Found hidden booze

[northsouth1]

My fiancé (we were due to get married this year but moved to next year due to COVID) and I have a good relationship. He's kind and caring and respectful and treats me well. We've been together 5 years.

He has a history of using alcohol as a bit of a crutch when life gets too much. He's never been addicted to alcohol but gets very drunk, say once a month, when life gets stressful. He's engaged in reckless behaviour in the past when drunk. I've given him a lot of support with his drinking and been through difficult times. He's also a great support to me in an everyday sense.

He's had a stressful time at work recently. A professional disagreement with his employer. No risk of losing his job but it's been an upsetting experience for him. It was fortunately resolved today after a meeting with his boss that went well. He has a professional job with a good income. We are fortunate that COVID hasn't given us money worries.

He got drunk about 2 weeks ago after a disagreement we had. I can't remember what it was about now - nothing major but small thongs are getting on top of him just now. He was quite nasty although I didn't behave that well either so I accept my share in the row.

I notice that he tends to be a bit unpleasant before a booze blow out. Nothing major - just bites my head off out of the blue. He's been doing that this week.

Recently he's tended to get 2 large bottles of beer (equivalent to 2.5 pints) from the shop when he's stressed. Maybe twice a week on average but one of these is usually on a Friday night - I don't grudge him a couple of beers after a week at work. It does only tend to be when he's stressed though, never to be social. He does tend to drink them before dinner, which I think is to maximise the effect of the booze. He claims he just prefers to have a drink before food, which I think is partially true but, that he also gets more of a dunt that way.

Tonight he went to the shop and came back with 2 beers and some treats for me. He had the 2 beers, then we had dinner. We were just watching TV and I received a call from a friend who's going through a break up. I was on the call for about an hour and when I came off he was in the garage tinkering with his bike.

He was slurring his words which was odd as he'd only had 2 beers and had eaten a meal with them. He then fell asleep on the sofa.

I had a look around the garage and found a bottle of whiskey in the grass box of the lawnmower. I've never known him to drink whiskey, but I know a client sent him a gift to his office recently so suspect that's where he got it. We've been working from home but he had to pop into the office for a meeting about 2 or 3 weeks ago so I suspect he picked it up then.
I've taken a picture of the bottle and put it back. I originally removed it but don't want him to know yet. I have a picture which shows how much is left. There's about a quarter of the 750ml bottle left. The line is right on the bottom of the label so I'll be able to tell if there's more gone. I panicked and went through his phone when he was asleep though so he might sense something is up.

I'm shocked and alarmed about this find. I'm fairly certain this bottle is the first time he's ever done this. He gets drunk very easily so if he had done this before then I'd have noticed. Thinking back, there was a night earlier this week when I did think there was something a bit off, he was speaking as if his mouth was a bit dry. I knew he hadn't been out to get booze. We don't keep any in the house, so I never thought he'd been drinking but looking back I think he probably had some from the bottle. I doubt he had all of what's gone just tonight, although as I say if he's had it on other occasions it must have been small amounts at a time as he gets drunk easily.

He was drunk 2 weeks ago but he openly had a bottle of wine, and he wasn't drunk enough then to have had wine plus a lot of whiskey.

He knows that I don't approve of him drinking to drown his sorrows and that it makes me upset and anxious. I've spoken to him about it. He tends to get very defensive.

What do I do about it? I know that I need to speak to him. I'm heading out to meet a friend tomorrow morning - he'll likely be in bed hungover. I don't think doing it with him hungover is the answer.

Do I speak to him right away or wait so see what happens to the bottle?

Sorry this is long and not particularly concise - I'm tired and my head is spinning just now.

I read your story and it is much like my own, I have addressed his drinking but nothing has come of it. I know people on here give you negative information but when you have kids and you love you love your partner then standing by them is all you can do. My partner has lost so many people this year to the pandemic but after a short while I was like enough is enough your either here or not but once he knew I was serious he bucked up his ideas. In some cases it's watch and wait to me he is a problem drinker unlike mine who has two bottle of red a night xx

@Geppili

Also, how long ago was his mother ill? Was that when you were together? Did he have any serious relationships before you? Was he living with his mother before you? Another huge red flag is you mentioning him getting nasty before a drinking session. If you marry and have babies, the stress will go up exponentially, as will his reliance on more and more booze and his nastiness. You sound kind and loving. Don't kid yourself that this is something you can sort out. Spend your precious emotional energy on you! Free yourself from him. This is your chance. Your get out of Jail card. Just calmly say you cannot live with the deceit and desperation of his drinking. Do you own your home?

