Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

are long term relationships & marriages past their societal sell buy date

80 replies

Princessleila86 · 01/12/2020 15:09

so having read a lot of threads on here and in my own experiences it seems a lot of marriages / long term relationships just aren't working like they used to

there seems to be an enormous amount of discontentment in todays society/relationships and im really starting to question whether a finding a partner and getting married is actually the be all and end all of achievement in life
( which is how its been sold for donkeys years)

how do people realistically stay together for 20/30/40 years without driving each other mental !?! or the attraction dwindling or sex becoming stale and boring (which it almost inevitably will over the duration)

and its all very well and good just saying ah yea well we do it for the kids but that doesn't do anything to stem the individual discontentment

there seems to be too many alternative options / ideas and fantasys at the moment for anything to truly last more than a few years

perhaps i am just being sceptical but looking around me i cant really see one relationship that's stood the test of time and the people in it can honestly say they are as happy as the day they met .......even the ones who portray it to be all sunshine and roses in public seem to have cracks showing underneath the façade

OP posts:

CatherinedeBourgh · 01/12/2020 15:14

I think the propotion of happy marriages is probably the same as it has ever been, but people who are unhappy now have options other than sucking it up.

Personally I never viewed marriage and family as the be all and end all, but having been happily with dh for nearly 30 years it definitely is the best thing that ever happened to me.

CatherinedeBourgh · 01/12/2020 15:15

Oh, and no reason why sex should get stale and boring, practice make perfect!

Seafog · 01/12/2020 15:16

I am married 23 years, and very happy. All our family are long term married, as are most of our friends.
I don't post about it a lot as it seems smug.
People who are hurting, or hunting for a short term thing, are more likely to be vocal about it.

Ohalrightthen · 01/12/2020 15:18

Just asked my parents (40+ years). Mum says "good communication and realistic expectations", Dad says "be interested in her interests even if they're not interesting" and they both said make time for each other, even when there isn't any time, and if you've got the money for it take a holiday just the two of you every year or so.

Original poster

Princessleila86 · 01/12/2020 15:22

yes the older generation are fully invested in the notion of it as they have never known any different and things were a lot different 30/40 years ago ending a marriage because of discontentment or for any reason was very much tabooed

that wasn't really my question it was more on todays society

OP posts:

Smallsteps88 · 01/12/2020 15:24

and im really starting to question whether a finding a partner and getting married is actually the be all and end all of achievement in life (which is how its been sold for donkeys years)

Whose been telling you this? I’ve never been under the impression marriage is the be all and end all of life!

Seafog · 01/12/2020 15:29

But we are still today's society...we don't stop existing because we are part of the long term married
I had loads of options, I could have just had fwbI could have kept casually dating, we could have just lived together, as lots of people do.
I wasn't lacking choice, or worried about what anyone else thought.

Original poster

Princessleila86 · 01/12/2020 15:32

but you have completely different values instilled in you from a time that no longer exists

OP posts:

Merrz · 01/12/2020 15:37

I agree OP. It's like the aim is to have one lifelong partner but I think society is moving away from that and making it harder to sustain. I agree with PP, I don't think marriage/relationships are any more unhappy than they used to be but I think divorce/separating is much more accepted and much easier now. And I think people no longer feel like they need to stay in relationships and so maybe don't work as hard at them! I think everyone probably goes through a phase where they fall out of love with each other and annoy the S**t out of each other but 50 years ago say you just knew you had to get on with it and ride it out where now people just throw in the towel. In a society where men and woman work and socialise together, it makes it harder not to compare relationship and be tempted to cheat or want a divorce because you think you have found something better

tyrannosaurustrip · 01/12/2020 15:40

I don't think people currently alive and participating in society are 'from a time that no longer exists' tbh!

I'm late thirties, I'm very happily married, lots of my friends are very happily married. I think for us, the main thing was the expectation we wouldn't marry until we were certain we wanted to be with someone forever then we'd marry. I see a lot more discontentment among people who married the person they were with at uni after a certain number of years because they felt they 'should.' Whereas I know a number of people together for five or six years who broke up because it wasn't quite right without marriage, who went on to have happy marriages because they set the bar quite high and were realistic about who they are.

I married someone whose values I share, who I still enjoy spending time with more than anyone else, who I knew would be an equal partner. Yes, sometimes I think about what fun it would be to go on a date/have that new relationship feeling (and we've talked about that, how weird it is to never do that, we've both said we feel we've missed out culturally by never having internet dated) but the reality is, I had plenty of boyfriends before, I know that the 'new relationship' / dating buzz lasts for a few months. Then its about the quality of the relationship after that, and I don't think I could find someone better suited.

