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Original poster

I think my partner has a crush on a co-worker

94 replies

Lottiusprime · 05/12/2020 20:41

I think my fiancé has a crush on his co-worker and I’m not too sure how to go about it?

My fiancé (29M) has recently started a new job (around three months ago), since starting all I hear about is this girl he works with let’s call her Molly.
My partner has said how much like me she is, a total ‘lad girl’, she plays games and has built her own PC the same as my partner has, she is pretty and slim and into loads of cool stuff. She’s 19 or 20 so quite young and without children obviously. Me on the other hand (27F) we’ve had two kids together (5+3) and I am a typical overworked stressed out mummy, I feel that my partner is developing a serious crush on this Molly girl and i’m starting to feel really insecure and threatened by her. She seems lovely and always says hello to me if i pop into his work for whatever reason but something inside me feels like he wants to spend time with her more than me. He spends the entire day with her at work then comes home and they message eachother about gaming and then play online together talking over the microphone whilst i sort the kids out and put them to bed, then sit upstairs on my own watching netflix in bed while he is downstairs playing.
Am i just being silly? I’ve brought it up before and made a joke about him running off with her because i do have to admit she’s cool as hell and I can see why he likes her, she’s basically me when i was younger and without kids.
We have been together nearly ten years now and he has always been honest and faithful and so have I but I just feel a little put out to be honest.
Does anyone else have a similar experience? And how did it play out? What did you do/say?
Thanks so much in advance xxx

OP posts:
AllChange2020 · 05/12/2020 20:55

It could be completely innocent and he genuinely just gets on well with her as it sounds like they have a lot in common. However, I wouldn't find it acceptable for him to be in constant contact with her outside of work. Work is work and home time is family time, there has to be a distinction between the two.

He can have a laugh with his colleagues whilst at work, however outside of work he is a partner and a father and should be spending his time with you and the kids, enjoying your/their company.

Newwayofthinking · 05/12/2020 20:56

Why are you sorting out the kids, why isn't he spending time with his kids and partner

Original poster
Lottiusprime · 05/12/2020 20:57

@AllChange2020

It could be completely innocent and he genuinely just gets on well with her as it sounds like they have a lot in common. However, I wouldn't find it acceptable for him to be in constant contact with her outside of work. Work is work and home time is family time, there has to be a distinction between the two.

He can have a laugh with his colleagues whilst at work, however outside of work he is a partner and a father and should be spending his time with you and the kids, enjoying your/their company.

I'm hoping it is and that i'm just being insecure and paranoid, like i said he's never given me a reason to doubt him before so why start now? Yes i do agree, maybe i should speak to him about the extra communications outside of work and just say it's making me uncomfortable but then i don't want to come across as some psycho girlfriend that won't even let him have friends.
OP posts:
thefourgp · 05/12/2020 20:58

You should not be seeing to the children alone then sitting watching tv by yourself while he acts like a single man and gives his gamer friend all of his attention.

Original poster
Lottiusprime · 05/12/2020 20:59

@Newwayofthinking

Why are you sorting out the kids, why isn't he spending time with his kids and partner
I dunno it's just how it is in our house, we went out today for hours and hours exploring in the woods and getting muddy and he stayed home playing games all day as it was his day off work and he said it was too cold out. He does work hard so i said no worries and that he didn't have to come with us on the walk but i do wonder sometimes if he just doesn't want to spend time with us.
OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 05/12/2020 21:00

Your fiance is not 19. He is 29 year old father of two with a live in fiance. Time to remind him of that. Get him to put his kids to bed and get off the sodding microphone.

QueenoftheIceAge · 05/12/2020 21:00

He sounds like a shit bloke whether he fancies her or not. Why isn’t he coming home and spending time with his children instead of gaming?
Why don’t you try going out as soon as you’re both back from work and leave him to it until the kids are asleep? A few nights until you break his habits then keep it up regularly. Go to the gym or to Tesco or whatever is open near you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2020 21:01

Was he an involved engaged dad before he started being friends with her or has he always preferred gaming to being with his children?

Original poster
Lottiusprime · 05/12/2020 21:01

@thefourgp

You should not be seeing to the children alone then sitting watching tv by yourself while he acts like a single man and gives his gamer friend all of his attention.
But when i moan about his gaming i then feel bad after because he does work hard and i feel he should be allowed some time to himself
OP posts:
thefourgp · 05/12/2020 21:03

You’re not being a psycho girlfriend for asking him to prioritise his family over a ‘friendship’ in his spare time. Do the two of you have any joint hobbies or stuff you used to do together you could get back into? I know it’s difficult when you have children. Trust your gut on this one. If their relationship feels like a threat to yours it’s because it probably is.

