Good boundaries or plain avoidance. I can't tell. Please help.

[GreenManOnTheWall]

I started seeing someone a couple of months ago. We bubbled as neither of us was already in one.

Something doesn't feel right and I don't know if its because my boundaries are getting better or whether its because I'm just avoidant but something just doesn't feel right.
.
He's quite complimentary. Not OTT but he has said nice things about me. They're nice to hear at the time but afterwards it just doesn't sit right with me. He said last night that there are many things he thinks are wonderful about me but that just feels insincere. I'm not curious about what they are. I just changed the conversation. I don't want to hear it.

I feel like I'm on a girlfriend conveyor belt and he's saying nice things about me because that's what you do and he's said it all 1000 times rather than because he means it (they include personal to me compliments and not just generic ones). I feel I'm in a mental line up with his exes. It feels a bit contrived.

We had a brief exchange last night when he made an obviously joke compliment and I joked back it was my best quality which led onto a brief chat about what we did actually like best about ourselves. He told me a couple of genuine things but then added that he often received compliments on his smile and his cock.

I wouldn't tell him about compliments previous men had paid me if they had. I don't know if it was a joke. Or if he was fishing for a compliment or if he was putting me in my place. He's only been lovely to me.

Am I picking up on something or am I avoidant?

I wore heels to his a few weeks ago. He really liked them and asked me to wear them when we had sex. He has asked me to bring my 'porn shoes' again this weekend. He means those heels

What with that and 'his smile and his cock' - bleugh!

What with that and 'his smile and his cock' - bleugh!

Yeah, you're right.

What do I say?

"This isnt working for me," isn't really going to cut it because we've got on really well in person so it won't make sense.

@GreenManOnTheWall

What with that and 'his smile and his cock' - bleugh!

Yeah, you're right.

What do I say?

"This isnt working for me," isn't really going to cut it because we've got on really well in person so it won't make sense.

It doesn't need to make sense to him!

You can stop a relationship at any time, for any reason.

"We have had some fun times but I've realised this isn't going to be a longer term thing for me and that's what I'm looking for so best to quit while we're ahead. All the best."

You do not owe anyone a relationship.

"This isnt working for me," isn't really going to cut it because we've got on really well in person so it won't make sense.

Stop right there.

That does not matter one bit.

'I don't want to any more' - perfect sense.
'I've changed my mind' - perfect sense.

The only way something like that doesn't make sense is if there's an implicit assumption that you owe this person your time and if you want to stop, you need a good reason.

You don't.

'Sorry to have to let you down but I've been thinking and this isn't really working for me. We've had some fun times but I don't really feel we're suited longer term, and that's what I would like, so I'm bowing out. All the best'.

Thanks you're right.

I'm going to message him this evening.

I don't think he is all bad. Just a bit tone deaf maybe or just wants a different sort of relationship to I do. He's never been married and has had a lot of girlfriends - many he's inhabited with for a few years. He says his longest relationship was about 6 years. Which is longer than my longest! So I won't judge him for that but I want something more substantial now so it's not enough.

He does many things I would want. Besides the things he's said that I'm not happy with, everything is fine. He messages me every day to ask how my daughter was and for a chat, he doesnt sext and hasn't sent any dick pics. He's kind and respectful and takes care of me when we're together but this other side is not something I want.

I suppose I'm just wondering what to say if he asks me why it's not working for me. Do I need to have a conversation about it.

I think, after a couple of months, I'd want to know why.

Maybe you could say he is good company but you don't feel the soul to soul connection is deepening as you would hope for at this stage for a long term partner, so you think the potential of the relationship has reached its limit and not going to go any further.
With my dh the longer we were together and the more time we spent together the deeper it got. That's not happening here so I think that would be true without placing any blame on either of you.

Thank you. That's a really good way of putting it.

I get you. I think you are doing the right thing to end it, you can end things for whatever reason you like.
I think you have probably gone off him and therefore you don’t want compliments from him because you don’t want him to feel like he has the power to validate you? I know I’m explaining this badly but I don’t generally like compliments from men and it’s cos it almost always comes across as patronising and generic to me. Like they are telling me what they think I want to hear but in reality they don’t know me well enough to know that I don’t like it? I’m pretty confident in myself so I don’t need approval from a man I’m not into. I know this makes me sound like a dreadful person and I don’t think I am 😄
I think the key difference for me is that if I do truly like someone then I’m happy to be complimented by them. I think there is an element of ‘the ick’ involved with receiving compliments from a person you’re not into.

