I think my partner has a crush on a co-worker

[Lottiusprime]

I think my fiancé has a crush on his co-worker and I’m not too sure how to go about it?

My fiancé (29M) has recently started a new job (around three months ago), since starting all I hear about is this girl he works with let’s call her Molly.
My partner has said how much like me she is, a total ‘lad girl’, she plays games and has built her own PC the same as my partner has, she is pretty and slim and into loads of cool stuff. She’s 19 or 20 so quite young and without children obviously. Me on the other hand (27F) we’ve had two kids together (5+3) and I am a typical overworked stressed out mummy, I feel that my partner is developing a serious crush on this Molly girl and i’m starting to feel really insecure and threatened by her. She seems lovely and always says hello to me if i pop into his work for whatever reason but something inside me feels like he wants to spend time with her more than me. He spends the entire day with her at work then comes home and they message eachother about gaming and then play online together talking over the microphone whilst i sort the kids out and put them to bed, then sit upstairs on my own watching netflix in bed while he is downstairs playing.
Am i just being silly? I’ve brought it up before and made a joke about him running off with her because i do have to admit she’s cool as hell and I can see why he likes her, she’s basically me when i was younger and without kids.
We have been together nearly ten years now and he has always been honest and faithful and so have I but I just feel a little put out to be honest.
Does anyone else have a similar experience? And how did it play out? What did you do/say?
Thanks so much in advance xxx

OP,
You sound great.

He sounds like a "bear minimum dad"..doing the absolute least he can do.

Him not going on that walk is who he is as a father.
Your son sees him clearly.

You need to value yourself more.

he does come and say goodnight after i've sorted them out and they are all clean in pj's and in bed but he will finish the game first then come up as the game he plays can't be paused as it's multiplayer with real online teammates

Read that back to yourself and really ask yourself what that says about his priorities in life.

You sound like a lovely mum who enjoys her kids and is very competent as well as fun.

He sounds like a shit dad opting out of anything that requires effort on his part to develop a meaningful relationship with his own kids.

Seriously, he is a rubbish dad, regardless of the coworker issue.

It's worrying that you think sharing your concerns and insecurities with him would make you look like a 'psycho girlfriend' - you aren't 15 year olds, you're the mother of his children! And a bloody good one by the sound of it.

I despair that men get away with having this low a bar for their behaviour within a family unit and that in 2020 no matter what time of day it is or how many hours either partner has worked, the woman is so often the default parent just because they are a woman.

Just sit down and talk to each other

When I was young, we didn't have to pretend to be the 'cool girlfriend'. It didn't stop partners and husbands behaving badly, but we didn't have to pretend it wasn't inappropriate.

He's already gone. Perhaps let him know you've noticed.

“Having some time to himself (an hour or two at night) is not the same as spending every spare minute gaming online. He should have gone on that walk. He should have wanted to spend time together as a family.
Does he have any involvement in taking care of the children by himself or doing the housework without you having to tell him to do it?
You’re using the wrong words to describe yourself and sound like you have low confidence. You’re not a psycho girlfriend, you’re a frustrated partner. You’re not moaning at him, you’re trying to talk with him about you’re unhappy with the relationship dynamic.”

This with bells on. Especially how you’re describing yourself. You’re making yourself sound trivial.

@FlyingByTheSeatof

It's likely to be totally innocent which is why he's talking about her in front of you in the first place. He feels secure in your relationship

It's usually the opposite.

* It's likely to be totally innocent which is why he's talking about her in front of you in the first place. He feels secure in your relationship*

That’s just not true. If you regularly read Mumsnet you’d know that it’s pretty common for people to get mentionitis because they’re excited about the other new relationship. They repeatedly tell themselves and their partner that it’s just a friendship right up to the moment it crosses over into a romantic relationship.

And I’m afraid talking to him is also unlikely to change things. They might temporarily improve but they’ll always go back to you feeling more like his mother than his partner. Why would he change? He’s got it so easy. He gets to pretend to others that he’s a responsible family man taking care of his kids whilst their mother does all the hard work (and it sounds like you’re a great mum). He gets to do whatever he wants in his spare time including hours of online fun and flirting with another woman for an ego boost. He gets his meals made for him, his house cleaned for him etc. Why would he change?

