I think my partner has a crush on a co-worker

[Lottiusprime]

I think my fiancé has a crush on his co-worker and I’m not too sure how to go about it?

My fiancé (29M) has recently started a new job (around three months ago), since starting all I hear about is this girl he works with let’s call her Molly.
My partner has said how much like me she is, a total ‘lad girl’, she plays games and has built her own PC the same as my partner has, she is pretty and slim and into loads of cool stuff. She’s 19 or 20 so quite young and without children obviously. Me on the other hand (27F) we’ve had two kids together (5+3) and I am a typical overworked stressed out mummy, I feel that my partner is developing a serious crush on this Molly girl and i’m starting to feel really insecure and threatened by her. She seems lovely and always says hello to me if i pop into his work for whatever reason but something inside me feels like he wants to spend time with her more than me. He spends the entire day with her at work then comes home and they message eachother about gaming and then play online together talking over the microphone whilst i sort the kids out and put them to bed, then sit upstairs on my own watching netflix in bed while he is downstairs playing.
Am i just being silly? I’ve brought it up before and made a joke about him running off with her because i do have to admit she’s cool as hell and I can see why he likes her, she’s basically me when i was younger and without kids.
We have been together nearly ten years now and he has always been honest and faithful and so have I but I just feel a little put out to be honest.
Does anyone else have a similar experience? And how did it play out? What did you do/say?
Thanks so much in advance xxx

Yes she's recently broken up with her bloke

Sounds like she'd be doing you a favour OP.

He needs a kick up the backside. You need to encourage him to make happy memories with your family. At the moment he's making them with her. He can play his game 3 nights a week (for example) but spend weekends with you & his children and some evenings just the 2 of you.

And he needs to picture his life if he leaves you for her. A few years of gaming then a repeat if what you have now - life/kids/drudge. But doubled. Men are such twerps!

he told me recently that she had said he was "basically perfect except not enough tattoos

Do not ignore what your gut is telling you. Am she's not a mate. She's a younger you, she's flirting/playing up to him. They're doing it under your nose, while you look after his house & kids, she looks after his ego. They have 'fun' things in common, she fancies him.

Recipe for disaster all around.

You have talked to him, now see what he does about it.

Does he know your 5 yo thinks he's grumpy & doesn't play with him?

Of course he's not 'all bad' people rarely are.

He, or someone, has done a right number on your self esteem & 'place'.

You're not HIS mother, he needs to start acting like YOUR husband, his kids Dad, responsible adult & pulling his weight at home, not a footloose single bloke getting his ego massaged by young Molly

Don't brush this under the rug

I highlighted that but from your post then forgot to comment on it...

He's telling you what's going on. He wants you on your toes.

So sad that this man is ignoring his children most of the time.

He is doing it because he can. Now you have challenged him he will hopefully stop.

He is a typical selfish sod who acts surprised that the two children he has fathered need caring for, playing with and generally nurtured. Blimey and putting to bed! FFS.

Unfortunately for you, he sounds like just the kind of man who forgets how amazing his wife at home is and fancies the young, carefree, cool one at work. The one who has had plenty of sleep and time to herself etc etc.

I really hope you can bring him to his senses. You sound lovely. But you have also been too lenient. Remind him you are a family and he should be desperate to keep hold of you all.

If he's playing the game I think then he's going to be wanting to be investing more evenings into it from, well, tonight onwards.

I think she fancies him, he's developing "grass is greener" views and your relationship is on very shaky ground.

He's a shit dad prioritising gaming over his children. I'm a very competitive gamer going back 25+ years and hold many achievements and am highly respected, but while my children were growing they were number one, and at all times closely followed by DP. His priorities are discombobulated.

then play online together talking over the microphone whilst i sort the kids out and put them to bed

Having boundaries is fine. Personally, I don't want people in the background of my livingroom all evening. It doesn't matter if it's male or female. It different with telephone calls - you put the phone down and that is that. With headphones though, it's like they permanently there on the channel and it's possible for them to hear what's going on in the background, depending on the settings and the mic.

