Found hidden booze

[northsouth1]

My fiancé (we were due to get married this year but moved to next year due to COVID) and I have a good relationship. He's kind and caring and respectful and treats me well. We've been together 5 years.

He has a history of using alcohol as a bit of a crutch when life gets too much. He's never been addicted to alcohol but gets very drunk, say once a month, when life gets stressful. He's engaged in reckless behaviour in the past when drunk. I've given him a lot of support with his drinking and been through difficult times. He's also a great support to me in an everyday sense.

He's had a stressful time at work recently. A professional disagreement with his employer. No risk of losing his job but it's been an upsetting experience for him. It was fortunately resolved today after a meeting with his boss that went well. He has a professional job with a good income. We are fortunate that COVID hasn't given us money worries.

He got drunk about 2 weeks ago after a disagreement we had. I can't remember what it was about now - nothing major but small thongs are getting on top of him just now. He was quite nasty although I didn't behave that well either so I accept my share in the row.

I notice that he tends to be a bit unpleasant before a booze blow out. Nothing major - just bites my head off out of the blue. He's been doing that this week.

Recently he's tended to get 2 large bottles of beer (equivalent to 2.5 pints) from the shop when he's stressed. Maybe twice a week on average but one of these is usually on a Friday night - I don't grudge him a couple of beers after a week at work. It does only tend to be when he's stressed though, never to be social. He does tend to drink them before dinner, which I think is to maximise the effect of the booze. He claims he just prefers to have a drink before food, which I think is partially true but, that he also gets more of a dunt that way.

Tonight he went to the shop and came back with 2 beers and some treats for me. He had the 2 beers, then we had dinner. We were just watching TV and I received a call from a friend who's going through a break up. I was on the call for about an hour and when I came off he was in the garage tinkering with his bike.

He was slurring his words which was odd as he'd only had 2 beers and had eaten a meal with them. He then fell asleep on the sofa.

I had a look around the garage and found a bottle of whiskey in the grass box of the lawnmower. I've never known him to drink whiskey, but I know a client sent him a gift to his office recently so suspect that's where he got it. We've been working from home but he had to pop into the office for a meeting about 2 or 3 weeks ago so I suspect he picked it up then.
I've taken a picture of the bottle and put it back. I originally removed it but don't want him to know yet. I have a picture which shows how much is left. There's about a quarter of the 750ml bottle left. The line is right on the bottom of the label so I'll be able to tell if there's more gone. I panicked and went through his phone when he was asleep though so he might sense something is up.

I'm shocked and alarmed about this find. I'm fairly certain this bottle is the first time he's ever done this. He gets drunk very easily so if he had done this before then I'd have noticed. Thinking back, there was a night earlier this week when I did think there was something a bit off, he was speaking as if his mouth was a bit dry. I knew he hadn't been out to get booze. We don't keep any in the house, so I never thought he'd been drinking but looking back I think he probably had some from the bottle. I doubt he had all of what's gone just tonight, although as I say if he's had it on other occasions it must have been small amounts at a time as he gets drunk easily.

He was drunk 2 weeks ago but he openly had a bottle of wine, and he wasn't drunk enough then to have had wine plus a lot of whiskey.

He knows that I don't approve of him drinking to drown his sorrows and that it makes me upset and anxious. I've spoken to him about it. He tends to get very defensive.

What do I do about it? I know that I need to speak to him. I'm heading out to meet a friend tomorrow morning - he'll likely be in bed hungover. I don't think doing it with him hungover is the answer.

Do I speak to him right away or wait so see what happens to the bottle?

Sorry this is long and not particularly concise - I'm tired and my head is spinning just now.

He has a serious problem with alcohol. Did not turn into his enabler.

Sorry, do not become his enabler.

I’d get out and get out now, this will only get worse, the drinking will get more the worry will wear you down, your not married at least that’s a blessing you need to think of yourself.💐💐

I agree. This is the tip of a very deep iceberg. Don't marry him and do NOT have a child with him.

That's what I'm wondering Geppili - how do I ensure that I don't enable him. I do want to support him, but that isn't the same as enabling.

I'm in no doubt that this discovery is serious and suggests that things are worse than I realised. The secretive element of it is a one off - he's never done that before. That doesn't excuse it, certainly, but it's not, at this stage, a pattern of behaviour. If it happened again I wouldn't be able to get past the deceit.

I'm certainly not going to be enabling it. What I'm not sure about is how to deal with it in a way that doesn't enable.

He's a good egg, but hasn't had an easy time of it. The using alcohol as a crutch started when his mother was ill. She brought him up on her own. Her illness took a toll on him, and how well he cared for her is one of the reasons that I love and respect him.

Bless you OP you sound lovely and understanding.

Please be careful of this kind of thinking:

The secretive element of it is a one off - he's never done that before.

