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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband constantly wants sex

116 replies

SnackRussell · 07/12/2020 07:14

This isn’t a great one but I need some advice on how to handle things.

Been with DH for well over 20 years. We are both 40s. Constant ups and downs. Last 10 years have been horrendously torrid. We have teenage DC. Deep down I’m really not happy. I can’t leave though, for various complex and financial reasons. We have many issues.

DH is constantly after sex. He doesn’t sleep well and so wakes me from sleep by groping me and I feel that mostly I have to oblige otherwise he gets really annoyed with me and then I feel like shit. I’d say it’s most days. If I oblige then I generally get a day or so that I can sleep well and relax. He has to have me help him relieve himself mostly. It’s not often actual sex. I feel that if I shut him out it makes things impossible between us so it’s easier for me to go with it. But sometimes I find that hard. He’s incredibly sensitive and if I ever say anything negative he just gets very offended and it’ll ruin the day and carry on.

Sometimes I do feel like it, and those times are fine. Our sex life has always been very one sided, but it doesn’t bother me hugely. I’ve been with him so long and I know he’s the only person who I am likely to ever be with, so I just get on with it. He has a very stressful job. He doesn’t have any hobbies or activities apart from looking at his phone and he rarely, even on a non-Covid year, sees any friends. Me and DC are all he has. I am the total opposite to him.

I’m increasingly nervous and anxious in life in general partly, I know brought on through our relationship. But like I say, leaving really isn’t an option at the moment. I have been on ADs a few times before and they kill my sex drive dead completely! He’s never too empathetic about this, I don’t think he understands it.

I just don’t really know what to do. I sometimes dread going to bed because I know he’s going to spend all night keeping me awake when he really wants sex and I’m going to be exhausted all day. If I turn him down I just know then I’ll spend it feeling guilty anxious and tense!

I can never win.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 07/12/2020 07:18

Oh OP this is awful you sound trapped in a sexually abusive relationship that is based on torturing you when you sleep

How about separate rooms - I know you say you cant leave but you are sacrificing yourself to him. Setting out boundaries and having your own space to sleep

Have you talked to him - how does he make it impossible? This cant go on for your mental health and well being

Seatime · 07/12/2020 07:21

Contact Women's Aid, you need help.

Weejo39 · 07/12/2020 07:27

You can win. You can end the marriage, tell him you're unhappy and want to split. Finances, or lack of you can overcome and live a comfortable, happy, carefree life without this coercion for sex, anxiety and unhappiness. Put a plan in place, do you work at all? Have a look at UC you'd be entitled to. Also half(at least) the marital assets after a divorce are due to you too. You can do it. They're are such an army of MNetters here for advice and support

Shoxfordian · 07/12/2020 07:27

He's continously sexually abusing you, of course you're not happy. Can you at least sleep in another room? Take some steps to speak to a lawyer, you can leave him.

Original poster

SnackRussell · 07/12/2020 07:27

There’s just too much I can’t really go in to for fear of outing myself (I’m a frequent name changer because I’ve had problems with him finding me - I’ll have to NC again after this thread.)

It’s just really, really not possible for me to leave. Separate rooms aren’t an option either.

I feel bad because I know I’ve painted him to be some kind of evil sex monster, which he isn’t, he’s very complex and extremely sensitive. I know if I were to leave than I fear that he would harm himself. We live with a lot of stress. He literally has no one else.

I want to say that if I ever tell him to stop, he WILL stop. It’s just the fall out from that afterwards that then becomes the issue.

OP posts:

Gobbledygook20 · 07/12/2020 07:28

Blimey what a way to live. Hope you sort things and end this 'relationship'.

Shoxfordian · 07/12/2020 07:30

It definitely is possible to leave
Speak to women's aid if you can
Can you go for a walk to call them or a solicitor? You can free yourself, it's all in your hands

Original poster

SnackRussell · 07/12/2020 07:34

I really honestly can’t leave. It’s just not an option. Not at this time. I have to bide my time for another few years.

OP posts:

Namechangednorth · 07/12/2020 07:35

If you are not prepared to leave and not prepared to stand up to him and say no then it's difficult. I couldn't live with feeling like his cum dump!

Weejo39 · 07/12/2020 07:35

The fall out afterwards IS the coercion. You can leave, the majority of men who threaten to hurt themselves don't, regardless of his feelings in all this, yours are paramount here. Your kids are grown, his stress doesn't need to be yours, you can walk away, visit a lawyer if only for the advice and confidence in knowing your rights. If he finds you in MN, stop him from reading your phone, put a lock on it.

berrygirlie · 07/12/2020 07:37

Not everyone can leave. OP, I don't have much advice but I'm sorry for what you're experiencing Is there any possibility for therapy or counselling for both of you? Maybe individually as well

category12 · 07/12/2020 07:41

This is abusive.