I think you should set a routine. On Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday, you should be spending at least an hour with each other in the evening. Watching something, doing a project together or going for a walk with the kids.

@Girlyracer

He plays games all day on his day off. What a man child you have saddled yourself with there. When is he going to grow up and be an emotional and practical father to his children?

On the reason for the thread, he should not be messaging/playing with her on an evening.

Does he do anything else other than play computer games when he's not at work?

Just curious - which non child or partner related activities would you approve your partner to do instead of gaming? Reading? Carpentry? Watching Youtube videos? I agree that he should be spending more time with his partner and children, but I don't think there's anything wrong with gaming as long as it doesn't degrade the relationship.

My ex had an affair with a colleague, he started off with mentioning her a lot, saying she had so much ‘banter’ and how she was more of a ‘lad’. This was to throw me off the scent, which admittedly worked as I assumed he was having an affair at work but I wasn’t too sure who with but I thought “oh it definitely can’t be so and so as they’re just friends with ‘banter’”.

I agree with other posters, you’re enabling him to be a lazy sod when it comes to family life. I guarantee everything you do for the kids is triple the work he does. I mean, sounds like work is fun for him with this ‘friend’.

@EarthSight, reading or carpentry or whatever don’t give you such a fast, addictive dopamine hit, don’t require the participant to keep playing through their children’s bedtime nightly because it’s multiplayer and ‘live’, and they mean you would acquire skills and knowledge as you’re doing the activity.

The OP’s partner sounds as if he has all the hallmarks of what the WHO characterises as a ‘gaming disorder’ — a ‘pattern of behaviour characterised by impaired control over gaming, to the extent that gaming takes precedence over other interests and daily activities, a d continuation or escalation of gaming despite the occurrence of negative consequences.’

His ‘anxiety and OCD’ are just as likely to be caused and worsened by his gaming. And frankly, why wouldn’t he be anxious, if he had one spark of self-awareness? He’s opted out of being a parent to game.

[quote Kippure]@EarthSight, reading or carpentry or whatever don’t give you such a fast, addictive dopamine hit, don’t require the participant to keep playing through their children’s bedtime nightly because it’s multiplayer and ‘live’, and they mean you would acquire skills and knowledge as you’re doing the activity.

The OP’s partner sounds as if he has all the hallmarks of what the WHO characterises as a ‘gaming disorder’ — a ‘pattern of behaviour characterised by impaired control over gaming, to the extent that gaming takes precedence over other interests and daily activities, a d continuation or escalation of gaming despite the occurrence of negative consequences.’

His ‘anxiety and OCD’ are just as likely to be caused and worsened by his gaming. And frankly, why wouldn’t he be anxious, if he had one spark of self-awareness? He’s opted out of being a parent to game.[/quote]
I think that's fair enough. They're not all highly addictive but in his case he's prioritising them over family life in the evenings.

Just curious - which non child or partner related activities would you approve your partner to do instead of gaming? Reading? Carpentry? Watching Youtube videos? I agree that he should be spending more time with his partner and children, but I don't think there's anything wrong with gaming as long as it doesn't degrade the relationship.

Totally agree and have no issue at all with him gaming as i enjoy games occasionally myself but when my kid needs something, regardless of what's happening in the game, i pit the controller down and tend to them. For me its a past time and my kids are my life, for him i fear its the other way around.

*My ex had an affair with a colleague, he started off with mentioning her a lot, saying she had so much ‘banter’ and how she was more of a ‘lad’. This was to throw me off the scent, which admittedly worked as I assumed he was having an affair at work but I wasn’t too sure who with but I thought “oh it definitely can’t be so and so as they’re just friends with ‘banter’”.
*
This is exactly, like to the word, what he has described her like.

