are long term relationships & marriages past their societal sell buy date

[Princessleila86]

so having read a lot of threads on here and in my own experiences it seems a lot of marriages / long term relationships just aren't working like they used to

there seems to be an enormous amount of discontentment in todays society/relationships and im really starting to question whether a finding a partner and getting married is actually the be all and end all of achievement in life
( which is how its been sold for donkeys years)

how do people realistically stay together for 20/30/40 years without driving each other mental !?! or the attraction dwindling or sex becoming stale and boring (which it almost inevitably will over the duration)

and its all very well and good just saying ah yea well we do it for the kids but that doesn't do anything to stem the individual discontentment

there seems to be too many alternative options / ideas and fantasys at the moment for anything to truly last more than a few years

perhaps i am just being sceptical but looking around me i cant really see one relationship that's stood the test of time and the people in it can honestly say they are as happy as the day they met .......even the ones who portray it to be all sunshine and roses in public seem to have cracks showing underneath the façade

i appreciate some seem to have taken great offence to the ambiguous title but the intention of this topic wasn't really to get dragged down a generational rabbit hole

the topic was are relationships/marriages NOW past their societal sell buy dates

so basically if you are 40/50/60+ and are already in a 20/30/40 year marriage happy or not you are not the subjects of the post as your experiences of relationships & marriages are largely going to be from a different era

perhaps they are starting to wain under todays pressures in which case please feel free to elaborate on the changes you've seen

just commenting "yea been married 40 years still as good as ever"

isn't really what i was trying to get at

Tbh I don’t think you know what you’re trying to get at OP.

thanks for the input smallsteps really constructive

@Princessleila86

but you have completely different values instilled in you from a time that no longer exists

Eh?

I'm 66 and have never felt marriage is the be and end all.

Marriage still gives legal protections to women who have children, so I would advise marriage on that basis, but for that reason only - not for societal norms.

I gave input further up thread. (You’re welcome.) you just don’t seem to understand what you’re actually saying, or at least, you’re not articulating it very well. Maybe you need to go away and work on it and come back when you have something.

My mum got divorced from her first husband in 1966 (in her mid twenties). And divorced from my Dad in 1988. So I don’t think previous generations just thought they had to suck it up and stick it out.

I do think people are increasingly used to making very tailored choices in their lives, buying stuff and having experiences they can adapt to suit them. And you can’t adapt a person in that way.

The pace of life and the pace of change is very different. People often have much more intense lives, so over the course of say 10-15 years they may see as much change around them and in themselves as might have happened in 20-30 years previously, so it’s easier to grow apart or have disconnected lives.

That said, people will also look for stability and continuity to offset a volatile world.

I think I get your op.

Today's there's so much choice - pop on a "dating" site and you can probably book in sex with a random hook up in days. Affairs can be conducted without meeting. Divorce and single parent families are normal. So why if the sex is a bit missionary with the lights out and you've run out of conversation and he's got a bit fat wouldn't you just chick it all in for something newer?

And obv lots of people do.

But love is deeper than that. If you love someone and you're both invested, routine sex can still be fun and there's no reason with so many resources available it has to be routine. Yes he'll have changed physically but so would you, and most other people your age. Staying for the kids might seem boring but it's also about recognising there's a long history, this is a difficult patch, but persevering in the hope it improves rather than starting again from scratch makes sense.

We we got together in our early / mid 30s so 20 years of marriage would put us into our 50s with three teenagers. 30 years would give us freedom again. 40 years we'll be too old to start again. 50 years would be a celebration and 60 a miracle.

Maybe the secret is starting later

@pointythings

I think we're going through a time of changes and eventually it will settle. I hope that what we'll end up with is a world where there is no longer a generation of men who have been raised to expect their partners to step back from their careers, take on all the domestic burdens and still be perfectly groomed, coiffed and slim. Yes, I know that sounds bitter, but there are still so many men leaving their wives for wife 2.0 - same type, just 20 years younger and with no kids. Right now there are still too many people who don't see marriage as a relationship of equals and now that (mostly) women aren't putting up with that, of course marriages break down. The whole nature of long term relationships has to change - on both sides.

well this is quite interesting and the sort of response i was hoping for thanks

isn't really what i was trying to get at

So what are you trying to get at?

