Emotional affair, 5 years ago

[Mhdix]

First time post so please go easy on me! I’m not one for talking about private stuff so if I say the wrong thing/come across in the wrong way I apologise

I’m also aware my wife browses this site from time to time. If you see this and you think you’re my wife, I’m serious when I say this, please talk to me about it

We got together when I was 19 she was 17. Our sex life was never what I’d call adventurous but it was good and things were what id call normal for a typical couple like us.

Back in 2015, her mood was constantly up and down (we had a young kid so thought this may be part of it)

I got frustrated and the night before my birthday managed to unlock her laptop. It was full of photos of attractive women, and some guys, no nudes etc but guys that were clearly real people I was able to find on Facebook.

Long story short I soon worked out that over the course of a year she has catfished multiple men. The girl pics were the ones she was using on fake Facebook profiles/tinder and she seemed to have had ongoing contact with around 6-8 men.

I was devastated, I know she’d spoken to many on the phone and by text at all hours. I will never forgive but I managed to move on.

Weird as this may sound I’d far rather she’d been out and had casual sex with half a dozen guys, I have no issue with physical no emotion sex (was v experienced before I met her, she wasn’t). Seeing her, even on fake profiles, putting random I love you or you’re gorgeous posts on other guys profiles was a heart wrenching sight.

She wasn’t as cooperative as I’d have liked in unpicking things but we seemed to move on reasonably ok.

It does come up from tie, to time that I have almost flashbacks, and it really hurts me that she did it. 5 years on though, the pain is if anything getting worse.

We have another child too now, and apart from this have had a good relationship. She suspects I have cheated, I haven’t at all since we got married despite having several opportunities, one as recently as today but I just wasn’t interested.

Our sex life is dull, I know I could make more effort but there’s only so much missionary with the lights off one guy can take. I got all this out of my system at 16/17, she didn’t. I do respect that and I try to sympathise for want of a better phrase, I just wish once a year she’d come out the bathroom in some killer heels and a short skirt etc!

Has anyone ever been in a position remotely like mine and how did you move on?

What you described above isn’t an “emotional affair”. She catfished strangers. That’s very disturbing and fucked up. Why did she do that?
And why do you have sex in the dark?
I must say I wouldn’t be keen on someone hoping I’d come out of the bathroom in the get-up you describe but... each to their own.
What flashbacks are you getting?
Do you ever discuss anything with her?

Did she explain why she was catfishing these men? Was she just after some attention or do you think she would have actually gone on to meet any of them? Although that would obviously require her to adit it’s not her in the photos. I’d be much ore concerned about that than her not making enough effort wrt sex. It’s pretty odd behaviour.

Her "stuff" sounds bizarre.
Indulging in a complete fiction. She would need to explore that herself.

You sound a bit full of yourself and your attitude is disrespectful to your wife.

Your attitude to sex is one where you are centering yourself and sounds immature.

Tbh at the time when we spoke about it emotions were raw it almos always ended with floods of tears from us both.
She said it was an attention thing.

Clearly she could never have gone on to meet any of these unless she was planning on confessing to one and hoping for the best, although I think that’s unlikely.

Tbh I’m ashamed/embarrassed for her. One guy caught her out and sent me a random friend request on Facebook. I’m no celebrity but I’m well known in my area, I get random friend requests daily, so thought nothing of it.

When I worked it out I messaged him and he told me what had happened, I also contacted another guy who’s number I found on her phone and his story was largely the same

@Onacleardayyoucansee

Her "stuff" sounds bizarre. Indulging in a complete fiction. She would need to explore that herself.

You sound a bit full of yourself and your attitude is disrespectful to your wife.

Your attitude to sex is one where you are centering yourself and sounds immature.

I’m sorry if I come across that way. I certainly am not disrespectful toward her, if it appears so I am sorry

Do you want to move on?

@berrygirlie

Do you want to move on?

Absolutely, but it hurts, a lot.

I used to hear her phone going constantly, assuming and being told, it was friends from work
But it wasn’t, it was other men. None knew it was her they all thought she was so,done very different.

Knowing she was talking at Christmas, on our wedding anniversary, the evening we got back from holiday etc etc, it kills

Have you tried any counselling? Would you be willing to try it, either individually or together? What is her thought process when it comes to thinking you've cheated (e.g. is this an ego defense mechanism, where she pushes her guilt of cheating onto you?) Is there any chance she has cheated recently?

