Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

TW. Sex feels like rape.

88 replies

placemarker · 06/12/2020 23:31

Name changed for obvious reasons.

Married a little over a year, been together for two years. Great relationship, very happy and understanding with love and affection.
I was indisidiously abused when I was younger (15, sleeping with two 25 year olds who made me feel pressured and a 51 year old when I was 16, though that wasn't assault because I was legal but still traumatising). Didn't realised previously that I had been taken advantage of because I didn't realise I was vulnerable, had all the bullshit of being "mature" for my age so thought it was OK these men wanted me.

I don't like having sex with my husband. I feel like I need to do it anyway (though he doesn't put any pressure on me) because it's a big part of a relationship and I'm not comfortable with him watching porn or wanking (please don't have a go at me about this). We had sex with morning and I couldn't stop thinking about my ex, one who I really loved - it made me feel horrible during sex but I don't ever say stop when it's started. I said for him not to do something during foreplay and he said OK, but he did it after he finished as a joke - nothing bad but felt bad because of aforementioned ex stuff and discomfort during sex. I know it sounds bad but he didn't have bad intentions, he's a good person and I think he meant it as a joke.

I've been to therapy, I've told people who can help about my experience, I've acknowledged what happened. I'm with a good person and I love him, but this is an issue and I haven't been able to solve it with counselling or external support.
I think it's worsened by not having much physical attraction, I don't know how to solve this. If you have any advice, please help. Sorry if this is triggering.

OP posts:

Original poster

placemarker · 06/12/2020 23:33

this morning, not with morning

OP posts:

Alexandernevermind · 06/12/2020 23:38

I can't offer advice, but just want to say I am sorry about what happened to you.
You asked him not to do something and he did it anyway as a joke? That's wrong and disrespectful of him.

Original poster

placemarker · 06/12/2020 23:39

Thank you. He didn't mean it badly, and he apologised about it when I seemed upset. I just feel gross all the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

placemarker · 07/12/2020 00:18

Bump

OP posts:

Theghostofchristmasarse · 07/12/2020 00:27

I'm so sorry for what happened to you.. I had similar experiences with older men when I was late teens.. At the time it seemed normal. I know it wasn't now.

Thing is though, you said 'He's a good man' but no physical attraction?
That stands out to me. If you don't enjoy it, then I'd stop doing it. Nothing will make you want to do it less than submitting to it out of duty or routine. In fact if he's getting anything less than over enthusiastic consent from you, why would he want to?
Talk to him, explain. See if you can build it up again. But if you don't fancy him and dont want to have sex with him then it's a friendship, not a marriage.

Original poster

placemarker · 07/12/2020 00:29

Thank you for responding, @Theghostofchristmasarse. I don't know how to stop, I don't even know if that's the right thing to do. You see so many threads where women get cheated on in sexless marriages and most posters say "What did you expect?". I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I could leave even if I wanted to, if I could never have sex with him again. I'm disabled, I can't work. I feel very stuck.

OP posts:

Piratedoor · 07/12/2020 00:35

Im really sorry for what you've been through but I really don't think its fair on either you or your husband that you, firstly, don't find him physically attractive, and secondly, don't like having sex with him and also don't like him masturbating. That's not a marriage unfortunately

Original poster

placemarker · 07/12/2020 00:36

Great. I'll just change my mind then. Cheers @Piratedoor.

OP posts:

Piratedoor · 07/12/2020 00:41

@placemarker

Great. I'll just change my mind then. Cheers *@Piratedoor*.

No need to get defensive, I'm just giving you my honest opinion. I don't think its fair that you dislike having sex with your husband and then also don't like him wanking either.

Apileofballyhoo · 07/12/2020 00:41

Did you ever enjoy sex with him, OP?

joanwinifred · 07/12/2020 00:41

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Also, if your partner did something to you that you'd asked him not to do, that's also a form of sexual assault. I'm sorry he did this to you, that's awful.

I no longer have sex anymore (I'm 27), because I was raped and sexually assaulted and I don't trust men anymore.