Thanks Geppili.

His mother died 3 years ago. We were together at the time. He didn't live with her but helped with her care. He owned his own flat, which he sold when we bought a house together 2 years ago. I own a flat, which I have kept and rent out. I'm not reliant on him for financial security. He had a couple of relationships before me but hadn't lived with anyone.

When I say nasty I mean him biting my head off for no reason. Short tempered really. He's not nasty in the abusive sense.

I don't necessarily feel sure that I can sort it out. I might not be able to - I realise that. Only he can sort it, and he has to want to. It might get worse, and I know that I wouldn't cope well with that, so I'd be out. Whether I'd cope is irrelevant, I want good things in life. I grew up with very little and have worked hard to get a degree, and earn a good living. I want to build a bright future for myself. Hopefully that'll be with him.

I don't have alcoholics in my family background, no. But I do have friends who've been through it with relatives and I know what it can be like.

I know that finding this hidden booze is a huge red flag.

It's a game changer.

He needs to admit the problem and get help.

I'm 99% sure that it's the first secret drinking (I know I can't be 100%)

@longcoffeebreak

Hello *@northsouth1* Sorry you are having to get your head around this I have had a similar experience - the dawning realization that I was living with someone who was secretly drinking.

It became a massive issue. I couldn't accept it try as I might. Him regularly checking out emotionally when drunk, slurring, driving, being drunk and boring - and trying to make me think I was weird and unreasonable for not liking it or thinking it was normal all contributed towards a massive decline in my mental health.

He said it was me disapproving that made him hide it so get ready for that one!!

I really would have a serious think about the long term prospects for this. Google Al-Anon for families and friends of alcoholics.

Lastly, did you have drinkers/other addictions in your family background?

Thanks for this advice.

I won't be tolerating him blaming me.

Even if he could legitimately say I cause his stress (I don't think I do) the fact is he drinks when life gets on top of him. If it wasn't me causing it, it would be something else.

Really listen to the advice here given to you by the other posters ..... the chance of this ending well are not high. he can only change if HE wants to change.

My ex was the most loving wonderful man. 10 years in he become a functioning alchoholic - I had no idea..and I have experience of traditional alcoholic issues in the wider extended family so thought I knew what to look for.

Once they start hidding it - really logically repeat to yourself what he did and where he hid it . How does one go from sneaking in an extra drink when sitting together, to hiding it in the shed in the lawnmower basket - this is not the first time and this will not be the only hiding spot. He may even have hiding spots outside the home when he walks the dog etc....

You wont necessarily be able to spot if he is drunk, his tolerance level will increase the longer he is an alcoholic and the ability to hide this from family is a fact .... not everyone turns into the stereo type drunk...

it is an illness and he will lie and he may blame you, he may blame himself, he may even try to get better, but you cant do this for him, do not have kids with him - my ex was highly functioning held down an amazing job was a wonderful husband until the functioning bit led to other issues and it became obvious , - it wont go away and it wont just stay as it is... sorry to be blunt, listen to the others who have walked in your shoes before you.... he needs to help himself if he wants to and only then and even then it will not be easy or guaranteed.

@Rach150612

I read your story and it is much like my own, I have addressed his drinking but nothing has come of it. I know people on here give you negative information but when you have kids and you love you love your partner then standing by them is all you can do. My partner has lost so many people this year to the pandemic but after a short while I was like enough is enough your either here or not but once he knew I was serious he bucked up his ideas. In some cases it's watch and wait to me he is a problem drinker unlike mine who has two bottle of red a night xx

Sorry to hear that Rach, it must be hard for you. Has your partner stopped completely?

Hi OP. I'm a big drinker myself and so are most of my family / DH family but I've got to say, as far as I know none of us have ever hidden it. Maybe because it's more normalised? I think swigging out of a bottle of whisky in the garage indicates quite advanced alcoholism though, worse than people I know and they drink a lot!

I'm not sure these LTB comments are that helpful, he sounds like a good guy generally? You need to have a really frank discussion with him. Lay you chips on the table. Maybe hold off marriage and kids until he's sorted himself out.