How have things been going? Any improvements, has he been any more engaged in making an effort with family time? Hope you're ok

@Lottiusprime

*My ex had an affair with a colleague, he started off with mentioning her a lot, saying she had so much ‘banter’ and how she was more of a ‘lad’. This was to throw me off the scent, which admittedly worked as I assumed he was having an affair at work but I wasn’t too sure who with but I thought “oh it definitely can’t be so and so as they’re just friends with ‘banter’”. * This is exactly, like to the word, what he has described her like.

Me too, but careful your sympathy with gaming doesn't stop you from putting your foot down. I did that for years because I was afraid of being unfair, mean, of taking something he loved away from him. Thing is, you do have a right to say something but because affecting you and your family life negatively. Honestly, I don't know why men like this have children. Their sole focus seems to be their computer, the sun of their universe around which everything must orbit, including their wives & children. Everything else is background wallpaper compared to

It's difficult because my views are shaped on my experience, so another woman could tell you the total opposite.

Posted before I finished writing -

Their sole focus seems to be their computer, the sun of their universe around which everything must orbit, including their wives & children. Everything else is background wallpaper compared to the number 1 love of their life.

It's difficult because my views are shaped on my experience, so another woman could tell you the total opposite, but my experience with men is that they generally don't make time for other females unless they're sexually attracted to them or think there might be a chance for at least some sex in future, maybe in the far future, if not a relationship if they're really invested in them. I think women find it a lot easier to think of male companions platonicaly, whereas men tend to develop feelings and other ideas a lot easier because they're more likely to associate intimacy with romantic relationships. There are exceptions to this, but this woman really doesn't sound like one of those exceptions. Unless she's a lesbian, I think she's acting foolishly. There's no way at that age I'd be associating so often, even online, with a man who has a wife and children. I'd be wary of it and even if I felt platonically about the whole thing, I wouldn't't want his wife to think I was something else or be involved in some kind of argument between them.

I think a decent guy would look at this situation and think 'She'll really attractive, but I'm not going to do anything outside of work with her because that might be sending the wrong message and it would be inappropriate'. If he was lonely, I think he would realise that it's best for him to make buddies his own age, not with 19 or 20 year old cool women.

I'm sorry, but I'm not sure if anything can really be done here. If he doesn't think your relationship is worth his time or respect, then I think you will have to emotionally withdraw from it yourself. I think you should try and put your foot down, for everyone's sake, but be prepared that he might not respond.

@Lottiusprime

*My ex had an affair with a colleague, he started off with mentioning her a lot, saying she had so much ‘banter’ and how she was more of a ‘lad’. This was to throw me off the scent, which admittedly worked as I assumed he was having an affair at work but I wasn’t too sure who with but I thought “oh it definitely can’t be so and so as they’re just friends with ‘banter’”. * This is exactly, like to the word, what he has described her like.

I think the 'banter' they talk about is just sexual chemistry or flirting in disguise. I used to have a colleague who said one of the things he looked for in a potential girlfriend was 'good banter'. It's a sexual spark, a similar sense of humour, a shared playfulness from someone who 'gets' them.

This is why I think a lot of men delay proposing/marriage unless they're 100% sure of the woman (in the back of their mind they're thinking whether a hot new woman will appear round the corner who they prefer to spend the rest of their lives with).

Your story illustrates the perils of having kids before you're legally committed to each other. Having kids naturally takes a toll on any relationship. If I guy wasn't sure enough about you to prioritise marriage and committing to you before kids, he sure as heck will be even less sure after sleepness nights, relationship becoming stale , drastic lack of couple time, and the inevitable focus moving away from yourselves as a couple, to the kids.

You're in a vulnerable position here because he can up and leave for Miss New And Fun, without any stigma of divorce and knowing he has got kids out of it who you will do the grunt work for.

I would focus on getting married as a priority, and prioritising your relationship so you spend more time together as a couple.

• a guy