Emotional affair, 5 years ago

[Mhdix]

First time post so please go easy on me! I’m not one for talking about private stuff so if I say the wrong thing/come across in the wrong way I apologise

I’m also aware my wife browses this site from time to time. If you see this and you think you’re my wife, I’m serious when I say this, please talk to me about it

We got together when I was 19 she was 17. Our sex life was never what I’d call adventurous but it was good and things were what id call normal for a typical couple like us.

Back in 2015, her mood was constantly up and down (we had a young kid so thought this may be part of it)

I got frustrated and the night before my birthday managed to unlock her laptop. It was full of photos of attractive women, and some guys, no nudes etc but guys that were clearly real people I was able to find on Facebook.

Long story short I soon worked out that over the course of a year she has catfished multiple men. The girl pics were the ones she was using on fake Facebook profiles/tinder and she seemed to have had ongoing contact with around 6-8 men.

I was devastated, I know she’d spoken to many on the phone and by text at all hours. I will never forgive but I managed to move on.

Weird as this may sound I’d far rather she’d been out and had casual sex with half a dozen guys, I have no issue with physical no emotion sex (was v experienced before I met her, she wasn’t). Seeing her, even on fake profiles, putting random I love you or you’re gorgeous posts on other guys profiles was a heart wrenching sight.

She wasn’t as cooperative as I’d have liked in unpicking things but we seemed to move on reasonably ok.

It does come up from tie, to time that I have almost flashbacks, and it really hurts me that she did it. 5 years on though, the pain is if anything getting worse.

We have another child too now, and apart from this have had a good relationship. She suspects I have cheated, I haven’t at all since we got married despite having several opportunities, one as recently as today but I just wasn’t interested.

Our sex life is dull, I know I could make more effort but there’s only so much missionary with the lights off one guy can take. I got all this out of my system at 16/17, she didn’t. I do respect that and I try to sympathise for want of a better phrase, I just wish once a year she’d come out the bathroom in some killer heels and a short skirt etc!

Has anyone ever been in a position remotely like mine and how did you move on?

I just wish once a year she’d come out the bathroom in some killer heels and a short skirt etc!

Trussing yourself up like a tart for a man is demeaning.

There are some serious issue in your relationship. Expecting her to demean herself in this way will not resolve them.

@HeddaGarbled

I just wish once a year she’d come out the bathroom in some killer heels and a short skirt etc!

Trussing yourself up like a tart for a man is demeaning.

There are some serious issue in your relationship. Expecting her to demean herself in this way will not resolve them.

It’s an example

Most women that I know every now and then will slip into soemthing sexy and go and surprise their partners,

If they didn’t then Ann summers, love honey etc wouldn’t exist

I work from home but most of my colleagues are women, we meet from time to time and know each other well. All of them would do things like this and open,y talk about it when we’re in the office, most of my male friends wives or gfs have done the same

It’s called making an effort

It wasn't an act of stupidty. It was a lengthy, planned act of duplicity, where she betrayed you repeatedly . She stole other woman's photos, she tricked men into having feelings for a person that didn't exist , and all the while sleeping with you. You're sitting on a forum telling us that you are attractive because you feel you have to say that. Because what she did had a massive affect on you.

If she doesn't talk to you about it and says stuff like "what do you want me to say?" Say "I want you to talk me through this until I understand, its very important to me".... If she walks away , you have your answer. This stonewalling might not be malicious ( I think it can be actually) , but it is ultimately her choice to repeatedly put her feelings above yours, something that sounds like she has been doing her whole life. Good luck.

No, you’re wrong. It’s an expectation placed on women by the increasing pornification of contemporary culture. I agree, women do it. I disagree that it’s helpful for their self-esteem or healthy relationships. Their men, of course, are totally cool with it and expect it of them, and, as you do, think they are wrong if they don’t want to act like sex dolls.

@HeddaGarbled

I just wish once a year she’d come out the bathroom in some killer heels and a short skirt etc!

Trussing yourself up like a tart for a man is demeaning.

There are some serious issue in your relationship. Expecting her to demean herself in this way will not resolve them.

It's not demeaning if she wants to do it. Often women who are confident and have high self esteem love to do things like this every so often and show themselves off like the sexy woman that they know they are. Of course there are other confident women with high self esteem who don't want to do that ever and that's fine too. ..but to say it's demeaning is quite a reach!

All he said was that he wished she'd do it once a year. He's not forcing her to do it. I think anyone would like something a bit different than missionary after 17 years!