He has cut down significantly and we are working on our issues, we are not in normal times and mental health is a big thing so unless your partner has been like this from the start which I'm guessing he hasn't give him the benefit of the doubt men find it harder to talk about feelings, then if he still refuses to make an effort then dump his ass but all I am saying is lots of things lie deep and only talking will help you through it x

@SallSall

Really listen to the advice here given to you by the other posters ..... the chance of this ending well are not high. he can only change if HE wants to change.

My ex was the most loving wonderful man. 10 years in he become a functioning alchoholic - I had no idea..and I have experience of traditional alcoholic issues in the wider extended family so thought I knew what to look for.

Once they start hidding it - really logically repeat to yourself what he did and where he hid it . How does one go from sneaking in an extra drink when sitting together, to hiding it in the shed in the lawnmower basket - this is not the first time and this will not be the only hiding spot. He may even have hiding spots outside the home when he walks the dog etc....

You wont necessarily be able to spot if he is drunk, his tolerance level will increase the longer he is an alcoholic and the ability to hide this from family is a fact .... not everyone turns into the stereo type drunk...

it is an illness and he will lie and he may blame you, he may blame himself, he may even try to get better, but you cant do this for him, do not have kids with him - my ex was highly functioning held down an amazing job was a wonderful husband until the functioning bit led to other issues and it became obvious , - it wont go away and it wont just stay as it is... sorry to be blunt, listen to the others who have walked in your shoes before you.... he needs to help himself if he wants to and only then and even then it will not be easy or guaranteed.

You speak a lot of sense and I like bluntness - it's my nature to be blunt also. I'm sorry to hear about your ex.

I'd like to clarify a couple of things, though. I'm not defending or in denial, just trying to ensure clarity. I don't think it's an increase in tolerance because of secret drinking. I know that this is common with those with drink problems, but he's definitely just a lightweight.

He's not sneaking extra drinks when we sit together - there's never been an instance of that. There have been several occasions when I know 100% how much he's had to drink and there's been no chance that he's secretly had more. What I'm describing is us sitting on the sofa. He has 2 large bottles of beer (630ml each so about 2.5 pints total) over say 2 hours and it's after that he slurs his words a bit. He's fine if he's eaten but if he has them before dinner he'd slur a bit. This happens when we haven't been out of each other's sight for hours, so no opportunity to secretly drink. It's not escalating secret drinking. This is the first time he's secretly had more booze.

Even if he goes to the loo - we have a downstairs W/C and he leaves the door open. Because of lockdown we're barely out of each other's sight, even when we're in the same house. We don't have dogs and we're rarely out. When we do go out it's usually together. We go out on our own less than once a fortnight, just because of the current situation.

I know that I can't do this for him and he has to do it himself.

If he gets drunk easily, he is most likely actually drinking in secret before having his two beers.

If he gets grumpy and picks fights before binging, he is likely doing it deliberately to engineer a fallout to justify the drinking.

Alcoholics are so unbelievably devious OP. They are masters at getting a hold of alcohol. I highly doubt this is a one off.

If you want to support him but not enable him, the only way you can do this is to live your own life and leave him to his. You cannot police his alcohol, you cannot arrange his gp appointments, you cannot be his counsellor. He needs to deal with his alcohol issues himself, in every way. If he won’t address it then the best way you can support him is to leave. It is often said that an alcoholic usually has to reach their rock bottom before they accept their addiction and begin to seek help. While he has you as a safety net, he may never do this and alcoholism is progressive.

@imamearcat

Hi OP. I'm a big drinker myself and so are most of my family / DH family but I've got to say, as far as I know none of us have ever hidden it. Maybe because it's more normalised? I think swigging out of a bottle of whisky in the garage indicates quite advanced alcoholism though, worse than people I know and they drink a lot!

I'm not sure these LTB comments are that helpful, he sounds like a good guy generally? You need to have a really frank discussion with him. Lay you chips on the table. Maybe hold off marriage and kids until he's sorted himself out.

I know that he isn't drinking frequently to excess, because of how much of a lightweight he is and because we're basically together almost 100% of the time just now.

But you're right that secretly drinking whisky in the garage is a sign of a more serious issue.

He's been stressed about something at work - it's been the most worked up I've ever seen him about anything, which I think has triggered this incident. It's been an extremely upsetting 6 weeks, that was today resolved to his satisfaction. It doesn't excuse it, nor does it mean it'll be a one off. But I think that it is the causal link.

He is a very good guy generally and I know that he's struggling with his mental health just now.

I think it'll turn on what he has to say. I think that I need to make clear that it's me or the booze.

