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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Moaning about his share of parenting

93 replies

HannahAD · 30/11/2020 20:04

Me and my bf have a 16 month old boy and he’s a handful and is very clingy. I am a stay at home mum and my Bf usually works but due to COVID he’s been off since April. He thinks washing dishes and bottles at night is enough parenting and if I ask him to help with anything else or take our son while I shower or get dressed he make it very obvious that he doesn’t want to. Our son still wakes during the night and by the time I finally get to bed at night after doing bedtime and house work it’s about 11 and then I’m up multiple times during the night and son usually wakes very early. I’m exhausted and need more help but he makes such a big deal about it Id rather just struggle myself. Tonight I asked him to bath him because I had a sore back and he told me he shouldn’t need to dress him or change him because he’s done his share of parenting for the day. Has anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:

Original poster

HannahAD · 01/12/2020 00:18

@SleepingStandingUp how can you ask someone if they like their child? Seems pretty weird to me that that’s a question that you would ask.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2020 00:18

Honestly op it would be a deal breaker. I'd rather an absent not present father than one sitting there ignoring the kid.

AIMD · 01/12/2020 00:18

I’ve missed the info about trying to conceive another child somehow??!!
Of course it’s fine to want another child. However it would be more sensible to sort out the issues with your partners lacks of parenting skills first. Otherwise they will only be doubled.

I can imagine over time a huge amount of resentment will build up, if he doesn’t start to pull his weight. He’ll also have no relationship with his own child....which is pretty sad.

Do you ever go out anywhere meaning he has to look after his child alone? What happens if you have a day out or evening out with friends?

Original poster

HannahAD · 01/12/2020 00:20

He does take him if needed but due to COVID I haven’t went out since March so it’s not really an issue right now

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2020 00:23

[quote HannahAD]@SleepingStandingUp how can you ask someone if they like their child? Seems pretty weird to me that that’s a question that you would ask.[/quote]
Don't need to ask DH. He sits on the floor and builds Lego and draws pics for DS to make and puts him to bed every night. He shares his food with the always eating twins and puts them to bed and kisses them good morning and cuddles them.

But your DP, whilst I'm sure he loves your son, doesn't seem to like him. Nothing against your son, he's at an awesome age and I'm sure he's a darling. But when you like someone you make an effort, you want to do things with them. Even if you're not sure how, you want to try and make them happy.

Is he doing any of that of has he worked out the bare minimum he can get away with to keep your comments to a minimum?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2020 00:24

@HannahAD

He does take him if needed but due to COVID I haven’t went out since March so it’s not really an issue right now

Are you shielding? Did you not leave the house at all once lockdown ended? Shopping? Coffee?

AIMD · 01/12/2020 00:25

Maybe doing something where little one has to be left with him would be useful. I know there not many options at the moment with covid but arranging things like a walk with a friend or to do some Xmas shopping while he has the baby, might mean he had to step up.

I used to find (before I lost my shit with my husband about how little he was doing) that when I was out of the house my husband would do what needs to be done, even though when I was at home he would just happily let me plod on with it all.

As I say though. I lost my shit. Resentment built up and at one point thought I might leave my relationship because of it. It’ll wear you down if not addressed.

Original poster

HannahAD · 01/12/2020 00:26

He’s not an affectionate person at all so I think he struggles cuddling him. I know that’s not an excuse or anything but I’ve always put it down to him not really having a father figure in his life to see how it’s supposed to be done

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 01/12/2020 00:27

‘I am exhausted and I need more help’.... ‘I had a sore back and he won’t help me’...
Call it what you want OP, but my most definitions this would be called as struggling.

If you add pregnancy/another baby to this - how would you be able to take care of a baby and a young toddler? As it’s clear BF isn’t going to step up.

And you have been posting about TTC for a few months by now, including two weeks ago.

I understand wanting another child. But realistically - how would you be able to take care of them?
Addie to that your completely vulnerable financial situation - SAHP & not married - just all sounds as not quite a perfect timing for another baby.

bmachine · 01/12/2020 00:30

Have you thought about going away for a day or two until past bedtime to at least give him a sense of how much you do. My bf didnt really 'get it' until i went back to work and he took shared parental leave.

thosetalesofunexpected · 01/12/2020 00:30

Hi Op
Your boyfriend indifference attitude ,is disrespectful to you.

Its a form of emotional abuse towards you and your very young son Op..