She has actually said to me that if I put a sexy outfit and a pair of heels on the bed she’d come out in them.

I’ve told her I’d love that but I’d prefer if she chose the outfit/heels and surprised me

Not going to lie things like this matter to me, not so much that it’s a deal breaker but it would be nice

It's fucked up that you, an adult, started a sexual relationship with a child.

@HeddaGarbled

No, you’re wrong. It’s an expectation placed on women by the increasing pornification of contemporary culture. I agree, women do it. I disagree that it’s helpful for their self-esteem or healthy relationships. Their men, of course, are totally cool with it and expect it of them, and, as you do, think they are wrong if they don’t want to act like sex dolls.

I have kissed this girl on her 18th birthday, seen her through uni, passing her driving test.

I’ve travelled the world with her, I’ve held her hand through turbulent flights, sat arm in arm in exotic beaches, moved in, had a family, seen her in surgery (c-section)’ helped her career, provided for her as she has for me.

I do not view her as a sex doll.

@user541633589911

It's fucked up that you, an adult, started a sexual relationship with a child.

I was 19, she was 17.

Perfectly legal.

@user541633589911

It's fucked up that you, an adult, started a sexual relationship with a child.

Oh stop! 19 and 17 is perfectly acceptable!

*She has actually said to me that if I put a sexy outfit and a pair of heels on the bed she’d come out in them.

I’ve told her I’d love that but I’d prefer if she chose the outfit/heels and surprised me*

So she was willing to comply with your demeaning request in order to please you, but you shot her down.

Trust me, drop this silliness and address the real issues.

@HeddaGarbled lay off him for gods sake. It wasn't demeaning.

He actually sounds like a pretty laid back guy considering everything that has gone on in the relationship. It doesn't sound like his partner is willing to work on the bigger issues at all. He said in his post he thinks that the bigger issue here is him because he keeps getting flashbacks to it.

If this were a woman then everyone would completely understand her feelings in this situation.
If a woman caught her husband catfishing women and writing I love yous and putting love hearts on them and saw that he was watching porn even though he didn't have much interest in sex with her apart from going through the motions then everyone would understand her anguish and pain.

OP, what do you want to happen here?
Do you think that if you had a more passionate sex life and you felt like she wanted you more that that would heal the past for you?
or do you think that it needs a lot more than that? and if so what? what can she do that can help the relationship?

You need to work out the answers to those questions and then see if she willing to address any of the issues. If she isn't then you have to have a serious think about your future.

If you are getting flashbacks and the memories are so painful that they ruin birthdays then perhaps you might look into EMDR therapy. I don't know if you have heard about it but it is basically a form of therapy which helps to process traumatic memories. The idea is that painful memories get stuck and are never processed properly. This technique basically gets your brain to process them so they aren't stuck there anymore. You remember them but they just aren't as painful anymore. It's a very interesting and beneficial form of therapy!

OP I think you've been very respectful of your wife and the situation you describe. I'll probably get flamed for saying that, but it doesn't bother me.

I don't think there is any justification for your wifes behaviour. We all have time in our lives where day to day life gets a bit mundane and samey. We all have times where we start to let things slide a bit. We have days we feel like crap, taken for granted and put upon, this can happen on our working and personal life.

All of these things don't give someone the right to behave as your wife has. It takes a fair bit of time and effort to source photos, set up social media accounts, log in and engage etc. All of that time, is time taken away from your relationship. If she wants to fantasise with random men, disguised as some other woman, why can't she apply that fantasy to your relationship?
It's all very well people asking if you don't give her enough attention... She doesn't seem to be doing much to warrant attention... If she gave you even half of the attention she's applied to her online personas you'd most likely be more than happy with that. She may be happier too!

I don't think a sex life that consists of a fumble in the dark, strictly missionary, and pull my nightie down when you're done attitude is going to make any partner feel even ripples of excitement. It's a bit like having chips on a Tuesday, it gets boring very quickly, and lacks variety.

I don't think getting together young is an excuse either. One of the advantages of being together from a young age is that you 'grow together' you get to share your hopes, expectations and become familiar with each other. It's obvious your wife doesn't have a yearning to expand on any sexual journey. There's not much point behaving like a temptress of seduction online if she's not prepared to move on from missionary in reality.

If people have been on contact with you, it's not surprising you feel a bit ashamed and embarrassed, they must talk to others that maybe know you. They probably think your wife's a strange woman. Catfishing isn't normal by any means. It's also not nice being the husband in that kind of situation. To find your wife and mother of your child has behaved that way must make you feel mortified, and very embarrassed.