OP, the thing is that you don't have a drinking problem, you've not previously lived with someone who has one, and you're thinking like a moderate social drinker. It's normal to have a couple of beers on the sofa in the evening, you're together on the sofa all evening, ergo he can't possibly be secretly drinking because you can't see where he'd get the opportunity. Presumably you don't spend every minute of the day in each other's company. I'm sorry to say, what appears to be him getting drunk easily on 2 beers is most likely the result of pre-loaded secret drinks earlier in the day. Heavy drinkers don't necessarily wait til evening.

Hello @northsouth1

I'm going to offer you a different perspective. Apologies for length.

My husband's mental health precipitated a period of serious alcohol abuse which went unnoticed by me, and those around us, for quite some time. Long story short, it came to a head when he was arrested for drink driving following a fight with another driver. My own mother was in the car and had no idea he was drunk. He wasn't just slightly over, he was almost 4 times the limit. I cannot tell you how much he loathes drink drivers as an indication of how 'lost' and how ill he was.

He spiralled. I watched a beautiful, kind, wonderful husband and father slip away into a dark and impenetrable world of alcohol abuse. There followed the longest, most horrendous year of my life while I fought to get him back. He went missing regularly. He was violent and verbally abusive to me. He hid booze everywhere (I remember finding vodka in the children's dressing-up box). He climbed out of windows at night to get alcohol. It was sheer hell. Against a backdrop of people telling me over and over to leave him, I stayed and did everything in my power to get him back. I kept thinking 'what if this happened to me?'

We put him through rehab. That sort of helped. AA and the 12 steps was hopeless for him (their success rates are actually surprisingly low) and he used the meetings as a chance to sneak off and get drunk. What actually cracked it in the end was a combination of tough love (I confiscated his wallet for over a year), medication, therapy, meditation and studied mindfulness (Buddhism, as it happens). But he got there. We got there.

I guess I'm saying that it can be done and your relationship can be saved, but it is a long and difficult journey. It sounds to me like your husband is on the precipice. As previous posters have said, it's the 'alcohol as crutch' that is the issue, not the quantity that he is currently drinking (or that he lets you see that he's drinking). You also can't effect change until he is prepared to discuss/accept it. That is a huge stumbling block in itself.

I wish you luck. Take care of yourself. X

@Grimsknee

OP, the thing is that you don't have a drinking problem, you've not previously lived with someone who has one, and you're thinking like a moderate social drinker. It's normal to have a couple of beers on the sofa in the evening, you're together on the sofa all evening, ergo he can't possibly be secretly drinking because you can't see where he'd get the opportunity. Presumably you don't spend every minute of the day in each other's company. I'm sorry to say, what appears to be him getting drunk easily on 2 beers is most likely the result of pre-loaded secret drinks earlier in the day. Heavy drinkers don't necessarily wait til evening.

I know that you mean well and you're probably really frustrated because it may seem that I'm in denial.

I do know what is involved with alcoholics. I've known alcoholics and those who've lived with them. I've also read widely on the matter so I'm eyes wide open to reality.

He's not a social drinker. He drinks when he's miserable and often alone. When he drinks socially with me it's usually in moderation and it's infrequent - neither of us socialise much even in normal times.

The drinking at home and getting pissed because life is getting on top of him is alcohol abuse. He's not addicted but abuses it and has an emotional reliance on it when times are hard. I've ready about this type of alcohol abuse. It takes a different form to the everyday drinkers. Having said that, finding this bottle, which I believe is the first instance of hiding alcohol, suggests that things have escalated.

We are currently working from home. We spend an unhealthy amount of time together at present. We have a large open plan kitchen/living/dining room. We both work in that room all day. When we go out for fresh air we go together. When we go to the supermarket we go together. If he just fancies a walk for air he asks me to chum him along. We spend virtually all of our time in the same room. I do realise that's difficult to believe. We get up at the same time and go to bed at the same time.

I'm well aware that there is a possibility that he could drink earlier in the day before having the beers later. Owing to present circumstances, that is highly unlikely. We're genuinely barely out of each other's sight in the house.

It's worrying that he hides it but I'm not sure he is drinking the amounts pps seem to think he is.

He has 2 bottles of beer and that's only occasionally, and the whiskey could have been there for a while. He might only have 1 or 2 shots of that occasionally too.

Not saying there isn't a problem, or that it should be ignored, but it doesn't seem particularly excessive at the moment

@ThreeImaginaryBoys

Hello *@northsouth1*

I'm going to offer you a different perspective. Apologies for length.

