Husband constantly wants sex

[SnackRussell]

This isn’t a great one but I need some advice on how to handle things.

Been with DH for well over 20 years. We are both 40s. Constant ups and downs. Last 10 years have been horrendously torrid. We have teenage DC. Deep down I’m really not happy. I can’t leave though, for various complex and financial reasons. We have many issues.

DH is constantly after sex. He doesn’t sleep well and so wakes me from sleep by groping me and I feel that mostly I have to oblige otherwise he gets really annoyed with me and then I feel like shit. I’d say it’s most days. If I oblige then I generally get a day or so that I can sleep well and relax. He has to have me help him relieve himself mostly. It’s not often actual sex. I feel that if I shut him out it makes things impossible between us so it’s easier for me to go with it. But sometimes I find that hard. He’s incredibly sensitive and if I ever say anything negative he just gets very offended and it’ll ruin the day and carry on.

Sometimes I do feel like it, and those times are fine. Our sex life has always been very one sided, but it doesn’t bother me hugely. I’ve been with him so long and I know he’s the only person who I am likely to ever be with, so I just get on with it. He has a very stressful job. He doesn’t have any hobbies or activities apart from looking at his phone and he rarely, even on a non-Covid year, sees any friends. Me and DC are all he has. I am the total opposite to him.

I’m increasingly nervous and anxious in life in general partly, I know brought on through our relationship. But like I say, leaving really isn’t an option at the moment. I have been on ADs a few times before and they kill my sex drive dead completely! He’s never too empathetic about this, I don’t think he understands it.

I just don’t really know what to do. I sometimes dread going to bed because I know he’s going to spend all night keeping me awake when he really wants sex and I’m going to be exhausted all day. If I turn him down I just know then I’ll spend it feeling guilty anxious and tense!

I can never win.

You

If you're married, you don't need to be on the mortgage or deeds to have a claim on the house.

First of all, it's not your fault that he doesn't have anyone (I assume). He's had the choice and time over the years to maintain and cultivate friendship, but he hasn't. I'm sure you would have supported him if he wanted to do that. I know he's stressed, and that probably puts a massive dampener on his want to explore, socialise, try new things or learn something new. I know that he probably copes by grabbing his phone, hoping that that it will relieve his stress or other negative emotions......but all of that is still not your fault. You really need to start seeing him as an adult. He should be commended for working hard, you can keep those positive emotions, but please consider the fact that you feeling sorry for him that he has nothing or no one else will not help matters......in fact, that only really helps him, if that even!

If you feel safe in doing so, you need to draw a clear line in the sand and say, from now on, you will never wake me up with groping and sexual touching ever again unless I have consented. You don't have to explain why. If he can't respect such a serious request, I would say that is not a man that can be trusted, and not one who takes you seriously or respects your wishes. If he does do that after you've told him clearly not to, you must insist he sleeps on the sofa (at the very least), and please contact Women's Aid for help with your finances if you plan to leave.

When you draw that very clear line, you need to be ready for sulking & huffing, which will be hard. It's really unpleasant and distressing to live with that, but absolutely do not give in . That's very important. He must learn that no matter how much be huffs and sulks, this night time groping will no longer be happening. You will no longer be coerced or domibated into action in order to keep the peace, in order to have a pleasant atmosphere. Let him be and ass. Detatch yourself from it. Don't engage, don't try to cheer him up, don't apologise, don't say 'Sorry....but'. Just disappear into another room or out of the house so that no one will be witness to his display.

If he wants to divorce you because he wants sex but is not really interested as to why you don't want his sexual attention, then let him. I'm sure the lawers will be interested to know what the dynamic has been like between you.

@SnackRussell

I really can’t go into detail, I’m terrified that I’ll get identified.

There’s no financial abuse because there’s no money. We have separate accounts no joint one. I am not on the mortgage. There are reasons behind all of these things but this plus more has tethered me to the situation I’m in for now.

Are you married?

If so, then irrespective of there being no joint account and your name not being on the mortgage a significant proportion of everything is yours anyway.

It matters not one jot whether your name is on it.

'I’m the only good thing he has in his life and without me he has nothing, on numerous occasions'

And

he also says that you are lucky that he coerces you into sex because you are old

And

you have kids but are not on the mortgage

Yet

Yet he treats you in such a way you have almost had a breakdown, you cant refuse sex, you dont have any financial security

You have been brainwashed into believing you are responsible for his feelings, you are worthless, that you you do would not get anything from the house if you leave. If you have been living in a home together for many years and have children, then you are entitled to a share if not half of the equity in the home, unless there are some unusual circumstances. If you want to leave, please seek financial advice as well as Womens Aid

He’s incredibly sensitive and if I ever say anything negative he just gets very offended and it’ll ruin the day and carry on.

He's sensitive??? Too sensitive to be told that he's a selfish rapey shit who needs to fuck off and leave you to sleep? He sounds HORRIBLE, OP - smothering, selfish, inconsiderate, rapey, stalkery, stingy, financially controlling, needy, coercive...

What kind of example is your relationship setting for your poor kids?

What do your family think of him?