I can't offer any advice because I'm in a similar situation to you. I just want to let you know I'm sorry this happened, and you're justified in feeling this way and I wish things were different for both of us.

Original poster

placemarker · 07/12/2020 00:46

No need to get defensive, I'm just giving you my honest opinion. I don't think its fair that you dislike having sex with your husband and then also don't like him wanking either.

There are lots of things that aren't fair in this situation, @Piratedoor. If you can come up with something helpful or supportive first and then voice your concerns, that would be helpful

Did you ever enjoy sex with him, OP?

I'm not sure @Apileofballyhoo. We've had good sex maybe a couple of times, but I don't know if that was because it was with him. I had good sex with my ex, even after being hurt but I can't have good sex with my husband. I don't know why it feels so bad. I just feel dirty all the time, but I still have a sex drive - I don't know why it's in this relationship specifically. He's a good guy.

I'm really sorry @joanwinifred. It's such a horrendous experience. I'm sorry for everything you're going through and I hope you and I can both heal from this lots of support your way x

OP posts:

Piratedoor · 07/12/2020 00:54

My advice would be to get divorced and find someone you enjoy having sex with 🤷‍♀️ You can't stay with someone who makes you feel gross during sex, its just not going to work, especially if you've only been together 2 years anyway

Original poster

placemarker · 07/12/2020 00:57

Even if everything else is great, @Piratedoor?

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 07/12/2020 00:57

I had sex that I didn't want to have with my ex. It honestly felt like raping myself. It caused me so much sexual trauma. I have also been raped but having that consensual sex that I didn't want to have caused me far more trauma.

If you don't find him physically attractive then that won't change.

Why don't you like him wanking? Is he allowed to wank or would you kick up a fuss? because if you try to stop him from doing it then that is extremely controlling and you can't let your own issues excuse you controlling someone else!

Original poster

placemarker · 07/12/2020 00:59

@user1481840227. He knows wanking upsets me. There is no way I could control him into not doing it if he wanted to do it. He says he doesn't so I trust him - if he does it I wouldn't know

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 07/12/2020 01:02

That could be considered very manipulative though...often controlling behaviour takes the form of one person being 'upset' by the other person wanting to do something!

Original poster

placemarker · 07/12/2020 01:03

Okay, so how do I feel better about it @user1481840227?

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 07/12/2020 01:03

He says he doesn't.....do you ask him a lot??

katy1213 · 07/12/2020 01:03

Does your husband think everything is great? You seem to be exerting a lot of control over him whilst barely tolerating him. None of it sounds great to me. And @piratedoor was right, it's not a marriage.

Original poster

placemarker · 07/12/2020 01:04

He says he doesn't.....do you ask him a lot??

No obviously not. We have conversations about it once in a while, and sometimes make jokes. Fuck sake

OP posts:

Original poster

placemarker · 07/12/2020 01:04

Does your husband think everything is great? You seem to be exerting a lot of control over him whilst barely tolerating him. None of it sounds great to me. And @piratedoor was right, it's not a marriage.

I give up. Shame on me for asking for help

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 07/12/2020 01:05

Okay, so how do I feel better about it @user1481840227?

What is it about it that upsets you? What way does it make you feel?

RhubarbTea · 07/12/2020 01:05

@Piratedoor

Yeah I'd pretty much echo this. It sounds like you aren't fully over your ex? And regardless don't fancy your husband.

I wonder if it might be worth going back to therapy, not to focus on the past but to think about how you relate to men in your present. I say this just because I had similar experiences to you as a teenager, and I noticed that I tended to pick men I wasn't very attracted to afterwards, as though that somehow made them 'safer'. But actually it wasn't safe, it just felt icky and awful and I was panicky and trapped with people I didn't fancy, having sex I didn't want to be having.

Now I am single and a lot happier. I don't have much more advice, but lots of sympathy. I hope you find some answers.

Original poster

placemarker · 07/12/2020 01:06

What is it about it that upsets you? What way does it make you feel?

The concept of him watching porn and getting off to women getting raped. The concept that even when he wanks without porn he'd still think about porn. The concept that if he were to wank, it would be in the next room while I tried to distract myself

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4