You are in a relantship with a man child,(really you are like a mum of two children being with this man child..
You need to tell him,you feel exhausted doing so much on your own,and can he step up his game,

If boyfriend will not or can't understand this, you better off splitting up, and him being your ex,

I think you proberely better off without deadbeat of a man child he sounds useless more of a emotional drain than anything...

Are your own family and his parents his family supportive enough of you, in regard of giving you a break and as a,break??

Sooner or later your son will start to sense his dad's attitude is off,

its susprising what small children can sense, Children are not dumb,far more inituitive than society thinks,

Best of luck,
I think you need it with man child joke /poor excuse of a partner.

HannahAD · 01/12/2020 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

HannahAD · 01/12/2020 00:35

I said I recently put TTC on hold whether that’s 2 weeks ago or yesterday it doesn’t matter.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2020 00:36

Saying someone is struggling isn't the criticism you're taking it for op.

every mother is tired and feels they need help sometimes and of o told DH my back hurt, I'd sit on the sofa with painkillers and he'd wash the kids and put them to bed then make me a drink. Not tell me he'd fulfilled his obligations for the day. He isn't someone on the side to ask a favour of, he's meant to be an equal parent. And I had(have) a medically complex kid and then twins so DH didn't even get easy kids to co-parent

Original poster

HannahAD · 01/12/2020 00:37

@thosetalesofunexpected my parents are very supportive and do give me a break every Friday night which I am lucky with. I recently realised I was being manipulated into TTC so I said I wasn’t going to anymore.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2020 00:39

So why isn't HE giving you a break Friday nights? Don't get me wrong it's lovely they have him and have a bond with him, bit of their bond stronger than Dad's??

Original poster

HannahAD · 01/12/2020 00:40

He has some mental health issues and says that parenting stresses him out. He gets easily frustrated and id not even get a break it he had him because it would be constant texts or asks for help

OP posts:

alexdgr8 · 01/12/2020 00:42

why are you making excuses for your partner.
do you honestly think this is good enough parenting from him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/12/2020 00:44

Tonight I asked him to bath him because I had a sore back and he told me he shouldn’t need to dress him or change him because he’s done his share of parenting for the day.

You've taken people saying you are struggling as a criticism of you.

It isn't. Read the above - your own words. People are criticising him.

He hasn't stepped up and I'm sorry but he isn't a good dad based on the information you've given.

You are struggling. And it's his fault.

CandyLeBonBon · 01/12/2020 00:44

You don’t sound like a very kind person more of a judgement cow tbh

Completely unnecessary comment op. Your partner sounds like a dickhead and if you don't understand that marriage affords you some financial and legal protections if you are relying financially on your partner, then you need to do some research.

It wasn't a moral judgement. Name calling isn't a great look op, when people are actually trying to be helpful.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2020 00:46

So he doesn't want to parent him, so why is he still there?

alexdgr8 · 01/12/2020 00:47

did your partner actually want a child.
does he not see that he has some work to do, to learn how to care for a child. why hasn't he done that by now, no longer a new-born. has had time to learn, adjust, step up.
surely loving someone means being willing to extend oneself beyond what is known, or usual, or habitual, or comfortable.
why have you chosen a man like this to have a child with.
i think you really have to honestly look inside and ask yourself that.

Original poster

HannahAD · 01/12/2020 00:51

@CandyLeBonBon I don’t see why I need marriage to have financial stability? I have my own money that I have worked for and work from home for during my sons life so being a married offers me no extra financially stability. It’s not advice if your just trying to make comments on when I stopped TTC I didn’t realise I had to disclose my last date of sexual intercourse in order to get advice from people.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2020 00:53

[quote HannahAD]@thosetalesofunexpected my parents are very supportive and do give me a break every Friday night which I am lucky with. I recently realised I was being manipulated into TTC so I said I wasn’t going to anymore.[/quote]
Hang on, so he can't be arsed to parent the child he has but he's trying to manipulate you into having more kids that he'll also not be arsed with?

Smallsteps88 · 01/12/2020 00:55

he loves him but he never plays with him or really spend any quality time with him.

Love is a verb. A doing word. When you say you love someone that means you do things that nurture and benefit them. Like playing with them and spending quality time with them and bathing and dressing and feeding and cuddling. It’s not just a word you say about the people that live in your house. I see no proof that this man loves either his child or his partner. His actions are not loving actions. Stop perpetuating the myth for him.

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