Husband constantly wants sex

[SnackRussell]

This isn’t a great one but I need some advice on how to handle things.

Been with DH for well over 20 years. We are both 40s. Constant ups and downs. Last 10 years have been horrendously torrid. We have teenage DC. Deep down I’m really not happy. I can’t leave though, for various complex and financial reasons. We have many issues.

DH is constantly after sex. He doesn’t sleep well and so wakes me from sleep by groping me and I feel that mostly I have to oblige otherwise he gets really annoyed with me and then I feel like shit. I’d say it’s most days. If I oblige then I generally get a day or so that I can sleep well and relax. He has to have me help him relieve himself mostly. It’s not often actual sex. I feel that if I shut him out it makes things impossible between us so it’s easier for me to go with it. But sometimes I find that hard. He’s incredibly sensitive and if I ever say anything negative he just gets very offended and it’ll ruin the day and carry on.

Sometimes I do feel like it, and those times are fine. Our sex life has always been very one sided, but it doesn’t bother me hugely. I’ve been with him so long and I know he’s the only person who I am likely to ever be with, so I just get on with it. He has a very stressful job. He doesn’t have any hobbies or activities apart from looking at his phone and he rarely, even on a non-Covid year, sees any friends. Me and DC are all he has. I am the total opposite to him.

I’m increasingly nervous and anxious in life in general partly, I know brought on through our relationship. But like I say, leaving really isn’t an option at the moment. I have been on ADs a few times before and they kill my sex drive dead completely! He’s never too empathetic about this, I don’t think he understands it.

I just don’t really know what to do. I sometimes dread going to bed because I know he’s going to spend all night keeping me awake when he really wants sex and I’m going to be exhausted all day. If I turn him down I just know then I’ll spend it feeling guilty anxious and tense!

I can never win.

This is horrible to read I am so sorry for you OP, what a horrible way to live. To dread going to bed, to sleep and to rest every night because you know your husband the one person who is meant to care the most for you is going to wake you pestering you for a wank or sex. It really is abusive.

I truly don’t know what to say there are other far more wiser women on here who can give wonderful advice but you cannot keep letting this happen to you OP you must be exhausted and worn down. What if you say no I will have sex say at 10pm do not wake me after that I’m tired?

@RantyAnty

If you can't leave right now, get him on antidepressants. It will kill his sex drive and possibly help his mental status. Make an appointment at the GP for him.

Oh, just had a horrible thought - sometimes antidepressants just make it really slow-going and hard and frustrating for a guy to climax. Which could make things worse for op.

@SnackRussell

There’s just too much I can’t really go in to for fear of outing myself (I’m a frequent name changer because I’ve had problems with him finding me - I’ll have to NC again after this thread.)

It’s just really, really not possible for me to leave. Separate rooms aren’t an option either.

I feel bad because I know I’ve painted him to be some kind of evil sex monster, which he isn’t, he’s very complex and extremely sensitive. I know if I were to leave than I fear that he would harm himself. We live with a lot of stress. He literally has no one else.

I want to say that if I ever tell him to stop, he WILL stop. It’s just the fall out from that afterwards that then becomes the issue.

This is a form of emotional abuse as well as the sexual abuse. Manipulating you to stay because otherwise he might hurt himself is not ok.

As others have said, call women's aid. Get some help and get out.

so you have had problems with him finding you on MN too - is he controlling about who you see outside the home?

you say the children are your priority, but you are demonstrating to them what a 'healthy relationship' looks like - your marriage will be the default example that they take forwards and build their own future on, which is why this kind of behaviour continues down through the generations

he is depriving you of sleep, which is a form of torture, and coercing you into sex.

I feel bad because I know I’ve painted him to be some kind of evil sex monster, which he isn’t, he’s very complex and extremely sensitive

why? because he has discovered that to turn all attention onto 'poor him' and maybe weep a few crocodile tears has made you roll over and give him what he wants. No he is a manipulative, abusive prick who uses his MH to control you

What a nightmare. Sounds like he has his own stuff to deal with. Like others have said, his mental health is his own responsibility and his warped ideas of sex and love are not your problem.
Does he see sex as a test of your level of feelings for him?

@SnackRussell

There’s just too much I can’t really go in to for fear of outing myself (I’m a frequent name changer because I’ve had problems with him finding me - I’ll have to NC again after this thread.)

It’s just really, really not possible for me to leave. Separate rooms aren’t an option either.

I feel bad because I know I’ve painted him to be some kind of evil sex monster, which he isn’t, he’s very complex and extremely sensitive. I know if I were to leave than I fear that he would harm himself. We live with a lot of stress. He literally has no one else.

I want to say that if I ever tell him to stop, he WILL stop. It’s just the fall out from that afterwards that then becomes the issue.

