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Original poster

How do you know you fancy someone?

102 replies

howdoyouknow123 · 02/12/2020 23:22

I've name changed as it's outing. This sounds like a ridiculous question, but I've read a lot about people not liking their partners at first and then falling madly in love: or their partner liked them more and it worked out.

So anyways; I've been dating a lovely man for 5 months; due to lockdown and illness we've only been on 5 dates. We chat most days but he respects my space when I ask for it and vice versa. He's very kind and thoughtful and honest. All of which I'm not used to.

My last relationship involved love bombing, gaslighting and EA. So I'm really trying to get to grips with what seems like a relatively normal start to a relationship. Anyways due to COVID we've only ever shared a few brief kisses (he's too shy to snog in public) So my question is, how do I know if I fancy him, without all the physical stuff and love bombing? Is this how normal relationships start? I don't have any inclination to rip his clothes off when I see him, but he makes me laugh and I really enjoy his company. I really really don't want to lead him up the garden path though as he's definitely a wonderful person. I'm just scared I might not fancy him as much as he likes me.

OP posts:
Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 02/12/2020 23:23

Basically should I see what happens or end it sooner rather than later if I don't fancy fancy him?

OP posts:
Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 02/12/2020 23:23

I feel awful writing that 😟

OP posts:
JessieR2386 · 02/12/2020 23:53

Well my relationship started with my husband very similarly to yours... And that was 28 years ago and we are still together...... I would keep this one going till things get back to normal and see how it is then.

I think taking it slow is the definite way to go after your past experiences. I think you should try to enjoy it and not worry.... you aren't taking advantage by taking your time, you are allowed to take your time.

You don't owe anyone a relationship and can end it at any time for any reason.

Doddlebug2000 · 02/12/2020 23:54

Id say the clothes ripping feeling is a must especially in such a new relationship.
Tmi but I also get a fanny flutter from kissing someone I really fancy!!

trunumber · 03/12/2020 00:10

When asked similar a friend said "do you think of him when you wank and if you did could you still climax" .. seems a reasonably could indicator to me.

Srslydontgiveacrap · 03/12/2020 08:46

It's tricky because dating is so bloody difficult at the moment. Going for walks with someone is hardly a hot date. Do not feel guilty about giving it time, you are not leading him up the garden path.

Sexual attraction and chemistry can develop. Next time you meet, try and tune into the feeling in your gut when you see him. How do you feel when you first see him?

ALLIS0N · 03/12/2020 08:51

These are not normal times so you can’t really compare.

You like him and he treats you well. You have only been on 5 dates so it’s very early days. Just see what happens.

Is he pushing you for some kind of commitment or is this all in your head ?

Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 03/12/2020 09:12

@ALLIS0N you're right. he's pushed for nothing! It's all in my head Blush he's been super respectful and patient, I would just like a bit more physical to see if it's a proper attraction: a quick peck isn't enough for me. At the same time I'm scared to go any further as it's been years since I've been intimate with anyone. Last romance was horrific so taken time out to heal. So I'm not sure if I've properly healed yet as I find myself so unsure.

OP posts:
goldenharvest · 03/12/2020 10:05

If you've talked to him about your previous relationship perhaps he is taking it super slow to give you time to lose any feelings of anxiety around a relationship? If so he's definitely someone to keep.

Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 03/12/2020 10:12

@JessieR2386

Well my relationship started with my husband very similarly to yours... And that was 28 years ago and we are still together...... I would keep this one going till things get back to normal and see how it is then.

I think taking it slow is the definite way to go after your past experiences. I think you should try to enjoy it and not worry.... you aren't taking advantage by taking your time, you are allowed to take your time.

You don't owe anyone a relationship and can end it at any time for any reason.

This is super sweet! I feel a lot better after reading that. I don't want to do wrong by him.
OP posts:
Newgirls · 03/12/2020 10:15

Boozy nights out, nights away, going to gigs, seeing each other with friends and how they like him etc all add to attractiveness and lowering of barriers. Going for walks etc is like being in a Jane Austen novel so it will take time. Quite nice in some ways. No rush op - he sounds great.

PigsInHeaven · 03/12/2020 10:18

I think I’d worry from what you say that he’s not a particularly sexual person?

