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Original poster

I think my partner has a crush on a co-worker

94 replies

Lottiusprime · 05/12/2020 20:41

I think my fiancé has a crush on his co-worker and I’m not too sure how to go about it?

My fiancé (29M) has recently started a new job (around three months ago), since starting all I hear about is this girl he works with let’s call her Molly.
My partner has said how much like me she is, a total ‘lad girl’, she plays games and has built her own PC the same as my partner has, she is pretty and slim and into loads of cool stuff. She’s 19 or 20 so quite young and without children obviously. Me on the other hand (27F) we’ve had two kids together (5+3) and I am a typical overworked stressed out mummy, I feel that my partner is developing a serious crush on this Molly girl and i’m starting to feel really insecure and threatened by her. She seems lovely and always says hello to me if i pop into his work for whatever reason but something inside me feels like he wants to spend time with her more than me. He spends the entire day with her at work then comes home and they message eachother about gaming and then play online together talking over the microphone whilst i sort the kids out and put them to bed, then sit upstairs on my own watching netflix in bed while he is downstairs playing.
Am i just being silly? I’ve brought it up before and made a joke about him running off with her because i do have to admit she’s cool as hell and I can see why he likes her, she’s basically me when i was younger and without kids.
We have been together nearly ten years now and he has always been honest and faithful and so have I but I just feel a little put out to be honest.
Does anyone else have a similar experience? And how did it play out? What did you do/say?
Thanks so much in advance xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Lottiusprime · 05/12/2020 21:13

@PonderingPeggy

I mean he does play with them sometimes but he definitely prefers playing his games.

He sounds more like a distant uncle than a father.

Lol
OP posts:
FuckThisBullshit · 05/12/2020 21:13

The gut tells you what your heart can't believe... listen to it Flowers

Original poster
Lottiusprime · 05/12/2020 21:14

@pinkdragons

Why is he playing games and messaging another person all evening. He should be helping put the kids to bed at least.

Can you ask him to spend time with you rather that playing his game and messaging his friend.

FWIW, he sounds like he might be in to her. Doesn't mean she would be interested in an approaching 30 dad of 2 with a soon to be wife. I know I wouldn't have been.

Yes maybe you're right, i will speak to him and see what he says. And agreed however he is very attractive and he told me recently that she had said he was "basically perfect except not enough tattoos"
OP posts:
TheCovidHalfStone · 05/12/2020 21:15

I’d be annoyed that we was more interested in his relationship with her than with his own kids. The fact that you may have issues is one thing, but bedtimes are precious quality time, not just a chore to divide between you. Don’t get me wrong bedtimes drive me crazy but I wouldn’t dream of not being part of them.

Original poster
Lottiusprime · 05/12/2020 21:16

@thefourgp

Having some time to himself (an hour or two at night) is not the same as spending every spare minute gaming online. He should have gone on that walk. He should have wanted to spend time together as a family. Does he have any involvement in taking care of the children by himself or doing the housework without you having to tell him to do it? You’re using the wrong words to describe yourself and sound like you have low confidence. You’re not a psycho girlfriend, you’re a frustrated partner. You’re not moaning at him, you’re trying to talk with him about you’re unhappy with the relationship dynamic.
Yes i was disappointed he didn't come on the walk as we had a lovely day and even my son said to him that he should have come with us. I do have low confidence but that's my own issues that i have always struggled with and nothing to do with him, he's very sparing on compliments but he never is horrible or says anything to make me doubt myself
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2020 21:18

OP, it’s not helping. Or shouldn’t be. You seem to think he’s doing you a favour by pitching in, in a minor way, by taking care of his children.

It’s meant to be a partnership. Do you feel like you’re in a team? Where both your efforts are appreciated? Do you feel he finds you attractive, wants to spend time with you, lightens your load, is as invested in your home life and your family as you are?

I don’t know what’s going on with this woman from work but the rest of it troubles me.

Original poster
Lottiusprime · 05/12/2020 21:19

@TheCovidHalfStone

I’d be annoyed that we was more interested in his relationship with her than with his own kids. The fact that you may have issues is one thing, but bedtimes are precious quality time, not just a chore to divide between you. Don’t get me wrong bedtimes drive me crazy but I wouldn’t dream of not being part of them.
Yeah i mean bedtimes are a nightmare with twice the amounts of "mummy, i need a wee", "mummy, I'm thirsty", "mummy, i had a bad dream even though i haven't fallen asleep yet" But i wouldn't give them up for the world, he does come and say goodnight after i've sorted them out and they are all clean in pj's and in bed but he will finish the game first then come up as the game he plays can't be paused as it's multiplayer with real online teammates
OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 05/12/2020 21:19

Psycho girlfriend? Get real OP.
It doesn't sound like he's bringing much to the table at all. Most adults work full time but they don't then come home and do FA with their families. Why are you enabling this shit?

Original poster
Lottiusprime · 05/12/2020 21:21

@IdblowJonSnow

Psycho girlfriend? Get real OP. It doesn't sound like he's bringing much to the table at all. Most adults work full time but they don't then come home and do FA with their families. Why are you enabling this shit?
I mean reading back through all of my replies i can totally see how i'm making excises for him
OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 05/12/2020 21:23

And agreed however he is very attractive and he told me recently that she had said he was "basically perfect except not enough tattoos"

He told you that? He's acting like a young lad telling his mummy of his latest crush.

TwentyViginti · 05/12/2020 21:26

Yes you are making excuses for his lack of actual parenting. Says goodnight when you've done all the grunt work as long as his game isn't interrupted ffs.