I bet if the OP says anything to him he will twist the situation to make out he’s a victim and try to guilt her into shutting up and putting up with the status quo. I’ve been where you are OP and you deserve so much better.

What’s his parents relationship like because that’s his normal. Did his mum do everything for him growing up?

OP please read up on common narcissism traits and gas lighting in relationships.

@Lottiusprime

You seem to think that parenting is an awful chore

I do not think parenting is an awful chore, I love my children and I do my upmost to give them as much of a wholesome and loving childhood as I can, I build forts in the front room, I take them on bike rides and picnics and adventures in the forest, I built them a teepee and den in the garden and give them everything i possibly can, Ido shout sometimes and I get mad about silly things when i'm tired and sometimes I can't be arsed with their crap at bedtime but I don't think i'm any different to any other mum out there. We are all just doing our best aren't we?

OP I phrased it badly, my apologies. I meant that parenting is a chore that musnt be asked of HIM. You sound like you are an amazing mum.

Op, I was kinda where you are at. When I was married, I felt guilty for lots of things and for lots of reasons... he was the sole breadwinner, so I essentially let him run up debt. He was younger than me, so I felt guilty about chaining him down, so he went on loads of lads only holidays ( running up debt and ' hooking up' ). I didn't drive and felt guilty, so ignored it when he shamed me for it in front oa big group of people.

I'm just saying, trying to be the 'cool wife's will give him a giant pass to behave badly. It NOT cool ( of him) to take advantage of it- which he is absolutely doing.

But what message do you think is communicated to your children when he prefers to game?

@thefourgp

OP please read up on common narcissism traits and gas lighting in relationships.

Thanks, i've read what you suggested but none of this sounds like my partner really. It all seems a but extreme and my daily life definitely isn't how it is described. I appreciate it though x

Tbh I think the colleague is a red herring. If she was a man I don’t think it would raise any red flags, they may just be an innocent friendship and like the same things.

The key issue here is that he is neglecting his family. He’s not getting involved in time together, he’s not helping you, and he’s spending all his time gaming with a friend instead of engaging with his wife and kids.

Ignore the colleague entirely and focus on this issue. Sit him down and explain you feel like he is distant from the family. That he is spending all his time gaming and not coming out on walks with his kids. Ask him to be more involved- there is time for him to game once his kids are in bed. I would also make a date night once a week, to give yourselves more time together.

Has he told you he needs to game to help with his anxiety and OCD? No medical book in the world with tell you that’s a suitable treatment. If anything it increases anxiety. I think he’s done a complete number on you - he doesn’t help and you don’t want to ask him ask him because he’s got you trained to think that he’s special and needs time off after working all day, when you’ve been working with the kids all day, he doesn’t want to spend time with you and his kids, he’s quite happy leaving you to do all the work, and he thinks it’s entirely appropriate to spend every spare minute gaming with a hot 19 year old. He sounds awful. @LadyFoxtrot is right. You need to sit him down and lay this all out for him.

OP
I phrased it badly, my apologies.
I meant that parenting is a chore that musnt be asked of HIM.
You sound like you are an amazing mum.

No worries thanks for clarifying (:

We have had a chat tonight and he said he's gonna do more with the kids and help me more, I was quite blunt with him and said he can't use his anxiety as an excuse for everything and I think he took it on board.

we shall see what happens..

LadyFoxTrot - Thank you for this, out of all of the replies I think this was the least 'judgy' but i hear what you're saying.
We had a chat tonight so hopefully things will improve now we have spoken about it. I'm still not sure how I feel about the colleague thing but i'll move that aside for now and focus on him being a good dad. The kids definitely notice that he's less involved as my son (5) said the other day that daddy doesn't play with him very often and that he's always grumpy, so it's obviously being noticed.

Has he told you he needs to game to help with his anxiety and OCD? No medical book in the world with tell you that’s a suitable treatment. If anything it increases anxiety.

Well he said it helps to take his mind off of it when he's games. I mean we did go through a lot before and I made him get proper counselling and stuff which we are still on the waiting list for and he went to a group therapy session that went on for a few months and at the end they officially diagnosed him with OCD and Anxiety disorder so I know it's really there for him and he does struggle, I've also been v. very mentally ill in my past and know what it feels like so I guess i'm wary of making things worse by forcing him to do stuff.