If things have got to the stage they have, the only way forward is for you to talk to each other. She needs to be talking to you, like she has these random men, and if she wants to play out this temptress persona, then yes as you say the heels and short skirt could well be seen to be her enjoying that role.

There's no magic wand in these situations, it'll either make or break. I guess you're either going to drift on, or it'll come to a head.

I hope it does work out for you, Life's too short to lead a mundane life.

All the best 👍

She does not sound happy to me, and neither is she your sex object for your gratification. Your issues 5 years on are yours to deal with, personally if she is unhappy suggest separating instead of flogging a dead horse.

You called her inexperienced sexually when you met, but why didn’t you help her gain experience by trying new things and exploring her body etc?

You’ve been together for such a long time, to the extent her being “shit in bed” is just as much your fault if all she knows is missionary with the lights off! You’re all she knows at this point. It doesn’t sound like she enjoys sex.

The cat fishing is weird, I would assume anyone that does that is mentally ill.

Bloody hell some on here never disappoint in the dramatics...

It's swung from the OP sleeping with a child, treating his wife as a sex object, and wanting to 'truss her up'

Meanwhile in the real World 17 is above the legal of consent.

Wanting a normal healthy sex life and relationshipi sn't treating anyone as a sex object.

The 'trussing up' is hilarious... Not everybody sees short skirts and heels as 'trussing'... Not every woman is a fan of ankle length tweed skirts and laced up shoes.

GalaxyCookieCrumble wife has refused therapy or to address her catfishing and it's on op that he has issues 5 years on? Seriously? If this was reversed would you and others flog op this way?

Op am sorry this is happening in your life. I think the only way to unpack and start moving on is counseling to get total disclosure, start figuring why it happened and how to proof the relationship in the future (and how to deal with your intrusive thoughts about it). If she can't accept that then am sorry but it might be impossible to heal and you either accept and stay in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship or you move on no matter how much you love her

God some of these replies are shocking. It’s demeaning for a woman to decide to wear sexy clothes for her husband? He started a relationship with a child? Words fail me.

Personally if I found out my husband had been cat fishing women I’d be out of there, it would have been game over. And if the genders were reversed people would have been screaming Ltb

I think she needs counselling re the cat fishing.

But everything you’ve said about sex suggests that it has never been enjoyable or exciting for her. Having tried lots of things as a teen does not mean you’re necessarily good in bed for her. The lights out/missionary approach suggests that she gave up on it being enjoyable for her ages ago and is just complying with sex to please you and get it over with. What have you done to try to find out what works for her sexually?

If that is that case, @Mhdix, it will have been miserable for her, but is really common. And as a 19-year-old lad who thought he was very experienced, you probably weren’t best placed to be sensitive to what genuinely was good for her.

A lot of time has passed though, and the awful experience you’ve had with the cat-fishing... I don’t know where you go from here. But bemoaning the lack of heels and sexual treats for you is just all wrong. It doesn’t sound like you have a clue what sex is like or could be like for her.

There are numerous threads on here if women whose DH have had affairs a d their difficulty forgiving and being unable to move on. Your wife may not have physically slept with another man but she might as well have done. You are still feeling the grief and loss of trust, coupled with she/you haven't made effort to improve things sexually so you don't have the connections.

Sorry but the reality is your relationship is pretty dead and you both need to move on. I have a friend who tried to do what you have but several years ,after it still tortured her every day and she moved out and divorced. She is now so much happier and in a new relationship

@HeddaGarbled

*She has actually said to me that if I put a sexy outfit and a pair of heels on the bed she’d come out in them.

I’ve told her I’d love that but I’d prefer if she chose the outfit/heels and surprised me*

So she was willing to comply with your demeaning request in order to please you, but you shot her down.

Trust me, drop this silliness and address the real issues.

It’s the 21st century, not sure if anyone told you

[quote user1481840227]@HeddaGarbled lay off him for gods sake. It wasn't demeaning.

He actually sounds like a pretty laid back guy considering everything that has gone on in the relationship. It doesn't sound like his partner is willing to work on the bigger issues at all. He said in his post he thinks that the bigger issue here is him because he keeps getting flashbacks to it.

If this were a woman then everyone would completely understand her feelings in this situation.
If a woman caught her husband catfishing women and writing I love yous and putting love hearts on them and saw that he was watching porn even though he didn't have much interest in sex with her apart from going through the motions then everyone would understand her anguish and pain.