For reference, I’m 37 and have been married for 12 years. Neither my husband nor I have been married previously, or had been in a significant long term relationship.

I got married when I was 25 which was a bit younger than my friends, on average (most of them got married at around 28-30).

I have several friends who are divorced. Not extensive research but there is a bit of a pattern where, to someone outside of the marriage, there were red flags in the relationships that didn’t magically go away when the cake was cut and then marriages broke down very quickly after the wedding (under 1 year).

The majority of my friends are still married c. 10 years on, and seem happy and together out of choice.

The majority of people older than me in work are also married, seemingly content.

The majority of my parents’ friends are also still married, and seem happy. Certainly, the rate of marital breakdown with this generation seems lower. There’s lots of factors for that- financial, religious, societal.

I don’t think marriage isn’t fit for purpose. I think we’ve seen a societal shift where people aren’t as likely to remain in a toxic marriage, which I don’t see as a bad thing.

I have never felt marriage etc to be the be all and end all which is one reason I have never done it. Maybe one of the issues us that if we are lucky now, life spans are very long. Perhaps it is unrealistic for many couples to last over 50 years as people change.

@SleepingStandingUp

I think I get your op.

Today's there's so much choice - pop on a "dating" site and you can probably book in sex with a random hook up in days. Affairs can be conducted without meeting. Divorce and single parent families are normal. So why if the sex is a bit missionary with the lights out and you've run out of conversation and he's got a bit fat wouldn't you just chick it all in for something newer?

And obv lots of people do.

But love is deeper than that. If you love someone and you're both invested, routine sex can still be fun and there's no reason with so many resources available it has to be routine. Yes he'll have changed physically but so would you, and most other people your age. Staying for the kids might seem boring but it's also about recognising there's a long history, this is a difficult patch, but persevering in the hope it improves rather than starting again from scratch makes sense.

We we got together in our early / mid 30s so 20 years of marriage would put us into our 50s with three teenagers. 30 years would give us freedom again. 40 years we'll be too old to start again. 50 years would be a celebration and 60 a miracle.

Maybe the secret is starting later

yes perhaps it is , when you have had time to fully explore and understand whom you are in this world without bowing into societal conventions

yes the older generation are fully invested in the notion of it as they have never known any different and things were a lot different 30/40 years ago ending a marriage because of discontentment or for any reason was very much tabooed

30-40 years ago really isn't that long ago: there were plenty of divorces. Lots of people just living together, or having multiple partners. It was not the Victorian Age.

People are all different. Some things work for some people, some for others.

I have been with the same man for nearly 4 decades, the first 10 in a LDR, then 27 years married. No, I'm not bored, no we're not together because of the kids- they're grown up by now and living their own lives. I'm with him because I like it! We have fun together- in fact, we have more fun now because we know each other better and know what makes the other person laugh. I find him more interesting than I did because we have shared some seriously hairy moments and I have seen what he can do. It's bonded us together. That slightly grizzled man who has been through some of the worst and got through by intelligence and humour is a more interesting person than the clumsy boy I first met all those years ago. If we live another 4 decades together, that's fine by me.

My niece is married to the boy she met in secondary school 20 years ago. Marriage wasn't very common among their peers and they did live together for quite a long time first. But they just genuinely enjoy each other's company. Might not work for everyone, works for them.

Sorry, missed your previous post about not wanting to hear from happily married people.

What I can contribute though is that I was a young woman 30/40 years ago and in the circles I moved there was very little, if any pressure to get married. People had multiple sexual partners, moved on, had shorter relationships, many women in my profession never settled because they wanted to focus on their careers. The people who did get married often did so quite late in life.

but you have completely different values instilled in you from a time that no longer exists

Could you repeat that? I couldn't hear you over the pounding of that brontosaurus walking past my cave.

I divorced in my early 40’s when my children were 11 and 14, several of my friends had similar timescales (although we’re different ages, I don’t mean we all got divorced at the same time). I think ex and I outgrew each other, we no longer wanted the same thing.
My new relationship is different in that we don’t have children together (or live together), we don’t have the stresses of childcare, housework, money to disagree about. We also don’t have the same thoughts about whether we want marriage and children. We do have shared values but there’s no pressure to make a decision about changing things.
I read something about “serial monogamy” and that made sense to me. In some cases you might be lucky to find that you and your partner grow and change together or you might not but a new relationship will provide that.
I think it’s impossible for anyone to say “my friends are all happily married”, most of my friends were shocked about my marriage ending, they didn’t know we were unhappy but we had been for years.

