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Original poster

How do you know you fancy someone?

102 replies

howdoyouknow123 · 02/12/2020 23:22

I've name changed as it's outing. This sounds like a ridiculous question, but I've read a lot about people not liking their partners at first and then falling madly in love: or their partner liked them more and it worked out.

So anyways; I've been dating a lovely man for 5 months; due to lockdown and illness we've only been on 5 dates. We chat most days but he respects my space when I ask for it and vice versa. He's very kind and thoughtful and honest. All of which I'm not used to.

My last relationship involved love bombing, gaslighting and EA. So I'm really trying to get to grips with what seems like a relatively normal start to a relationship. Anyways due to COVID we've only ever shared a few brief kisses (he's too shy to snog in public) So my question is, how do I know if I fancy him, without all the physical stuff and love bombing? Is this how normal relationships start? I don't have any inclination to rip his clothes off when I see him, but he makes me laugh and I really enjoy his company. I really really don't want to lead him up the garden path though as he's definitely a wonderful person. I'm just scared I might not fancy him as much as he likes me.

OP posts:
Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 05/12/2020 20:00

@category12

Quite off-putting that he folded his arms as a sort of barrier between you while kissing.

Perhaps this isn't the right fish, OP.

Yes I thought so too, it was super weird. I lent over to kiss him goodbye in the car and he reciprocated but for like 2 seconds (first time getting tongue) and folded his arms in front of him.

I feel like a teenager but I just want someone to bloody grab me and give me a long passionate kiss. The one where you get tingles all over and don't want it to end. Am I asking too much?

OP posts:
Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 05/12/2020 20:05

@sofiaaaaaa

You just know, you get excited to see them, you generally feel a bit more excited about life, you start taking care of yourself a bit more, your confidence is higher etc.
I was excited to see him and I enjoyed his company but there seems to be a wide chasm of intamincy brewing.
OP posts:
Amotherlife · 05/12/2020 20:12

I've never done 'dating'. Its a long time ago since I was single. Back then I met men at parties, in bars or clubs. Often had the chance to hang out with them before starting to 'go out'. So I would pick up on whether there was chemistry beforehand.

I imagine it's very different and quite pressurised to only meet on dates. Maybe the situation is awkward? (Standing by a car?) Maybe he has also picked up on you feeling wary? I guess you'll only find put of you keep meeting. Look for an opportunity to test him out - grab a hand or whatever. Yes alcohol could help!!!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 05/12/2020 20:17

I’m not sure what the rules are where you live- can he come into your house? If he’s shy about kissing in public, can you get him inside for a smog on the sofa?😄

If not, you’re going to have to wait until you can...and see if the sparks fly. There needs to be some sexual passionnifvthecrelationship’s going to move forward, but I can see how the pandemic has slowed things down.

sofiaaaaaa · 05/12/2020 20:28

Is he quite flirty on the phone or via text or is he still shy/not interested in intimacy?

I agree that it might be worth testing the situation in a private environment, but at the same time if he was interested/attracted etc and wanted to rip your clothes off, you would already know!

Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 05/12/2020 20:45

I think I need to do it in a private setting, it's so awkward kissing in public. It won't be tonight as I've to work but maybe the next wknd I'm free.

I'm really worried it will be anticlimactic when it happens Confused

Should I ask him about it? Or is it making it an issue when it shouldn't be? I think we are both reticent to an extent but I've been focal in him wanting to kiss me more.

He try's to flirt, his idea of this might be a nudge as we walk Smile or to make me laugh, I like the laughing. We have great banter.

I'm not sure if this is going to end up in the friend zone

OP posts:
queenofknives · 05/12/2020 20:58

I'd see his not wanting to kiss you as a bit of a red flag. If he is showing interest in other ways, it's very confusing that he doesn't want to kiss you/doesn't make you feel desired. I think you need to feel that from him. It's weird that he won't kiss you in public, you'd think it would be quite romantic. Maybe he just isn't really that into it or maybe he is playing some kind of head game, or maybe he's gay or married... I think you should ask him what's the deal? You could say you get the feeling he's not romantically inclined and ask if that's the case. His answer will either straightforwardly explain it or leave you more confused. If the latter, take it as a warning and run! Good luck OP, whatever you decide.

sofiaaaaaa · 05/12/2020 20:58

Text him something like I enjoyed the kiss earlier and see what he says back

Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 05/12/2020 21:27

Ok update think I'm getting the keys tomorrow, I'm going to try a proper snog.

He did mention before he had commitment issues. The last serious girlfriend he had 5 years ago, they split as he couldn't commit because of what happened his parents. His parents death was very very tragic, and I could totally see how he might be scared to really care or commit to someone in case he loses them too. But I may also be looking into that far too much.

He has been with any girl in 2 + years, I haven't been with anyone in longer. Could be nerves on both our parts and COVID.

I'm only 36; I thought I'd a few more years of passion in me

OP posts:
queenofknives · 05/12/2020 21:51

Hmmm OP I'm not convinced about the reason he split up with his ex... maybe I am too cynical but the situation is setting off little alarm bells. Could just be weirdness with covid dating etc but does strike me as a little strange that he isn't the one planning how to make a move on you! Maybe he is and come tomorrow your two plans will merge into an amazing kiss! I hope so. But please don't settle for someone lukewarm and confusing. If you don't feel straightforward attraction on both sides then move on. Good luck!

havecourage8bekind · 05/12/2020 22:07

Fingers crossed for a passionate kiss tomorrow!

sofiaaaaaa · 05/12/2020 22:17

But there’s a difference between a full blown relationship living together, marriage, kids etc and sex. If he was into you, commitment issues shouldn’t prevent him from showing you he finds you attractive

Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 05/12/2020 22:46

He's made an effort every single time we met, brought me a little present first date, brought me treats on another date, took me for dinner today and drove me around. He's dropping my keys tomorrow. I think he might just show he cares in a different way to how I expect. I'm going to try again tomorrow and if it's weird (more folding the arms and being reticent) then I'll just say the physical side is falling short for me. And maybe ask him how we can move forward? I definitely think we both might need a drink as there's a lot of nerves in each side.

