Moaning about his share of parenting

[HannahAD]

Me and my bf have a 16 month old boy and he’s a handful and is very clingy. I am a stay at home mum and my Bf usually works but due to COVID he’s been off since April. He thinks washing dishes and bottles at night is enough parenting and if I ask him to help with anything else or take our son while I shower or get dressed he make it very obvious that he doesn’t want to. Our son still wakes during the night and by the time I finally get to bed at night after doing bedtime and house work it’s about 11 and then I’m up multiple times during the night and son usually wakes very early. I’m exhausted and need more help but he makes such a big deal about it Id rather just struggle myself. Tonight I asked him to bath him because I had a sore back and he told me he shouldn’t need to dress him or change him because he’s done his share of parenting for the day. Has anyone else experienced this?

If you're asking if it's normal, no, no, it isn't.

Does he actually like your child?

He is a boyfriend and your a SAHM. Time to change that...sounds like you would be better on your own. Your not married, and are leaving yourself vulnerable financially.

@category12 he loves him but he never plays with him or really spend any quality time with him.

So in what way does he love him then? You can't just say it, you have to show it. He should want to do this and he should want to take his share of the care off you.

I suppose your right he doesn’t really show it. He grew up without an active father and it baffles me that he would want that for his child too.

He sounds quite selfish.
Does he struggle to manage/understand your toddlers needs do you think. Or can he literally just not be bothered?

Do they do anything one on one, like special daddy son time or activities just they do together?

He doesn't love him, he likes the idea of having a son but not any of the work that goes into having a child, don't mistake that for love.
Imagine if you felt like that too, your son would be totally neglected.
he will winder why his son doesn't love him or want to spend any time with him when he's bigger and will start kicking off because of it, you mark your words.
I've been there and my son sees my ex husband once a year only and very grudgingly.

Would your life be easier or harder without him in it? It’s not just childcare he’s swerving if you’re cleaning and tidying till 11 at night. He sounds worse than useless. What was he like before you had the baby?

I love the point above about if you did the same amount your son would be severely neglected, maybe point that out to him. He's useless and sounds like he makes your and your son's lives worse not better. If you leave him he'll have to have him one on one, potentially 50% of the time. You'll also get a break.

He sounds like a lazy selfish sack of shit OP. It doesn't really matter if he loves your child or not, if he's so disinterested then it's the same difference either way. It sounds like both your lives would be enriched by his absence. At the very least you need to get yourself back to work immediately. Sorry this is happening to you, but a disappointing large number of males still behave like this. It's not you.

No not at all, why are you trying to conceive another child with this man?

Blokes like this only get worse OP

He also doesn't give a shit about you. Anyone who loved you wouldn't want to see you exhausted and struggling while they sat on their arse and counted their parenting responsibilities in minutes.

That's not normal at all.

He sounds like a sack of shit IMO.
He doesn't love your child and he doesn't respect you. No caring partner leaves their OH to do practically everything and any real parent spends time with and cares for their child. He's just a waste of space.

You're practically a single parent anyway so might as well make it official and then at least you'll have one less mouth to feed and one less person to clean up after.

I'm so sorry that you're getting treated like this.

I can't fathom trying for a second baby with a man like this. If you're still TTC I would strongly suggested stopping, it's unfair to bring another child into the world to be ignored by their father and zap your energy and resources further.

OP - you struggle with one child in this setup. Why are you trying for another one with this totally useless man?

Yes I experienced this when I was younger and he became my ex as a result of his shitty attitude . I never made a better decision in my life and I honestly believe my children grew up to be happier people for it . I married a man who knows about equality and cooperating and as a result thry have grown up better adjusted and to have happier relationships themselves

I’m allowed to want another child. I don’t agree that he doesn’t love him, I think it’s pretty horrible to say that. I don’t struggle by myself as a parent it’s just a struggle trying to get him to do his fair share.

He doesn't love you and the baby if you have a bad back and he won't fucking bath the baby.

Even strangers who don't love your baby would watch him while you had a shower or do basic babycare.

Of course you're allowed to want another child but it's irresponsible to have one with a man who only cares about himself. You're supposed to be a parenting team so he doesn't get to have a quota of parenting that he does. You should be furious that he's ttc dc2 when he does so little for dc1

Of course you're allowed to want another child! It just seems like madness to want another one with him when you already struggle with him doing his fair share. There will be half as much time, energy and resources available if you double the number of children. You can't pour from an empty cup and he's shown you he doesn't step up. It is selfish to bring another baby into the world with him when it means you'll be even more stressed, tired and frustrated than you are now.

Is this the other thread? Op you’re confusing my brain

[quote HannahAD]@category12 he loves him but he never plays with him or really spend any quality time with him.[/quote]
Does he LIKE him?

I never once said I was TTC right now. I said we were and I realised it wasn’t a good idea and put it on hold. I’m choosing not to bring another child into the world in this situation.

Of course you can want another child, but why with a Dad who's disengaged and who doesn't want to parent the one he's got? You're already shattered doing 95% for this one, throw in lack of sleep when you're pregnant and morning sickness and SPD, throw a new baby into the mix, feeds every two hours then the older one waking up in between, a c section or episiotomy etc. I'm amazed he wants another tbf or does he figure TTC means regular sex and then it's no extra work for him anyway?

Sorry op cross posted, wise call