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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Good boundaries or plain avoidance. I can't tell. Please help.

106 replies

GreenManOnTheWall · 09/12/2020 05:52

I started seeing someone a couple of months ago. We bubbled as neither of us was already in one.

Something doesn't feel right and I don't know if its because my boundaries are getting better or whether its because I'm just avoidant but something just doesn't feel right.
.
He's quite complimentary. Not OTT but he has said nice things about me. They're nice to hear at the time but afterwards it just doesn't sit right with me. He said last night that there are many things he thinks are wonderful about me but that just feels insincere. I'm not curious about what they are. I just changed the conversation. I don't want to hear it.

I feel like I'm on a girlfriend conveyor belt and he's saying nice things about me because that's what you do and he's said it all 1000 times rather than because he means it (they include personal to me compliments and not just generic ones). I feel I'm in a mental line up with his exes. It feels a bit contrived.

We had a brief exchange last night when he made an obviously joke compliment and I joked back it was my best quality which led onto a brief chat about what we did actually like best about ourselves. He told me a couple of genuine things but then added that he often received compliments on his smile and his cock.

I wouldn't tell him about compliments previous men had paid me if they had. I don't know if it was a joke. Or if he was fishing for a compliment or if he was putting me in my place. He's only been lovely to me.

Am I picking up on something or am I avoidant?

OP posts:

Writerandreader · 10/12/2020 22:15

Op I think you should go on the BACP website and find a therapist. It seems you are finding this a painful situation to be in. It is hard for you to open up or trust and you don't even trust your own feelings and instincts.

Probably this stems from childhood relationship patterns which can really be resolved in therapy.

HiyaCathyy · 10/12/2020 22:24

Sounds like you’re overthinking what is just the lack of your feeling for him. Nothing wrong with that, I would say kindly end it with him before more times goes by.

GreenlandTheMovie · 10/12/2020 22:29

I really don't see why a woman should have to go out and spend a fortune on counselling because she isn't that into a man she is dating.

I don't really think its up to a therapist to tell someone how to fancy men that you don't really like that much. That would really be quite unethical.

Yes, the OP mentioned avoidance, but that is bandied around a lot just now. It is equally likely that she just hasn't met the right person yet, and isn't willing to settle. Most people find it hard to be the one to end a relationship that isn't all bad, it doesn't imply they need therapy.

I'm afraid the comment about having his cock admired by other women would have put me off a lot as well, and I'm quite fussy about men as well, so I shall make sure to avoid any therapists out there willing to indoctrinate me into settling for men I'm not into.

He's just messaged me to tell me he's really looking forward to seeing me this weekend as he needs cheering up. When I asked him why, he said it was because he was feeling a bit sad about how upset this woman is!

He honestly sounds bloody annoying!

Original poster

GreenManOnTheWall · 11/12/2020 05:22

I think there are probably two issues here.

This man clearly isnt right for me so I need to end it. If nothing else, his tireless, overstated commitment to empathy for all the other women he knows is going to become a bit wearing. His friend's wife isn't the only one but she's the one he mentions the most. He has another married female friend who seems to be always 'crying on his shoulder' (his words) too.

But I do think I have an issue with relationships in general.

OP posts:

Original poster

GreenManOnTheWall · 11/12/2020 05:23

He honestly sounds bloody annoying!

It is becoming very annoying. He said that other friends are also going through stuff that is upsetting him but she's the only one who gets a name check and he mentions her a lot.

OP posts:

lemonsquashie · 11/12/2020 07:39

Are you sure you're not being insecure and worrying unnecessarily about being compared with his exes? They're ex for a reason.

Standrewsschool · 11/12/2020 07:45

If you do sexual banter or innuendoes, then mentioning his private parts is fine. If you don’t, or feel uncomfortable with it, then it’s repulsive.

Original poster

GreenManOnTheWall · 11/12/2020 07:55

Are you sure you're not being insecure and worrying unnecessarily about being compared with his exes?

I don't know. It's not something I do though and certainly wouldn't do it aloud.

If you do sexual banter or innuendoes, then mentioning his private parts is fine.

I don't mind a bit of sexual banter. It's not him.mentioning his cock that was the issue but he made reference to it being complimented by other women. I dont need to hear that.

OP posts:

borntohula · 11/12/2020 08:05

I find it so funny how 'therapy' is suggested for every problem on here. Imagine being so privileged that it's your first solution.

Anyway OP, maybe he IS trying to make you jealous. As pp said, there doesn't seem to be much 'spark' there, based on how you come across in this thread.

firecracker69 · 11/12/2020 08:11

Surely you're not still going to meet him?

HiyaCathyy · 11/12/2020 08:20

Well op the constant ‘shoulder to cry on’ for these other women sounds annoying. I think this is your gut instinct pinging and I would just walk away.

Divebar · 11/12/2020 08:26

I’m shaking my head at some of this. Clearly you don’t want to date the guy so don’t date him. The over analysis and hyper sensitivity is just incredible though. Men stand absolutely no chance though when you’re using genuine compliments as one of your reasons.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/12/2020 08:33

Trust your instincts; the cock mention alone would make me wince.