You don't know whether he's done that before or not, you only know if you've found evidence of it before or not.

Don't be his enabler, it's an easy role to sleepwalk into especially if you're kind and supportive.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I very very rarely say this, but I would leave him. My dad was (is) an alcoholic, i spent my childhood finding bottles of vodka hidden around the house. It's disgusting and I hate the thought of other people going through that.

How do you know the secretive element is a one off? He's hiding it from you.

You don't need to see what happens to the bottle. What would you be waiting for? He's drinking it, in secret, and gone to the trouble of hiding it in the lawnmower. What does it matter if he finishes the bottle or not?

If you confront him, even if he gets help, you'll never be able to fully trust him again.

Honestly? I wouldn't consider marrying someone who binge drinks and is now secret drinking. I don't think whether you approve or don't approve makes a jot of difference. Run for the hills OP.

It's a very hard question to answer! You would be enabling him by taking over the problem, a bit like you are doing by measuring the booze left. One powerful thing to do is to join AA yourself to get info and support for you. I would not be at all surprised if he hasn't done this habitually. I lived with an alcoholic stepfather and my mother spent forty years telling us Daddy was cutting down his drinking. She policed him, nagged him, threatened him, cried, had love affairs, got violent but he never stopped drinking. He used to hide booze everywhere and drink from bottles. My mother was his enabler. She never said right that's it. It's either me or the booze. She died before him and he is in end stage alcoholism now. He can't remember any of our childhood. He is a total liability. Been prosecuted for drink driving, puked lots in my house and is just so sad. Please please take the delay of your marriage as a blessing in disguise. Don't marry this man.

Op have you had any close experience of alcohol/substance abuse?

My dad is an alcoholic and he did the exact same. He hid cans in the garage/under the parked car tyres etc and drank them WARM 🤮 when he went outside to smoke (meanwhile he would have one can in the house which would make it look as though he only had the one).

It's a serious problem, one of which lead to the breakdown of my parents marriage after 25 years. It caused lots of anxiety in my childhood.

I would recommend trying to discuss this with him and try to get help (although if he doesn't admit to having an issue then there's really nothing you can do).

I found smart recovery to be great (it's not like the typical AA, they have online meetings and also ones for friends and family members

In response to how do I know that it's a one off - he gets drunk very, very easily. If this was a regular thing then I would have noticed. I never found it by accident. I noticed that he clearly very drunk but had only had 2 beers. I don't think it's a case of it being unlikely that he was unlucky enough to get caught the first time he did it. I'm fairly streetwise - where I grew up you had to be.

I realise why posters are shouting get out now. I'd probably give the same advice to others.

I think this is salvageable, if he can face up to the problem. It's not a physical addiction and this hidden booze is the first time he's ever done it. I'm sure about that.

I'm going to support him to tackle this, without enabling him. How do I go about that?

I'm not naïve about the reality of this. I'm mid 30s with a professional job which involves being pretty hard nosed. Those who know me know that I don't suffer fools gladly.

If there's any sign of it getting worse then I'll be gone, there's no doubt about that.

Also, how long ago was his mother ill? Was that when you were together? Did he have any serious relationships before you? Was he living with his mother before you? Another huge red flag is you mentioning him getting nasty before a drinking session. If you marry and have babies, the stress will go up exponentially, as will his reliance on more and more booze and his nastiness. You sound kind and loving. Don't kid yourself that this is something you can sort out. Spend your precious emotional energy on you! Free yourself from him. This is your chance. Your get out of Jail card. Just calmly say you cannot live with the deceit and desperation of his drinking. Do you own your home?

Hello @northsouth1
Sorry you are having to get your head around this
I have had a similar experience - the dawning realization that I was living with someone who was secretly drinking.

It became a massive issue. I couldn't accept it try as I might. Him regularly checking out emotionally when drunk, slurring, driving, being drunk and boring - and trying to make me think I was weird and unreasonable for not liking it or thinking it was normal all contributed towards a massive decline in my mental health.

He said it was me disapproving that made him hide it so get ready for that one!!

I really would have a serious think about the long term prospects for this. Google Al-Anon for families and friends of alcoholics.

Lastly, did you have drinkers/other addictions in your family background?

Speak to him. Be honest about what you found and your fears. Don't do it first thing when he's hungover and (I'm assuming) ashamed). Ask him to be honest with you, and see if he will seek help before things escalate further.
I don't think the run for the hills advice is helpful right now - you've made it clear from your posts that's not what you want to do.

Op maybe he appears to get drunk very easily because as soon as he has a legitimate open drink, he's necking whisky in the loo/garage.

Yes @Geppili exactly what I was thinking 🤔

Also @northsouth1 you say
"I'm going to support him to tackle this, without enabling him. How do I go about that?"

