Emotional affair, 5 years ago

[Mhdix]

First time post so please go easy on me! I’m not one for talking about private stuff so if I say the wrong thing/come across in the wrong way I apologise

I’m also aware my wife browses this site from time to time. If you see this and you think you’re my wife, I’m serious when I say this, please talk to me about it

We got together when I was 19 she was 17. Our sex life was never what I’d call adventurous but it was good and things were what id call normal for a typical couple like us.

Back in 2015, her mood was constantly up and down (we had a young kid so thought this may be part of it)

I got frustrated and the night before my birthday managed to unlock her laptop. It was full of photos of attractive women, and some guys, no nudes etc but guys that were clearly real people I was able to find on Facebook.

Long story short I soon worked out that over the course of a year she has catfished multiple men. The girl pics were the ones she was using on fake Facebook profiles/tinder and she seemed to have had ongoing contact with around 6-8 men.

I was devastated, I know she’d spoken to many on the phone and by text at all hours. I will never forgive but I managed to move on.

Weird as this may sound I’d far rather she’d been out and had casual sex with half a dozen guys, I have no issue with physical no emotion sex (was v experienced before I met her, she wasn’t). Seeing her, even on fake profiles, putting random I love you or you’re gorgeous posts on other guys profiles was a heart wrenching sight.

She wasn’t as cooperative as I’d have liked in unpicking things but we seemed to move on reasonably ok.

It does come up from tie, to time that I have almost flashbacks, and it really hurts me that she did it. 5 years on though, the pain is if anything getting worse.

We have another child too now, and apart from this have had a good relationship. She suspects I have cheated, I haven’t at all since we got married despite having several opportunities, one as recently as today but I just wasn’t interested.

Our sex life is dull, I know I could make more effort but there’s only so much missionary with the lights off one guy can take. I got all this out of my system at 16/17, she didn’t. I do respect that and I try to sympathise for want of a better phrase, I just wish once a year she’d come out the bathroom in some killer heels and a short skirt etc!

Has anyone ever been in a position remotely like mine and how did you move on?

What your wife was doing on FB sounds really disturbing, whether there was physical contact or not.

The only rational explanation to such weird behaviour is that she was very young and didn't have sexual experience when you got together and she obviously has the itch. This is understandable.

I'm not justifying such horrible and disrespectful behaviour, but she probably has a longing deep down to have sexual experiences with other men. Like you said, you got this out the system, but she didn't.

We are all human and it is understandable that during the course of a marriage, that we might meet or bump into someone we might fall in love with or be attracted to. It's what we do about what really matters and shows our true colours.

Like you said, if she had been honest and told you upfront, "I want to have sex with other men, is that OK?", maybe you would have understood and maybe, maybe, been OK about her having a sexual encounter.

For me, it's not fancying other people the real issue, it's what your partner does about it. I'm all for honesty. If you fancy someone, tell your partner about it, talk about it, think together of a plan to handle the situation.

The worst you can do is lie and do things behind your partner's back. That's betrayal and unfortunately, it says a lot about your wife.

the only way you can move on, honestly, is to gaslight yourself.

Your wife is untrustworthy, has been unwilling to inconvenience herself to rebuild trust and you would be a fool to trust her.

The wife is always a mumsnetter.

😘 @ThePlantsitter

So I'm wondering why, when someone asked you if you were giving your wife enough attention at the time, you admitted probably not, but then only gave the boring sex as a reason? If someone asks you that, they mean attention in general, not just in the bedroom. In fact, for a woman foreplay starts well out of the bedroom with the kind of attention they receive throughout everyday life.
Were you spending time at home with her, doing daily chores together? I note she works, so I hope you've been doing an equal share of household tasks and child nurturing.
Is your only way of showing affection in the bedroom or do you hug and kiss thought the day, have date nights together, go out as a family? You have to be present to prevent someone from being lonely.

Do men use the phrase 'killer heels' though..?

@moonsurferpig

Do men use the phrase 'killer heels' though..?

I do, tbh I love them so yea I def do

If you love them so much, you wear them.

Notice you replied to your fetish but none of the other stuff.

Jog on.
Or, hobble on, in your killer heels.

@Onacleardayyoucansee

If you love them so much, you wear them.

Notice you replied to your fetish but none of the other stuff.

Jog on.
Or, hobble on, in your killer heels.

The others warrant longer replies which I will do when I have time

My wife has done this many, many times before. She once used my own father's battle with cancer as her own. On the day of his funeral she told her lover she had months to live. It all came out when he discovered she wasn't who he thought she was. He emailed me, but she confessed as she knew I'd be getting an email.

I've moved on and forgiven her, but it happens again and again. Her change in behaviour is so predictable I know it's happening again. For the sake of the children, I'm staying at home at least until after Christmas, then I'm going. I'm not perfect, but have never cheated, have been told I'm not unattractive, and frankly want better. I've been married almost 20 years!

I've even considered ending it all - but what good would that do? I love my kids and still love my wife - that would be awful, so I go on, smile and pretend all is well ....