I do wonder about the effect of things like porn, but ultimately I agree with a pp: probably there's the same proportion of happy relationships as ever there was and a lot more people exploring their options.

Seafog · 01/12/2020 15:41

Jesus, I am only 43, it's not like I am from the land before time.
If I had agreed with you, would you still say my opinion is irrelevant because I'm 43?!

ReallySpicyCurry · 01/12/2020 15:42

Eh? You've an odd view of things OP. Lots of people want fulfilling long term relationships for reasons which don't have anything to do with past social expectations.

My parents are both under 60 and very happily married, though by Christ they've had some rows at times. They got married after having me too so not particularly old fashioned.

I'm happily married so far.

I do think the role of women in marriage has not necessarily changed for the better. There are lots of younger men coming up who seem to believe a woman should work full time AND keep house and raise children as though she were still a SAHM. I'm not sure how they've managed to get this notion into their heads, but it doesn't seem an improvement from some of the older men in my family and community, who hold some extremely old fashioned notions about women, but who at least acknowledge that housework and childcare doesn't get done by invisible fucking fairies

Merrz · 01/12/2020 15:42

Basically yes I do think it's becoming very unrealistic and will in the not too distant future be very uncommon for relationships/marriages to last 20+ years in todays society

Smallsteps88 · 01/12/2020 15:44

@Princessleila86

but you have completely different values instilled in you from a time that no longer exists

Eh??

People alive today aren’t from a time that no longer exists! They are from today! They still exist. Are you 10 OP?

KittenCalledBob · 01/12/2020 15:46

I'm 46 and I've been with my wonderful DH for 23 years. Still love him to bits!

Fucket · 01/12/2020 15:46

Well studies show children do best raised in loving families and these are less likely to breakdown if you’re married. It’s harder to give in and kind of forces you to work on your problems instead of running away from them.

I do think some people are a little more selfish than they used to be. Whether that’s a good thing or not I don’t know.

PlanDeRaccordement · 01/12/2020 15:48

@Princessleila86

that wasn't really my question it was more on todays society

That’s not true of 30/40 years ago. More like 60 years ago. Divorce has been socially acceptable since the 1960s. Anyone married for 30/40 yrs now was married in 1980/90 and has at least a 50% chance of having seen their own parents divorce! Hardly an “older generation” that have “never known any different”

Ohalrightthen · 01/12/2020 15:50

@Princessleila86

that wasn't really my question it was more on todays society

What you're saying is that the destigmatising of divorce means that people are no longer staying in unhappy marriages. Why do your posts make it sound like you think that's a bad thing?

YouShouldLeave · 01/12/2020 15:50

I agree with you OP.

I don’t know many happy couples.

Ohalrightthen · 01/12/2020 15:52

@YouShouldLeave

I agree with you OP.

I don’t know many happy couples.

See, i know tonnes. I wonder what the deciding factor is. Socioeconomic? Cultural? Education? Religion?

KittenCalledBob · 01/12/2020 15:57

Agree - I know loads of happy couples. At least they seem really happy anyway!

pinbinpin · 01/12/2020 15:57

I'm not sure about the sex being inevitably boring - most of the middle aged couples I know who have survived the hard, young kids part, or are in new relationships post divorce etc seem to be reporting a new found interest in sex again and lots saying it is much better now.

Love51 · 01/12/2020 15:58

So if you got married aged 27 and have been married 40 years you are 67.
Are unmarried 67 year olds getting better sex than married 67 year olds? I doubt it!

Some of us like a long term monogamous relationship. I couldn't be doing with a new partner every other year. Also, STDs, ugh. Further also, I'm very particular about letting people into my inner circle, but it is like Royston Vasey - full of very odd people, and you will never leave.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/12/2020 15:58

What age range are you specifically cutting off I'm 42, been with DH 18 years and am very happy

Inextremis · 01/12/2020 16:00

You can't be in a long term marriage/relationship until you've reached a certain age, because you have to be in that relationship for many years before you've been in it for many years! Therefore, you can't say things have changed for those who are young at the moment, because they haven't had the time to see whether their relationships will last or not! Most of us older people will have had several trial relationships before we hit on the one that sticks - so there's time for the youngsters yet. Come back and ask the same question in 20 years or so, OP :)

Flip

1 2 3 4