But you said he gets very defensive if you even try and raise it which does not shout 'wants to tackle it' to me ....

@Geppili

Op maybe he appears to get drunk very easily because as soon as he has a legitimate open drink, he's necking whisky in the loo/garage.

Sorry OP but this is really common. Really, really common as a tactic for problem drinkers. Just like pouring double / triple measures saying they are singles or having a hidden bottle that tops up the visible one so it doesn't look like that much is being consumed... there are so many tactics that help addiction hide in plain sight.

It's helpful to hear from posters who have experience of this.

I have no intention of taking over this issue for him: he needs to admit the problem and get help if there is any prospect of a future. I intend to seek support for those around people with alcohol problems.

I'm not, however, going to desert him over this one incident. I think he's at a crossroads and he can go either way.

My intention is to support him to go in the right direction but if he doesn't I'll bail out.

The beer doesn't seem to amount to much- 2 1/2 pints on a Friday night, on the surface of it isn't really that bad, even if it's 2 or 3 x a week. However, 2 things here, either he's only showing you the beer and hiding a bigger problem, which is why he appears to get drunk easily, or he doesn't drink that much so has a low tolerance and does indeed get drunk easily. I hope it's the latter, but I suspect it might be the former. I probably drink more than I should because of work pressures, which are high due to covid, however, rarely would I get to a slurring words point, nor would I want to, that much is too much and shows really that he doesn't have enough control to stop before then.
Having lived with an alcoholic, I've noticed that the difference between someone who can chose to drink or not and someone who has poor control, seems to show in their behaviour or mood change. Getting a bit giddy now and then but essentially being the same person can be ok, but when someone is a nasty drunk, or behaves totally out of character, it's a bad sign they have an issue with alcohol. I'd be wary about marriage to him, this could spiral downhill. The best you can do is voice your concerns, if he has an ok relationship with alcohol he should listen to you and take your concerns on board. If he's got a problem he will get defensive and deny or excuse himself.

It's not a one off OP, you said it yourself:

He has a history of using alcohol as a bit of a crutch when life gets too much. He's never been addicted to alcohol but gets very drunk, say once a month, when life gets stressful. He's engaged in reckless behaviour in the past when drunk. I've given him a lot of support with his drinking and been through difficult times. He's also a great support to me in an everyday sense.

He uses alcohol when life gets hard. When there are mortgages, money troubles, family health issues, children etc added to the mix he will be at a high risk of problem drinking again.

You are being defensive of him and robust in your decision to support him because you're a nice person, but there's a reason people are warning you that this could be your get out of jail free moment - people who have been through this before.

It starts just how you've explained it and I have rarely, if ever, seen it improve. Best cases it's plateaued and been an issue forever but not got 'bad enough' for the partner to leave, most cases it's got worse over time and the woman in the relationship has been forced to be default parent and default responsible adult.

It's not a one off as such as he clearly can't control his drinking (using drink as a crutch, drunk once a month, nasty before he goes drinking, hiding evidence, lying, defensive, knows it upsets you but still does it) read your first post back and try to remember that

Also you say there's only a quarter of the bottle left. So he has either had three quarters of a bottle in one sitting (hugely troubling) or has actually been having it on multiple days and you haven't noticed as he's hidden it well. Please keep an open mind and don't be so loyal to him that you ignore red flags.

@ Gepilli that's a good point and this was the first thing that crossed my mind. We've been together 5 years so I know him well. We've lived together for 4 of those years. When he's drinking and he doesn't leave my sight (so no possibility to drink secretly) he gets drunk very quickly - say we're sitting on the sofa watching TV, or out for a meal or a drink together. We have a downstairs W/C - there's nowhere to hide booze in there and he's never gone out to the garage in strange circumstances before. I noticed immediately tonight that there was something out of the ordinary. We're together pretty much 24/7 because of lockdown. When we go out it's usually together to go to the local shop/supermarket or for a walk.

I'm really grateful to all of those responding, including those who think I should leave.

When I say I'm sure this is a one-off, I mean the booze hiding. I'm not playing down the binge drinking, but just clarifying what I mean.

You're right that I don't need to wait to see what happens to the bottle. I'm just tired and not thinking straight. I have found him hiding booze. I don't need to see if he finishes the rest.

I'm not saying I won't leave, but I will try to support him first.

I'm having a difficult time myself at work and I've been a bit down in the dumps. You know what it's like when you feel like that, you neglect yourself a bit. He's great at taking care of me in all the every day things. Lots of small things - he goes down in the morning to make us coffee before we get up to start the working day. My work is crazy busy just now and he's been making sure I take care of myself during the day - making me lunch and after a stressful day at work if we're tired he'll tell me to put my feet up while he cooks and cleans up.

When life gets hard he really does take care of us both. He does his fair share of cleaning, household tasks etc.