Long affair

[DanglyEarlobe]

I am posting to see if anyone has any experience or knows anything about my situation as I am feeling confused by it and I'm afraid my mental health is suffering.
Several years ago I met a married man, started as a friendship, then turned into love. We were basically making plans to eventually be together. He no longer had sex with his wife but still cared about her welfare. When we first got together his children were taking their exams so I understood that he couldn't leave his wife then. Then his child went off to uni so he felt that he couldn't leave at the same time. The following year his child went abroad for a year, but I was getting so desperate to be with him properly that I broke it off. He still sent me love-songs and little messages and it seemed like he was still in love with me. The affair, on and off, spanned a number of years. then suddenly this year he decided to end it. I don't really know why.
I know on paper this all sounds cliched but he is not at all how it sounds. Everyone I know who knows him says he is a lovely man, will go out of his way to help others, etc. I cannot believe that he has duped me for so many years so I am looking for other reasons why this might have happened to me.

My DPs dad left his mum shortly after DP left for university. He married the OW a few months later and DP has had no contact with him since

And this is probably the exact reason why the OP's bloke hasn't left his wife.

Personally I think he was never going to leave her. I imagine at some point in his head he had this idea he might... I'll give him that... but in reality no he actually never was going to.

Living a double life does not make you schizophrenic. He's just your run of the mill self- entitled dickhead who thinks he could have it all.

@daisychain01

He no longer had sex with his wife

Yes, but he would say that, wouldn't he.

This has to be a windup!

They ALL say that! I would love to know the % of mistresses who are told this and then during the affair the man's wife gets pregnant. Anecdotally it's happened to three women I've know in real life out of three women I've known to be with a married man. One of them must have super sperm because he told the mistress he and his wife had separate bedrooms.

I'm afraid it is how it sounds. One thing that keeps people trapped in these situations is their (mistaken) belief that their situation is somehow 'different'. It isn't. He isn't. Not saying he's a complete dick, but he was never going to leave his wife, even if he half believed it. You need to recognise that people delude themselves. It's not lying, but it's not honesty either.

Advice going forward: Judge people (and especially within relationships) by what they do, not what they say. 'Little love poems' ? Really - you think that means anything? He was playing, indulging, daydreaming and getting his rocks off at the same time, always was. His 'real' life is with his family.

Oh and BTW - he is not a nice guy. Anyone who lies to that extent to someone they have spent their life with is a piece of controlling S**T. Maybe one day you will experience being on the end of lies of that scale. Then you will learn the truth.

@DanglyEarlobe

I mean I don't understand how anyone could maintain a lie like that for years, and especially not him. He's not a charmer or a snake, just a genuinely nice man. So, assuming he wasn't lying all that time, then what might have happened this year? I never met his wife properly but on the handful of occasions I saw her with him she did seem aloof and showed no affection towards him. I had got to wondering if he might have a mental health condition or if he might be schizophrenic. I feel crazy for thinking that as he's not - he can't be. They have been married for over 25 years so surely that can't be the case?

He's not a nice man when he has stayed with his wife and strung you along for years is he? He is exactly the opposite

How are YOU OP?