Original poster
Lottiusprime · 05/12/2020 21:04

@AnneLovesGilbert

Was he an involved engaged dad before he started being friends with her or has he always preferred gaming to being with his children?
I mean he does play with them sometimes but he definitely prefers playing his games. I must add he does suffer quite badly with anxiety and OCD which causes him to try and then distract himself by gaming or that's what i've come to understand of it. But now i am wondering if he wants to chat to this girl rather than using it to help his mental state x
OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 05/12/2020 21:04

i feel he should be allowed some time to himself

When do you get time for yourself? He couldn't even be arsed with his kids on his day off.

YakkityYakYakYak · 05/12/2020 21:05

But when i moan about his gaming i then feel bad after because he does work hard and i feel he should be allowed some time to himself

Do you get any time to yourself?

TwentyViginti · 05/12/2020 21:06

He's not anxious around this younger woman though, is he.

Original poster
Lottiusprime · 05/12/2020 21:06

@thefourgp

You’re not being a psycho girlfriend for asking him to prioritise his family over a ‘friendship’ in his spare time. Do the two of you have any joint hobbies or stuff you used to do together you could get back into? I know it’s difficult when you have children. Trust your gut on this one. If their relationship feels like a threat to yours it’s because it probably is.
Not really i mean i'm a very active and creative person i enjoy long walks and i go kickboxing and enjoy building forts and making things out of wood and he likes electronics and gaming and built his own computer. We are very different people but we have similar views on things like politics and morals etc and we love eachother (and the sex is great!) but no we don't really spend much time together other than very occasionally watching a film x
OP posts:
Original poster
Lottiusprime · 05/12/2020 21:07

@YakkityYakYakYak

But when i moan about his gaming i then feel bad after because he does work hard and i feel he should be allowed some time to himself

Do you get any time to yourself?

I mean at the moment i am on furlough so i'm home all the time and doing all the school runs and everything at home where as his job is "essential" so he is still working like 40 hours a week
OP posts:
Original poster
Lottiusprime · 05/12/2020 21:08

@TwentyViginti

i feel he should be allowed some time to himself

When do you get time for yourself? He couldn't even be arsed with his kids on his day off.

At the moment i do have a lot of time to myself as i am furloughed from work x
OP posts:
JorisBonson · 05/12/2020 21:09

You don't seem to be focusing on what's actually wrong in the relationship.

Original poster
Lottiusprime · 05/12/2020 21:09

@TwentyViginti

He's not anxious around this younger woman though, is he.
Yeah i guess not, i haven't actually seen how he acts around he as i don't really go and watch him at work but he speaks to her like a mate on the gaming chat. I'm not sure how his text messages sound as i'm not like that to go through his phone and read his messages x
OP posts:
PonderingPeggy · 05/12/2020 21:11

I mean he does play with them sometimes but he definitely prefers playing his games.

He sounds more like a distant uncle than a father.

OldWomanSaysThis · 05/12/2020 21:11

To carry his work relationship over into the evening - that's way too much. His evening should be his "2nd shift" with his partner and children.

pinkdragons · 05/12/2020 21:11

Why is he playing games and messaging another person all evening. He should be helping put the kids to bed at least.

Can you ask him to spend time with you rather that playing his game and messaging his friend.

FWIW, he sounds like he might be in to her. Doesn't mean she would be interested in an approaching 30 dad of 2 with a soon to be wife. I know I wouldn't have been.

user1481840227 · 05/12/2020 21:11

Yes i do agree, maybe i should speak to him about the extra communications outside of work and just say it's making me uncomfortable but then i don't want to come across as some psycho girlfriend that won't even let him have friends.

Psycho girlfriend? you're the mother of his 2 kids.
Don't try to be the 'cool girl'. You are allowed to have boundaries.

thefourgp · 05/12/2020 21:11

Having some time to himself (an hour or two at night) is not the same as spending every spare minute gaming online. He should have gone on that walk. He should have wanted to spend time together as a family.
Does he have any involvement in taking care of the children by himself or doing the housework without you having to tell him to do it?
You’re using the wrong words to describe yourself and sound like you have low confidence. You’re not a psycho girlfriend, you’re a frustrated partner. You’re not moaning at him, you’re trying to talk with him about you’re unhappy with the relationship dynamic.

Original poster
Lottiusprime · 05/12/2020 21:12

@JorisBonson

You don't seem to be focusing on what's actually wrong in the relationship.
I mean it's not perfect but it usually works for us, he does help out from time to time does the dishes and picks up our son from school if he finishes work earlier. If his shift is starting later on then he will get up and take both of them to school and nursery and lets me have a lie and he brought me home a sausage sarnie the other day after he did the school run so he's not a complete arsehole all the time but i do understand what you're saying
OP posts:
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