ALLIS0N · 03/12/2020 10:25

It’s totally natural to be unsure of how you feel after what you’ve been through. You sound like a cautious person, rather than an impulsive one - and that’s ok, it’s who you are.

If you posted here saying you were sure you wanted to marry him and have his babies after 5 dates, we would all be telling your it was just lust / limmerance and to take your time .

Taking it slowly sounds like it’s working for both of you. You are over thinking it.

I know the physical intimacy thing is hard during Covid - it’s the same for all couples won’t don’t live together and can’t bubble. No easy answers I’m afraid.

Namechangednorth · 03/12/2020 10:37

You need all the usual stuff like he is respectful and considerate but in reality you need what another poster said about having "fanny flutter".

For me, when I first met my DH, we dated, I thought he was attractive but he gave me a long wonderful kiss...and what I realised was I was feeling somewhat "ready" below and I wanted him to rip my clothes off!

crochetmonkey74 · 03/12/2020 11:07

DP and I had a long slow burn as friends but at a certain point it did turn physical for me- I started noticing him physically and imagining all sorts of things we could be doing- take your time and spend more time with him when we get back to normal and wait to see if this happens for you

Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 03/12/2020 11:52

@Namechangednorth

You need all the usual stuff like he is respectful and considerate but in reality you need what another poster said about having "fanny flutter".

For me, when I first met my DH, we dated, I thought he was attractive but he gave me a long wonderful kiss...and what I realised was I was feeling somewhat "ready" below and I wanted him to rip my clothes off!

This is the thing, still waiting for a long passionate kiss. He's not comfortable doing it on walks which I get as we're not teenagers but part of me wants to be a teenager with him and have a good snog by a tree 😂
OP posts:
Namechangednorth · 03/12/2020 11:59

@howdoyouknow123
Why not take the initiative on a walk in a quiet place and snog him if it feels right and whisper you wish you were both at home...wee how he reacts

Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 05/12/2020 18:54

Ok the restrictions have lifted somewhat where we live and we spent the whole day together and had a lovely meal.

I just got a 2 second kiss at the end of the day! He actually folded his arms when he kissed me Confused

We get on really well, I'm just not sure he's a very sexual person I would have liked him to do more. This is over 5 months of texting and 5/6 dates. I can't remember how much now.

OP posts:
sofiaaaaaa · 05/12/2020 18:59

You just know, you get excited to see them, you generally feel a bit more excited about life, you start taking care of yourself a bit more, your confidence is higher etc.

Ohalrightthen · 05/12/2020 19:01

@Doddlebug2000

Id say the clothes ripping feeling is a must especially in such a new relationship. Tmi but I also get a fanny flutter from kissing someone I really fancy!!
I was desperately trying to think of a decorous way to phrase this exact same thing. Thanks doodle.
sofiaaaaaa · 05/12/2020 19:02

Taking it slow isn’t a bad thing but I do think you need to have sexual chemistry and be on the same wavelength. Just a peck is a bit odd after 5 months, he should have wanted a bit more just as you did.

RosesAndHellebores · 05/12/2020 19:11

High passion sounds absent op. However at your stage in life do you need high passion?

I met DH more than 30 years ago. We were both with others. The meeting was utterly electric. I even recall "I shall marry you" entering my head. I was having a "fling"; he was 5 years in. His 5 years in ended two weeks later.

The rest is history. We have been married for nearly 30 years. We were never apart from our 2nd date. But if anything ever happened to him, I would want companionship.

category12 · 05/12/2020 19:15

Quite off-putting that he folded his arms as a sort of barrier between you while kissing.

Perhaps this isn't the right fish, OP.

Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 05/12/2020 19:56

God bless him, I forgot my house keys in his car today and he just offered to drive 45 minutes to give them to me!

He has a lovely sweet heart but either through nerves or something else we don't seem to be getting further than quick peeks. And to be honest, it's been 3 years since I've had a proper kiss or anything else so I'm nervous too. We get on really well, he's lovely and chatty and accommodating and treats me like a lady (which I've never had before) but passion is missing the mark. I do want him to kiss me more.

Maybe alcohol is the answer?

OP posts:
havecourage8bekind · 05/12/2020 19:59

Say yes to bringing you the keys....and snog his face off after saying thank you!! Xx

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