Emotional affair, 5 years ago

[Mhdix]

First time post so please go easy on me! I’m not one for talking about private stuff so if I say the wrong thing/come across in the wrong way I apologise

I’m also aware my wife browses this site from time to time. If you see this and you think you’re my wife, I’m serious when I say this, please talk to me about it

We got together when I was 19 she was 17. Our sex life was never what I’d call adventurous but it was good and things were what id call normal for a typical couple like us.

Back in 2015, her mood was constantly up and down (we had a young kid so thought this may be part of it)

I got frustrated and the night before my birthday managed to unlock her laptop. It was full of photos of attractive women, and some guys, no nudes etc but guys that were clearly real people I was able to find on Facebook.

Long story short I soon worked out that over the course of a year she has catfished multiple men. The girl pics were the ones she was using on fake Facebook profiles/tinder and she seemed to have had ongoing contact with around 6-8 men.

I was devastated, I know she’d spoken to many on the phone and by text at all hours. I will never forgive but I managed to move on.

Weird as this may sound I’d far rather she’d been out and had casual sex with half a dozen guys, I have no issue with physical no emotion sex (was v experienced before I met her, she wasn’t). Seeing her, even on fake profiles, putting random I love you or you’re gorgeous posts on other guys profiles was a heart wrenching sight.

She wasn’t as cooperative as I’d have liked in unpicking things but we seemed to move on reasonably ok.

It does come up from tie, to time that I have almost flashbacks, and it really hurts me that she did it. 5 years on though, the pain is if anything getting worse.

We have another child too now, and apart from this have had a good relationship. She suspects I have cheated, I haven’t at all since we got married despite having several opportunities, one as recently as today but I just wasn’t interested.

Our sex life is dull, I know I could make more effort but there’s only so much missionary with the lights off one guy can take. I got all this out of my system at 16/17, she didn’t. I do respect that and I try to sympathise for want of a better phrase, I just wish once a year she’d come out the bathroom in some killer heels and a short skirt etc!

Has anyone ever been in a position remotely like mine and how did you move on?

@sofiaaaaaa

You called her inexperienced sexually when you met, but why didn’t you help her gain experience by trying new things and exploring her body etc?

You’ve been together for such a long time, to the extent her being “shit in bed” is just as much your fault if all she knows is missionary with the lights off! You’re all she knows at this point. It doesn’t sound like she enjoys sex.

The cat fishing is weird, I would assume anyone that does that is mentally ill.

I was very conscious about not wanting to push her boundaries etc

I was willing to do anything, she just wanted to be intimate 1-1 usually in the dark in bed.

She has a very low sex drive which doesn’t help. We tried lots of new things briefly and I suggested more, but she was clearly out of her comfort zone so I didn’t push anything, as much as I found it frustrating I’m not going to push/nag for anything sexual it’s not fair on her

@Groovinpeanut

Bloody hell some on here never disappoint in the dramatics...

It's swung from the OP sleeping with a child, treating his wife as a sex object, and wanting to 'truss her up'

Meanwhile in the real World 17 is above the legal of consent.

Wanting a normal healthy sex life and relationshipi sn't treating anyone as a sex object.

The 'trussing up' is hilarious... Not everybody sees short skirts and heels as 'trussing'... Not every woman is a fan of ankle length tweed skirts and laced up shoes.

Thanks for your support, glad I’m not alone thinking like this

@GingerScallop

GalaxyCookieCrumble wife has refused therapy or to address her catfishing and it's on op that he has issues 5 years on? Seriously? If this was reversed would you and others flog op this way?

Op am sorry this is happening in your life. I think the only way to unpack and start moving on is counseling to get total disclosure, start figuring why it happened and how to proof the relationship in the future (and how to deal with your intrusive thoughts about it). If she can't accept that then am sorry but it might be impossible to heal and you either accept and stay in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship or you move on no matter how much you love her

Thanks.

I wish I’d pushed more for counselling at the time.

I don’t think it’ll happen now, but as a husband I want to resolve this and move forward unless there is absolutely no other option

@Bluntness100

God some of these replies are shocking. It’s demeaning for a woman to decide to wear sexy clothes for her husband? He started a relationship with a child? Words fail me.

