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Original poster

How do you know you fancy someone?

102 replies

howdoyouknow123 · 02/12/2020 23:22

I've name changed as it's outing. This sounds like a ridiculous question, but I've read a lot about people not liking their partners at first and then falling madly in love: or their partner liked them more and it worked out.

So anyways; I've been dating a lovely man for 5 months; due to lockdown and illness we've only been on 5 dates. We chat most days but he respects my space when I ask for it and vice versa. He's very kind and thoughtful and honest. All of which I'm not used to.

My last relationship involved love bombing, gaslighting and EA. So I'm really trying to get to grips with what seems like a relatively normal start to a relationship. Anyways due to COVID we've only ever shared a few brief kisses (he's too shy to snog in public) So my question is, how do I know if I fancy him, without all the physical stuff and love bombing? Is this how normal relationships start? I don't have any inclination to rip his clothes off when I see him, but he makes me laugh and I really enjoy his company. I really really don't want to lead him up the garden path though as he's definitely a wonderful person. I'm just scared I might not fancy him as much as he likes me.

OP posts:
Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 15/12/2020 21:55

@queenofknives sorry meant to tag you! Thank you for checking in on my less that passionate love life 😂😂

OP posts:
Gloriainexcelcis · 15/12/2020 21:58

@RosesAndHellebores

High passion sounds absent op. However at your stage in life do you need high passion?

I met DH more than 30 years ago. We were both with others. The meeting was utterly electric. I even recall "I shall marry you" entering my head. I was having a "fling"; he was 5 years in. His 5 years in ended two weeks later.

The rest is history. We have been married for nearly 30 years. We were never apart from our 2nd date. But if anything ever happened to him, I would want companionship.

So you wrecked two relationships in the process.
youkiddingme · 15/12/2020 22:16

I don't know if this will help but my first really serious fella was a bloody sex god. And he knew it. And he knew how to keep me dangling. And I was hungry for him. All the time. And pretty pleased to have bagged the fella that had all my female friends green-eyed and incredulous. Of course he treated me terribly.
Then I met a man who was quiet. Average looks. (I'm no oil painting either). Not all that confident. Very thoughtful, kind, patient, supportive. I literally never felt like ripping his clothes off. But, the sex with him is actually tremendous. Everything he does in life is a slow burn - it's who he is , but as far as the sex goes, it goes to somewhere amazing. The passion is there, but it's of the slow burning, hidden depths variety.
There have been times when I've craved a bit more excitement I'll be honest, something a bit more of a challenge. But I recognise this as something in me that is not actually who I really want to be. It's behaviour that's actually a bit self-destructive. My dad was an unavailable dad... you get the picture. And actually channelling those energies into challenging myself constructively, with my quiet man by my side is much more rewarding. For me. It may not be for you. But the relationship with him is a reflection of the relation with yourself, so only you can work that out.
I've been with him 38 years and can't imagine being with anyone else. But the bottom line is - what does the real you want. Maybe exploring this with a different kind of man, since you've been in a relationship where you were gas-lit and are unsure what you want would help you work it out. As long as you don't mislead him and treat him with kindness and respect.

Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 15/12/2020 22:32

@youkiddingme 38 years and your comment is so filled with love. It's really beautiful how you describe your partner.

I do think he could be a slow burn; he's incredibly supportive, has my back, patient, kind etc which is why I'm still chatting to him 6 months on. I've never had someone be like that before and I really like It.

I think we are both nervous about being intimate but I guess the more time we spend together that will change.

Lockdown hasn't helped and I did get very very ill for 7 weeks and had to then finish university so it's been a bit of a shitshow for catching up. He has promised to catch up over Christmas and seemed really positive about it.

The majority of my friends think the slow and steady approach is what I need and my best friend thinks he's a keeper.
I do tend to jump into things and this is the slowest ever start to a relationship EVER!

I don't even know the etiquette, am I meant to buy him a Christmas gift?

OP posts:
JurassicParkAha · 15/12/2020 22:58

Erm.. 5-6 months of messaging but still no full on snog isn't really a slow burner though, he just seems very luke warm, and lacking in confidence.

Slow burners are guys who are measured in the way they court you, no flowery intense declarations, no planning a future within a few dates etc. But they still know how to grab a girl and kiss her face off!! You're both in your 30s, where is the need for all this tentativeness?

Just because your ex was a love bomber doesn't mean you need to settle for the complete opposite. I think the next time you meet, you should just initiate the snog. And then you'll know how you feel. Honestly, if he pulls back from it, he has far too many intimacy issues to be lighting your world on fire. If the kiss is meh, I really don't think the rest will be amazing.

My ex hadn't been in a relationship for 6 years before me and had been celibate for like a year as work was so time consuming. He came across really quiet, reserved and not at all sexual. Wasn't sure about him at all. But he made me laugh and that intrigued me to get to know him more. On our second date, he just reached over and kissed me and it made my knees weak! Nice guys can still kiss!

Don't settle for no chemistry just because a guy is nice. You've given him 6 months, by now if his personality was going to win you over, you'd be feeling the fanny flutters.

Get him a card and a bottle of his favourite alcohol, snog him. And then see how excited he and you are to go further.

Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 15/12/2020 23:12

@JurassicParkAha it's really hard to get intimate in public parks especially during lockdown. In normal times we would have gone for a dinner and drinks and it would be a lot more relaxed.

