Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Good boundaries or plain avoidance. I can't tell. Please help.

106 replies

GreenManOnTheWall · 09/12/2020 05:52

I started seeing someone a couple of months ago. We bubbled as neither of us was already in one.

Something doesn't feel right and I don't know if its because my boundaries are getting better or whether its because I'm just avoidant but something just doesn't feel right.
.
He's quite complimentary. Not OTT but he has said nice things about me. They're nice to hear at the time but afterwards it just doesn't sit right with me. He said last night that there are many things he thinks are wonderful about me but that just feels insincere. I'm not curious about what they are. I just changed the conversation. I don't want to hear it.

I feel like I'm on a girlfriend conveyor belt and he's saying nice things about me because that's what you do and he's said it all 1000 times rather than because he means it (they include personal to me compliments and not just generic ones). I feel I'm in a mental line up with his exes. It feels a bit contrived.

We had a brief exchange last night when he made an obviously joke compliment and I joked back it was my best quality which led onto a brief chat about what we did actually like best about ourselves. He told me a couple of genuine things but then added that he often received compliments on his smile and his cock.

I wouldn't tell him about compliments previous men had paid me if they had. I don't know if it was a joke. Or if he was fishing for a compliment or if he was putting me in my place. He's only been lovely to me.

Am I picking up on something or am I avoidant?

OP posts:
Original poster
GreenManOnTheWall · 09/12/2020 05:56

I'm supposed to be seeing him this weekend but I want to end it.

OP posts:
puttergal · 09/12/2020 06:02

It just sounds like you're not into him and the thing has run it's course.

Original poster
GreenManOnTheWall · 09/12/2020 06:06

It's not that I'm not into him.

The 'compliments' are pushing me away.
I feel compared to his exes.
The more he tells me I'm attractive, the less attractive I feel; the more he tells me he desires me, the less desirable I feel.

It's like walls.

OP posts:
littlebirdworrying · 09/12/2020 06:09

Is he actually saying anything about his exes or is that assuming he's comparing?

Muckish · 09/12/2020 06:11

I would have howled with laughter if someone I’d just started dating leaned over and told me he ‘often received compliments on his cock’. Maybe suggest casting it in bronze?

cheezy · 09/12/2020 06:13

This feels similar to what I’m experiencing with a lovely bloke who is just so nice and I think it IS setting off my avoidant attachment style, especially as it’s so different to my last ex who was so ambivalent to me. What is your usual pattern in relationships? Could it be that it just feels unfamiliar? I think when someone is just really NICE it can feel suffocating to an avoidant person.

Original poster
GreenManOnTheWall · 09/12/2020 06:14

He's mentioned a couple in passing once orntwice when relevant to the conversation.

He is friends with one on facebook who takes a particular interest in what he posts; always commenting and reacting with 'love' and 'care'. I don't know how much contact they have outside of that.

H le doest make direct comparisons between them.amd me or compliment them at all.

He just talks very latter of factly generally.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 09/12/2020 06:14

He feels phoney to you. I think you are probably picking up on other tiny cues too which ring alarm bells. Trust your instincts; the cock mention alone would make me wince. What's the worst that can happen- you miss out on someone who makes you uncomfortable?

Keep working on your self-esteem, and when it feels right to you, you'll be in a position to accept a sincere compliment.

RednaxelasBaubles · 09/12/2020 06:17

It's just trashy really, joking about compliments on his cock. It would be fine if your sense of humour matched but personally I'd be thinking "nah".

You do realise you're allowed to dump someone for any reason or indeed no reason. You owe him nothing.

AtlasPine · 09/12/2020 06:17

Honestly, it could be him or it could be you. I’d say follow your instincts but be aware you may have a thing about not being able to accept nice stuff said to you.

Somewhereelsewhere · 09/12/2020 06:17

I have been witj a man whose compliments felt empty to me- they felt like something he thought he should say, and something he said to all women he was with. But he stood out. Lots of other times I’ve not felt that and felt the compliments and behaviour to be authentic and I’ve not questioned them.
You are asking the question because you wonder if you have an avoidant style. I can’t help witj that. Have you experienced this before? Do you recognise this to be a pattern and something that is familiar to you?

Original poster
GreenManOnTheWall · 09/12/2020 06:22

Muckish tbf, it was a lighthearted conversation and presumably a jokey comment? But it still didn't need to be said. I don't need to have it highlighted to me that he's shagged other women. Why would you do that?

cheezy

My last boyfriend was also ambivalent! I don't think he paid me a compliment in the entire time we were together. It was confusing and upsetting but no worse than this So yes it does feel very strange.

I don't really have relationships.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 09/12/2020 06:32

I think the most important thing here is that it isn’t sitting right with you and you want to end it. Although it’s hard to tell for sure I think I know what you mean about being on a girlfriend conveyor belt; I had an ex who would give me compliments and on reflection it was more of “this is what you say to a girl” rather than genuine compliments about me as an individual

pog100 · 09/12/2020 06:35

It doesn't sound out of the ordinary to me but you don't sound like you are clicking. It doesn't really matter why or if it's your personality. I think if a relationship is going to develop it should feel easier and more natural and that you are wasting your time. I'm not sure it's anyone's fault though.

Original poster
GreenManOnTheWall · 09/12/2020 06:40

Keep working on your self-esteem, and when it feels right to you, you'll be in a position to accept a sincere compliment.

