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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Long affair

82 replies

DanglyEarlobe · 07/12/2020 10:02

I am posting to see if anyone has any experience or knows anything about my situation as I am feeling confused by it and I'm afraid my mental health is suffering.
Several years ago I met a married man, started as a friendship, then turned into love. We were basically making plans to eventually be together. He no longer had sex with his wife but still cared about her welfare. When we first got together his children were taking their exams so I understood that he couldn't leave his wife then. Then his child went off to uni so he felt that he couldn't leave at the same time. The following year his child went abroad for a year, but I was getting so desperate to be with him properly that I broke it off. He still sent me love-songs and little messages and it seemed like he was still in love with me. The affair, on and off, spanned a number of years. then suddenly this year he decided to end it. I don't really know why.
I know on paper this all sounds cliched but he is not at all how it sounds. Everyone I know who knows him says he is a lovely man, will go out of his way to help others, etc. I cannot believe that he has duped me for so many years so I am looking for other reasons why this might have happened to me.

OP posts:

peboh · 07/12/2020 10:08

He was never going to leave his wife for you, that's the only reason he has ended it with you. She comes first, he probably lied to you all those years about them no longer being sexually active. It's time to leave the affair in the past and try to move forward with someone who can give you their all.

FuckThisBullshit · 07/12/2020 10:11

AnyFucker is going to hit the roof :-)

Original poster

DanglyEarlobe · 07/12/2020 10:14

I mean I don't understand how anyone could maintain a lie like that for years, and especially not him. He's not a charmer or a snake, just a genuinely nice man. So, assuming he wasn't lying all that time, then what might have happened this year? I never met his wife properly but on the handful of occasions I saw her with him she did seem aloof and showed no affection towards him.
I had got to wondering if he might have a mental health condition or if he might be schizophrenic. I feel crazy for thinking that as he's not - he can't be. They have been married for over 25 years so surely that can't be the case?

OP posts:

FuckThisBullshit · 07/12/2020 10:16

Nice men don't cheat on their wives, string mistresses along and live double lives for year upon year. You can't see it now, but one day you will... learn from this and respect yourself better next time x

AlternativePerspective · 07/12/2020 10:18

There are no other reasons OP. You were his bit on the side, nothing more.

It suited him to tell you that you were special to him because that meant you would stick around. Please don’t think he’s different to all the other cliches out there, he really isn’t.

You were no different to the average OW, maybe he wasn’t having sex with his wife and so you were convenient there, or maybe they still had an active sex life. Either way he loved his wife and not you.

It’s over, now get some bloody self respect and stay away from married men. You’re not special.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2020 10:18

Where and why did you see his wife? Do you think she might have appeared aloof because her genuinely nice husband was gaslighting her and she felt like she was going mad?

FairyAtTheBottomOfTheGarden · 07/12/2020 10:18

He lied to his wife for that long, why on earth don't you think he's capable of lying to you as well?
Cheats are cheats are cheats. End of.

dasey · 07/12/2020 10:34

My number one rule when it comes to men is if they want to be with you then they will be with you. No excuses or delaying things, if they wanted it as much as you then they will make it happen and quick.
Men don't leave their marriages for the ow because it's not just a choice between two women, it's his reputation on the line, giving up their lifestyle and mutual friends. It's the children that will think badly of them. If he thinks you're worth all the drama he will leave her for you. But more likely he likes keeping the status quo while having his fun on the side.

DimeBarLady · 07/12/2020 10:34

Genuinely nice men do not lie and cheat on their wives for years and string along gullible women by claiming to love them and not being able to leave because the timing isn’t right. He’s lied to two people he claimed to love repeatedly a d for years. That is not genuinely nice guy behaviour.

Ariela · 07/12/2020 10:52

I'd expect he's coming up to retirement and can't find time in a retired day for a double life with you. Covid lockdowns has made it inconvenient and now he realises he can easily do without the added complication

sobsanta · 07/12/2020 10:54

Nice men don't cheat on their wives.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 07/12/2020 10:57

Genuinely nice men are committed to their marriage vows...
Or they leave an unhappy marriage before perusing another woman.
Seriously could you have ever fully trusted him op?

Annonymiss123 · 07/12/2020 11:00

@FuckThisBullshit

^^ This.

If he was a “genuinely nice man” he wouldn’t cheat on and lie to his wife and family.

Cantpickausername5 · 07/12/2020 11:05

I genuinely despair of woman I really do, how many times in the history of humans will it take before we realise that this mostly the out come, how many books need to written, videos need to be made, whole websites dedicated to the subject, before it will sink in? At this point you have chosen to live in the fantasy rather than reality. That's the truth. Your hurting and confused because your still clinging to the fantasy instead of just facing reality. He was never going to leave his wife. Why did he string you along and lie? Pick a list of a million reasons if you want, but the short and simple answer is he did, because he could because you allowed him.

KangaShade · 07/12/2020 11:13

I have to agree with the PPs. If he was constantly finding reasons why he couldn't leave his wife then chances are he was never really serious about leaving. Maybe he realised that this year.