And no need for alarm bells, he's a genuinely nice and kind person inside and out. I had no stamp to post a letter last week and he offered to drive out and give me one. 45 min trip each way. I've never had anyone be that nice to me.

OP posts:
category12 · 05/12/2020 22:50

That's a bit of a bizarrely OTT gesture tho, isn't it? "I'll drive over an hour and a half to give you a stamp"? Presumably you didn't have him live up to his offer.

User6655645 · 05/12/2020 22:56

I think men can be a lot more nervous about this type of thing than women. He sounds very keen in lots of ways, I hope it works out with some passion soon!

Opentooffers · 05/12/2020 23:22

Give it a go tomorrow, what can he do, pull away? If he does cut it short again I'd say he's lacking somewhat in vigour, bit of a damp squib, in which case he can expect to be friendzoned and risks you losing interest. I've got more than 10 years on you but still need some passion in life, PDA's are fine by me too.

BuggersMuddle · 05/12/2020 23:56

You’re 36?!? I thought you were going to say you were both significantly older. DH and I still might snog outdoors (I mean, not in the middle of Asda, but on a quiet walk, why not?) and I’m older than you + we’ve been together forever. It’s possible he’s just shy, but also that he’s not all that passionate.

If passion is important I’d walk: yes passion fades, but if the starting point is lukewarm it’s unlikely to improve IMO.

Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 06/12/2020 08:43

@category12

That's a bit of a bizarrely OTT gesture tho, isn't it? "I'll drive over an hour and a half to give you a stamp"? Presumably you didn't have him live up to his offer.
@category12 I didn't no! But I thought it was a it's a lovely gesture.

He often helps his friends a lot so I just think it's in his nature.

OP posts:
Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 06/12/2020 08:45

@BuggersMuddle

You’re 36?!? I thought you were going to say you were both significantly older. DH and I still might snog outdoors (I mean, not in the middle of Asda, but on a quiet walk, why not?) and I’m older than you + we’ve been together forever. It’s possible he’s just shy, but also that he’s not all that passionate.

If passion is important I’d walk: yes passion fades, but if the starting point is lukewarm it’s unlikely to improve IMO.

@BuggersMuddle this is where I'm struggling, last relationship had a lot of love bombing and passion was throw the roof.

So I thought maybe slow and steady with this one might be a more normal start to a relationship, but then the other part of me thinks, if he really liked me he'd kiss me anywhere 😩

OP posts:
waterandtea · 06/12/2020 09:42

I'm in a similar position OP although it's only been 3 dates for us. On our last date we did have a 'snog' on a walk, he was quite enthusiastic but I just don't think I was feeling it really even though I initiated it (that's another thing I'm not keen on - I want him to initiate).

My last relationship was v passionate and was lust at first sight. He cheated on me though and so I keep telling myself that maybe a 'slow burn' with a nice decent man is a better option. The chap I'm dating seems very nice, genuine and thoughtful, gives me plenty of space, makes nice gestures etc and I feel bad that I'm not really sure, I keep thinking I shouldn't compare with my last relationship and should give it time.

But then this week I exchanged a few emails with a contact through work who I had a bit of a crush on when I met him last year (he's married so not an option) but I noticed I was laughing and smiling when emailing him and excited to get his emails (even though they were just work related) - and realised that sort of excitement is missing with the chap I'm dating. Like you I'm in my 30s and feel too young not to have that passion/excitement in a relationship so I think I'm going to have to tell the chap I'm dating that it's over.

It's very hard with lockdown and limited opportunities to know how you feel about someone.

Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 06/12/2020 16:34

Date didn't happen today for multiple reasons as we couldn't get our times right.

I'm missing the excitement and butterflies but having said that I do really enjoy his company. He's very intelligent and funny. Will have to see can I get a proper kiss soon, otherwise my interest might wain.

@waterandtea I was similar to you, I'd an interaction with someone completely random recently and it gave me a little flutter. And then it made me think if there's a flutter from someone else does this mean it's wrong with the current person.

OP posts:
havecourage8bekind · 06/12/2020 17:24

Have you ever spoken about anything sexual over text etc? Or is he just showing no passion even in texts?? Xx

Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 06/12/2020 18:29

@havecourage8bekind yeah we have, it's got super sexual at times but I've pulled back from that as it wasn't happening in real life. He hasn't pushed it either. So I'm at a loss.

I'm wondering if he has the same doubts I'm having.

OP posts:
queenofknives · 12/12/2020 18:31

Any updates OP?

Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 15/12/2020 21:55

I haven't seen him since that date. I was finishing uni so he gave me some space to focus and I thought he'd gone off me. And I did feel a little glum at the thought that maybe he didn't like me any more: however I'm always pragmatic about these things.

Once I finished uni, he was back to texting like normal which is nice. No flirting though.

Hoping to get my keys off him this wknd and try kiss him again.

I have the kids this wknd though so not 100% free it will happen.

I still have no idea if I fancy, fancy him.

I really don't know, technically without all the physical stuff we are just friends I guess.

OP posts:
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