I think some of it is sincere and just feel they are undeserved/insincere. Its not generic stuff like you're beautiful/sexy/gorgeous etc. Its more personal/individual to me than that but its actually painful to hear.

Lots of other times I’ve not felt that and felt the compliments and behaviour to be authentic and I’ve not questioned them.

It's been a very long time since i was complimented by a man! I can't remember how it feels.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreenManOnTheWall · 09/12/2020 06:44

user1493413286

They are genuine compliments about me as an individual. I just dont like it.

OP posts:
strangertimes · 09/12/2020 07:33

He’s probably just trying too hard. You could just give him a break? Actually communicate? Tell him to reign it in and stop trying too hard. You sound like you are really over thinking

Original poster
GreenManOnTheWall · 09/12/2020 07:37

Tell him to reign it in and stop trying too hard

I suppose I make a habit of not telling people they are doing things I dont like. I just end the relationship. I wouldnt expect someone to change who they were or pretend to be someone else for me.

OP posts:
Dery · 09/12/2020 08:05

“I suppose I make a habit of not telling people they are doing things I dont like. I just end the relationship. I wouldnt expect someone to change who they were or pretend to be someone else for me.”

No-one is perfect. Everyone says or does the wrong thing from time to time, and (unless it’s an obviously wrong thing) if you don’t tell the person what they’ve done, I would imagine you will end every relationship. It’s not fundamentally changing someone to explain a boundary and perhaps ask them to adjust certain behaviour. I had been single for nearly a decade when I got together with DH and for the first several weeks or so kept making arrangements for Saturday night without involving him. He pointed out that this was hurtful and I adjusted. We’ve been together 20+ years and are very happy together. None of that would have happened if he had just dumped me.

You and he may not be suited but if you say you don’t tend to have relationships, it does sound like you may have avoidant tendencies.

You don’t have to have relationships. Perhaps you prefer not to. If so, that’s fine. But if you would like to have a relationship, it might be worth exploring more whether there are things about your relationship style which are worth reviewing and perhaps modifying.

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 09/12/2020 08:09

@GreenManOnTheWall

I'm supposed to be seeing him this weekend but I want to end it.
Then you should end it. Nobody's going to advise you to keep seeing him if you're already feeling this way. Always pay attention to your gut instinct. It's ok not to feel comfortable with the compliments he pays you - you're under no obligation to be happy about it. Just walk away now.
Misandrylovescompany · 09/12/2020 08:39

If you’re not feeling it, then you’re not feeling it. You’re not obliged to keep seeing him until you can come up with a ‘proper reason’ - it’s not like you’re returning a jumper to M&S. It’s not clicking for you and that’s enough.

JurassicParkAha · 09/12/2020 09:56

Even in an avoidant style - you'd still have a gut instinct telling you if something is off, that you should trust.

It may be as simple as you just not being that interested in him, and you don't need a reason why. It's hard to tell with his compliments alone what the intention is - but if you're feeling it's insincere then it likely is? Are you ok receiving compliments from friends/family/colleagues?

As an example, my current partner has a very odd way with compliments - they're related to me but phrased in a very sterile way, almost like if you were reading a medical report, lol. It felt like he only said it as a tickbox exercise of how to court a woman. However, I did ask him about it, and he said in his job he deals with the repercussions of sexual abuse, so is very very cautious with a new partner (to not appear creepy) until it's a very established relationship.

If you don't want to discuss it with him though, don't. Nothing wrong with ending it and finding someone who gels better.

YoniAndGuy · 09/12/2020 13:20

@BitOfFun

He feels phoney to you. I think you are probably picking up on other tiny cues too which ring alarm bells. Trust your instincts; the cock mention alone would make me wince. What's the worst that can happen- you miss out on someone who makes you uncomfortable?

Keep working on your self-esteem, and when it feels right to you, you'll be in a position to accept a sincere compliment.

Totally agree with this.

You just don't actually like him very much... and I can see why. I'd also immediately get terminal ICK if a man informed me that they 'often get compliments on their cock.' WTF. How utterly - just no. Just no. Don't say that because you sound such an absolute loser!!!

You want to end it because you know by instinct that you are not feeling it with this guy. If you overanalyse it and try and justify those feelings, you probably won't succeed because there is little to go o, objectively. But relationships aren't objective. It's all about the feelz. Your feelz are telling you that he is an idiot. End it!

firecracker69 · 09/12/2020 13:36

The fact that he mentioned getting complimented on his cock is quite repulsive, especially after such a short time. It suggests the said cock has been seen by all and sundry. Not very alluring, in any way, shape or form.

Original poster
GreenManOnTheWall · 09/12/2020 17:42

It suggests the said cock has been seen by all and sundry.

I think that's how it made me feel really.

I think he says things that just don't make me feel very special.

I wore heels to his a few weeks ago. He really liked them and asked me to wear them when we had sex. He has asked me to bring my 'porn shoes' again this weekend. He means those heels.

I can't really describe how it makes me feel.

I am quite happy to have fun and for sex to be a bit adventurous but I want to at least feel like I'm special and not just the woman he's doing that stuff with currently.

Thanks for the comments. I just don't realy know what to say to him.
When he isnt making those comments, he's actually incredibly sweet. It's not like he's just a monumental prick. I think I'm just not what he is looking for, or thinks I am.

OP posts: