Moaning about his share of parenting

[HannahAD]

Me and my bf have a 16 month old boy and he’s a handful and is very clingy. I am a stay at home mum and my Bf usually works but due to COVID he’s been off since April. He thinks washing dishes and bottles at night is enough parenting and if I ask him to help with anything else or take our son while I shower or get dressed he make it very obvious that he doesn’t want to. Our son still wakes during the night and by the time I finally get to bed at night after doing bedtime and house work it’s about 11 and then I’m up multiple times during the night and son usually wakes very early. I’m exhausted and need more help but he makes such a big deal about it Id rather just struggle myself. Tonight I asked him to bath him because I had a sore back and he told me he shouldn’t need to dress him or change him because he’s done his share of parenting for the day. Has anyone else experienced this?

[quote HannahAD]@CandyLeBonBon I don’t see why I need marriage to have financial stability? I have my own money that I have worked for and work from home for during my sons life so being a married offers me no extra financially stability. It’s not advice if your just trying to make comments on when I stopped TTC I didn’t realise I had to disclose my last date of sexual intercourse in order to get advice from people.[/quote]
Excuse me what? I haven't said anything about you ttc nor when you last had sex?

My point was that marriage offers better financial security in case of a split to the lower earner. I couldn't give a shit whether you're married or not - I was giving you an answer as to why pp had mentioned it. But you crack on with your ranty outbursts.

Best of luck.

OP does he have a single redeeming feature as a parent or as a partner? Because so far he seems to spectacularly awful as both.
If he was manipulating you into TTC when he won’t even cover the basics of parenting the child he already has, there should be enormous red flags waving about the type of man you are sharing your life with.

And youvegottenminutes is right. You’re taking offence where there is no criticism of You. He’s the useless and manipulative one here.

Hannah I’m sorry you feel misunderstood . I think people are frustrated because they feel your partner sounds just horrible , yet you keep seeming to defend him with
There really isn’t any quota of work for a parent when it comes to young children and I don’t know where he gets this idea . Personally I’d be telling him to get over that idea and pull his head out of his arse
I think ad ones children grow up and we get some life experience we realise we simply won’t tolerate the type of bullshit of people treating us unfairly as this man is treating you and your child . Perhaps that is what others are trying to get through to you? That you and only you have the power to stop this treatment by demanding more from him

He grew up without an active father and it baffles me that he would want that for his child too.

Sounds as if the apple didn't fall too far from the tree.

IMO he's not going to change. So you can either accept that you will always carry the main load by yourself and that your child will also suffer from having an uninvolved father OR you can choose to leave with your child since you're basically living as a single parent anyway. At least that way you won't be carrying the additional load of resentment.

I’m sorry if I come across Rude i can’t help but get defensive when I talk about him because I feel I’ve realised now he’s been very emotionally abusive to me for a long time. It’s hard to hear it about someone you love but I’m glad I have. Thank you all

Yes, as others already pointed out - struggling isn’t a criticism.
I have two kids and when they were young it was hard. And that is with a supportive father and an an occasional nanny.
So - the fact that you considered having another child in this situation was mind boggling.

As to financial protection of marriage - I am not sure you quite understand your vulnerability. You are SAHM as you said. With 100% childcare falling on you - your ability to work from home or otherwise is minimal for quite a while still.

So - marriage provides protection to a woman in this situation. If there is any accumulation of assets - say while you focus on the kids - your OH works and saves, or builds a pension, it buys a house - all of it is shared equally if you are married and relationship breaks up.
MN is full of threads by women who have been with their partners for years, and then had to leave their family homes, and struggled financially because they stayed at home while their partners built careers and saved money...

I don’t see why I need marriage to have financial stability?

Marriage is not just about financial stability.

When a guy agrees to get married it is a sign that he's committed to the whole permanent relationship-and-kid deal. A man who doesn't seek marriage is a fairly sure sign that he's not really into the whole deal. One foot in is the same as one foot out. That's why boyfriends make crap dads, on the whole. In their head they never signed up for it, so why should they.

Op this must be hard to read.

But please believe that PPs are commenting because they want the best for you and because many of us have been through this ourselves.

I feel like you don’t want your son to have a broken home and whilst it’s clear how much you love him and want the best for him, growing up with a disinterested dad is really tough in a kid. Yes he has you to give him so much love but if I could give you one piece of advice it would be to rethink what would be best both for you and your son. I’m glad you have your parents to support you. Best wishes

I don’t agree that he doesn’t love him, I think it’s pretty horrible to say that

It's a damn sight worse for him to act it!

Love is an action as pp said - easy to say you love someone, it's meaningless if they don't ACT it! Both to you and your son and with regard to your son living with someone who doesn't ACT loving towards him or his mother is setting him up for a lifetime of issues.

Ditto liking his son - he doesn't act it does he?! He doesn't even act as if he likes or respects you either

You'd be better off on your own and you certainly shouldn't be ttc. That would be plain irresponsible in the circumstances (not just the laziness and selfishness but you're incredibly financially and legally vulnerable too - what's the situation with your home is your name on it?)

I’ve always put it down to him not really having a father figure in his life to see how it’s supposed to be done

That's an excuse!

Assuming he's a neurotypical otherwise healthy and capable adult living in the Uk then he KNOWS what being a dad/parent involves - from being a child himself, from friends and family, film/tv/books...

Stop making excuses for him that let your son down

Time for a "step up or fuck off" talk with him - and mean it! For your son and yourself.

Name calling posters who are RIGHTLY pointing out the mess you've got yourself into is out of order! And against mn rules too so I've reported.

He has some mental health issues and says that parenting stresses him out

I have severe mental health issues, is he accessing and fully engaging with treatment for them?

I've raised my own dd as a single parent with basically no support network and on a tight budget.

Mh issues can make things more difficult but they're not an excuse either.

You're being aggressively defensive because you know what we are saying is true. He's worse than useless he's draining you of energy you need for you and your son and is at best emotionally neglecting you both if not actually emotionally abusive.

Marriage conveys protections legally and financially on the lower earner not only in the event of relationship breakdown but also if the higher earner becomes incapacitated and needs care or indeed dies (there are tax and death benefits implications among other things)

You need to stop railing at us, deflecting the anger you rightly feel towards him and place it where it belongs!

MN is full of threads by women who have been with their partners for years, and then had to leave their family homes, and struggled financially because they stayed at home while their partners built careers and saved money...

Yep and many of us have seen this in real life too!

Time for a serious talk with your bf, be very clear with him that he is letting his family down and that's not going to be accepted by you - but you need to mean it!

If you're going to continue accepting such treatment and making excuses for him there's really no point seeking advice as you're not ready to act on it.

If I lived to be 200 I would still be baffled as to why women select men like this to sire their offspring. Don't they think about the lifelong negative effects on prospective children and want better for them?!

Definitely not normal particularly if he isn't working, he sounds incredibly selfish. It's really sad he doesn't play with him or spend time he's the one who's missing out and he will regret it. Have you told him you feel this way? What's his response?

Yes, being a mother is tiring when the bulk of it falls to you. That's why it's supposed to be a partnership. Your partner lightens the load for you. They don't refuse and leave you to do it alone.

He's making excuses, you're accepting them and wondering why other people arent doing the same.

He might say that he loves his son but he isnt behaving as though he does. And he isnt behaving as though he loves you either.

He's behaving as though he can't be bothered. Because he can't.

LTB.

You'll be doing the same amount of work but mentally you'll feel better.

[quote HannahAD]@SleepingStandingUp how can you ask someone if they like their child? Seems pretty weird to me that that’s a question that you would ask.[/quote]
Well, he doesn't want to interact and he sees looking after your son as a burden to resist, so to all intents and purposes it's as if he doesn't like or love his child, which will impact on your child's emotional well-being.

You justify his behaviour by saying he grew up without a dad and doesn't know how to be with his child - that may be true, but he's now recreating that pattern for his son in front of your eyes. He's the adult & parent and he needs to try to do better than he got.

I would have a "come to Jesus" conversation with him about breaking out of this pattern and seeking help if he can't.

I would also ask yourself if the uneven split of work in the home is tolerable in the long-term. You say you're financially independent of your partner, and you will need to keep it that way, so it's going to be exhausting continuing to do the lion's share of housework and childcare on top. Plus he doesn't sound like he is emotionally engaged or supportive with you or your child, so you're doing all the emotional labour too. I would try to be clear-eyed about whether this is viable or how you want to live your life.

I would often joke i was a single parent with a lodger as I did everything for the children. Dont be like me.

Good luck with whatever you do OP. However you're both at gone yet he's literally doing nothing, that's not good enough for you or your child

He sounds like a waste of your precious time

I am glad to read your updates that you do have your own money and have been working from home. I mentioned security as you stated you were a SAHM. If you have your own financial security then I wouldn’t marry the man and certainly not have any more DC with him. We all have our stories, I had an absent father and a stressed out mother. My DH has very strong views about his role as father and will help with homework get down on the floor and build Lego etc etc. You need to focus on yourself and your mental wellbeing and take time to think about whether you are happy and see this as your future.

I’m a sahm to a 16 month and a 4 year old. DH works full time but it’s working from home and he is also studying too.

He normally baths both children together every night, reads to the toddler while I read to the little one, then he reads to the big one while I feed the toddler to sleep, cleans most of the kitchen before I’m downstairs from bedtime, does school pick up and takes the toddler, takes them out for a few hours a weekend and I too have problems with my back so he does most nappy changes when he is around.

My DH is a good Dad, he enjoys his children but like all parents there are things he finds tedious or stressful. I would say he is above average but then I think the average bar is low.

If hes not working what does he do all day while you are running around sorting everything?

He is a man child. That’s the person you chose to procreate with. It won’t change. It’s intrinsically him.

He's been off work since April. What does he do all day?

I would say to your DP that he either learns to quickly understand that it is a 50 50 responsibility for caring for your child or you will be better off as a single parent.

@HannahAD I've been where you are, about realising EA. It's very very hard to admit to yourself but well done for doing it, I didn't so I had more kids with a manchild than you did.

I think your original comment that he said "he's done his share of parenting for the day" is very telling. That's not love for your child, it's seeing the child as a burden. What does he want, a pie chart of parenting tasks?? Perhaps you should draw one for him based on what you're actually doing at the moment, so he can see that his contribution is tiny.

Advice to my younger self would've been to stop looking for his good points, and leave.

Long-term, that much selfishness is damaging to you. He is not stepping up and obviously thinks parenting is the woman's job.

What would happen if you went out for the morning (ok, lockdown, even for a walk in the park) and left him with the baby? Let me guess, TV as babysitter and loads of sulking.

@Alys20 he definitely would just put the tv on and probably not speak to me when I got back. If he goes out and I ask him to take our son he makes a big deal and refuses but If I want to nip to the local shop I have to take him