He plays games all day on his day off. What a man child you have saddled yourself with there. When is he going to grow up and be an emotional and practical father to his children?

On the reason for the thread, he should not be messaging/playing with her on an evening.

Does he do anything else other than play computer games when he's not at work?

@Girlyracer

He plays games all day on his day off. What a man child you have saddled yourself with there. When is he going to grow up and be an emotional and practical father to his children?

On the reason for the thread, he should not be messaging/playing with her on an evening.

Does he do anything else other than play computer games when he's not at work?

There is nothing wrong with playing games. It's a way for people to chill out etc. But when it's being prioritised over children and a relationship; then there's an issue.

When I was younger and worked in an office I got on really well with my male and female co workers and presumed as we all had partners things were fine. One strange night though one of my male co workers came to my flat stating he fancied me and next thing I had his girlfriend calling me up etc. He basically just had a crush on me and must have somehow got crossed, mixed messages, as we did work together every day and we sometimes all went out in the evenings.

I think what I'm trying to say is that sometimes people take their partners for granted even if they do really love them because they get little crush on someone who brings out a different more relaxed side (purely because they are not in a relationship with each other so only see the best bits)

I tell you what I did once though when my DH pissed me off and took me to much for granted. I just buggered off for a couple of nights and stayed at a friends without telling him so he had to look after DS who was around 1 on his own. He improved a lot after that

Op I really think you need to change your perspective here, you are referring to him helping out and you potentially nagging.

He is not helping you out, he lives in the house and is the other partner. The two of you seem to be really underestimating what you contribute.

I would forget about this girl and tell him to shape up or ship out. If he is mourning his old life and when you were young and childless he doesn't get to reap the benefits of family life.

Whether you're furloughed or not is irrelevant. When he's home its the two of you sharing the household duties. How dare he sit downstairs gaming then ramble upstairs at his leisure to give a kiss after you've done all the work?

My god, you need to raise your standards and find your voice. Stop being the "cool girlfriend" and tell him to get on with being a dad and a partner.

Big deal, he works and does the dishes. He doesn't get a gold star and time off for that...that's the bare minimum.

As for the co-worker, I wouldn't be pleased with that either. Fair enough they get on, but to come home and spend more time gaming with her, and talking about her all of the time? Where's the respect there?

My husband would be out on his ear if he even considered behaving like this.

Raise your bar and stop being a doormat.

He prefers playing computer games to playing with his children? Eugh.

Honestly in this situation I think trust your gut instinct, he sounds very keen on her, he might not have acted on this but is enjoying the moment.

OP, I hope your Partner really ‘heard’ you and will now be proactive in sharing the parenting and being more present in family life. He has been creating distance between himself and you/the children with the minimal help, non-participation in family activities, grumpiness, and the constant focus on gaming and this OW. It sounds like your son has the measure of him.

As for the OW, I think it would be unwise for you to underreact. She is a factor in P’s detachment. He has mentionitis and thinks she’s the bee’s knees. She calls him perfect. They are spending all day and evening together. It appears that they are building a close connection while he is neglecting you. Sharing fun experiences + mutual ego-boosting + reliance can lead into EA territory. I would speak to him.

I think he is prioritizing gaming over his family. Yes he works but family life doesn’t consist of him gaming with another woman while you sort the kids out. You need a serious discussion about this as playing with her rather than playing with his family is just not the right balance. In allowing it to continue you are letting them strengthen a bond which might Be developing . Also, sorry to be blunt - you are spending your evenings entertaining yourself whilst he is entertaining another woman right under your nose!!

Put a stop to this now op as soon as a man starts talking about a women in work at home then you know he's got a crush on her . Crushes are a normal part of life mind but tell him he can talk to her as much as he wants at work but at home it ends . This will develop in wo an emotional affair before you know it

And also as for him working 40 hours a week that's just normal working hours . I'm in work 60 + and still have time for my fiancé , daughter house work , going out with them and having quality time together of a night time . He's doing this because your allowing him . He needs to grow up. Trust your gut op you are worried because you know something isn't right . Is she single ?