Years ago I was completely in love with a colleague who kept telling me he was going to leave his gf for me. We never slept together but did once have a drunken kiss and he told me he was in love with me. He strung it out for ages until I told him I'd had enough and walked away. They're married with kids now and I don't think he was ever really going to leave her. I don't have feelings for him anymore as I now realise he wasn't a nice guy to do something like that. I just feel sorry for his wife.

Original poster

DanglyEarlobe · 07/12/2020 11:15

@AnneLovesGilbert

Where and why did you see his wife? Do you think she might have appeared aloof because her genuinely nice husband was gaslighting her and she felt like she was going mad?

I just happened to see them in passing a couple of times and when she picked him up from somewhere I was. What you suggest is possible, I hadn't thought of that. But then I don't think he would do that to her. Although obviously he was omitting to tell her about me so that is a form of lying I know that. It's just when you believe a person 100% and all his actions and words support my belief that he had madly fallen in love with me, I found it impossible to think he was in any way in the wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

DanglyEarlobe · 07/12/2020 11:19

@Ariela

That is the most pllausible explanation I hadn't considered. Although I did believe that he and I were going to be retired together in the future. There is quite a big age gap between us. It terrifies me that I clearly have no ability to judge character. If I can't trust my beliefs about him then I don't think I can trust anyone. I appreciate the kind responses as I know I did a wrong thing. All the other men I had encountered up to meeting him had not been anywhere near as kind, thoughtful, funny and loving as him.

OP posts:

cardswapping · 07/12/2020 11:24

I mean I don't understand how anyone could maintain a lie like that for years, and especially not him.

I worked with serial liar at some point. He was absolutely charming. I would say that the way he lied so successfully is that he fully believed his own lies, so appeared genuine. Yet, he knew he was lying.

Interestingly, he also had another chick on the side while both wife and chick thought he was Mr Honest and Marvellous.

For him this came to an end because the rest of us did not want to support his lie.

Wolfff · 07/12/2020 11:26

TBH you sound like you have low self esteem. Although you say that other men don’t measure up, it seems to me that perhaps it was a boost to your esteem to be with someone who ‘belonged’ to someone else? Or perhaps it gave you an excuse not to look for a relationship with someone available in case they rejected you or it didn’t work out.

He is not that into you. He was never going to leave his wife. Perhaps he got bored, perhaps he replaced you with a newer less demanding model.

Don’t waste brain space thinking about this fucker. Think yourself lucky to be rid. Work on your self esteem and try and form a genuine relationship with someone else.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/12/2020 11:26

All the other men I had encountered up to meeting him had not been anywhere near as kind, thoughtful, funny and loving as him.

It's not kind to cheat on your wife.

It's not thoughtful to cheat on your wife.

It's not kind or thoughtful to have loads of laughs with the woman you're shagging behind your wife's back.

It's not loving to cheat on your wife.

He's not a nice person.

You seem shocked he's capable of lying to you, despite knowing he's been lying to his actual partner for years.

Time to grow up I'm afraid, you were the other woman and now he doesn't want you. I'm sure that hurts but the situation was entirely avoidable and these are the consequences.

verticality · 07/12/2020 11:27

He may be charming but he is not a nice person. He's lied and cheated on his wife for years. And he has lied to you - all those excuses about why he couldn't exit the family are just bullshit. He was never going to leave. He just liked having his cake and eating it, but has now reached a point where the risk/reward balance is simply too high for him.

Ask yourself why you were prepared to accept a half-relationship from someone who wasn't committed for so long. There will be issues there. Solve them, though, and you should be able to move on to a place where you are able to have a full and more equal relationship in future.

MyOwnSummer · 07/12/2020 11:28

Honestly? You come across as very gullible and invested in a fantasy.

"he was omitting to tell her about me so that is a form of lying" - well, duh, yes it is. I honestly don't know why you are insisting what a nice guy he really is when there is clear evidence to the contrary.

Obviously, he isn't a nice person. He may be superficially charming and maybe he does lots to help others, but he thought nothing of lying to his wife for years and stringing you along with false promises. Nice people don't behave in such shitty ways.

TheDogisBarkingAgain · 07/12/2020 11:31

Jesus christ. I thought I had low self esteem. You need some counselling or something to sort out the reason for you believing you're only worth a fraction of a relationship and fell for the standard lies every mistress in the history of ever has been told so completely. He's not a nice man, you deserve more, so does his poor bloody wife.

EpochTime · 07/12/2020 11:31

What @cardswapping states about liars who believe their lies yet at the same time know they are lying.
I don't know enough about psychotherapy but the little I do know suggests that this might be a manifestation of borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder. Both of which, could be argued, are not his 'fault' as in; his behaviour does not totally stem from conscious choices.
This might be all pie in the sky, but it might be some sort of an explanation. Think of it as a lucky escape as dealing with these sorts of disorders on a daily basis would be incredibly difficult.

HollowTalk · 07/12/2020 11:31

A friend of mine has been in a similar relationship for decades. There were so many reasons why he couldn't leave - exams, uni and then grandchildren. However I think a large part was he looked at his retirement and thought he'd have a much, much smaller pension, a much smaller house and wouldn't see any of his relatives on her side and wouldn't see his children and watch their children grow up. He weighed it up and, given his dwindling interest in sex anyway, chose his wife and family.

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