Found hidden booze

[northsouth1]

My fiancé (we were due to get married this year but moved to next year due to COVID) and I have a good relationship. He's kind and caring and respectful and treats me well. We've been together 5 years.

He has a history of using alcohol as a bit of a crutch when life gets too much. He's never been addicted to alcohol but gets very drunk, say once a month, when life gets stressful. He's engaged in reckless behaviour in the past when drunk. I've given him a lot of support with his drinking and been through difficult times. He's also a great support to me in an everyday sense.

He's had a stressful time at work recently. A professional disagreement with his employer. No risk of losing his job but it's been an upsetting experience for him. It was fortunately resolved today after a meeting with his boss that went well. He has a professional job with a good income. We are fortunate that COVID hasn't given us money worries.

He got drunk about 2 weeks ago after a disagreement we had. I can't remember what it was about now - nothing major but small thongs are getting on top of him just now. He was quite nasty although I didn't behave that well either so I accept my share in the row.

I notice that he tends to be a bit unpleasant before a booze blow out. Nothing major - just bites my head off out of the blue. He's been doing that this week.

Recently he's tended to get 2 large bottles of beer (equivalent to 2.5 pints) from the shop when he's stressed. Maybe twice a week on average but one of these is usually on a Friday night - I don't grudge him a couple of beers after a week at work. It does only tend to be when he's stressed though, never to be social. He does tend to drink them before dinner, which I think is to maximise the effect of the booze. He claims he just prefers to have a drink before food, which I think is partially true but, that he also gets more of a dunt that way.

Tonight he went to the shop and came back with 2 beers and some treats for me. He had the 2 beers, then we had dinner. We were just watching TV and I received a call from a friend who's going through a break up. I was on the call for about an hour and when I came off he was in the garage tinkering with his bike.

He was slurring his words which was odd as he'd only had 2 beers and had eaten a meal with them. He then fell asleep on the sofa.

I had a look around the garage and found a bottle of whiskey in the grass box of the lawnmower. I've never known him to drink whiskey, but I know a client sent him a gift to his office recently so suspect that's where he got it. We've been working from home but he had to pop into the office for a meeting about 2 or 3 weeks ago so I suspect he picked it up then.
I've taken a picture of the bottle and put it back. I originally removed it but don't want him to know yet. I have a picture which shows how much is left. There's about a quarter of the 750ml bottle left. The line is right on the bottom of the label so I'll be able to tell if there's more gone. I panicked and went through his phone when he was asleep though so he might sense something is up.

I'm shocked and alarmed about this find. I'm fairly certain this bottle is the first time he's ever done this. He gets drunk very easily so if he had done this before then I'd have noticed. Thinking back, there was a night earlier this week when I did think there was something a bit off, he was speaking as if his mouth was a bit dry. I knew he hadn't been out to get booze. We don't keep any in the house, so I never thought he'd been drinking but looking back I think he probably had some from the bottle. I doubt he had all of what's gone just tonight, although as I say if he's had it on other occasions it must have been small amounts at a time as he gets drunk easily.

He was drunk 2 weeks ago but he openly had a bottle of wine, and he wasn't drunk enough then to have had wine plus a lot of whiskey.

He knows that I don't approve of him drinking to drown his sorrows and that it makes me upset and anxious. I've spoken to him about it. He tends to get very defensive.

What do I do about it? I know that I need to speak to him. I'm heading out to meet a friend tomorrow morning - he'll likely be in bed hungover. I don't think doing it with him hungover is the answer.

Do I speak to him right away or wait so see what happens to the bottle?

Sorry this is long and not particularly concise - I'm tired and my head is spinning just now.

@northsouth1 you could be totally right in that this is the first time he's hidden booze. But it's definitely odd to go from drinking with you, openly, to one day hiding whisky in the lawnmower.

I would have a quick look around the house and garage for more hidden booze, if you can bring yourself to. My dad used to hide bottles in the toilet cistern. We'd be sat watching tv and he'd be fine, he'd go to the toilet and 10 mins later was slurring his words.

The strange thing with my dad is that over all the years this went on, we never once saw any empty bottles in the bin. To this day, I've got no idea how he managed to dispose of them without anyone in the house seeing. My point being, alcoholics are devious, secretive and pretty inventive. It's surprising what can be hidden.

I know your situation may not be the same (and I hope it is a one off) but I'm just trying to give you a picture of the reality of this sort of behaviour - so you're going into this eyes wide open.