OP, what do you want to happen here?
Do you think that if you had a more passionate sex life and you felt like she wanted you more that that would heal the past for you?
or do you think that it needs a lot more than that? and if so what? what can she do that can help the relationship?

You need to work out the answers to those questions and then see if she willing to address any of the issues. If she isn't then you have to have a serious think about your future.

If you are getting flashbacks and the memories are so painful that they ruin birthdays then perhaps you might look into EMDR therapy. I don't know if you have heard about it but it is basically a form of therapy which helps to process traumatic memories. The idea is that painful memories get stuck and are never processed properly. This technique basically gets your brain to process them so they aren't stuck there anymore. You remember them but they just aren't as painful anymore. It's a very interesting and beneficial form of therapy![/quote]
Hi, thanks for your reply.

What do I want to happen? To turn back time!

In reality, I just wish I could stop seeing in my head the things she did. It really upsets me that so many hours were spent putting effort in to other men.

I wish that time had been on us.

If I felt more wanted, appreciated etc then yes that would help. I’ll be talking to her later in the week, today is sons birthday so don’t want to create an atmosphere.

@Groovinpeanut

OP I think you've been very respectful of your wife and the situation you describe. I'll probably get flamed for saying that, but it doesn't bother me.

I don't think there is any justification for your wifes behaviour. We all have time in our lives where day to day life gets a bit mundane and samey. We all have times where we start to let things slide a bit. We have days we feel like crap, taken for granted and put upon, this can happen on our working and personal life.

All of these things don't give someone the right to behave as your wife has. It takes a fair bit of time and effort to source photos, set up social media accounts, log in and engage etc. All of that time, is time taken away from your relationship. If she wants to fantasise with random men, disguised as some other woman, why can't she apply that fantasy to your relationship?
It's all very well people asking if you don't give her enough attention... She doesn't seem to be doing much to warrant attention... If she gave you even half of the attention she's applied to her online personas you'd most likely be more than happy with that. She may be happier too!

I don't think a sex life that consists of a fumble in the dark, strictly missionary, and pull my nightie down when you're done attitude is going to make any partner feel even ripples of excitement. It's a bit like having chips on a Tuesday, it gets boring very quickly, and lacks variety.

I don't think getting together young is an excuse either. One of the advantages of being together from a young age is that you 'grow together' you get to share your hopes, expectations and become familiar with each other. It's obvious your wife doesn't have a yearning to expand on any sexual journey. There's not much point behaving like a temptress of seduction online if she's not prepared to move on from missionary in reality.

If people have been on contact with you, it's not surprising you feel a bit ashamed and embarrassed, they must talk to others that maybe know you. They probably think your wife's a strange woman. Catfishing isn't normal by any means. It's also not nice being the husband in that kind of situation. To find your wife and mother of your child has behaved that way must make you feel mortified, and very embarrassed.

If things have got to the stage they have, the only way forward is for you to talk to each other. She needs to be talking to you, like she has these random men, and if she wants to play out this temptress persona, then yes as you say the heels and short skirt could well be seen to be her enjoying that role.

There's no magic wand in these situations, it'll either make or break. I guess you're either going to drift on, or it'll come to a head.

I hope it does work out for you, Life's too short to lead a mundane life.

All the best 👍

Thanks, you make some good points.

I don’t really feel embarrassed by the guys contacting me, more for her tbh.

We live in a small village in a remote area, the guy that messaged me says that he knows someone in the village that knows us and that person is aware. He wouldn’t say who.

Nobody treats us any differently, nobody has said a word to me or to her. My wife is well known in the village as am I. She’s lived here virtually all her life, I moved here when we got together and am probably now better known than her due to some local commitments, many people talk to me when I’m walking the dog etc as if they’ve known me years when I don’t even recognise them! I suspect if anyone knew I’d have heard by now.

She’s a relationship kind of person so getting together young should be a help. She never even kissed a guy outside of being bf/gf, she doesn’t really approve of casual fun or fwb etc, she likes security and definitely has that

What she did was so out of character. if it was once I’d laugh it off, but it was multiple times, over at least a year.

@GalaxyCookieCrumble

She does not sound happy to me, and neither is she your sex object for your gratification. Your issues 5 years on are yours to deal with, personally if she is unhappy suggest separating instead of flogging a dead horse.

Not sure you’ve read things properly but thanks for your input