@TheVanguardSix

but you have completely different values instilled in you from a time that no longer exists

Could you repeat that? I couldn't hear you over the pounding of that brontosaurus walking past my cave.

haha very good

Could you repeat that? I couldn't hear you over the pounding of that brontosaurus walking past my cave.

Yeah, I'm also rather fascinated by these values that I supposedly had instilled in me. Can't have been paying attention at the time, so it's very interesting to learn about them in retrospect.

Idk. I've been with my dh coming up 17 years and want to be with him at least another 17. It hasn't been plain sailing. The past 2 years have been pretty fucking awful at times, tbh, and this time last year I was pretty sure we were going to split up. I was 22 when we got together, 24 when we married and had our first baby. I was by no means a child but when I look back now, I think, god, you were so fucking young, what did you really know about lifelong commitment? But I do love him, so much, I always, always love him, I want him, even at our lowest points where I literally thought I was going mad and had to go back to therapy I really did not want the solution to our problems to be that we ended. And there is no pressure on me to stay in a marriage that doesn't work- not from family, not from friends, not in any of my circles. Nor financially, either. I do genuinely want to be with him, it doesn't define me, it isn't the be all and end all, it isn't an achievement, it's just what I want.

the attraction dwindling or sex becoming stale and boring (which it almost inevitably will over the duration)

That's not inevitable, but I think if you believe it is then you will likely make that happen. I fancy dh beyond belief, for some incredibly strange reason he finds me beautiful (and I am not: I don't need to pretend. I am one of life's less-than-averagely-attractive people). Our sex life took a nose dive during the horrible recent period we have been through, sure, but 'stale and boring' it has never been. And if it was getting that way I would address it, I don't pretend that good, regular sex isn't important to me and for our marriage.

Marriages are different. Mine is mine, and it can't be compared to anyone else's because we aren't anyone else, we are us, this is our life, we are together and hope and intend to stay that way. I don't think I have the same view of marriage as you at all.

God, that was TLDR. Sorry all

do think people are increasingly used to making very tailored choices in their lives, buying stuff and having experiences they can adapt to suit them. And you can’t adapt a person in that way.

Interesting. There's probably something in that.

do think people are increasingly used to making very tailored choices in their lives, buying stuff and having experiences they can adapt to suit them. And you can’t adapt a person in that way.

Yes, I think there is some truth in that.

@TheVanguardSix

but you have completely different values instilled in you from a time that no longer exists

Could you repeat that? I couldn't hear you over the pounding of that brontosaurus walking past my cave.

I'm 48 - been with DH for 23 years, married for 19. I was 29 and DH 37 when we married. We had a bit of life experience behind us as well as decent jobs and a wish to give ourselves and any future DC a stable and decent life. (We have one DC).
In our years together we've had tough times including losing parents, complete career changes for both of us and DC illness. I think both of us would be broken if we hadn't had each other, though there are times we've been closer than others. The thought of adding serial relationships, step parenting and break up/ divorce on top of these difficulties is exhausting to me.
I work in quite a large team with a massive range of ages. There is a definite shift in relationship norms in that range. Deal breakers to me (eg massive porn use) are accepted by many younger colleagues but they corrode trust and relationship satisfaction all the same.

I'm sure there is some truth in the 'value of marriage instilled in people' still, but not so much in my generation. My late mother though was very much of that mindset - she and I had some humdinger discussions about it. Her take on what she would do if her husband cheated was 'I would try everything to win him back', i.e. the pick me dance. Mine was 'I would serve him his tackle on a silver platter'.

When my late husband became an alcoholic and increasingly mentally abusive, her take on it was 'If I was kinder to him, maybe he wouldn't drink so much'. Mine, after trying far too many things, was to divorce him.

I don't think I'm that unusual for my age (52) in not putting up with shit from husbands. Or wives.

We make each other better people together.