My friends husband used to keep those miniature bottles of alcohol hidden in his pockets and he’d swig from those when he went to the toilet or when she left the room. She used to find them stuffed down the side of the sofa. Until she started to find them as I presume he got sloppy with disposing of the empty bottles, she couldn’t understand why he appeared drunk when he hadn’t been anywhere other than the toilet. Very sneaky.

I haven't read every post- perhaps 2/3 of them though. For context, my mother was an alcoholic, and my teen years were blighted by her problem.

OP, lots of people are telling you that you could be wrong, that you could be making excuses, not seeing the truth, etc. Sometimes it is frustrating when people do this (though sometimes it is also illuminating).

So I would like to look at this differently, and assume that what you are saying about his drinking is completely accurate; I would like to put forward another possibility. To sum up: your partner drinks a moderate amount of alcohol (2 pints) twice a week, and about once a month drinks more/ gets drunk (not massive amounts involved because he is a lightweight). For the first time, you have discovered him secretly drinking, from a bottle that was a gift which he had previously mentioned to you.

The problems with this are: he uses alcohol as a crutch to deal with life's difficulties and he drank secretly at least a couple of times to get through that whisky.

Perhaps you can just talk about this, and perhaps also it is not actually a problem to drink a couple of beers occasionally as a crutch? The guilt, the hiding, the anger: these are the problem.

If he can talk to you about why hid the whisky rather than just saying - 'I am going to have some whisky now'- that would be helpful. Does he think you are overly judgemental about his drinking? Many people would not like their partner sitting in judgement over them drinking 2 pints of beer twice a week (not saying you are sitting in judgement OP, but he might feel judged...who knows?).

Is he hiding more from you? I think this might be a moment he could look honestly at that, because you have caught him doing something obviously wrong and scary.

I do think there is a chance this is just the beginning of a problem and if he can think honestly about what is going on, why he feels the need to hide, then he might be able to nip this in the bud.

northsouth

The 3cs re alcoholism are:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

If he cannot be honest to his own self, then he certainly won't be honest to you. He has to be open to getting help and he has to accept he actually has a problem; this has not happened.

You can only help your own self ultimately. He does not want your help or support here; what can you yourself do; your job and life experiences make no odds. You are too close to this to be of any real use to him, he does not want your help and support.

You are playing out the usual roles here associated with such problem drinkers; those of codependent partner, provoker and enabler. You have to yourself acknowledge your own parts in this.

I would also think long and hard about whether you want to embark on marriage with him. I think you would be foolish to do so because his primary relationship is really with drink, not you. He is also self medicating any and all of his mental health issues with alcohol, itself a depressant.

I would suggest you contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to people affected by another person's drinking.

^he goes down in the morning to make us coffee before we get up to start the working day. My work is crazy busy just now and he's been making sure I take care of myself during the day - making me lunch and after a stressful day at work if we're tired he'll tell me to put my feet up while he cooks and cleans up.

When life gets hard he really does take care of us both. He does his fair share of cleaning, household tasks etc.^

I would be having a deep clean of the kitchen. Plenty of opportunities bold above to be sneaking alcohol.
Someone doesn't just start off hiding booze in the lawnmower. They'll have other hiding places.
My guess, he's regularly topping up with vodka in the kitchen.

His consumption levels are all over the place.
Regularly drinks 2 large beers but adding 1-2 bottles of wine has him really drunk?
And apparently really drunk on one or two bottles of wine but can neck 3/4 bottle of whiskey in the time you're in a call?

If he's so drunk on just 1-2 bottles wine, he's not going to be able to drink that much whiskey. Which means multiple secret drinking sessions.

If he regularly drinks that much beer, I doubt he'd be so drunk off even 2 bottles of wine, indicating he's topping up.

Think OP. I know you don't want to see it. And don't want to believe its gotten so bad, but what you're saying doesn't add up.

As far as not enabling : he cleans his own mess, wet bed, vomit up.
Don't tell him you found the whisky, ask him how he got so drunk, what he drank, where is the bottles and where/when did he get them.
See if he lies.

Don't marry him. You've got way more assets therefore way more to lose.
Postpone indefinitely for now.

I hope you’re not relying on his income OP, as he sounds like he’s walking down a road that will see him unemployed in the near future.

We have an open plan kitchen, living and dining room. There’s no prospect that he’s secretly drinking in the kitchen. I’m usually sitting at the island working or talking to him during the times he’s making food etc. I have already explained this.

It’s not that I’m naive, it’s just that the making food etc doesn’t give opportunity to drink. I suppose the coffee does but he’s not going to the garage then, I’d hear him because the entrance to the garage is directly under our bed. It’s a noisy door. There’s a possibility he’s been storing it elsewhere but I doubt it.