My husband's mental health precipitated a period of serious alcohol abuse which went unnoticed by me, and those around us, for quite some time. Long story short, it came to a head when he was arrested for drink driving following a fight with another driver. My own mother was in the car and had no idea he was drunk. He wasn't just slightly over, he was almost 4 times the limit. I cannot tell you how much he loathes drink drivers as an indication of how 'lost' and how ill he was.

He spiralled. I watched a beautiful, kind, wonderful husband and father slip away into a dark and impenetrable world of alcohol abuse. There followed the longest, most horrendous year of my life while I fought to get him back. He went missing regularly. He was violent and verbally abusive to me. He hid booze everywhere (I remember finding vodka in the children's dressing-up box). He climbed out of windows at night to get alcohol. It was sheer hell. Against a backdrop of people telling me over and over to leave him, I stayed and did everything in my power to get him back. I kept thinking 'what if this happened to me?'

We put him through rehab. That sort of helped. AA and the 12 steps was hopeless for him (their success rates are actually surprisingly low) and he used the meetings as a chance to sneak off and get drunk. What actually cracked it in the end was a combination of tough love (I confiscated his wallet for over a year), medication, therapy, meditation and studied mindfulness (Buddhism, as it happens). But he got there. We got there.

I guess I'm saying that it can be done and your relationship can be saved, but it is a long and difficult journey. It sounds to me like your husband is on the precipice. As previous posters have said, it's the 'alcohol as crutch' that is the issue, not the quantity that he is currently drinking (or that he lets you see that he's drinking). You also can't effect change until he is prepared to discuss/accept it. That is a huge stumbling block in itself.

I wish you luck. Take care of yourself. X

Many thanks for taking the time to provide such a detailed response.

You are one brave and strong lady. It sounds like you've been to hell and back x

@Flaxmeadow

It's worrying that he hides it but I'm not sure he is drinking the amounts pps seem to think he is.

He has 2 bottles of beer and that's only occasionally, and the whiskey could have been there for a while. He might only have 1 or 2 shots of that occasionally too.

Not saying there isn't a problem, or that it should be ignored, but it doesn't seem particularly excessive at the moment

Thanks - I think this is an accurate summary.

The pps who conclude that he must be secretly drinking regularly make quite a leap.

I'm fairly sure that he got the whiskey when he went to a meeting at the office 2 weeks ago. That was the first time he'd been to the office since March. I know that a client had sent him a bottle of something as a thank you. He has never drunk whiskey in the 5 years I've known him. That's how I know he didn't buy it, with the intention of hiding it.

The problem isn't excessive, but this secret stash is a cause for concern.

I feel for you but he doesn't "get drunk easily" he's always been drinking whiskey so the beers you see him drink and think shouldn't make him drunk are not all he is having, if that makes sense. Hes then going to the garage and downing something else so hence why he is then drunk.

My problems with alcohol escalated after the birth of my son and things quickly got really messy. It went from sneaking drinking, more and more to blacking out, police and social services consequences.

My husband stuck by me but it was a long, difficult journey and we only just survived. I had to have enough consequences to make me want to and need to change. Just people wanting me to stop wasn't enough.
I am 11 years sober, we went on to have another child and my life is amazing but I know one drink and I'm back to that place.

I wonder if there is other stuff due to your hyper vigilance. Difficult to grasp full picture here

@namechangefail2020

I feel for you but he doesn't "get drunk easily" he's always been drinking whiskey so the beers you see him drink and think shouldn't make him drunk are not all he is having, if that makes sense. Hes then going to the garage and downing something else so hence why he is then drunk.

May I ask that you carefully read my posts before essentially telling me that I am naïve. Please don't take offence to that, but your flippant suggestion that he is always drinking whiskey secretly on top shows that perhaps some facts have been overlooked.

He has a substance abuse issue. There's no denying that. The evidence, however, suggests that the secretive element of that has arisen very recently.

I think that the whiskey is a one off. For the first time since March he went to his office 2 weeks ago. He had a meeting with his boss. About a month or so ago a client let him know that he'd sent a package to the office to thank him. I suspect that's where the whiskey came from. He's previously been gifted whiskey by clients and has given it away - I've seen him do it, because I have never known him to drink whiskey. I suspect he's decided to drink it this time because he's going through a difficult time and it's been opportunistic. Wine is his drink of choice to drown his sorrows.