Personally if I found out my husband had been cat fishing women I’d be out of there, it would have been game over. And if the genders were reversed people would have been screaming Ltb

Haha thanks, and yes I in some ways do think why didn’t I just go, but on the other hand I don’t and didn’t want to walk away from what was otherwise a good marriage.

I won’t give up trying to make her happy unless something like this happens again

@SparklingLime

I think she needs counselling re the cat fishing.

But everything you’ve said about sex suggests that it has never been enjoyable or exciting for her. Having tried lots of things as a teen does not mean you’re necessarily good in bed for her. The lights out/missionary approach suggests that she gave up on it being enjoyable for her ages ago and is just complying with sex to please you and get it over with. What have you done to try to find out what works for her sexually?

When we have sex she clearly enjoys it in that she orgasm etc.

She def hasn’t faked anything, I am certain of that. She’s just not adventurous sexually, that’s her, it frustrates me but it’s her.

I agree about the counselling but I doubt she’s thought about it in the last 5 years, she’d never agree to it now

@SparklingLime

If that is that case, *@Mhdix*, it will have been miserable for her, but is really common. And as a 19-year-old lad who thought he was very experienced, you probably weren’t best placed to be sensitive to what genuinely was good for her.

A lot of time has passed though, and the awful experience you’ve had with the cat-fishing... I don’t know where you go from here. But bemoaning the lack of heels and sexual treats for you is just all wrong. It doesn’t sound like you have a clue what sex is like or could be like for her.

Thank you for your feedback, I respectfully disagree but I understand your point of view

@Normalmumandwife

There are numerous threads on here if women whose DH have had affairs a d their difficulty forgiving and being unable to move on. Your wife may not have physically slept with another man but she might as well have done. You are still feeling the grief and loss of trust, coupled with she/you haven't made effort to improve things sexually so you don't have the connections.

Sorry but the reality is your relationship is pretty dead and you both need to move on. I have a friend who tried to do what you have but several years ,after it still tortured her every day and she moved out and divorced. She is now so much happier and in a new relationship

Thanks, I do get your point but I will work on it until it can’t be worked out.

I meant my wedding vows, I didn’t marry her to give up after one, admittedly prolonged, weird issue

It sounds like you're desperately in need of some therapy (joint and individual) to navigate the events from five years ago and the sex-related issues. Would she consider joint therapy, do you think?

@purplechairandcat

It sounds like you're desperately in need of some therapy (joint and individual) to navigate the events from five years ago and the sex-related issues. Would she consider joint therapy, do you think?

No,don’t think she’d consider it at all

That's really sad because given the complexities of both, I'm not sure how you'll be able to figure it out without solid, professional help. I really hope it works out for you OP.

@purplechairandcat

That's really sad because given the complexities of both, I'm not sure how you'll be able to figure it out without solid, professional help. I really hope it works out for you OP.

Thanks,

I guess her point now would be that it was 5 years ago, to her I think it’s a non issue now. I almost wish she’d show some remorse, just one night/morning cuddled up in bed I’d love her to say I’m sorry for the past but I’m glad we’re together now, doesn’t need to be any more than that.

I feel like I’ve got a life sentence and she’s got a free pass

Some of these responses are ridiculous, there's nothing wrong with wearing something sexy for your husband, it isn't remotely demeaning. Anyway, my advice would be to find a good therapist for you, even if she won't go, it'll help you to really talk through how you feel and what your options are. It doesn't seem salvageable to me because she doesn't seem to be making any effort to meet you halfway. The catfishing thing was really odd, but she met you young and maybe never had any attention from anyone else. It isn't necessarily unforgivable but if she won't work on improving your marriage as well then you can't fix it on your own. Do you ever have date nights at home? Do you have things you like to do together or anything in common?

It's interesting as well that you said she wants the security of a relationship yet she risked losing that with her actions. Really she needs therapy too but seems like she wouldn't go.

Life's short though op, how much longer do you want to be with her if nothing changes or improves?

