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Original poster

Long affair

82 replies

DanglyEarlobe · 07/12/2020 10:02

I am posting to see if anyone has any experience or knows anything about my situation as I am feeling confused by it and I'm afraid my mental health is suffering.
Several years ago I met a married man, started as a friendship, then turned into love. We were basically making plans to eventually be together. He no longer had sex with his wife but still cared about her welfare. When we first got together his children were taking their exams so I understood that he couldn't leave his wife then. Then his child went off to uni so he felt that he couldn't leave at the same time. The following year his child went abroad for a year, but I was getting so desperate to be with him properly that I broke it off. He still sent me love-songs and little messages and it seemed like he was still in love with me. The affair, on and off, spanned a number of years. then suddenly this year he decided to end it. I don't really know why.
I know on paper this all sounds cliched but he is not at all how it sounds. Everyone I know who knows him says he is a lovely man, will go out of his way to help others, etc. I cannot believe that he has duped me for so many years so I am looking for other reasons why this might have happened to me.

OP posts:
wimhoffbreather · 07/12/2020 15:35

You say your affair was not a cliche, but honestly this is the most cliched thing I’ve ever read. He was never going to leave his wife, he strung you a long and you were very silly to believe him. He’s not a nice man!

Literally every cheater ever has likely said the words “we don’t have sex anymore, I’m just staying for the kids” that is literally the oldest line in the book.

YoniAndGuy · 07/12/2020 15:36

It terrifies me that I clearly have no ability to judge character. If I can't trust my beliefs about him then I don't think I can trust anyone.

WTF?!

You were happy to cheat with a married man for years - what on earth IS your benchmark for a 'decent character'? Yourself? Hardly!

Did it never, ever occur to you that simply doing what he did, for years, with you, basically MADE him a the complete opposite of a 'genuine' person?

This is possibly the loudest noise the other shoe dropping has ever ever made!!!!

AryaStarkWolf · 07/12/2020 16:01

I mean I don't understand how anyone could maintain a lie like that for years, and especially not him.

But he managed to lie to his wife all these years so why do you find it hard to believe that he wasn't also lying to you?

He isn't a genuinely nice man btw, he's dirty cheat. I feel sorry for his wife....who he was most likely still sleeping with

AlternativePerspective · 07/12/2020 16:42

OP, even if he had left his wife there is no knowing a relationship with him would have worked out.

I had a friend at school whose father was having an affair, had been for pretty much the duration of his marriage. His wife actually knew, the GF used to ring the house to speak to him and everything, even the kids knew who she was. Anyway after the youngest left school he either left or she threw him out I’m not sure which. But when he moved out he moved in with the OW. Even though they’d been having this affair for years, once he moved in with her the relationship lasted for six months.

Also, if he cheated on his wife he would likely have cheated on you.

YoungScrappyHungry · 07/12/2020 18:40

Grow up. (And get an STI check)

goldenharvest · 07/12/2020 20:15

His wife has found out and demanded he choose who to be with. He's chosen her. It was always her that was more important than you. You were the icing on the cake for him. You knew when you started the affair you were playing with someone else's marriage. It is possible to love two people, but sometimes you just have to choose.

yetmorecrap · 07/12/2020 21:16

Thing is OP is that all kinds of men are capable of being shits , the ones who can be don’t come with an ‘I’m a charming yet cheating piece of crap’ lanyard round their neck. They can easily come across as perfectly nice family guys who aren’t 100% invested in their marriage. In some cases that’s true in other cases it’s kind of true- but the wife doesn’t know it yet!! They like the buzz and the secrecy. Personally I would want to tell someone like this’s wife , if only so she is aware what a total arse she is with and can make some choices-

theantsgomarchin · 07/12/2020 21:20

I actually really take objection to the fact you keep describing him as "kind". No matter what you think you know about this man, ANYONE who does what he's done, will never, ever, be a kind man.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 07/12/2020 21:24

You can't believe you have no ability to judge character?! That's quite clear from the way you TRUSTED a married man who you know was lying to his wife! Obviously he is a great character 🙄

Notverygrownup · 07/12/2020 21:53

I had a close, close friend who went through this in her twenties. They became close friends through work, then started dating. I didn't know he was married then and they seemed perfect together. Only later, she told me that he was married but separating, he didn't sleep with his wife anymore, he was just waiting for the right time. . . They had recently moved house and upped the mortgage. He wanted to sort out his finances before leaving because he didn't want to ruin them both financially.

I knew this guy and he seemed incredibly caring, thoughtful, attentive to her. He was just capable of compartmentalising his life - his wife we discovered worked shifts, and when she was on a late, he was with my friend, being the perfect boyfriend. Then when he went home, we found out later, he was apparently the perfect husband. He could just switch it off and the other person, thirty miles away, didn't exist.

There were reasons for it. He had been abandoned first by his father then later by his mother and left to be with an elderly grandparent. He had always had long and apparently loving relationships, but had always had a second person on standby - always made sure he was loved in case the first one left him. It didn't excuse his behaviour, but ultimately he confirmed that he was never leaving.

Until I came on MN, I hadn't realised how common his script was. He wasn't ever going to be honest with her. He wasn't able to be honest with himself.

Wintersunn · 07/12/2020 21:59

Another reason OP, is he could have met someone else, another OW and swopped her in. He was never going to leave his wife, why should he when you gave it all up on plate?! He was never the ‘nice’ guy, he played you just as he’s playing his wife and some other poor soul now no doubt.

