Husband constantly wants sex

[SnackRussell]

This isn’t a great one but I need some advice on how to handle things.

Been with DH for well over 20 years. We are both 40s. Constant ups and downs. Last 10 years have been horrendously torrid. We have teenage DC. Deep down I’m really not happy. I can’t leave though, for various complex and financial reasons. We have many issues.

DH is constantly after sex. He doesn’t sleep well and so wakes me from sleep by groping me and I feel that mostly I have to oblige otherwise he gets really annoyed with me and then I feel like shit. I’d say it’s most days. If I oblige then I generally get a day or so that I can sleep well and relax. He has to have me help him relieve himself mostly. It’s not often actual sex. I feel that if I shut him out it makes things impossible between us so it’s easier for me to go with it. But sometimes I find that hard. He’s incredibly sensitive and if I ever say anything negative he just gets very offended and it’ll ruin the day and carry on.

Sometimes I do feel like it, and those times are fine. Our sex life has always been very one sided, but it doesn’t bother me hugely. I’ve been with him so long and I know he’s the only person who I am likely to ever be with, so I just get on with it. He has a very stressful job. He doesn’t have any hobbies or activities apart from looking at his phone and he rarely, even on a non-Covid year, sees any friends. Me and DC are all he has. I am the total opposite to him.

I’m increasingly nervous and anxious in life in general partly, I know brought on through our relationship. But like I say, leaving really isn’t an option at the moment. I have been on ADs a few times before and they kill my sex drive dead completely! He’s never too empathetic about this, I don’t think he understands it.

I just don’t really know what to do. I sometimes dread going to bed because I know he’s going to spend all night keeping me awake when he really wants sex and I’m going to be exhausted all day. If I turn him down I just know then I’ll spend it feeling guilty anxious and tense!

I can never win.

This is so difficult to read. You are wasting your one and only life.
Your children will survive (and probably thrive) if you leave; whereas you are dying piece by piece by a thousand cuts to your self esteem and mental health. Sleep deprivation is torture.
Why can't you at least sleep elsewhere?
Please leave. Any life must be better than this one.

You are in an abusive relationship and please stop excusing him by saying he is complex and sensitive.

You need to look for a way to leave even if it seems impossible there will be a way.

In the meantime you can tell him you will not be assisting him with his nightly masturbating or having sex against your will.

Oh OP. "I feel bad because I know I’ve painted him to be some kind of evil sex monster, which he isn’t, he’s very complex and extremely sensitive. I know if I were to leave than I fear that he would harm himself. We live with a lot of stress. He literally has no one else."

He is the definition of an evil sex monster. He is sexually assaulting you when you sleep. Have you ever asked him to wake you up by touching you in a sexual way at 4am? No. Every time he does it without gaining consent he is sexually assaulting you and then trying to coerce you further by being 'sensitive' and getting in a mood when you say no. I'll repeat again, its sexual assault, coersion and manipulation. He isnt sensitive he is a horrible nasty person who gets what he wants by guilt tripping you.

What would you say to your children if they ended up in a relationship with someone like this? Stay til your kids are 18? They will pick up on his behaviour because someone that twisted and manipulative wont be like that just about sex, it is obvious from your posts you're so used to this you don't see how bad it is. And your kids will be the same, this will be their model for a 'normal' relationship and they will end up in a similar one. Please reconsider leaving

If you don't want to leave can you get him to go to sexual therapy or marriage counselling of some sort? Or at least tell him what he's doing is making you miserable and try to deal with the fall out. You can't live like this!
My husband used to be gropey constantly (it didn't get to the extent you speak of) until I told him to pack it in, it doesn't get women in the mood you're just being annoying. He was quite embarrassed in the end.

Please don't go to marriage counselling with him . It's not advised with abusive partners.

@Charlotte2020

If you don't want to leave can you get him to go to sexual therapy or marriage counselling of some sort? Or at least tell him what he's doing is making you miserable and try to deal with the fall out. You can't live like this! My husband used to be gropey constantly (it didn't get to the extent you speak of) until I told him to pack it in, it doesn't get women in the mood you're just being annoying. He was quite embarrassed in the end.

He's assaulting her while she sleeps. Repeatedly. It's unwanted sexual touching. This is serious. OP is exhausted by this, upset by it and feels like a piece of meat being pawed by an animal. Not the odd misjudged request for afternoon delight or a tap on the arse when she walks past. You should never, ever go to joint counselling with an abusive partner. Ever.

He's sexually abusing you, emotionally abusing you and torturing you.
Sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique and he is doing it to you on a near daily basis for his own sexual gratification.

From your posts, it's obvious that you care about him far more than he does you.
He does not care about you or he would not do this

You say you can't leave so sit him down and tell him firmly that you will not be sleeping with him anymore or doing anything sexual with him unless YOU want to.
I'd also get your ducks in a row for when you do find the strength to put yourself first and go find your happiness.

Tell him you have gynae issues/ dental issues which means you can't do it any more/ gives you too much pain. Buy him a blow up doll or go elsewhere for his needs.

Surly he wouldn't want to do anything with you if it caused you pain?

Of he doesn't care then you have more problems on your hands.

I would emasculate him, say he is rubbish in bed, he doesn't turn you on, he smells down there etc until he doesn't want to do it with you anymore.

OP this is no way to live.

This man is not complex and sensitive- he is abusive and coercive. Don’t dress up a common or garden abuser as something more to make the situation seem harder for you to escape than it is - I mean that with kindness.

Women with children leave men like this every day thrive.

If he were to harm himself if you left it would be his responsibility and his alone.

I think you’d be surprised that rather than be a wreck of a man, he’d either find the will to be a spiteful pain in the arse or find someone else to pester and molest.

You deserve more than a life where you are stressed to go to sleep in your own bed at night.

Speak to him during the day when kids aren't there. Tell him you need to talk to him about something important.
Tell him you will have sex once a week, that's enough. That or nothing and he's to not try it on apart from that.
Then go to counselling for yourself as soon as possible to get support to plan your escape.

literally my relationship with my ex of 2yrs

Tell him you have developed an allergy to sex and to do it in any form is torture and from now on you need a full night sleep because sleep deprivation is also torture.

Would he still want you to engage even if you were sobbing and wincing?!

You need psychological support to deal with the huffing. Drown it out by yogic breathing or wear headphones or put them on, just a signal to stop him.

It is just a matter of time before you have a breakdown op, do you think you having a breakdown will help your DC?

He's not 'extremely sensitive', he's an abuser. If you really won't leave him, you need to insist on separate rooms or at the very least separate beds. If he doesn't like it, presumably he learned how to wank.
You are not responsible for his mental health or emotions. If he harms himself - he probably won't, unless as a way to manipulate you - well, that's his choice. If he sulks and ruins the day - water off a duck's back, don't let yourself care.
He only has as much power over you as you allow him.
But what can be so important that it stops you leaving him? Your children would do better with a happy mother. Financial problems can be worked through. Nothing is worth being so unhappy.

@MrsTerryPratchett

He's financially abusive.

He's sexually abusive.

He's emotionally abusive.

But you think he's not a nasty person.

You need some support. You are deep in denial and when you wake up it's going to be difficult. I would start with some legal support. Look for organisations that give some advice for free and go from there.

This

Oh you poor love.
This is no way to spend your one precious life.

Have you ever said to him
" stop waking me in the night "?
Does he understand his much you hate it ?

If there is no spare room han you get him to sleep on the sofa ? If he refuses I'd be inclined to bc sleep there myself

this is very difficult reading OP... I do hope you seek some real life support and advice and soon.. this is not living.. it's merely existing.. your kids deserve you living 🌺