The thing is, I don't really like being complimented by anyone.

And it's not that the compliments feel insincere. He has told me I'm pretty and cute and sexy, all of which are generic and dont really mean anything. But he's also compliments aspects of my character and more specific person compliments about me. Things like, "Thanks for X, I really appreciate it when you do things like that," type comments. But I'm not comfortable hearing those either.

I'm not sure I'd be comfortable hearing them from anyone. The compliments kind of threw me back a bit even before he'd started to say other things that I didn't like. And they weren't overly bombastic, "You're amazing," or "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever met," type compliments. They were just, "Your photos are all the perfect balance of sexy and cute," type comments after we'd become friends on fb type things, which I've been told before. I hate having my photo taken so there arent loads of me. The ones I've put on fb are carefully selected!

I previously dated someone who didnt ever really say anything nice to me and I felt I never knew where I stood with him so I ended it but this feels the other extreme. I don't need to he 'validated'by someone else but, as much as it would be nice to think someone found me attractive and desirable, I can't cope with it when someone does either.

I do find him attractive and I am attracted to him. The decision to end it is a head one not a heart one.

Maybe hold off the decision while you do some soul searching then.
Can you ask someone close to you if they think you are at risk of self sabotage by being unnecessarily avoidant? Someone who would know you will enough to give an insight.

Op Youvsound just like me. I'm very avoidant now after so many rubbish men. The minute they start giving me compliments now I shut down and automatically become cynical.

I agree I need to do some soul searching. I do have a fried who told me once I keep people at a distance which was hard to hear because i don't think I do.

But it's the other comments by this man that i think make him not right for me.

I think a man teling me how ex girlfriends had complimented him on his cock would put me right off! Who wants to think of their bf having sex with someone else? I mean, we all know they have had sex with someone else, but we don't really need it described to us!

I don't think you are being particularly avoidant here. You just aren't that into him. It's not avoidant not to be crazy about someine. I would be thinking the same - this man is a serial boyfriend, not looking for a long term partner.

I get really put off by men who have had a lot of girlfriends and sexual partners and short term relationships. Not all men are like this by any means but I think once they've made a decision to go duwn that road, youre just seen as "the current girlfriend" in a long list of sexual partners.

He's not relationship material because he can't form lasting emotional bonds, and I'd end it now because I suspect he will end it with you as soon as the whim takes him.

I think you’re being way too hard on him. He made one inappropriate joke. You’re going to find it very hard to find somebody if you can’t lighten up a bit. You should have just said “if that’s a joke I don’t find it funny” being all silent and judgey about things is a recipe for a miserable life. You’ve said “I don’t like being complimented”
Blimey.
How’s he to know that?
The standard for starting dating is for bloke to say nice things to girl. Basic.
I’m sorry but I find you and the way you think and the way you’re reacting to him very weird.
I personally think you should let the poor guy go and get yourself some therapy weekly for your issues. Not being able to accept a compliment is your issue not his. Making one bad joke about his cock means you finish the relationship? Wow. Do you actually have ANY long term relationships in your life?

Op obviously it’s your right to end it for any reason. But I do think you need to consider whether you are self sabotaging and the likelihood that you will find fault with every man you meet. It sounds like he can’t make compliments that are general or specific to you so he can’t win. You’ve already said that you’re avoidant and I wonder if you’ve communicated properly to him. Communicating your needs is a skill and I only realised that recently. So is listening to the other person. As is compromise. I wonder if you shouldn’t see this as a communications learning opportunity and tell him how you feel, and give him the chance to do it differently. Both of you can walk away but you might be lucky and discover he listens and stops the compliments.

Is his love language words of affirmation? My best friend is like this, it's how he shows he cares. It took me a while to realise it. We have talked about love languages and understand each other better.

If you like the guy, talk about it, everyone's communication styles are different and you just need to understand each other.

If you don't like him then end it.

Does it feel odd because you're not used to being treated nicely by men?

