My friend was having an affair!

[Loopy2020]

My best friend has been having an affair with an old friend, there was talk of leaving their spouses and living together!
The affair came out as a phone was looked at and messages were found.
I knew about the affair and tried repeatedly to tell her to end things and work on her marriage.
Now her husband is blaming me saying I should have told him or stopped it?!
! I know affairs are wrong as my ex cheated on me and our marriage ended but I’m a little confused as to how I could have stopped it? She was my best friend and my loyalty was with her.
Advice please.

She's really not your friend. She's been found out and is throwing you under the bus to take some of the heat off herself.

Step back and realise she cares about herself only.

I'd almost guarantee he didn't call you names at all, and she's just trying to make sure you don't speak directly to him.

And if you kept quiet about ur, of course you're getting the shit- she doesn't care about you

Honestly, your "friend" is throwing you under the bus, she gave up your private advice and support as a means of making herself look better.

She is manipulating you and her husband to get what she wants. You won't be able to truly trust a thing that comes from her mouth, or that she will keep any private conversations private - she's a cheat, a liar and no friend at all despite your history.

“It's wrong to be a misogynist, but here are the situations in which people should act like it's ok to be a misogynist...”

What’s “wrong” here is in taking the secondhand comments coming from the (known liar) “friend” and treating them as a source of truth. And then weaponising that against the husband who, as far as any of us can know is the only genuinely wounded party in all this.

He’s been civil to the OP in his text messages. His “dear” wife has reportedly only cast blame on the OP (not the other friends who knew) and may well have an agenda of her own to stop the OP from talking to her husband. It suits her if OP blocks him.

Probably, I can imagine, to reduce the likelihood of her many, many lies to him being revealed.

I can not believe the rush to blame the Victim here ( That being the cheated on H). Even messages saying he deserved it or no wonder she did it. I really despair at the man hating hypocrisy of some members here.
OP I think his conversation with you is understandable. Whilst you haven't anything wrong per se , for him you could have done more to stop her. This is unfair but people lash out in these circumstances.
As for the calling you slag- I think if he did actually say this, it would point to your 'friend' pushing you under the bus to save herself.
I wouldn't be surprised if she was saying that you instigated and supported the affair. She is in self preservation mode and that means blaming someone else so she can deflect from herself.
It seems she is using your loyalty to her to condemn you.
Others have said too step away and yes I can see this, but if you are feeling brave, you can talk to him and see what she has said about you and if he did actually call you those names.

@PaterPower
100% this

You beat me to it, and your post is much more well put then mine

What’s “wrong” here is in taking thesecondhandcomments coming from the (known liar) “friend” and treating them as a source of truth

Well no, you've just leapt on that now that another poster has suggested that it could be the case (and it could) in order to exploit it to justify a different position, which is that it would be ok if it happened.

If the friend is lying about it and the husband never said it, then obviously he's not done anything misogynistic and the friend is even more dishonest and worthy of dropping. The original point remains, however: it is not acceptable to use misogynistic slurs against women and no, it's not somehow ok just because you're really upset. Doing misogynistic things is what makes someone a misogynist, and I doubt anyone would give the same sympathetic leeway to someone who made use of racist abuse.

And if you think women don't routinely get called slags, sluts and worse in situations when men don't get any sexist criticism, even in situations like this one when they've not even done any sleeping around (not that that makes it ok) but are just being blamed for something else, then you need to take off the blindfold and remove the concrete block from your head. It happens depressingly often on this very website.

Your friend is a cunt. She didn’t need to tell her husband you knew and the fact she did tells you all you need to know about how she feels about your friendship.

I’d bet her husband didnt call you a slag - she is making stuff up so you dont feel sorry for her husband.

I hope he chucks her out and in your shoes I’d be ending the friendship.

Why is she involving you! Stop answering her messages. You should never have involved yourself in the first place. Bad call. I had a friend who kept having affairs with married men. I couldn’t agree with that and I no longer see her. You have to stand your ground on moral issues or what’s the point of your life!

How can you be to blame? You didn’t force her knickers off did you? I’d suggest you message both of them in the same message and give them a dose of reality. Tell them you didn’t introduce them, you don’t condone it, it’s none of your business and to leave you out of it. You’ve been a passive victim here. She’s no friend. She’s a user.

I wouldn’t listen to the husband right now. It’s nothing to do with you and it’s not your fault. I would let your friend know your not falling out however you will be standing right back for now as you don’t want to be dragged into this. You have your own life.

I agree with you too your loyalties did lie with your friend it wasn’t for you to go and tell the husband

I agree with you too your loyalties did lie with your friend it wasn’t for you to go and tell the husband

Perhaps we should remember this when others post that they've found out someone's partner is cheating. Keep it to yourself, don't get involved. Also your loyalties did lie with your friend so if you know she's doing wrong you ignore it. 'Cheating, stealing, abusing her children/partner?' do we turn a blind eye because they're our friend or are there some activities that we view as 'wrong but ok'?

Does this friend have any redeeming qualities?

It sounds as if you'll be better off without either of them in your life. She's no friend and he's a total misogynist. I'm sorry, it must be very upsetting for you.

You didn’t have any part In it. Let them get in with it and back away it’s nothing to do with you. And if it was my friend I wouldn’t have told her husband either.