I’ve searched the house top to bottom last night, for hours, it’s a minimalist house. There’s no other hidden booze. I’ve looked in every corner of every cupboard in every room. I’ve searched every corner of the garage too. There’s nothing else. I even checked all of the garden and his car.

I don’t think he had all of the whiskey last night. I think he’s been drinking it over the past 2 weeks. His behaviour has been odd over the past 2 weeks. He got very drunk 2 weeks ago, and was openly drinking on that occasion. I suspect he may have topped up with the whiskey then. It was a couple of days after the office trip.But he must have had quite a lot of it last night. I’ve never seen him wet himself and he’s only had 2 beers.

There was, as I say, a night when he hadnt drunk even 2 beers and his speech did seem odd. It did strike me as odd at the time.

So I think the whiskey has been opportunistic and consumed over the past 2 weeks.

It’s a worrying trend but I do think it’s a decent development.

Because I worry about his drinking it’s crossed my mind that it could develop into secret drinking so I do keep an eye on him. I think that’s why I’ve noticed odd behaviour these past 2 weeks.

Going to meet a friend now but will respond further. I do know that he’s been drinking more under my nose for the past 2 weeks. But I’ve definitely spotted odd behaviour even though it’s taken me a bit more time to work it out.

I would save yourself from more misery. A person cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in any relationship, neither approach works. Staying with him and searching for alcohol as you have been doing will only further tie you up in knots.

Like many posts of this type too, it’s mainly about the alcoholic rather than you. You are just as much caught up in his alcoholism and you are playing out the usual roles yourself associated with the non alcoholic.

I totally understand your need and desire to do everything you can to save this relationship. It may be that you need to do this for your own peace of mind - I certainly did.

But be careful. This is how it started for me, only we were married and had children. The trigger was also my MIL's death. I've now been a widow for over 2 years and my late husband put us all through hell with his drinking. Some people do come back, address their drinking and achieve recovery - my Dsis' partner is 10 years sober. But they're a minority.

Do what you feel you have to, but be prepared for the worst.

I was the secret drinker.

I got sober thanks, in part, to the support of my DH and I've now been sober for 7 years and we are happier than we've ever been and have 2 wonderful DC.

I am so glad to hear that you're willing to give him a chance.

How he reacts will be very important.

However, I didn't have a big showdown or discussion, I just realised I was in deep trouble and went to AA without telling DH at first.

So I'm not sure what I would have done if he'd approached me about it before I reached that decision myself.

Either way, I am fucking glad he waited for me otherwise it could have been a very different story as I decided to drown my new sorrows in even more booze.

Please don't give up on him yet.

Alcoholism is a horrible illness that doesn't discriminate and takes all control / idea of self away. I didn't want to be doing what I was doing but I literally couldn't stop without help.

OP, I replied already but my DH has said I should reply again and given me permission to say that he is an alcoholic. He is also not the only alcoholic I have in my life. My mother, my grandfather, my uncles and aunts, cousins. It’s quite extensive as you can see. They are all varying degrees of alcoholics but alcoholics none the less.

My DH has been sober for 20 months now. I tried all sorts to support him and ultimately anything I did just enabled him. It was kicking him out that finally made the difference.

My DH used to hide alcohol. But he was not daft enough to hide it anywhere easy to find. He often hid it in the neighbours outside bin. In his car, where the spare tire is kept. In a bush along where he walked the dog. There are all sorts of crazy places alcoholics can hide it.

It’s my opinion that a person is an alcoholic if they NEED the alcohol, never mind whether it’s one glass or three bottles. If they have to have it. And because alcoholism is a progressive disease, it gets worse over time. My DH used to drink just cider but by the time I kicked him out, he had progressed to spirits. They need stronger alcohol to have an effect on them quicker because they have built up a tolerance.

My mother has a rule that she will only drink after 7pm at night and thinks this means she isn’t an alcoholic. Then I have phone calls where she gradually slurs more and more then falls asleep on the phone to me. My auntie doesn’t regularly drink but when she does she binges heavily, she is also an alcoholic.

I don’t drink at all, I could say it’s because of all the alcoholics in my life, but that wouldn’t be 100% accurate. The bigger reason was because I was able to recognise when I was beginning to go the same way. A bottle of wine just on a Friday. Then a Friday and Saturday. Then a Friday, Saturday and Tuesday. Then a couple of bottles because I wanted one more glass after one bottle.

