Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So the the grass belonging to the OW wasn't really greener then was it?!

557 replies

jemimathecat · 07/12/2020 12:53

This is light hearted post but I just wanted to hear if there were any stories out there where your partner/spouse went off with the OW and the grass suddenly turned to mud?!!
After being deeply hurt, I now find myself chuckling when I think of the ex (mid 50's) back to changing nappies and sleepless nights and telling his mother that he has no time for himself and cannot BELIEVE how expensive baby formula is!!
Most of his friends are driving sports cars and have grown up kids (like we also do) yet the only thing he's driving is a new double buggy ! LOL!

OP posts:
AzraiL · 09/12/2020 12:06

I don't think it's bitterness at all. I think so many betrayed people were so frightfully gaslighted by their partners before the partner up and left that they questioned themselves - why they couldn't be loved fully, treated well, respected and not cheated on. I think hearing news that it turned pear-shaped sort of validates the betrayed partner. It finally reinforces that after years (or however long) of being treated like crap/told they were the problem that the real problem was the cheater. I wouldn't blame any person who's been betrayed from feeling a sense of relief at the knowledge that the person who hurt them is just incapable of having a healthy relationship or being happy with what they have. At least you can put to rest the wondering about whether it was them, or that you just weren't good enough as they would have you believe.

I don't think anyone would take comfort from knowing their exes were miserable if the relationship dissolved respectfully and amicably.

I really wish those who have suffered have karma visit them in the form of living a good and happy life, the kind which they had never even dreamt was possible before.

Sideorderofchips · 09/12/2020 12:09

Mine left me for my ex best mate. Its very recent but already realising how hard he's made his life as everyone hates her and she lost alot of friends through her lies.

Yohoheaveho · 09/12/2020 13:36

I know it's still bad but I think things are shifting, as women increasingly can have financial independence from men, I think this is a key thing
Yes there are numerous blacklashes from men, but we see this for what it is, an attempt to regain lost control

MrsVogon · 09/12/2020 13:43

@AzraiL

I don't think it's bitterness at all. I think so many betrayed people were so frightfully gaslighted by their partners before the partner up and left that they questioned themselves - why they couldn't be loved fully, treated well, respected and not cheated on. I think hearing news that it turned pear-shaped sort of validates the betrayed partner. It finally reinforces that after years (or however long) of being treated like crap/told they were the problem that the real problem was the cheater. I wouldn't blame any person who's been betrayed from feeling a sense of relief at the knowledge that the person who hurt them is just incapable of having a healthy relationship or being happy with what they have. At least you can put to rest the wondering about whether it was them, or that you just weren't good enough as they would have you believe.

I don't think anyone would take comfort from knowing their exes were miserable if the relationship dissolved respectfully and amicably.

I really wish those who have suffered have karma visit them in the form of living a good and happy life, the kind which they had never even dreamt was possible before.

@AzraiL Perfectly put.

I was gaslighted and lied to for a long while until I found out the actual truth that my ex was cheating. After the way he treated me, making out I was paranoid and 'crazy', I do think he deserves the current misery he is going through.

Prior to the relationship with 'cheating ex', I was married and we parted amicably. We are still good friends, parenting our daughter along with his second wife. No bitterness or wishing harm at all.

Obviously the detractors of this thread who think we are all 'bitter and can't get over it', live virtuous lives of complete harmony, bestowing love and forgiveness to all who have wronged them! Wink. How wonderful it must be in their Ivory Towers.

hcoe21 · 09/12/2020 15:11

I'm married to my first husband also. I do think people seem 'bitter' (not my terminology) and should try to make progress to get over it for their own peace of mind. Not for anyone else's. I have obviously struggled in life with forgiving people I am far from perfect. If I was hoping the grass was less green for someone - I would want someone to point out to me that I should be more focused on myself than others. It won't ultimately make you any happier in the long run...as fortunes change. No doubt her ex-partner will continue to have highs and lows in life like the rest of us.