I'm nervous too: it's been over 3 years and I've had 3 babies.

OP posts:
JurassicParkAha · 15/12/2020 23:19

How about in the car? That's private and you can get a feel for it. Otherwise, do you have the option to bubble and you could go to his place for dinner, movie and a cuddle? That gentler affection/intimacy is also a good indicator of chemistry.

JurassicParkAha · 15/12/2020 23:24

Also just still be wary - a lot of guys go OTT on being nice to cover up deeper intimacy issues and sexual problems . It's lovely that he texts and checks in and does grand gestures - but until you know what he's like with affection, being intimate, expressing emotion etc hold off on judgement either way.

wobblywinelover · 15/12/2020 23:36

@JurassicParkAha

Also just still be wary - a lot of guys go OTT on being nice to cover up deeper intimacy issues and sexual problems . It's lovely that he texts and checks in and does grand gestures - but until you know what he's like with affection, being intimate, expressing emotion etc hold off on judgement either way.
exactly this and the crossing of the arms suggests he's a bit uptight. It's great that you like him OP but just be prepared you might have to break through a million barriers to get to the real him. Sounds like hard work but good luck.
Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 16/12/2020 07:08

@JurassicParkAha

Also just still be wary - a lot of guys go OTT on being nice to cover up deeper intimacy issues and sexual problems . It's lovely that he texts and checks in and does grand gestures - but until you know what he's like with affection, being intimate, expressing emotion etc hold off on judgement either way.
@JurassicParkAha yes I think it's important to know the physical side before making a judgement call. So you're right on that point.

Ok project snogface is on! I'm going to try it one last time this wknd (if I can get some kid free time)

OP posts:
queenofknives · 16/12/2020 07:22

Hahaha Project Snogface! I hope you get some kind of conclusive answer, OP. Good luck!

youkiddingme · 16/12/2020 22:42

Keep us posted.

havecourage8bekind · 16/12/2020 22:55

Hoping project snogface is a success!

Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 19/12/2020 19:35

I haven't heard from him at all today. I was busy so didn't take much notice until I sat down this evening.

So guessing we aren't meeting for project snog face 😔

I'm not sure should I text him to ask him about his day or leave him off?

OP posts:
youkiddingme · 19/12/2020 20:04

I'd let him put some effort in.

Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 19/12/2020 20:21

It's the first time we haven't spoken daily in 5 months.

I think it's a polite and slow ghosting perhaps.

Bummer 😕

OP posts:
RogueV · 19/12/2020 20:36

I’m sorry OP

I would wait for him to get in touch.

queenofknives · 19/12/2020 23:17

I never liked the sound of him OP. If he was genuinely interested in you he would have made an effort. He just seemed like he was hiding something. Maybe he can't contact you today because its xmas and he has to spend time with his family/gf? I know people will think I sound horribly cynical but someone who says he likes you but folds his arms when you try to kiss him is not right. Now he's ghosting you... honestly I would message him and tell him it's not working out for you, and move on. There are lovely men out there. Somewhere.

Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 19/12/2020 23:39

@queenofknives I'm not going to message him.

I think maybe he just doesn't like me anymore and doesn't want to hurt my feelings by saying it.

Also I think I'm partly to blame as maybe he picked up on me not being so sure about things. And the flirting had definitely dropped off.

I hadn't pegged him for a ghoster, but such is modern dating.

I think I'll take a long break from it now.

OP posts:
queenofknives · 20/12/2020 07:09

Sorry, OP. It's disappointing, I know Flowers

ukgift2016 · 20/12/2020 07:30

Reading your posts, I did think he was only in it for the emotional connection/chat during lockdown. A red blooded male would made a move by now, even my shy and kind partner kissed me on the third date.

Keep him as a mate OP and move on.

Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 20/12/2020 20:33

@ukgift2016 he touched base today and I was out so only replied this evening. I've just said I feel like I've been friend zoned and I'm abit confused about continuing chatting. And he's apologized for not being in touch so much this wknd but he understands where I'm coming from 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
howdoyouknow123 · 21/12/2020 07:53

He just text back this morning saying he gets scared and pulls away. He's aware of it and lockdown and Covid have made it worse. But that he hasn't lost interest. I don't know what I'm meant to say now. He clearly needs support of a Counselor to process those things. And it's something he needs to want to work on himself on an ongoing basis. I just don't think I can give my self to someone who's emotionally unavailable

OP posts:
Aprilx · 21/12/2020 08:04

I can’t get past how you have seen him five times in five months and talk of asking him for space. Confused. I don’t think either of you are really up for taking this forward.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 21/12/2020 08:15

I was only thinking to myself last night that of all the men I've slept with, the only five who don't turn my stomach at the memory of were the five I really fancied. The rest were "nice" guys who I tried to give it a go with. When I think of the "nice" guys, I feel quite ill and as if they took something away from who I am.
It's strange because the "nice" guys give me no bad memories in terms of the relationship and how I was treated, whereas the three of the five I really fancied treated me less respectfully. Two of the five were long term relationships and (one is my husband) and one "nice" guy was a long term relationship so it's nothing to do with regretting the more casual relationships.
I think it's possible for some people to sleep with men and grow to have feelings. For me, it just makes me feel a little hallow and sad.

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