None of this means that he hasn't been secretly drinking previously. I've explained other reasons why I think that.

Tonight he's wet himself and been violently sick. There's three quarters of a 750ml bottle gone and I suspect most of it has been consumed tonight, judging by the state he's in. He got up, and staggered across the room and banged in to the radiator.

When he binges, it'll be on say a bottle of wine and 2 beers, or 2 bottles of wine. After that amount, he'll be falling down drunk. He likes gin too but is more likely to have that socially with me.

There have been a couple of times that I've gone out to meet friends and I've come home to find him drunk on the sofa. That usually involves wine, and the wine is left out, there's never been any attempt to hide it.

He isn't routinely going out to the garage. If he was doing this, I would undoubtedly notice it. He's very rarely in the garage. The garage is accessible from the house. On the rare occasions when he goes out there he leaves the door open and I'm always floating around. He was out in the garage tonight while I was on the phone. Tonight has been the only opportunity to go out to the garage "unsupervised" as it were, because I was upstairs on a call.

@Chlordiazepoxide

My problems with alcohol escalated after the birth of my son and things quickly got really messy. It went from sneaking drinking, more and more to blacking out, police and social services consequences.

My husband stuck by me but it was a long, difficult journey and we only just survived. I had to have enough consequences to make me want to and need to change. Just people wanting me to stop wasn't enough.
I am 11 years sober, we went on to have another child and my life is amazing but I know one drink and I'm back to that place.

I wonder if there is other stuff due to your hyper vigilance. Difficult to grasp full picture here

Thank you for sharing that. Congratulations on getting your life back on track.

I do realise that he must want to address this himself. I know that I won't be able to make him want to, nor can I "mother" him to ensure that he stays on the straight and narrow. That has to be something he does for himself and takes ownership of. Possibly with my support.

Could you explain what you mean when you refer to possibly other stuff due to my hyper vigilance?

Thanks, once again, to everyone who has posted.

I'm not going to be bailing out just yet, but reading the posts here, confirms that there are serious conversations to be had and decisions to be made.

I won't be brushing this under the carpet. He needs to get help and to be honest about the problem.

I'm not downplaying any of it at all. I feel the thread has become too focused on whether there has been previous secret drinking. I'm confident that this is recent i.e. the past 2 weeks. Which doesn't make it less serious, I realise that. I'm not going to be debating that element any more because it's not relevant. It's happened once and once is enough to indicate a serious problem.

I'm going to bed now but will report back.

I think this is salvageable, if he can face up to the problem. It's not a physical addiction and this hidden booze is the first time he's ever done it. I'm sure about that.

He sounds like a problem drinker.

My ex was a problem drinker. He went to AA several times. He told me that the vast majority of people at the AA meetings were problem drinkers, not alcoholics!

As others have said you don't want to enable this.
You also don't want to be his jailor and being the one to try to control it. There was nothing worse than when my ex would ask my permission for if he could have a couple of drinks. I didn't want to be in that position. I always told him it was his choice but he knew what would happen and it did happen...every single time..he could never stop at 2 drinks and would go missing or behave like a prick or so on.

One huge issue with people who use alcohol when they are stressed out or have bad stuff going on in their life is that for many people life gets harder when they get older, tougher stuff comes along to deal with...Is his mother still alive? You said that she was ill and it took its toll on him. If she recovered from that I would worry about what way he would cope if she died and if his problem drinking would get a lot worse.

Good luck with your next move, I have read the whole thread and won’t say anything else but do not marry and have children until he is sorted. Be prepared for this to take years and if you do get married and have children then you have been warned by other posters of the consequences of living with an alcoholic. I feel for you OP. This must be a terrible shock to you. I am angry for you, you thought you had the perfect set up and partner, to have to face a serious problem now.

OP, one tack might be to see if he would agree to some form of counselling or therapy to try and help him understand why he struggles with life's challenges and from there develop healthier coping mechanisms and strategies so he can negotiate his way around the monkey poo of life without booze as a crutch. It puts the focus on managing life's stresses rather than on the drinking.

I don't think he's past the point of no return just yet but I also think there's not much time before he is.

Agree with @HomeTheatreSystem it sounds like he needs to go to the GP and find healthier ways of coping with stress- be that’s medication, counselling, meditation- whatever works.

I think drinking to de-stress is common but it’s obviously becoming out of control for him.

Wishing you strength @northsouth1 you sound like a lovely person and he is lucky to have you. I hope he turns out to be worthy of your support.