WiseOwlWan · 09/12/2020 18:12

I left my x for reasons not to do with cheating and ive quite enjoyed this thread. Women do have it tougher imo. I was a single parent for years and it's just empathy imo.

WiseOwlWan · 09/12/2020 18:13

I still am a single parent!! 🤔 Less of one now somehow my kids are teenagers.

Tobebythesea · 09/12/2020 19:25

My ex didn’t want to commit to marriage was truly terrified at the thought of having kids so we split and I met my DH 2 months later and we went on to have a lovely DD and later a fab DS.

My ex got married last year (8 years after we split) and 9 months later they had twins! I secretly smirk as he loved his sleep.

napody · 09/12/2020 19:43

@20shadesofgreen

My point was, if you can accept the situation and that people are just human, and sometimes hurt one another unintentionally...forgiveness may be a better route to move toward. Rather than bitterness. As you will be the one who loses twice in that instance. And you deserve to be happy and not have this continue to hurt you.

hcoe there are quite a few implied value judgements in that’d seemingly kind post I don’t know if you realise.

The hurt men impart is unintentional because they are human.

Women reacting to that hurt are bitter and unforgiving rather than being human themselves and experiencing normal human reactions to being wronged.

Bitterness is a common trait ascribed to women in my family. Women who react to men in a way that does not fully endorse them whether they are right or wrong. To me even the word has become a calling card for misogyny based on how frequently I see it ascribed to women who don’t quietly accept themselves and the children being wronged.

Forgiveness is a journey not a switch.

My God this is a fantastic post.
Rustyplastic · 09/12/2020 20:27

@hcoe21

I'm married to my first husband also. I do think people seem 'bitter' (not my terminology) and should try to make progress to get over it for their own peace of mind. Not for anyone else's. I have obviously struggled in life with forgiving people I am far from perfect. If I was hoping the grass was less green for someone - I would want someone to point out to me that I should be more focused on myself than others. It won't ultimately make you any happier in the long run...as fortunes change. No doubt her ex-partner will continue to have highs and lows in life like the rest of us.
You’ve used the term bitter now in both your last two posts yet you claim that it’s ‘ not your terminology ‘ if your using the word to describe how YOU think women are then own it . Once you take ownership of your words the. Perhaps you can explain why you think using sexist mysogynistic language to describe women is appropriate and tell us all how many men you have described as ‘ bitter Unbelievable , that someone can sit through four to five pages of why the term bitter is clearly mysogynistic. Yet still continue to use it
PicsInRed · 09/12/2020 21:31

Ex actually sent a a court response to my divorce petition stating there was no reason for divorce it was a private matter 😂

I quite literally laughed out loud at my phone. 🤣

PicsInRed · 09/12/2020 21:37

@Plantlover101

Anyway, our great leader, (NOT, lol) Boris Johnson, has followed this exact path, leaving wife of a similar age and adult kids to father a baby with the lovely Carrie. What a shining example respectability, responsibility, authenticity and credibility he is. GrinGrinGrin
Reportedly...he begged her to take him back and bitterly regrets the whole thing, new baby, incompatible woman, money problems et al.

He is effectively this thread, personified. Poor Boz. 😉

Plantlover101 · 09/12/2020 22:16

PicsInRed... touche! Incidentally I know someone in RL whose friend knows him and said that Boris is "completely driven by his dick". No surprises there then Grin

Retiremental · 09/12/2020 22:54

Why are all the assumptions that OW are younger, trophy types?

‘MY’ OW is a year older than me. And my kids were at that gorgeous no filter age of childhood when they used to come home and tell me about how OW was crying because daddy wouldn’t take his turns at feeding the baby and how daddy got really cross because the toddler threw a yogurt across the room.
Happy days indeed Grin

Rustyplastic · 09/12/2020 23:25

@Retiremental

Why are all the assumptions that OW are younger, trophy types?