Having read more of the thread, I see that it's possible that the DH didn't call the OP a slag; he didn't in his texts to her. Your so-called best friend is sadly showing you her true colours

One of my friends is a bit of a goer and her fella once had a go at me about the same thing. I told him we should meet up over a drink to talk it out and at the end of the night after a bit of flirting and bits (I get drunk real quick), he wanted me to come back to his. I made an excuse that I couldn't.

I never told her we met up and she says he acts a bit odd when my name comes up or if I'm around (always has his tail between his legs). I say it's because he's frightened of me lol, but he's never spoken to me like that again.

@PrincessNutNutRoast
The original point remains, however: it is not acceptable to use misogynistic slurs against women and no, it's not somehow ok just because you're really upset. Doing misogynistic things is what makes someone a misogynist, and I doubt anyone would give the same sympathetic leeway to someone who made use of racist abuse.

There are two views here I think (and apologies if I have understood it wrong):
a) In the heat of the moment People can use words that they wouldnt normally and it is not due to any hatred on their part but because of the situation.
b) Using certain words shows the truth about a person and situations are not an excuse and infact may highlight the persons actually thoughts.

@PaterPower has noted there other posts are called all sorts of names, are they all misandrist? and why have I never see you call them out on it?
Even on these comments some people have said some terrible names about the H and also the friend (including the C word which I feel is infinitely worse) and you haven't replied back to them.

I think both views are fair enough point, but only if you use it impartially, Otherwise you are actually worse

inthe heat of the moment People can use words that they wouldnt normally and it is not due to any hatred on their part but because of the situation

And would we be so accommodating if that language were racist?

Abusersvand bigots always have a reason why they do unacceptable stuff and it's usually some version of "it made me angry". I'm sure I don't need to tell you in what other kind of situations "I was angry" is frequently used as an excuse. Using a revolting misogynistic sexualised term may not be as bad as some of those, but it is cut from the same shitty cloth and no, it isn't acceptable, and yes, it's relevant.

This particular fellow might not have actually said it, but it's very common for women to experience this kind of attack and the point is that it is not acceptable. A misogynist who displays it only when they're pissed off is still a misogynist. They are showing that they will weaponise sex if it suits them.

This guy might not be one, but the fact of the behaviour is that it is misogynistic where it occurs, and I am sick of accepting "but he was angry" as an excuse for such behaviour. It doesn't wash any more and thankfully I think most people are waking up to this, even if we do have a few people who, for reasons I will not speculate here, would like to keep it as an excuse.

Hi @Loopy2020, I have thread running at the moment about stepping away from an exploitative friend and I can tell you I deeply regret 'supporting' my friend who was in a six year relationship with a married man. She was single but knowingly entered into an affair with this man who had a wife and two small children living in another county who were oblivious. Didn't sit well with me as I had a childhood destroyed by a cheating parent. The number of times I had to sit on my feelings as she either gushed about him or pick her up when it inevitably went wrong. With hindsight I wouldn't be so tolerant of her behaviour now. I think there was a deep well of selfishness in her and it has come out in the way she treats me now she doesn't need me any more.

I would walk away from both of these people. It's not your monkeys or your circus and to be 'blamed' by her husband is outrageous. You can advise someone but if they don't listen that's down to them. As if you are powerful enough to prevent someone having an affair, ridiculous!

He's hurt and I imagine looking for anyone to blame who's not himself or the woman he loves who has actually betrayed him.

@CorianderQueen

He's hurt and I imagine looking for anyone to blame who's not himself or the woman he loves who has actually betrayed him.

But from what the OP says he's not been calling her names, the 'he says I'm a slang' comes from the friend who as a woman would definitely not be trying to make her husband look bad.

I suspect soon it'll be you can see how awfully he must be and he drove me to having an affair.

Back away, leave them to it and avoid.

@BigFatLiar would you have told your friends husband?

Personally I think it would not be my place! That would be my sole reason. As uncomfortable as some things are in life it is not OPs place to take upon herself and betray her own friend I mean why do you feel that is your place to do that? Also it would most likely end your friendship.

[quote Hunnihun2]@BigFatLiar would you have told your friends husband?

Personally I think it would not be my place! That would be my sole reason. As uncomfortable as some things are in life it is not OPs place to take upon herself and betray her own friend I mean why do you feel that is your place to do that? Also it would most likely end your friendship.[/quote]
This situation is always a horrible dilemma and one reason why it's so unfair to make people accessories to affairs (and, of course, wrong to have them). Some people know exactly what they would do and feel secure in that decision whatever the outcome, but I think most of us really would struggle, and it makes sense to hold fire until you've decided, because you can't un-tell and undo the damage if you regret it.

I think there's no easy answer to fit all situations and it really depends on all sorts of factors. I'm pretty sure most of us would rather not know so that we don't have to decide.

I'm sure OP did what she thought was best, and she was being put into a really horrible situation. I don't think it matters what any of us would have done; OP had to judge the situation as it was.

I do think she needs to ditch the friend, whether or not the husband is actually a misogynist. Friend is making far too many things, and their resulting pain and burden, OP's problem when they shouldn't be.

@Loopy2020

Yep I’ve apologised for my part in it and am now giving them space. Thank you for your reply

Why the heck did you apologise - "Not my circus, not my monkeys!"