Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Moaning about his share of parenting

93 replies

HannahAD · 30/11/2020 20:04

Me and my bf have a 16 month old boy and he’s a handful and is very clingy. I am a stay at home mum and my Bf usually works but due to COVID he’s been off since April. He thinks washing dishes and bottles at night is enough parenting and if I ask him to help with anything else or take our son while I shower or get dressed he make it very obvious that he doesn’t want to. Our son still wakes during the night and by the time I finally get to bed at night after doing bedtime and house work it’s about 11 and then I’m up multiple times during the night and son usually wakes very early. I’m exhausted and need more help but he makes such a big deal about it Id rather just struggle myself. Tonight I asked him to bath him because I had a sore back and he told me he shouldn’t need to dress him or change him because he’s done his share of parenting for the day. Has anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:

Alys20 · 01/12/2020 11:45

So there you have it. He treats his own son as if he were just yours, OP.

You and your baby deserve better.

bmachine · 01/12/2020 11:49

This isnt normal relstionships dynamics..it really really isn't. The pp is right. You deserve so much better xx

justanotherneighinparadise · 01/12/2020 11:49

What ms he bringing the relationship currently OP? How would your life change if you decided to raise your child alone for example?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2020 11:57

[quote HannahAD]@Alys20 he definitely would just put the tv on and probably not speak to me when I got back. If he goes out and I ask him to take our son he makes a big deal and refuses but If I want to nip to the local shop I have to take him[/quote]
There's two options here.

You don't have to take him. Just plonk baby at his feet with a drink and a snack and tell him you'll be back in 5. Leave.
If you do the above he'll be abusive to you / child / neglectful of child.

If it's 2, you need out.

category12 · 01/12/2020 12:05

1. You don't have to take him. Just plonk baby at his feet with a drink and a snack and tell him you'll be back in 5. Leave.
But even that is spoon-feeding the guy beyond necessary. A normal father is perfectly capable of providing care, food and drink for their child while the mother nips to the shops.

Op, you've really picked a dud here. Stop making excuses for him, he's a shit dad and shit partner.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2020 12:15

Well yes indeed category but I have sympathy with the kid and in my head envisaged op taking an hour. You're right tho.

Option 1. Tell him you're popping to the shops and will be back shortly

AIMD · 01/12/2020 13:04

I think you need to be clear with him that he needs to step up or your relationship is at risk. If he f doesn’t listen to your concerns the I guess the bottom line is you need to decide if you want you and your child to put up with that long term.

TicTacTwo · 01/12/2020 13:20

All parents struggle sometimes. It doesn't mean that you're a bad mum- it just means it's a difficult patch. I'm a single parent of teens and there's been hard and easy times. It's the nature of life and parenting.

Having a crap parent isn't an excuse to be a crap parent. It often motivates people to do better.

Your updates are very worrying. You must have seen Dads taking out babies on their own. That's normal behaviour. My ex preferred taking baby out and about rather than cuddling - the baby loves it as there's new stuff to see, hear etc

It's a catch-22- the less you partner does, the more baby feels uneasy and the more you help him, the more your baby prefers you over Dad. It's hard and awkward for al parents at the start and he needs to get stuck in. You've struggled and learned your child's cues and have found the best ways for you to comfort baby- your partner needs to do the same.

I suspect that even Prince William will do bath time when he's at home. It's not acceptable for him to be aloof emotionally and practically- it's going to do harm to your son's self-esteem.

Smallsteps88 · 01/12/2020 13:42

You say he has no father figure to teach him how to be a parent. (He had a female parent teaching him- interesting he has decided that lifetime lesson wasn’t worth paying any attention to because it came from a woman) so if he had no father figure, that means he had no-one around to teach him how to love a partner- and yet he managed to be nice enough to you for long enough to convince you to create a child with him. Funny that. Almost like he knows how to do it, when it suits him.

CandyLeBonBon · 01/12/2020 17:31

Almost like he knows how to do it, when it suits him.

Yep!

Original poster

HannahAD · 01/12/2020 19:37

Honestly the worst bit is when we go family’s houses or have people over he acts like father of the year and offers to do things but when no ones around it vanishes. I wish people could see what it’s really like.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/12/2020 20:04

He's a performance parent and a disney dad in the making.

OP please don't waste any more time with this man, he's lazy and selfish and you clearly have a lot going for you.

You don't have to raise your child in a home where they are taught it's ok for men to be selfish and that women are default parents and carers just because they are women.

Can we help you with suggestions for support and resources you could look into that would enable you to feel confident about leaving him? By leaving him I mean splitting up, not that you and little one should leave the home obviously.

This is no way to live and you're already doing all of the childcare with no help from him. At least if you split you won't have to see him being so useless and unkind on top of doing everything yourself!

Palavah · 01/12/2020 20:14

[quote HannahAD]@SleepingStandingUp how can you ask someone if they like their child? Seems pretty weird to me that that’s a question that you would ask.[/quote]
not an unreasonable question given what we have been told about his behaviour towards his son.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2020 23:54

@HannahAD

If he says "oh I'll change his newly, make his dinner and rub his bath!" then the reasonable reply is to laugh and say "gosh Sandra, you should come over now often, he's never this hands on!"

Cimone · 02/12/2020 01:07

Tell him either you step up and be a proper father to your son - the father that you DID NOT HAVE, or you will have to be both Mom and Dad when I leave both of you. Threaten him with that and see how he responds. He is thinking you are so enamoured of motherhood that he can act a fool and do as he pleases. Tell him that YOU will be the one relaxing and doing the minimum while he has the bulk of responsibility when you abandon them both because you are exhausted and over it. Your life is like that of a single parent with the baby daddy right there! WTF? No no no no no. Dump that kid in his lap and walk out the door for half a day. Give him a taste of what it would be like if you left for good. He needs a lesson.

GlowingOrb · 02/12/2020 01:15

You don’t need to be struggling for him to actively parent. If he isn’t working, he should be doing at least half of the parenting. There shouldn’t be a discussion about him helping with bath time one night because your back hurts, he should just be doing it (or making lunch or washing clothes or reading stories or any of the million things you do all day)

pallisers · 02/12/2020 01:17

@MobLife

Blokes like this only get worse OP

This. Definitely this.

No. this isn't how normal fathers or fathers who genuinely love their small children behave (love is a verb not a noun)

But I think, OP, playing it forward, you'll go ahead and have another baby with him. Then you'll be ground down with the stress of rearing two small children on your own. you'll resent him deeply and he'll think you are a nag. Your relationship will break down. Finances will be a bit of a nightmare. He won't turn up for visits because he has other things to do. You will be the parent responsible for everything practical and emotional but your children will love him because he lets them on xbox and feeds them mcdonalds every time he does have them while they shout at you for making them brush their teeth.

You could skip all those miserable steps if you want.

LannieDuck · 02/12/2020 14:43

I may have got muddled up, but you say you're a SAHM and also say you WFH? I think that's why people were worried about your financial position.

Also, what's he like at weekends? He should be doing half then - how much does he think he does?

Flip

1 2 3 4