It's a tough situation, if I'm honest. If you're honest with yourself (and you don't have to answer on here if you don't want) were you giving her enough attention? Not AT ALL saying it's an excuse for catfishing or cheating, but I've noticed you do come off as slightly disparaging in relation to her experience and your collective sex life.

@berrygirlie

Have you tried any counselling? Would you be willing to try it, either individually or together? What is her thought process when it comes to thinking you've cheated (e.g. is this an ego defense mechanism, where she pushes her guilt of cheating onto you?) Is there any chance she has cheated recently?

It's a tough situation, if I'm honest. If you're honest with yourself (and you don't have to answer on here if you don't want) were you giving her enough attention? Not AT ALL saying it's an excuse for catfishing or cheating, but I've noticed you do come off as slightly disparaging in relation to her experience and your collective sex life.

Hi, thanks for your reply. I really didn’t want to be disparaging I was just trying to tell it like it is.

Was I giving her enough attention? Probably not. Partly because I was bored of mundane sex and partly because I assumed she just didn’t want any.

I did find porn websites in her internet history which I was speechless about (although secretly quite pleased!)

I don’t think she has cheated physically either recently or in the past. Due to our home/work life her movements are pretty easy to know, there is one colleague that I wouldn’t 100% rule out, but no evidence to suggest they have done anything either. They work in a school so it would be unlikely in my opinion.

Has she cheated online recently? I don’t know, not sure at all. Probably not, but can’t ever be certain I guess.

What age are you both now, i think you both sound very young..... I met my husband at 17, he was 18 .... Meeting young can be wonderful but it can also be very tough at times, most relationships that begin as teenagers don't last because you are more likely to grow apart than grow together.

The catfishing sounds distressing. I don't think people catfish multiple people while in a relationship just for attention... It sounds like she is very , very lonely and her self esteem is extremely low. But she has been deceitful to every man he talked to as well as her obvious disregard for you and her child. She has not thought any of this through. Getting attention because she is pretending to be someelse is meaningless and empty.

Could she have had pnd after the birth of your first child? How old was she when the child was born? (I was 21, it was very hard).

You keep going on about being experienced before meeting your wife but you were so young. Casual sex as a teen does not = experienced. You sound resentful. Do you really want to stay married? Perhaps your marriage has run its course.

@GreekOddess

You keep going on about being experienced before meeting your wife but you were so young. Casual sex as a teen does not = experienced. You sound resentful. Do you really want to stay married? Perhaps your marriage has run its course.

Definitely not resentful

I did say sorry if anything comes across wrong lol

I had lots of sex as a teen and tried many things with many people.

Yes I want to stay married

Has the marriage run it’s course? No, but the sex side of it feels like it has for me

And the pain/heartache of the fact she wanted other men while laying next to,me in bed is killing more now than before, I just don’t get why

What makes you think she wanted other men? You say she hasn't met any of them and nothing physical has happened. As she's been catfishing them surely it means she doesn't want them or she'd have taken Things further.
You don't sound terribly well suited though and you come across as thinking a lot of yourself compared tro your wife.

@JessieR2386

What age are you both now, i think you both sound very young..... I met my husband at 17, he was 18 .... Meeting young can be wonderful but it can also be very tough at times, most relationships that begin as teenagers don't last because you are more likely to grow apart than grow together.

The catfishing sounds distressing. I don't think people catfish multiple people while in a relationship just for attention... It sounds like she is very , very lonely and her self esteem is extremely low. But she has been deceitful to every man he talked to as well as her obvious disregard for you and her child. She has not thought any of this through. Getting attention because she is pretending to be someelse is meaningless and empty.

Could she have had pnd after the birth of your first child? How old was she when the child was born? (I was 21, it was very hard).

I am now 37, she is 35.

We met at 19 and 17

I agree her self esteem is probably not great and wasn’t at the time. I do get that I just think they way of dealing with it is absurd.

Son was 3-4 at the time so unlikely to be pnd time wise.

I agree about loneliness too, we are each other’s closest support.

