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Original poster

Long affair

82 replies

DanglyEarlobe · 07/12/2020 10:02

I am posting to see if anyone has any experience or knows anything about my situation as I am feeling confused by it and I'm afraid my mental health is suffering.
Several years ago I met a married man, started as a friendship, then turned into love. We were basically making plans to eventually be together. He no longer had sex with his wife but still cared about her welfare. When we first got together his children were taking their exams so I understood that he couldn't leave his wife then. Then his child went off to uni so he felt that he couldn't leave at the same time. The following year his child went abroad for a year, but I was getting so desperate to be with him properly that I broke it off. He still sent me love-songs and little messages and it seemed like he was still in love with me. The affair, on and off, spanned a number of years. then suddenly this year he decided to end it. I don't really know why.
I know on paper this all sounds cliched but he is not at all how it sounds. Everyone I know who knows him says he is a lovely man, will go out of his way to help others, etc. I cannot believe that he has duped me for so many years so I am looking for other reasons why this might have happened to me.

OP posts:
BluntAndToThePoint80 · 07/12/2020 11:34

I can’t add anything the other PPs have.

You need to take this as a hard lesson learned and wise up. Stay away from men in relationships and find some self-esteem do you know next time that you (and the poor wife) both deserve better.

Dery · 07/12/2020 11:34

@DanglyEarlobe - really, how can you be surprised that he would lie to you when he was cheating on his wife? Why would you be entitled to better treatment than his wife was getting?

And it’s easy for him to be loving, kind and gentle with you because you were living in your affair bubble which means you weren’t going through the daily grind together. It’s going through the daily grind day in day out which tells you what kind of life partner a person makes. That’s probably why other men compared less favourably. Because with them you were living in reality. Whereas with your affair partner, you were his escape from reality.

AintPageantMaterial · 07/12/2020 11:41

all his words and actions support my belief that he had fallen madly in love with me

Think about this. ALL his actions do NOT support that. His words might have supported it but some of his actions do not. He could have left his wife at any point but he didn’t. That’s a pretty clear signal.

I expect he did care about you. Your relationship was probably important to him but it wasn’t MORE important. Somewhere along the way he decided not to build a life with you (perhaps during lockdown he realised he didn’t miss you enough for that).

It’s natural to tell yourself things that you want to believe. You sunk a lot of time and effort into this relationship. You had dreams. It isn’t easy to let that go especially when it means accepting that you were wrong about someone - because that means you have to take responsibility for your own pain. But you do. It’s not helpful to tell yourself convenient stories now. You need accept the bad side of this man and this relationship. It simply was not all that it seemed,

Opentooffers · 07/12/2020 11:43

In a nutshell, covid happened. If he's getting older he won't want to risk getting this horrible disease and passing it on to others in his age bracket. Seeing you, breaks rules and increases risk.
The fact that he easily broke it off without any explanation, shows how one-sided this was, and while you were romanticising it, to him you were just an added bit of fun to his life.
Btw, going to uni is often seen as the perfect time to split up with someone, I know a few unhappy relationships that split then, so that was a lie of an excuse if ever I heard one, you were well and truly sucked in by his excuses unfortunately. Sorry, but he took full advantage of your gullability for years. That's some blinkers you had on, hope they are lifting now.

HollowTalk · 07/12/2020 11:56

I'm not sure about that, re university. I think a lot of men will wonder whether an angry teenager will actually want to see them at all when they return from uni for holidays.

Thingsdogetbetter · 07/12/2020 13:56

You stopped having sex with him. He continued his declarations of love until he realized he wasn't going to get sex so gave up, or his wife found out, or he has found another ow.

I'm betting on the another ow appearing and him simply switching his charming bs to her.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 07/12/2020 14:07

Maybe he realised the financial implications of splitting up...

Srslydontgiveacrap · 07/12/2020 14:09

Love-songs

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Wiredforsound · 07/12/2020 14:13

@cardswapping Is that Boris Johnson you’re talking about?

PrincessNutNutRoast · 07/12/2020 14:14

he is not at all how it sounds.

He is exactly how it sounds, he is exactly as you have described him. People who have affairs aren't one dimensional pantomime villains with no redeeming features, and if they had no attractive points then nobody would have affairs with them. Did you ever hear of some woman swallowing a man's bullshit like a fine wine and wonder what on earth her thought process was, why she was doing it? Because to her, it looked like this!

Ignore what he said and look at what he DID. That tells you all you need to know. I am sure he cared for you, he may even have loved you, but he ultimately did not want to leave his family for you. And that really had been clear for a long time.

I am sorry you're hurting, but he isn't the person you think he is. He is the person you're worried we think he is.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/12/2020 14:21

I'm not really sure how you can be confused.
Firstly, he was married when he had an affair with you. So, you already knew he wasn't a nice man at all. I have no idea why you are saying he was.
Secondly, it's bleeding obvious if someone doesn't leave their wife when their teenagers have left for uni, that they are never going to leave their wives (unless their wives kick them out).
I am genuinely embarrassed for women who think a man like this is in love with them, when quite clearly, you're just someone to have sex with.

cardswapping · 07/12/2020 14:24

@Wiredforsound Grin nope, but the bloke was physically similar (blond, etc).