Which makes him a sex pest!!

Your posts actually make me feel quite sick. You really must look for a way out somehow.

I think it’s MH issues. He’s not a nasty person, he really isn’t. But he won’t do anything about it. He just carries on! It’s incredibly stressful all the time. I know that I’m his only outlet. Just the pressure of that is hard to deal with sometimes. We’ve been together for so long that he’s let ever other aspect in his life go and it’s just me left.

Yes he is nasty! He is a sex pest at best, abusive at worst. This is no way to live and no example for your children.

@SnackRussell

I really honestly can’t leave. It’s just not an option. Not at this time. I have to bide my time for another few years.

Do you own your home? Are your finances in trouble?

MN may be able to advise

On top of everything else, does he stalk you on MN? That's a real worry on itself.

Like others have said, there's nothing insurmountable to leaving, everything will have a practical solution, even things like debt, kids exam periods or disabilities, or whatever's holding you back. It sounds like a miserable way to live at the moment and you're allowed to put yourself first.

I know you said Op in your original post you don't know what to do and leaving isn't an option but everyone who has been through similar or escaped abuse will tell you, leaving is the only option for it to stop.

Abusers don't change and you need to think about if this is what you really want for the rest of your life.

It's a huge thing to get your head around so please keep getting support.

Thank you so much for taking your time to reply.

I need to reiterate that he has NEVER said he would harm himself if I leave, it’s more my biggest fear as he has said to me I’m the only good thing he has in his life and without me he has nothing, on numerous occasions. I know this is true because he has only a couple for friends he sees perhaps once every few years, and he doesn’t have any hobbies or passions other than surfing the net on his phone. I know this is where the tracking me comes from, and I think he does it when he’s run out of things to look at. There has been some bigger issues with this in the past but I can’t go into detail. Again this was all due to his over-sensitivity and overbearing personality. I did speak about this to friends and family as it got too much at the time and I almost had a breakdown.

I do feel a burden but I don’t know what’s normal or what’s not because we have been together for such a long time. I know that no relationship is perfect.

He will wake me up most nights but touching me all over. Usually at around 4am, so I can never get back to sleep. Sometimes if I oblige then I get peace, if I pretend to sleep or fight him off he will get huffy or upset.

I just hate being woken up by having him gyrating against me. I feel smothered! He tells me I should feel lucky because most husbands don’t desire their wives as they get older.

There’s no hope I can get him to see a GP. He doesn’t even go to see a dentist!! There’s just no hope he’ll ever see a GO about any condition especially a MH one.

I feel bad because I know I’ve painted him to be some kind of evil sex monster, which he isn’t, he’s very complex and extremely sensitive. I know if I were to leave than I fear that he would harm himself. We live with a lot of stress. He literally has no one else.

He sounds a bit like my ex-P. The way I saw it at the time: he didn’t mean to be abusive, not really, not deep in his heart, he was just this howling vortex of need and stress and he couldn’t cope with me not helping helping helping with every ounce of energy I had. Everything was about him, how much he suffered, how stressful his life was, how he couldn’t imagine life without me.

And I thought “well he’s not BAD. He is genuinely struggling. He is genuinely stressed and sad. So that’s different to being abusive, right? And also he can barely cope with the stresses of life with me guiding him through it like a baby learning to walk, so he probably couldn’t manage at all without me, could he?”

I was wrong on both of those things. Abuse is still abuse, even when there’s genuine distress or mental illness behind it. And it wasn’t my job to carry him through all his struggles, and he did (to his surprise!) actually end up fine without me.

Oh, I also told myself that he did care about me really deep down, he just didn’t have any mental space to think about my needs as a person because of all his needs and stress and needs and stress, it wasn’t his fault, he just suffered so, he did love me really. In retrospect: wish I’d paid more attention to his parents, and especially his mother who’d been playing just that role for his father for thirty years.

I suffered this too. I was voiceless and without choices. Either I surrendered and had sex I didn't want or said no and was given subsequent treatment I loathed. It would often leave me suicidal and I would often sleep on the very edge of the bed in the tightest ball I could so as not to be available. There were no right answers, everything destroyed me piece by piece. He would not listen and the only way to be free was to leave. It took approximately 6 months from knowing I had to get out to reaching a point of no return. A constant pressure and violation of boundaries is soul crushing. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's not part of a healthy relationship.

Please read up on corceive behaviour OP.
It will open your eyes that this not him being over sensitive, it is control.

I don’t have access to any finances or property or anything like that. I know I’ve put myself in an extremely vulnerable position. But, many years ago I I was young and incredibly stupid and I believed him and I trusted him that things would be fine and we would have a good life. It’s only in the last 10 years I’ve realised that this was never to be the case, but I had already had DC by then and knew it was too late. I’ve tried so hard to keep the faith in our marriage but I can’t find any more. I know one day I WILL leave. I can’t see a future after they leave home. But it won’t be for at least another 5 years.