Fudgsicles · 07/12/2020 23:06

Sorry OP, but he really was just stringing you along. Those were blatant excuses not to leave.

I met DP when he was with his ex, they weren't married and she was abusive so he was getting his ducks in a row. However meeting me changed his plans and he left far quicker than planned because he wanted to take the chance that he was going to something better. When someone genuinely wants you, they will make it happen even though initially things may be tougher for them.

madcatladyforever · 07/12/2020 23:10

He isn't a good or a nice man. He is a lying, cheating shit. He dumped you because he wants a nice comfortable retirement without losing half his home and pension.
It would be too difficult to cheat when he isn't working.
I expect he had this planned all along.
Sorry OP you've been properly done.

ShredMeJillianIWantToBeNatalie · 07/12/2020 23:35

He ended it because he’d got everything he needed from you and you had nothing further to offer him. Sorry if that sounds blunt.

PicsInRed · 07/12/2020 23:37

You've posted about this before, right?

The guy who's well known in your community - you knew of him before you got together?

TheGreatSloth · 07/12/2020 23:58

Hmm, I'm glad I'm not married to hollowtalk's friend. I would not want to be stayed with after such a bloodless weighing up, in which love does not seem to have been much of a ocnisderation.

OP, I feel worried about you. You have been very badly taken advantage of. I don't think you should invest any time in wondering why this man did whatever he did. The bottom line is he has behaved in a horribly cruel way - he has wasted years of your life and led you on; while keeping his wife in a relationship that was not based on honesty. She might well have preferred to start again without him had she known the reality of his relationship with you, so he destroyed her autonomy while knowing he was wasting your emotions and time. Both of you - both women - have had been living false lives based on this man's cowardly, self-serving lies.

Are you getting support for your mental health? Are you taking care of your basic health needs - nutritious food, fresh air, sleep, company? Have you talked to a GP? Are you able to talk about what has happened, to family and friends? Do you have a routine that helps you? These are the things that matter.

To discover things weren't what you thought, at all, is very difficult and you may well need support. Your sole focus should be on you, not on him. You've given him enough already. Leave him to bugger up his life all by himself.

EarthSight · 08/12/2020 00:03

@FuckThisBullshit

Nice men don't cheat on their wives, string mistresses along and live double lives for year upon year. You can't see it now, but one day you will... learn from this and respect yourself better next time x
The OP might be confusing charming & polite with nice & ethical, and they really aren't the same thing.
Dontletitbeyou · 08/12/2020 06:42

He stayed with his wife . He never really wanted to leave her , hence the never ending list of excuses . He’s with her because that’s where he wants to be . How you can say how charming kind and thoughtful he is , when he’s been lying and cheating in his wife for god knows how long , blows my mind . How naive are you ? If he really loved you he’d have left her ages ago .
Learn from this , next time don’t enter into a relationship with a cheat , especially one that is still married , yes even if he reels out that old chestnut ‘ we haven’t had sex for ages ‘ it’s probably a lie . Find a single bloke .

enigmatoto · 08/12/2020 06:48

@PrincessNutNutRoast

he is not at all how it sounds.

He is exactly how it sounds, he is exactly as you have described him. People who have affairs aren't one dimensional pantomime villains with no redeeming features, and if they had no attractive points then nobody would have affairs with them. Did you ever hear of some woman swallowing a man's bullshit like a fine wine and wonder what on earth her thought process was, why she was doing it? Because to her, it looked like this!

Ignore what he said and look at what he DID. That tells you all you need to know. I am sure he cared for you, he may even have loved you, but he ultimately did not want to leave his family for you. And that really had been clear for a long time.

I am sorry you're hurting, but he isn't the person you think he is. He is the person you're worried we think he is.

100% ^^ THIS ^ (very well put PrincessNutNutRoast)
YouJustDoYou · 08/12/2020 06:51

Op he is not a genuinely nice guy. He is a genuinely great liar, they usually are. Poor wife. I bet he was sleeping with her the whole.time, they love to say "oh,we no longer sleep together!", they ALWAYS say that! You've been spun all the usual lines, been taken in by the good side he likes to show people whilst in reality he's actually a manipulative cheating liar. You're well shot of him.

daisychain01 · 08/12/2020 07:05

He no longer had sex with his wife

Yes, but he would say that, wouldn't he.

This has to be a windup!

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 08/12/2020 07:12

He got his wife to pick him up from an "encounter" with you? And you still think he's a lovely, honourable man?
PAHAHAHAHAHA

ZombeaArthur · 08/12/2020 07:14

I’d guess that, even though he’s a liar and a cheat himself, there’s no way he’d leave his family for the type of woman who’d sleep with a married man. He doesn’t want to give up everything he’s spent years building for someone who was willing to have an affair, when he has someone he trusts at home waiting for him.

Roselilly36 · 08/12/2020 08:00

I agree with PP, you have been strung along.

Lust & love are to very different things. Of course he has still been having sex with his wife, he never had any intention on leaving her, and now he has either moved on to someone new, who probably isn’t asking yet when he will leave his wife. He has probably run out of excuses to give you. He certainly isn’t the kind, thoughtful person you thought is he.

Learn the lesson.

Sorehandsandfeet · 08/12/2020 08:18

He is not who you think he is, he cheats, lies and charms women. He was never going to leave! You say there is a large age gap? I don't actually believe that he doesn't want to infect his family, gotten too old or any of those other ideas being bandied about. I would say that it may be likely that you have been replaced by another model, younger maybe and one that is not asking too much. Sorry, but please move on and raise your bar.