‘MY’ OW is a year older than me. And my kids were at that gorgeous no filter age of childhood when they used to come home and tell me about how OW was crying because daddy wouldn’t take his turns at feeding the baby and how daddy got really cross because the toddler threw a yogurt across the room.
Happy days indeed Grin

I don’t think that there are assumptions at all . There’s been many acknowledgements that the ow is sometimes older or same age but many many RL examples of when they are younger .
Onthedunes · 09/12/2020 23:32

I agree the word bitter should be re-phrased to 'bitter dog' to all men who have been, in their own eyes financially shafted after divorce.

Women have held that word for too long. It's time to get rid.

Or even...... 'bitter and twisted dog'. Wink

I also enjoy the fact that second wives are terrified of becoming part of the retribution.
I agree OP, Karma can feel very satisfying.

Rustyplastic · 09/12/2020 23:35

@Onthedunes

I agree the word bitter should be re-phrased to 'bitter dog' to all men who have been, in their own eyes financially shafted after divorce.

Women have held that word for too long. It's time to get rid.

Or even...... 'bitter and twisted dog'. Wink

I also enjoy the fact that second wives are terrified of becoming part of the retribution.
I agree OP, Karma can feel very satisfying.

Yes true , women have been labelled with that word for way too long particularly older women who have wised up to men’s crap It’s only sad that some women continue to play into that narrative . Next thing we know we will have a the seconds on here asking why the bitter old hags don’t just shrivel up and go away Smile
Mamanyt · 10/12/2020 00:00

20shadesofgreen
While it is certainly true that people do inadvertently hurt one another in a relationship, having an affair is in no way "inadvertent." It is a conscious choice. "We didn't mean for it to happen" is best answered by, "Well, you damned sure didn't mean for it not to happen, or it wouldn't have!"

Onthedunes · 10/12/2020 00:06

I just don't see why op and anyone else for that matter cannot air their views on being comforted by some sort of justice without second wives or exh piping up about being conceited, spiteful, vindictive or -bitter-

Your views are as plain as day.....guilt.
And your views will never change until it happens to you.

Let op talk freely about her relief, she deseves it.

Rustyplastic · 10/12/2020 00:10

Onthedunes puts it perfectly

‘Your views are as plain as day.....guilt.
And your views will never change until it happens to you.’

And it WILL second wives and exh !

SeaEagleFeather · 10/12/2020 00:36

Half of this thread is just weird. I'm wondering if a pile of the odd posts are from men.

As for the ones who say "move on, forgive"... you can't shortcut grief, pain and anger. You have to go through it before you can go out the other side.

One particular poster seems never to have heard the adage "walk a mile in another's shoes before you judge" too.

Rustyplastic · 10/12/2020 01:05

Yes and also I don’t even think it necessarily has to do with forgiving or moving on either
One can move on , forgive and be happy in their life and also note that hmmm well I guess the grass didn’t turn out to be greener .
I guess it wasn’t all he ( or she) dreamed it would be .... and in the context of these men who do run off with the younger trophy types ( seeing there are so many of those cliche stories ) I think it’s perfectly natural that we all have a little chuckle at men’s superficiality and stupidity when they are ruled by their dicks .
Moving on with life and laughing at idiots can be simulataneously and I see no reason why women should be compelled to feel any compassion. Of sadness for these losers .
They made their choices within the context of a society that supports their nonsense . Let them deal with it . Why should women always be the ones worriying about men’s feelings
When it comes to the children of first or second relationships , well that’s where I have compassion

Rubybluesy · 10/12/2020 01:14

Omg sooo bitter

silentpool · 10/12/2020 01:28

Can't the Judgey Brigade go away and leave us to enjoy karma? I don't care if you think, I'm bitter, I don't see why I should wish my ex well. After what he did, he deserves to learn the hard way.

Rustyplastic · 10/12/2020 01:30

@Rubybluesy

Omg sooo bitter
Omg is that supposed to be sarcasm because it actually made me LOL