I just need to know how to get through until then.

You keep talking for support and you build your strength. You keep working it out that this isn't what you want anymore and you slowly find a way. It doesn't have to be 5 years.

Womens aid are brilliant, as are other organisations similar.

You don’t know what’s normal and what’s not . Let me help you out .
It’s not normal being woken most if not every night by a sex pest husband who coerces his wife into having sex/wank , by becoming sulky and bad tempered if she declines . That’s NOT normal . As for the he gets huffy or upset if you fight him off . That is so far from normal it’s sad .
You can leave him , you certainly don’t have to stay married to someone like this . He says if you leave he would have nothing , well if he thinks that much of you , isn’t it about time he got some professional help for his issues, he really needs it .
He can choose to bury his head in the sand , like he has been , because let’s face it , he doesn’t give a fuck about how you are feeling . If things don’t change this will be your life for the foreseeable , going to bed knowing you are going to be groped until you are awake and have to have sex , or wank him off . Sounds an appalling way to spend your life .

He sounds appalling. He coerces you into sex, stalks you online, and then has the absolute nerve to tell you’re lucky that he is still interested enough to be systematically abusing you. He has wrapped his whole life up into you and made you responsible for his happiness, an intensely arrogant and entitled thing for him to do.

You are not responsible for his happiness, and he doesn’t care about yours as long as you are servicing his needs. I hope one day you will get the strength to leave, because he doesn’t deserve someone like you. You and your children deserve so much better.

Well, if this isn't abuse. I don't know what is, frankly. He utterly coerces you.

So very sad and i hope other posters have ideas that can guide you.

What do your family think?

I think it’s MH issues. He’s not a nasty person, he really isn’t. But he won’t do anything about it. He just carries on! It’s incredibly stressful all the time. I know that I’m his only outlet. Just the pressure of that is hard to deal with sometimes. We’ve been together for so long that he’s let ever other aspect in his life go and it’s just me left

Right, he's not a great person though is he?

I mean the best case scenario here is:

• He isn't raping you, but he's coercing you into having sex you don't want on a regular basis by acting out if he doesn't get it

• He doesn't care about your feelings and sees them as less important than you giving him a wank

• He expects you to meet his every sexual and emotional need but isn't interested in meeting yours

• He expects you to put up with the repercussions of his stress and mental health instead of finding help to sort them out like a capable adult

Is this what you want your children to see as a 'healthy marriage'?

Do you really want this to be the model they base their own adult relationships on?

Can you request access to the joint account? Or ask for a joint account? Are you renting or mortgaged?

If you're married, everything (house etc) is half yours. I know it's not much help when you have no control over any of it right now, but it is yours, just as much as his.

It sounds like you're being financially abused on top of the sexual and emotional abuse, and the controlling behaviours.

There are ways out. Perhaps a way of keeping you going for now, would be to start working towards the day you leave. (Even if it's not right now, like I really want you to do ). If you can, how about siphoning off a bit of the household grocery money by getting cashback when you shop? Just a bit at a time to start building an escape fund. Try speaking to Women's Aid and getting some support and advice - they won't push you to leave, they'll understand. Just start making some small steps on the quiet so there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

@ravenmum

I'll talk about just one aspect of this, as I don't have personal experience of such awful abuse. But I do have personal experience of my exh ending our marriage, so can paint a picture of what it could potentially be like for your husband if you leave. My social life was very, very restricted for various reasons, and I had a history of anxiety and low self-esteem since my teens that I was just about managing. When my marriage ended, I became so depressed that I had to face my problems properly - I got medical treatment and psychotherapy for the first time in my life. As a result of that, I started working on my social life, made new friends and simply did more out of the house; and I sorted out some of the things in my life that I'd been avoiding. Because I'd relied on my marriage as a crutch, I hadn't done those things before. I'm glad things changed in my life.

The crutch you are providing involves coercive sexual abuse. It's awful for you, and not even doing your husband any good. Nobody is benefiting from your staying.

I also agree that by staying you are actually enabling the behaviour that is damaging you both.

I know that sounds harsh, but there is some toxic co-dependency going on here.

Can you afford to get some therapy or relationship coaching to help you explore things more?

I know you feel trapped, but most of that will be a cage you have built in your own mind. Find the door.

I really can’t go into detail, I’m terrified that I’ll get identified.

There’s no financial abuse because there’s no money. We have separate accounts no joint one. I am not on the mortgage. There are reasons behind all of these things but this plus more has tethered me to the situation I’m in for now.

If you can find a deposit for a rental, you may get some housing benefit towards the rent, plus you will receive tax credits alongside your wages. You cannot waste another 5 years.