My ex husband drinks a litre bottle of cider every night and did for the entire 9 years we were married. He is also an alcoholic.

So my point here is that no one is trying to have a go at you or treat you like you are naive, but everything about your original post rang alarm bells and living with an alcoholic is hell. Even if/when they get sober, you can never forget that they are alcoholics and tomorrow could be the day they relapse and the cycle starts all over again.

It’s no way to live so please, please think very carefully about what you are going to do here.

It seems very sad where you have to check every tiny corner of your house to check he's not hiding it to convince strangers on the internet.
I hope you find a way forward OP, it must be a horrible place to be in right now.

I'm sorry op I know you mean well but one thing I've learned is you can't fix people. They can only do it themselves if they want to. No amount of you trying to make him see this is a problem will fix this. Only when he admits to himself that this is a problem, then you can support him. It may be the first incident but I bet a million pounds he will do it again. He will get more clever about hiding it.
Please leave, this will exhaust you. Don't think you can change him

I hope you never have to have the worry about Christmas that I did with my ex, the worry was horrific every Christmas Eve you’d think oh god I’d he going to be home. Or drunk in the pubs, one year he never came home, no presents wrapped it broke my heart, please don’t go through this sort of this, especially with children. 💐💐

Tbh it's his choice. My husband is also a functioning alcoholic drinks half a frosty Jack's and 4 cans strongbow every night after work. Sundays 1.5 frosty Jack's and maybe 10 strong bows. Apparently he has a small fatty liver but his recent blood test was fine . His choice and can not help with childcare neither as he becomes to stressed which is frustrating

@Christmasfairy2020

Tbh it's his choice. My husband is also a functioning alcoholic drinks half a frosty Jack's and 4 cans strongbow every night after work. Sundays 1.5 frosty Jack's and maybe 10 strong bows. Apparently he has a small fatty liver but his recent blood test was fine . His choice and can not help with childcare neither as he becomes to stressed which is frustrating

You don't have to live like this, it's so unfair on you. And your child/children are learning that parenting is a woman's responsibility and men are allowed to be horrible to their families. If not for your sake then surely it's best to leave for their sakes? Your DH has a choice, you have a choice but they don't.

I haven't read the whole thread but IME you need to get out and get out ASAP. Do not listen to the promises and bullshit because it'll never happen.
Only when they have demonstrated at least two years of sobriety should you or would consider a relationship.

I'm sure this has been said upthread somewhere..

Someone I used to work with would hide alcohol inside the toilet cistern at work. There was probably more hidden in other devious and unlikely places. Even in an open plan office surrounded by hundreds of colleagues they managed to drink secretly.

Please put yourself first OP, make sure you have strong boundaries and plenty of support

As pps have said, get in touch with Al Anon op.
You will get help and support there.

How are you doing OP?

What has happened with his work which is causing such stress at the moment?

@northsouth1

@ Gepilli that's a good point and this was the first thing that crossed my mind. We've been together 5 years so I know him well. We've lived together for 4 of those years. When he's drinking and he doesn't leave my sight (so no possibility to drink secretly) he gets drunk very quickly - say we're sitting on the sofa watching TV, or out for a meal or a drink together. We have a downstairs W/C - there's nowhere to hide booze in there and he's never gone out to the garage in strange circumstances before. I noticed immediately tonight that there was something out of the ordinary. We're together pretty much 24/7 because of lockdown. When we go out it's usually together to go to the local shop/supermarket or for a walk.

Does your toilet not have a cistern, then?

Hi Op how was your day?

@PurpleThistles84

If he gets drunk easily, he is most likely actually drinking in secret before having his two beers.

If he gets grumpy and picks fights before binging, he is likely doing it deliberately to engineer a fallout to justify the drinking.

Alcoholics are so unbelievably devious OP. They are masters at getting a hold of alcohol. I highly doubt this is a one off.

If you want to support him but not enable him, the only way you can do this is to live your own life and leave him to his. You cannot police his alcohol, you cannot arrange his gp appointments, you cannot be his counsellor. He needs to deal with his alcohol issues himself, in every way. If he won’t address it then the best way you can support him is to leave. It is often said that an alcoholic usually has to reach their rock bottom before they accept their addiction and begin to seek help. While he has you as a safety net, he may never do this and alcoholism is progressive.

I reckon he does drink more that you have realised. Going from a couple of beers to hiding a bottle of whisky in the lawnmower is a huge jump, he'll have been hiding bottles and drinking for some time.

As for not being able to drink in the downstairs WC, have you checked what's in the cistern? There'll be loads of hiding places in the house you've never even thought of.