OMG OP, as the thread has gone on you are totally dismissing anyone who doesn't have your view point.
@SparklingLime just offered some sage input, but you dismiss it.

Maybe you "respectfully" dismiss your wife because she thinks differently to you?

So many men are like this.
You really think you are right.
How is that working for you?

See I dunno OP’s situation is pretty bad with his wife and she does sound desperately in need of some counselling but saying he had opportunities to cheat and even today turned one down is a bit of a flag. There wouldn’t be so many opportunities to cheat if he wasn’t putting himself in those types of scenarios.
This isn’t a world where women out of nowhere will often just offer sex without build up.

I have had a similar issue with my husband catfishing. We are still going through it and it's agonising.

@DeadSouth

See I dunno OP’s situation is pretty bad with his wife and she does sound desperately in need of some counselling but saying he had opportunities to cheat and even today turned one down is a bit of a flag. There wouldn’t be so many opportunities to cheat if he wasn’t putting himself in those types of scenarios. This isn’t a world where women out of nowhere will often just offer sex without build up.

Due to my job I meet lots of women, it’s a part of the industry I’m in and is normal.

I work alongside a 90% female workforce of fairly senior people. You’d be amazed how many open up once they know you.

I haven’t cheated, and I won’t

This sounds like such a mess and I would imagine the only way to truly move on would be through a very good marriage counsellor.

It's never really been dealt with has it? That's why you're feeling worse rather than better.

@Mhdix even with a 90% female workforce I don’t imagine them frequently offering sex if there wasn’t at least flirting there.

I mean that sounds exactly like sexual harassment to me.

[quote DeadSouth]@Mhdix even with a 90% female workforce I don’t imagine them frequently offering sex if there wasn’t at least flirting there.

I mean that sounds exactly like sexual harassment to me.[/quote]
Wow, ok

It certainly isn’t. I am not the slightest bit like that

@Mhdix
I’m not accusing you of sexual harassment I’m suggesting if women are frequently offering you sex unprompted you are being sexually harassed.

If it was a woman in the work place being offered sex on a regular basis against her wishes this would be taken seriously as sexual harassment.

Evening everyone - we've been in touch with the OP directly and we're happy to reopen the thread so that he can carry on getting support and advice.

Thanks to those who have posted so far.

Hi Lou, thanks for the emails, glad we’re sorted

Thanks for the responses everyone, I’ve had contact by pm with a couple of you and if anyone else has any experience of this or any advice I’m all ears

Have you thought of dressing up in a sexy outfit for your wife? Maybe she finds your vanilla clothing a bit boring. Perhaps the cat fishing started because things are not great in that way at home. Not that that’s an excuse of course.

I think that most men make an effort for their wives, I know the men at my work do. We chat about what they wear and do in bed to keep their wives satisfied. Maybe your wife has been comparing notes with her male friends and colleagues as well, and that’s why she’s looking elsewhere.

Do you make an effort with your appearance the rest of the time ? Have you perhaps put on weight since you got married and had kids ?

Are you sure you are spending enough time going on dates and doing things as a couple ? How often do you arrange a babysitter ( pre Covid or if it’s allowed in your area ) and surprise her with a night out or a weekend away?

Do you pay enough attention go her in bed ? You assume your sex life is OK as you think she has an orgasm but it sounds like you just assume that and never talk to her about what she likes.

I’m also wondering if you listen to her opinion on other matters ? Or do you just dismiss her as you do with most posters here ? Because I see that you ask for opinions and then just say ‘no’ to anyone who has another view. That comes across as very closed minded and a bit arrogant, when you have come here to ask for opinions and MNers have taken the time to give them.

It’s hard to advise more without hearing her side of it so it’s all just conjecture of course.

I'm a bit in love with you for that post, C0RA.

I think she doesn't like sex with you and so she's frustrated and that catfishing was an outlet. She's "got the ick" as I've heard on here. I'm not surprised either if you talk to her about sex in real life as you have on here. Its all "me, me, me" and she may feel not good enough for you.
Maybe the only good outcome here for both of you is amicable separation. You can get a partner who wants what you want in bed and she can find someone to show her what mutually pleasurable sex can be.