Why not make an appointment with a solicitor, see what your options are? Doesn't matter if you're not on the mortgage etc if you're married. You will be entitled to a share.

Life is fucking short. Too short to live like this.

Alterntively, sit him down and say very clearly that YOU are entitled to sleep peacefully and not have him wake you up. Make it very clear that if he wakes you up again he will be sleeping elsewhere and you will not be having sex with im. And tell him that if he sulks about it, you will just ignore him until he decides to act like an adult again.

You are NOT responsible for him OP. He is.

Why shuold you be considerate of him when he's walking all over you and ignoring your needs and wishes?

@SnackRussell

I don’t have access to any finances or property or anything like that. I know I’ve put myself in an extremely vulnerable position. But, many years ago I I was young and incredibly stupid and I believed him and I trusted him that things would be fine and we would have a good life. It’s only in the last 10 years I’ve realised that this was never to be the case, but I had already had DC by then and knew it was too late. I’ve tried so hard to keep the faith in our marriage but I can’t find any more. I know one day I WILL leave. I can’t see a future after they leave home. But it won’t be for at least another 5 years.

I just need to know how to get through until then.

Yes you do. You're married. What's his is yours (to a large degree)

@SnackRussell

I really can’t go into detail, I’m terrified that I’ll get identified.

There’s no financial abuse because there’s no money. We have separate accounts no joint one. I am not on the mortgage. There are reasons behind all of these things but this plus more has tethered me to the situation I’m in for now.

Irrelevant.

You're married. Get legal advice, CAB to start with.

And he's as sensitive as a brick wall.

I forgot to add -

Your husband is not dealing with issues head on, and the way things are going now is leaving you distressed. He wants more sex, more satisfying sex. He cannot possibly be happy with this night time groping where it's clear you're not that into it??? You're just helping him masturbate which he can do by himself. It's grim and sad.

He wants more sex. You don't, and the way he's going about it is dysfunctional and damaging to you. He must know that but I can't imagine he cares all that much which is a big problem if that's true.

Your mismatching needs has to be talked about, even if you end up agreeing to split up but parent the children under the same roof until you can work out how to go your separate ways.

If he can't manage to talk about it without sulking, shuting down or being a dickhead in some way, then he can bloody well live without any sex at all until he learn to communicate like a mature grown-up in a non-absusive way.

OP, you say this:

I have been on ADs a few times before and they kill my sex drive dead completely! He’s never too empathetic about this, I don’t think he understands it.

It isn’t about whether or not he understands it. He does not care. You might be telling yourself (as I did in my own awful, draining relationship) “he does care about me at some high level, he’s just too distracted by his own stress/need/problems to really put that into practice”, but really - when he’s pressuring you into sex and stopping you sleeping, what’s the difference?

He doesn’t care about your needs as a person. He only cares about the ways you can soothe him and meet his constant needs. He thinks he can treat you like this because you’re a combo provider of sex/reassurance/childrearing/whatever else you provide in his life. He thinks that whatever needs you might have, they matter less than his. And by extension, you matter less than he does.

You deserve more than this. Anyone would deserve more than this.

He's financially abusive.

He's sexually abusive.

He's emotionally abusive.

But you think he's not a nasty person.

You need some support. You are deep in denial and when you wake up it's going to be difficult. I would start with some legal support. Look for organisations that give some advice for free and go from there.

There is a lot of financial abuse going on - the house and the money is half yours - please seek legal advice

It sounds like a sex addiction, where sex is used to absent himself from his emotions. Often this acted out away from the marraige but in this case you are bearing the brunt.

Perhaps have a look into this and see if he'd be open to working on it?

FWIW my husband is a porn addict (so very similar in nature to sex addiction) so I have read up on it a lot. His though was acted out online with others, not me.

Take care of yourself. I echo the other posters who have said that you deserve more, and you aren't wholly responsible for his emotions. This is the dynamic in my marriage and I was expected to put up with too much.

Contact Womens Aid, they'll listen and give advice.

I left my ex after 30 years. He was abusive; emotional, verbal, financial and definitely sexual (rape on a few occasions).

He, too, dropped all his friends, concentrating his attention on me. I, too, felt smothered.

I left 3 years ago, best thing I ever did, and the DC say that too. We are thriving. And although he threatened suicide a few times at first, he never went through with it, it was all for attention.

You are implying that you are staying for the DC. Please don't fall for this rubbish, it's never a good idea to stay in abusive relationships for the sake of the kids. In fact, you'll be doing them a favour by getting out now. They'll be picking up on the atmosphere between you and your DH, so don't kids yourselves they don't know anything.

You can't handle another five years of this op.

Have faith in yourself that you can get through the emotional, practical and financial difficulties that will ensue. My x HATED me and was horrible to me but yes also a sex pest. He had other faults. Things were tough but it is worth it.

Reading your post and updates, I feel so sad for you OP. And I want to tell you what the police told me, that waking up finding your husband furking about with your bits, and/or masturbating on you is a sexual offence. I didn't pursue any kind of charges because I was deeply ashamed and there were many other complex issues in my marriage breakdown, but ultimately post separation my counsellor made me see that my husband was sexually, financially and emotionally abusive. Sometimes its so so hard to see it when you're in that situation, and you feel like you're the one at fault, or if you behave differently then you can change him.