This ^

Was he hoping that you would say "Yes! It's MAGNIFICENT! And you wield it like a musketeer's skilful sword!"? Or was he hoping to make you feel that you should be grateful? Or that there are plenty of women out there who are begging for his services, but he has generously bestowed it on you?

Whatever it's a sordid remark.

If you aren't comfortable with him, it's time to move on.

Writerandreader · 11/12/2020 09:17

Pretty sad to think of therapy as priveliged! Lots of therapists offer Lower cost sessions for people in low incomes and my husband had counselling through our gp for free for stress.

If the OP is feeling that she doesn't know how to be happy in her personal life and its impacting her day to day wellbeing then yes it would be amazing to get help with that. Talking therapies are effective in dealing with a range of issues in particular family rooted attachment issues or problems being happy in day to day life/trust issues which very commonly stem from family relationships and childhood.

Having positive understanding of this is not privileged in the sense of needing money as you could even just do some reading online and find out what the cost of therapy is locally.

I had weekly therapy for similar issues in my 20s and cld afford it on a my own salary so perhaps the op can too I don't know but given she is struggling it's worth mentioning isn't it?

wimhoffbreather · 11/12/2020 09:43

Sounds like you find him kind of creepy for whatever reason. Get rid, he’s not the one for you.

I’d work on why you can’t hear compliments at all though. I don’t like soppy comments or ones that sound insincere - but when my partner tells me I look good, or compliments me for any other quality, it’s nice.

How do you feel when people are critical? Does that feel more comfortable?

HiyaCathyy · 11/12/2020 09:50

Op doesn’t need therapy just because she’s not clicked with this guy, he sounds annoying anyway and like he’s playing games going on about all these women that need his ear. Eurgh.

gannett · 11/12/2020 10:29

@GreenManOnTheWall

Tell him to reign it in and stop trying too hard

I suppose I make a habit of not telling people they are doing things I dont like. I just end the relationship. I wouldnt expect someone to change who they were or pretend to be someone else for me.

This, along with your comment that you have a friend who says you keep people at a distance, makes me think you do have avoidant tendencies. It's your prerogative to have them but stuff like this isn't conducive to a LTR. Because everyone has habits you might not like. Part of building a LTR is the ability to communicate which of these habits you want them to cut out (while also learning to accept other habits).

In this case it sounds like he defaults to a crude/laddy sense of humour. Did you make it known you weren't impressed? I'd have rolled my eyes or said "not funny". If he carried on making those jokes I'd have been thinking again, but the first few months should be all about figuring out how to talk to a new partner and letting them know what you like and don't like.

That said when it comes down to it you're perfectly entitled to end relationships for whatever reason you want and he doesn't sound right for you. But not being able to accept compliments, keeping people at a distance and preferring to end things rather than communicate what you want... these are all issues that will crop up in any relationship you try to have.

gannett · 11/12/2020 10:31

(I would add that I know this because I also had avoidant tendencies when younger, certainly preferred to cut relationships short rather than have difficult conversations etc etc. Changing that when I met DP was a conscious decision and I felt I was battling my instincts for a lot of it.)

MorrisZapp · 11/12/2020 10:42

As an old married git I say:

Two months in? Get him binned if you're not loving it.

Send Mr High Heel Sex round to me.

Opentooffers · 11/12/2020 13:37

On the one hand, he says quite a bit that would put me off. Going on about other people's wives problems and then putting you in charge of cheering him up. It's wrong that he bases his mood on what's happening in their lives, it's too invested. The complements, well most of us like the odd one here and there (although it's not your bag), but getting showered in them does make it obviously insincere, if it's only been a couple of months, a few complements is fine but many whenever you see each other would devalue them.
I'd be ok about the cock thing, just laugh at that one, but the 'porn shoes' would put me off.
Maybe your barriers aren't too high, if you think you could of brushed the odd complement off, but he's doing too many. Its the rest of his behaviour that seems good enough reason to end it in my book.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 12/12/2020 09:37

Did you call it off with him?

Comtesse · 12/12/2020 09:46

You find the “generic” compliments annoying. You find the specific, insightful ones annoying too. Sounds like a self esteem issue here or maybe avoidant. There’s some stuff here to explore all right .....

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 12/12/2020 09:48

@GreenManOnTheWall

I'm supposed to be seeing him this weekend but I want to end it.

Then do so. No extra naval gazing needed, just follow your gut.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/12/2020 10:10

Honestly I'm not sure you're ready to have a healthy relationship. You'd prefer it if he never complimented you or said nice things and if you were or he acted like you were his first gf because you don't feel you'll compare.

He might not be the right guy and that's fine but o think you really need to work on you before you find another one

Original poster

GreenManOnTheWall · 12/12/2020 10:36

I wasn't well last night so came straight home from work and went to bed.

I've sent him a text this morning. Don't feel inclined to speak to him about it.

He hasn't read it yet.

OP posts:

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