InTheNightWeWillWish · 07/12/2020 14:53

Covid happened. He will likely have been spending more time at home, his wife has likely been spending more time at home and his children will have been spending more time at home. The excuses he gave to his wife for when he would see you, no longer stand up. If he’s working late, then that’s later that he’s leaving the study or the dining table.

If he still has a few years until retirement, then he might come back to you when things go back to normal but he has no intention of leaving his wife for you. If he wanted to leave his wife, he’d have done it already. He’ll then likely end it again as he approaches retirement. If he does come crawling back, don’t give him the time of the day. It’s actions that matter, not what he says. He cheated on his wife for years and made excuse after excuse why he couldn’t leave. His actions show he is only concerned with himself.

dottiedodah · 07/12/2020 14:58

I feel for you and you have been duped like so many OW I think.A lot of men seem to want their cakes and eat them .For many men Sex is a driving need that seems to overtake common sense (.As Kingsley Amis pointed out its like being chained to a lunatic!) What he fails to see though is that poor women like you, and so many others is that they are left hanging around "waiting" for said man to leave DW(rarely happens of course)and as my DGM would say have lost some of their best years in the meantime! I think this should act as a warning to anyone in a similar position .Many men like this are totally selfish and are not "nice" at all!

MorrisZapp · 07/12/2020 14:59

For people saying men don't leave, sometimes they do. My DPs dad left his mum shortly after DP left for university. He married the OW a few months later and DP has had no contact with him since.

He's been having an affair for years but waited til the youngest had left home before jumping.

litterbird · 07/12/2020 15:03

You mention that you think he might have a mental health condition, schizophrenia ? He has nothing of the sort. He is just your common or garden man having an affair. He is still having sex with his wife, he never for one minute was going to leave her despite the "when the Childs exams are done" stuff....this is just so text book I am worried for you that you went with this. Did your girlfriends talk to you and try and stop you from wasting the last few years? He is just texting you to keep you on the back burner as you were just a little side piece of fantasy sex to relieve the boredom of life. He lied to you continually and so has he lied to his wife. You will be replaced soon with another woman who will fall for his talk. I am so sorry for you as you do sound awfully naive. Please learn from this, find someone not married and move on.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 07/12/2020 15:04

Forpeople saying men don't leave, sometimes they do.

Oh definitely, but this one won't.

Hawkins001 · 07/12/2020 15:06

His other half may know of the situation ?

arethereanyleftatall · 07/12/2020 15:11

Of the few men who do 'leave', I wonder how many of them made the choice to leave, and how many of them were actually kicked out by their long suffering wives. Because I don't doubt that every single one of them will claim that it was their decision to leave.

SameToo · 07/12/2020 15:15

He’s got a new mistress.

Pechanga · 07/12/2020 15:20

You are very naive if you believe he hasn't been sleeping with his wife all along.

You are also very naive to believe he was ever going to leave her.

He obviously isn't a nice man, he a cheater, so again how naive to try to tell yourself he's a good person when you had proof he isn't,

He's either decided to focus on his marriage and his wife and dump you or he's met a new OW to entertain him.

You need to raise your standards and don't believe everything areseholes tell you to get laid.

ravenmum · 07/12/2020 15:26

I don't think he would do that to her. Although obviously he was omitting to tell her about me so that is a form of lying I know that.
It's not a form of lying. He didn't "omit" to tell you that he was meeting you. He cheated on her with you. That involves lying. Whenever he was with you, he was telling his wife that he was on a business trip. He was telling his child that he was working late. When he got messages from you, he told his wife it was from a workmate. When he phoned you at the weekend, he told his child that he was just popping down the shops.

You might very well not be his first affair, or the only one at the time. His wife might have guessed something was going on but not had any proof.

When I found the emails my exh sent his other woman, she was saying what a lovely guy he was and how he couldn't understand why I was being cold with him. Until she turned up I wasn't cold with him. It was after months and months of unexplained overtime, of him having his phone switched off when I tried to call and saying that it had been in the boot of the car, of him texting her while sitting next to our daughter and saying that she must have misread what she saw.

He's probably ended it because of a close call or because she found evidence, and told him to stop it.

SoupDragon · 07/12/2020 15:31

I know on paper this all sounds cliched but he is not at all how it sounds.

He is clearly exactly as he sounds!

I cannot believe that he has duped me for so many years so I am looking for other reasons why this might have happened to me.

Pure and simple, he chose his wife. He wanted her, not you.

just a genuinely nice man

🤦🏻‍♀️

ravenmum · 07/12/2020 15:34

Did he ever stay overnight at yours, OP? Did you go away for the weekend? Did he visit at the weekends? Where do you think he told his wife he was, when he was with you?

Upstartcrones · 07/12/2020 15:34

You sound very detached from reality. I think you've been living in a sort of bubble for years, one that has separated you from seeing the truth.

You are not special, if he could lie to his wife he could also lie to you.

Your relationship was not special, love songs etc are worthless and so easy to do to keep you on the hook. Actions are what show you that you're loved.

You were never in his future in his mind. There was always a reason you were back of the queue. His family was the future, which is why he wanted to be there for the milestones because that is where he was really invested.

You need to take the rose tinted spectacles off and see the situation for what it is. How old are you OP?