@IndieTara

What makes you think she wanted other men? You say she hasn't met any of them and nothing physical has happened. As she's been catfishing them surely it means she doesn't want them or she'd have taken Things further. You don't sound terribly well suited though and you come across as thinking a lot of yourself compared tro your wife.

I guess she wanted to fantasise about being with them, so wanting in that sense

Why is everyone so keen to find excuses for the wife? Catfishing relating to PND? Come on now... if the OP had done that he’d have been savaged and you know it. I’m surprised no one has asked whether he helps around the house enough. I think there are 2 separate issues - the contact with the different guys is one and the sexual relationship another. Was she having “ emotional “ conversations with these guys or sexual conversations ? I think she probably got caught up in the attention and found the secrecy was a bit exciting but going from doing nothing to contacting 6-8 men is quite a big leap. The sex side is another matter - I’m not quite sure what you were saying. You seemed to be saying that your experimenting days are behind you yet are clearly dissatisfied with the sex you have. You obviously want more and having a partner who initiates sex and surprises you from time to time with a new outfit or toy is a very modest ambition ( whatever anyone else says). That of course cuts both ways although maybe she’d prefer romance more or something geared to her tastes to make her feel “ seen”. What type of porn was she watching? Seems like there’s so much un-said between you that I really think a professional therapist may be the right path to help unpick all this.

She was 30 years old and catfishing 6-8 men , telling them she loved them, they were gorgeous....? She has fucked over a lot of people that you know about. Probably more that you don't! I'm sorry I expected you to say she was 21 or 22 at the time, and her youth was an excuse ..... Has she thought about going to counselling to talk about why she needed to do this? If she hasn't why not?

So often we hear on these pages someone getting into a relationship where they are lovebombed only for the person to disappear.... That's what your wife did. And not once , over and over and over again.

I would have left my husband for doing what she did, I'm surprised you stayed tbh , but I'm not surprised it has damaged your relationship so much.... And then when she was found out it she was uncooperative and didn't make it easy to unpick it all... it sounds hard.

I'm sorry. I think this relationship sounds unsalvageable. I wouldn't be able to trust your wife, how can you? And how can you have a relationship with no sex and no trust?

@Divebar

Why is everyone so keen to find excuses for the wife? Catfishing relating to PND? Come on now... if the OP had done that he’d have been savaged and you know it. I’m surprised no one has asked whether he helps around the house enough. I think there are 2 separate issues - the contact with the different guys is one and the sexual relationship another. Was she having “ emotional “ conversations with these guys or sexual conversations ? I think she probably got caught up in the attention and found the secrecy was a bit exciting but going from doing nothing to contacting 6-8 men is quite a big leap. The sex side is another matter - I’m not quite sure what you were saying. You seemed to be saying that your experimenting days are behind you yet are clearly dissatisfied with the sex you have. You obviously want more and having a partner who initiates sex and surprises you from time to time with a new outfit or toy is a very modest ambition ( whatever anyone else says). That of course cuts both ways although maybe she’d prefer romance more or something geared to her tastes to make her feel “ seen”. What type of porn was she watching? Seems like there’s so much un-said between you that I really think a professional therapist may be the right path to help unpick all this.

Thanks for your reply

The conversations were much more normal, so far as I can tell anyway, invented a career, talked about it, talked about travel with her friends etc etc none of which existed.

The guy who added me randomly said the messages were starting to veer towards sexual but he wouldn’t expand on that.

I suggested counselling at the time but she was dead against it and flatly refused.

My experimenting days where when I was younger and I am glad I met her, I just wish the sex was more exciting. After 17 years of almost exclusively missionary I; the bedroom, I’m weary, when I have experienced outdoor, groups, roleplays, etc etc etc. I’m not saying I want all that again I’m just trying to give some perspective.

She was watching porn on mainstream porn sites, seemed to be a few babysitter scenarios that she watched regularly so obviously either liked that scenario or the guys in them.

As for housework I work from home so tidy as a I go, I load and unload the dishwasher and washing machine/tumble dryer, I cook every meal, she has never put a bin out in her life, equally I have never used an iron or a duster, but on balance, I’d say I do slightly more than half the day to day stuff.