You can't stay just because of his mental health - it doesn't give him an "out" for behaving so badly. His mental health is his responsibility to deal with, not yours - you should not give up your bodily autonomy, your health (sleep deprivation is bad for your body & mind) and mental & emotional well-being to prop up a man who treats you like this.

He needs to seek help if he's unstable. And he needs to create his own social network, it's incredibly unhealthy to have everything pinned on you. While you're there enduring his behaviour, he has no motivation to change his life for the better. At a certain point you're enabling him.

If he stalks you online etc, it sounds like there's more than the sexual abuse going on too.

You do not need to be a sacrifice to the altar of this man.

Quartz2208 · 07/12/2020 07:41

But OP you are sacrificing yourself to him - the fact that he has no one else doesnt give him the right to continually push you.

Why cant he do it himself as a stress reliever - why do you have to say he will stop when he shouldnt be starting in the first place.

Being complex and sensitive doesnt give anyone the right to do what he is doing which is breaking you down and abusing you. You are name changing because he stalks and finds you online

He is an abusive man who is using the threat of hurting himself to keep you inline,

He either wont because it is a tactic or he needs serious help

Original poster

SnackRussell · 07/12/2020 07:43

He’s never threatened to hurt himself, he puts so much emphasis on our relationship that it’s just my biggest fear. I feel pressured and guilty at times. I’ve tried to encourage him over the years to make more friends and find interests but he just won’t engage.

OP posts:

category12 · 07/12/2020 07:43

Is it your dc's exams that are an obstacle to leaving?

category12 · 07/12/2020 07:45

I’ve tried to encourage him over the years to make more friends and find interests but he just won’t engage.

He doesn't need to, that's the point. He's using you to fill every role. Which is why staying isn't actually helping him.

Original poster

SnackRussell · 07/12/2020 07:45

I know he has paranoia issues. He does think everyone is against him or that he is the laughing stock.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 07/12/2020 07:48

He is either a narcisstic abusive man or he has some serious mental health issues OP.

if it is the former you need to break free for your own good and he wont do anything

If it is the latter then actually what you are doing isnt helping either of you - sacrificing yourself to hold back on what is going to be I suspect an inevitable breakdown will just make it worse. Making yourself his aid just isnt a good idea.

You cannot sweep it under the carpet anymore either way

Original poster

SnackRussell · 07/12/2020 07:48

@category12

I’ve tried to encourage him over the years to make more friends and find interests but he just won’t engage.

He doesn't need to, that's the point. He's using you to fill every role. Which is why staying isn't actually helping him.

You have completely hit the nail on the head. I am every role! I hate it. I hate the pressure.

He won’t engage with my interests or my friends all of which I love dearly and could never be without. I think he’s always been jealous even though he says he’s not.

He was brought up like that though. His family are all the same.

OP posts:

Original poster

SnackRussell · 07/12/2020 07:51

@Quartz2208

He is either a narcisstic abusive man or he has some serious mental health issues OP.

if it is the former you need to break free for your own good and he wont do anything

You cannot sweep it under the carpet anymore either way

I think it’s MH issues. He’s not a nasty person, he really isn’t. But he won’t do anything about it. He just carries on! It’s incredibly stressful all the time. I know that I’m his only outlet. Just the pressure of that is hard to deal with sometimes. We’ve been together for so long that he’s let ever other aspect in his life go and it’s just me left.

OP posts:

userxx · 07/12/2020 07:54

What a miserable way to live, I just couldn't imagine it. Please don't waste another 20 years on this man.

Casuffit · 07/12/2020 07:56

I have been where you are. It is horrible and soul destroying. It took me years to leave but I have finally. I am now in my mid 50s. I wasted many years wrestling with the situation. You will know when you are ready to go and you will make it happen.

I am only a few months into being in my own home and there are difficult days but my teenage children are happy and settled. We are ‘amicable’ though that is increasingly hard. I am SO much happier.

You will be one day too. He will not change. It is not you. These were the things that got me out.

dottiedodah · 07/12/2020 07:58

When you say you cant leave .Do you mean you will not be able to find a similar home ,or be stuck in a bedsit or something? Quite honestly I would be unable to cope with this.It sounds like he is totally dependent on you .Even leaving aside the Sexual Abuse (because that is what it is)You need good quality sleep! What happens when you hit the Menopause FFS!

Quartz2208 · 07/12/2020 08:00

Then if it is mental health issues you cannot keep on like this for him - he is I think from your posts getting worse and you cannot keep on being the plaster for this increasingly deep wound.

It isnt sustainable at all. Please start the process of getting help for yourself and how best to handle extracating yourself and getting him help.

MrsLebowski · 07/12/2020 08:06

It's really abusive in every way. Why can't you leave? You need to get out of there.

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