Please seek some independent help, there are lots of organisations like Women's Aid who will help you to understand the level of unacceptability that his behaviours sit at. The Freedom programme is excellent, and there are counselling options out there too.

And please please try and get some sleep. Find a way to get some decent rest where he cant wake you up. There's a reason that sleep deprivation used to be used as a torture method - it will wreak havoc on your body and mind x

Op this is such grim reading. I know you say you have your own reasons for not leaving him but you really aren't helping yourself. You've nearly had a breakdown over this and at some point you will have a breakdown. Guaranteed.
You are talking about another adult here who is not your responsibility to keep on an even keel. Not your responsibility to keep happy with sex acts you don't want to perform. You deserve a life but only you can make it happen

How on earth can you live like this?! His behaviour is sexually abusive and utterly disgusting. It doesn’t matter that he stops if you say no - that doesn’t make it any better- he knows if you turn him down he’ll make you feel like shit for days for it. That’s coercive control, it’s just as abusive. My ex was exactly like this and it’s why I left him when dd was 6 months old - we’d been together 6 years by then. Having a baby made me realise I just couldn’t carry on living like that. Don’t waste any more of your life with this turd.

I have now remarried and dh and I have times when we don’t have sex for weeks. I have chronic health conditions and I need my sleep and I am often in pain. Dh understands. That’s what good people who love each other do. Reading your post made me feel all the rage again that I felt with my ex. Just awful.

If you are married you do not need to be on the deeds or the mortgage to claim half the house. It’s just another example of him being a controlling arsewipe by not putting you on it.

I've messaged you, OP 💐

I have been stuck in an unhappy marriage where I would be bribed into sex to keep the peace, stuck because of my own physical disability, ex's mental health and the care of my children.

It takes reading your post to realise just how bad it was, as I kind of blanked it out. I managed it - goddess knows how - but I'm out and happy now.

It can be possible. I understand it seems insurmountable now (and i especially understand how frustrating it is to keep being told it is possible when we don't know your reasons for staying!) but there will be a way out eventually. Keep on keeping on 💐

This is just awful. I feel so suffocated just reading your posts OP. This is without doubt an abusive relationship, you just can't see it as that as you've been with him so long. I think when you eventually leave and have had time to adapt to a new life you'll look back with horror that you stayed for so long.

Every bit of me is screaming at you to leave but if you're insisting you can't then have you tried to have a calm discussion with him during the day about the 4am groping? Can you tell him you're happy to have sex when you go to bed, but your sleep is being affected by the middle of the night waking and tell him he has to stop as you need your sleep. What would he say to that? Would he even sulk if you worded it calmly/nicely? This really is such a grim situation to be in OP. I hope you don't end up with trauma over being used as an object like this. Please explore every single avenue for leaving or you'll become a shell of a woman.

I don't know what you want from this post? Nobody can change your situation other than you. If you want to crack on living like this then feel free but you might as well not bother posting. If you want a better life away from your abusive husband then leave him. Nothing is insurmountable. You need to share what these barriers are so people can help or just suck it up. Literally.

He's financially abusive.

He's sexually abusive.

He's emotionally abusive.

you do realise that this is against the law. Coercive control is illegal.

and as no doubt the person who would be left with the kids, anything in this marriage, including his pension and any pots he may have hidden away, would be more than 50% yours, irrespective of whos name is on them.

@SnackRussell reading this has made me very sad for you but also angry, your DH has made you so attuned to his needs that you've forgotten yourself completely. He has sucked you into believing that you're the only thing he has but he doesn't value you, if he did he would think of your needs and wants too, he has built a cage for you with his neediness. I know you say you can't leave and can't say why but why do I feel it's been his acts that are so bad you can't even talk about them?

I think hard as you will find it that you need to take a big step back and try to look at your situation dispassionately, what does he bring to your live? Do you want your DC to model this relationship, would you be happy for them to live like this? Are your IL's like this, is it learned behaviour? Have you let him get away with his behavious for so long he thinks it's normal? (Hint, it's not, not by a long way).Either way, do you REALLY want the rest of your life to be like this?
And just for the record, any man who woke me up repeatedly looking for sex in the middle of the night would be very, very sorry- nothing gets between me and my sleep!

@Whatabambam

I don't know what you want from this post? Nobody can change your situation other than you. If you want to crack on living like this then feel free but you might as well not bother posting. If you want a better life away from your abusive husband then leave him. Nothing is insurmountable. You need to share what these barriers are so people can help or just suck it up. Literally.

Helpful.

I have a friend. She is disabled and has a disabled child. She cannot get any assistance with care needs, and as her DH isn’t physically abusive she can get no help to leave. Coercive control/financial abuse etc is often illegal in name only, I know of multiple friends who haven’t been able to access help because of it.
She has no choice but to stay and ride it out for now.

There are few situations that cannot be fixed, but they do exist.