How do you know you fancy someone?

[howdoyouknow123]

I've name changed as it's outing. This sounds like a ridiculous question, but I've read a lot about people not liking their partners at first and then falling madly in love: or their partner liked them more and it worked out.

So anyways; I've been dating a lovely man for 5 months; due to lockdown and illness we've only been on 5 dates. We chat most days but he respects my space when I ask for it and vice versa. He's very kind and thoughtful and honest. All of which I'm not used to.

My last relationship involved love bombing, gaslighting and EA. So I'm really trying to get to grips with what seems like a relatively normal start to a relationship. Anyways due to COVID we've only ever shared a few brief kisses (he's too shy to snog in public) So my question is, how do I know if I fancy him, without all the physical stuff and love bombing? Is this how normal relationships start? I don't have any inclination to rip his clothes off when I see him, but he makes me laugh and I really enjoy his company. I really really don't want to lead him up the garden path though as he's definitely a wonderful person. I'm just scared I might not fancy him as much as he likes me.

Aw sounds like a damp squib. I think you deserve someone happier and more emotionally available. Life is too short to wait for a man to sort himself out.

How do I end it nicely then? I'm conscious that it's day before Xmas

"Thanks for sharing that with me, I can imagine that must have been hard. I hope it's something you can work towards healing, in the future, counselling is a fantastic resource. I enjoyed the banter while it lasted. All the best for the future"

Crap I suck at this.

Hmm... it's fine to just say what you've said! Those kinds of messages are never great! Maybe just be honest - it's clear you're not on the same page and much as you've had fun hanging out with him, you don't see it going anywhere. I wouldn't mention counseling or healing - that's all up to him to think about. Make your message about you, not him, and make it as clear and direct as possible so there's no confusion or quibbling over where you stand.

@queenofknives I just messaged him and said I've been scared too and I'm not ready to take things further. I think there's probably two of us who are emotionally unavailable. This bloody sucks 😕

He just wrote "if it wasn't for my fear, I'd try and convince you different"
That's totally passing the buck. I'm so upset I totally put myself on the line and it's been thrown back in my face.

Ah no, so sorry it didn't work out. He just sounds like a wimp. You want to be with someone who's enthusiastic about you and vice versa - he's just not the right one.

"It's me, it's not you"

@queenofknives

Ah no, so sorry it didn't work out. He just sounds like a wimp. You want to be with someone who's enthusiastic about you and vice versa - he's just not the right one.

Yeah it's a pity. He's a nice person.

I want to have sex with them.

Well at least you know where he's at now. Not the right place and time even if he is a nice guy.

Christ on a bike, I miss chatting to him everyday. Any tips on how to stop checking my phone 5 million times a day to see if he's text?

I have deleted his phone number. Wasn't expecting to miss him this much or be so sad.

I bet he's probably feeling the same after talking to you for so long. I'm dreading ever getting back into dating for these reasons! Happy new year lovely x

Because you hope so much they may ring or text you that you take your phone to the shower with you... and stick your hand out and dry it to check it if it beeps 😊

Hi. One date a month is much too slow, OP. Especially at the start. It'll be hard to ascertain how you feel based on that, as it's not exactly getting off to a fighting start!
I mean this gently, but are you sure you're ready?

Oops, sorry, have just read the full thread 😬 Hope you're ok.

Brave to delete his number howdoyouknow123

Could you retrieve it from previous phone invoices and send a quick Happy New Year message?

I had deleted his number but I had a few drinks last night and was feeling wistful (binge watching bridgerton did not help) and text him saying "thanks for putting up with me the past few months and that his support meant a lot to me" and then for some in explicable reason I wrote "I hope you meet someone nice in 2021 x" WTF is wrong with me.

He text back pretty much straight away and said "that makes me happy that I could/or did help and I was glad to do it because you definitely deserved it. I hope that 2021 and beyond gets better and better for you" and then he said...."meeting nice people isn't the hard part of me, keeping them is 😔 I hope our paths cross again sometime" and then he asked me about my new WhatsApp picture was it from our day at the beach (which is wasn't) and it was just kind brief chit chat and stopped.

I've no idea what that means, I've read it a million times over today. It's driving me mental. Should I forget him now? He's kinda wished me luck for the rest of my life, but he's also keeping things open to meet up?

He did offer to give me my keys before Xmas and I declined as I was too disappointed in him. Arghhhh I didn't think I would be this girl, at the ripe old age of 36, which 3 kids, pinning for a boy to text me.

@havecourage8bekind I'm normally not this kind of girl. Maybe it's the loneliness of lockdown! I'm not sure. I did really think the world of him, he was very kind to me when I was sick.

@LionelMessy I did! I just posted about it below

I just reread my OP and it now seems I like him because he doesn't want me! Typical 🥴

How did this pan out?

I've no idea what that means, I've read it a million times over today. It's driving me mental. Should I forget him now? He's kinda wished me luck for the rest of my life, but he's also keeping things open to meet up

Do you know about attachment styles, @howdoyouknow123?

@Eckhart attachment styles I don't really know anything about it.

I definitely think there's something wrong with me.

I've never had a successful relationship and I've always attracted people who don't want me. How is that even possible I don't know. It's like the minute they know I care; they disregard me.

And I look at all my friends (late 30s) and they all have their lives sorted and have stable relationships.

Er, yeah.

I definitely think there's something wrong with me

This is the classic symptom of the anxious attachment style. There are 3 (they subdivide a bit, but basically...), anxious, avoidant, and secure. You looked to me like an anxious type, and then by saying that, I'm almost certain. Do you get really worried when you have a fall out with a partner? Like, spend all day thinking about it, and nothing else? Desperate to just get it sorted out?

@Eckhart yeah I really don't like arguing with any partner but I'm actively working on setting boundaries and saying no more.

But having said that. I did tell this man I was dating, that I had no real interest in dating and he persuaded me otherwise.
And then when I started to like him and want him to kiss me he backed off. So I let him too it. I didn't text him first, he mostly text me first thing. And if I got nothing then I sent nothing to him. I've been quiet busy so didn't need someone else's attention to sustain me.
And I'm also really scared of liking someone so his lack of taking things to the next stage didn't bother me: I still feel used by him though. And I'm hurt.

Do you've any suggestions on how to change? I'm not going to date for a long time as I need to fix what's wrong with me, but the thought of being on my own for the next 30/40 years while it makes me sad, I'm kinda half resigned to it now.