I think you need to talk to her. In your original post you're almost hoping she will read this and start a discussion with you. Sounds to me like you both still want the marriage to work, you both like/want sex and emotional connection but you're just out of sync for whatever reason and not providing what each other needs. You're hurt by want happened and it was never resolved for you. So much time has passed you feel you can't mention it again but if you're getting flashbacks about it 5 years on you need to discuss it with her. It doesn't matter when it happened if it's bothering you now she needs to address it with you. She clearly is a sensual person but why did she chose to catfish and even now prefers sex with the lights off? You might want to look into couples counselling? I hope it works out for you. I don't think you sound disrespectful at all. I totally empathise with you.

@JessieR2386

She was 30 years old and catfishing 6-8 men , telling them she loved them, they were gorgeous....? She has fucked over a lot of people that you know about. Probably more that you don't! I'm sorry I expected you to say she was 21 or 22 at the time, and her youth was an excuse ..... Has she thought about going to counselling to talk about why she needed to do this? If she hasn't why not?

So often we hear on these pages someone getting into a relationship where they are lovebombed only for the person to disappear.... That's what your wife did. And not once , over and over and over again.

I would have left my husband for doing what she did, I'm surprised you stayed tbh , but I'm not surprised it has damaged your relationship so much.... And then when she was found out it she was uncooperative and didn't make it easy to unpick it all... it sounds hard.

I'm sorry. I think this relationship sounds unsalvageable. I wouldn't be able to trust your wife, how can you? And how can you have a relationship with no sex and no trust?

Staying with her at the time wasn’t easy.

I do believe that throwing things away isn’t the best thing, life is full of challenges, and this was right up there.

It kills me that it was my birthday when I found out, I have flatly refused any birthday celebrations or even gifts since, I just can’t enjoy the day at all.

I don’t trust her 100% but I wouldn’t trust anyone else 100% either.

I want to salvage things and I think the issue here and now is me, I keep thinking back to it, I don’t want to, I just do

I don't know why you want to salvage this relationship. I have been with my husband for 28 years (28 months seoaration) so I don't throw relationships away either.... but my boundaries would not allow me to stay in a relationship where I was treated as you are. I think you need to think about why your standards are so low.

Relationships are about work and compromise, but this goes beyond all of that. You haven't celebrated a birthday since it happened? I think you need to look into counselling for yourself. Between that and the flashbacks it sounds like you have suffered a trauma and maybe need some help to move on.

18 months seperated I should say. We are back together now....

You met when you were more or less children, however 'experienced' you were. There seems to be so much unsaid in your marriage I'm b surprised it functions at all to be honest. Your wife clearly has some issue with sex. You have not properly trained about her weird catfishing escapade. It would be nice if you could just stop thinking about it but you can't because human emotions don't work like that. If you don't talk to each other I think this will sort itself out by ending the relationship by hook or by crook anyway.

@JessieR2386

18 months seperated I should say. We are back together now....

As much as in daily life she can frustrate me, she is my wife and I love her.

She did something very stupid and very hurtful. I genuinely would prefer it if she had met guys for one night stands and had sex (no emotions just sex)

The saving grace for me is that it wasn’t real. I can’t throw away the memories, good times and family for the sake of some stupidity.

If it happens again I absolutely will, but I have to take some responsibility for what she did, I clearly wasn’t getting some things right and although her decisions were ridiculous ultimately I have to look at myself too.

It breaks my heart, way more than I ever knew anything could.

She can be very defensive and hard to break down and that’s how she gets when I try to talk about this, is not malice it’s how she is.

I’m going to talk to her again this week and see if I can get her to see my concerns/upset but even if she says what do you want me to say, I don’t really know the answer

@BabyLEphant

I think you need to talk to her. In your original post you're almost hoping she will read this and start a discussion with you. Sounds to me like you both still want the marriage to work, you both like/want sex and emotional connection but you're just out of sync for whatever reason and not providing what each other needs. You're hurt by want happened and it was never resolved for you. So much time has passed you feel you can't mention it again but if you're getting flashbacks about it 5 years on you need to discuss it with her. It doesn't matter when it happened if it's bothering you now she needs to address it with you. She clearly is a sensual person but why did she chose to catfish and even now prefers sex with the lights off? You might want to look into couples counselling? I hope it works out for you. I don't think you sound disrespectful at all. I totally empathise with you.

Thank you, really appreciate this post