I agree with the therapy part. You may be pushing away decent guys.

What is it about compliments you don't like? Do you feel unworthy of someone saying something nice about you?

Oh and his silly cock comment, I would have told him that he doesn't count.

I think I'd find his individual compliments a bit easier to take if they weren't mixed up in all the generic ones I know he'll have said 1000 times before.

That, along with him talking about how other women have complimented his cock and talking about things he likes doing with me in terms of it being nice to have someone to do that with rather than it being nice to do it with me, makes me feel a bit like I'm on a very crowded merry go round and I'd need to wave my arms a lot to be noticed spotted in the crowd. I feel like he is actively comparing me (at least to himself if not out loud) to everyone else and judging how I measure up.

I also think he's a serial boyfriend which, in the past, would have been fine for me but isn't anymore.

Do you actually have ANY long term relationships in your life?

No, not really.

Is his love language words of affirmation?

I've no idea.

Dating is about getting to know someone and finding out if you're compatible for something more long term/permanent.

I'm honestly quite shocked at the posters who think that you should be so grateful to be with a man that you should have therapy to avoid you leaving him! That to me a strong sign of people without any kind of healthy boundaries, because you have described is not some great catch but someone who has an ambivalent relationship style. I feel sorry for posters who cannot spot signs of incompatibility abd advocate hanging onto every man for grim death!

You just aren't that into him OP, and you can't force yourself to be. Lots of us aren't keen on the been-around-the-block type.

Yes, I'm quite clearly the 'current girlfriend' and, previously, that would have been fine for me. I've never really wanted a long term relationship. But I feel ready to settle down now and it's clearly not going to be with him.

Under ordinary circumstances, I'd actually be ok with this but I don't have much free time currently, my children won't be at home much longer, work is crazy stressful at the moment and it requires me to work hard and juggle during the week to free up my weekends to see him. I've already shortened/cancelled dates because of work.

I suppose I'd feel the sacrifices were worth it if he was someone I could see myself being with long term but, as he's now not, it's not even providing fun or respite. It's just something else I have to fit in. It's a shame because it the comments that I feel have devalued me - cock, porn shoes, generic compliments that have done this. We actually have a lot in common and a shared sense of humour, similar values and interests etc. It had good foundations but that's all.

I didn't see him at all last weekend because I wanted to go for walks in the park with other people.

Which I suppose says it all.

Counselling could really improve your self confidence and help you find out if there are things holding you back from being in a healthy relationship.

If you're not enjoying this current relationship then end it. You don't need to give a reason especially since the reason isn't really clear to you anyway!
Just say it's been nice but not what you're looking for. No further explanation is required.

Thanks.

He's also got a huge case of mentionitis regarding his best friend's wife. I've not met them so no idea what he's like with her but she's had a tough time recently and pretty much every day he tells me how she's been in touch or he's been in touch with her to talk and "poor" her in tears all the time.

Now, what has happened to her is shit and she does need support but it's just the number of times he's told me about it/her. It just feels a bit much. Esp as the same thing happened to her husband/his friend yesterday and he was still only talking about her. Like he's trying to make me jealous. I don't really do jealousy but I do think its inappropriate of him to 'use' her current situation in this way!

He's just messaged me to tell me he's really looking forward to seeing me this weekend as he needs cheering up. When I asked him why, he said it was because he was feeling a bit sad about how upset this woman is!

The more I type, the worse he sounds...

Crying out loud. Endless texting is meaningless. Make a decision or meet him, then make a decision. I can't bear these posts where people are just going on about a 'virtual' so called 'relationship'. Just stop wittering and get real. Until then all those words in bubbles on the phone are 80% your projection. Not real - not worth this energy - or anyone elses - don't you get it?

How is it virtual?

I work long hours and I've been seeing him a couple of times a week for a couple of months. He messages in between. I don't have time for lengthy phone calls.

Is that not normal?

If you "can't bear" it then just don't read it.

You can't take compliments but don't say so. You don't have relationships. You don't like anything he says to you.

All your posts just sound so dead and flat. He sounds a bit manky with the cock joke but if you're always this cold then I can't see who would please you. Agree with strangertimes. Also wonder if he pushed the bad jokes to get some kind of spark from you, none being visible here.