Original poster
Lottiusprime · 05/12/2020 21:27

@TwentyViginti

And agreed however he is very attractive and he told me recently that she had said he was "basically perfect except not enough tattoos"

He told you that? He's acting like a young lad telling his mummy of his latest crush.

Yeah i guess, i'm reading this all back through and kind of realising how much i am enabling this crap. We shall see if he starts talking about getting more tattoos if he's really interested..
OP posts:
Opentooffers · 05/12/2020 21:28

Geez, I could never have dated a gamer, how dull, and how immature as a father of 2 who should be taking that seriously. Do not let him off the hook so much, just because you are furloughed, he will get in the habit of doing nothing, and it looks like he already has. When you eventually go back to work, you will find that he won't step up and start doing stuff. I'm sure everyone who works for a living gives the impression that they work hard, but when you go back to it, I bet you will be working every bit as hard as him, plus doing home and family - funny how millions of women end up doing both, whilst men get absolved of their duties just because they work all day, well, that's just tough, because if you have DC, you have to do both as a Mum & Dad, because that's the way it goes and that is sharing the life you created.

Somethingkindaoooo · 05/12/2020 21:29

OP
You are walking a very dangerous path.

You seem to think that parenting is an awful chore, and if you ask him to pull his weight then you'll be a nagging wife ( heaven forbid!!!)

There comes a time when ' being cool' IS looking after your children, investing in your relationship, essentially being a grown up. He is being a child, but then so are you because you are not discussing it.

YOU are worth investing in. Your children are worth taking care of ( by him) - not because they are a terrible chore, but because looking after children's needs is how you build a relationship with them.

Op, one day you will wake up, and he'll have drifted so far away you can't find your way back to each other. Or you'll be so full of resentment that the rot will set in

Christmasfairy2020 · 05/12/2020 21:36

Yes I had this. Husband used to work with this lass same age as me she was fat he said. Minute she lost weight all he did was talk a bout herAngry

She moved jobs and it stopped - he gave me no reason to doubt him though.

If u spend no time together how is the sex good? Does he just come to bed for that. He should at least make an effort

Original poster
Lottiusprime · 05/12/2020 21:42

@Christmasfairy2020

Yes I had this. Husband used to work with this lass same age as me she was fat he said. Minute she lost weight all he did was talk a bout herAngry

She moved jobs and it stopped - he gave me no reason to doubt him though.

If u spend no time together how is the sex good? Does he just come to bed for that. He should at least make an effort

I mean having two kids kind of takes the romantic evenings spending loads of time together and then making love, now a days it's more of a quick one either in the dead of night while kids are sleeping or in the morning when they are at school and he has a late starting shift, regardless the sex is good.
OP posts:
Original poster
Lottiusprime · 05/12/2020 21:48

You seem to think that parenting is an awful chore

I do not think parenting is an awful chore, I love my children and I do my upmost to give them as much of a wholesome and loving childhood as I can, I build forts in the front room, I take them on bike rides and picnics and adventures in the forest, I built them a teepee and den in the garden and give them everything i possibly can, Ido shout sometimes and I get mad about silly things when i'm tired and sometimes I can't be arsed with their crap at bedtime but I don't think i'm any different to any other mum out there. We are all just doing our best aren't we?

OP posts:
ScrapThatThen · 05/12/2020 21:59

You're doing your best (sound like a great mum). He is opting out and it's not healthy for either of you in the long term. I also don't think you have to be cool with him hanging out with a woman he finds attractive when he could be with you. You're worried about rocking the boat. Is that because his anxiety makes it difficult for you to place normal adult demands on him?

Writerandreader · 05/12/2020 22:00

Gosh op he sounds like he does no parenting at all.

Why doesn't he want to come on a family outing in the woods? I can't imagine my husband staying home and gaming while I take the kids on a day out.

Parents don't get much t down time that's the reality. Neither parent tends to get much of a break from work and kids when they are young.

It sounds deeply unattactive and sad how checked out he is of being a father.

I think you aren't seeing the woods for the trees here. Is there a reason you don't want him to spend more time with his own kids?

Writerandreader · 05/12/2020 22:01

I think you sound like an amazing mum but that makes it stranger that you don't think he needs to get involved. He is living the life of a young unattached man.

ScrapThatThen · 05/12/2020 22:02

I would look to the long term and have a chat together about how you grow towards each other and not apart from each other. Talk about how you are both finding parenting, furlough, work. What you would like to achieve. What your future plans are. How you want to be as a couple. How you want to spend time as a family. What is a fair way to share the load.

wishfuldreamer · 05/12/2020 22:04

Sounds like the crush on the colleague, or not, is a red herring. He could be doing this with a male friend and it would still be being a shit dad and partner.

My partner loves video games. He plays one regular day with his mates. This evening is ‘his’ time and I don’t ask him to change it unless it’s important - I think of it like a regular class or something. But if it was every spare minute, I really wouldn’t be super happy - and we don’t have children!!

Skyla2005 · 05/12/2020 22:59

Him being on Xbox and you upstairs at night won’t be healthy for your marriage. You need to talk to him and make a plan so you do something together In the evening otherwise you drift apart and people get feelings for others.

Aerial2020 · 05/12/2020 23:09

@TwentyViginti

Your fiance is not 19. He is 29 year old father of two with a live in fiance. Time to remind him of that. Get him to put his kids to bed and get off the sodding microphone.
This. 100%
FlyingByTheSeatof · 05/12/2020 23:17

It's likely to be totally innocent which is why he's talking about her in front of you in the first place. He feels secure in your relationship