Why does she say this

[Lithium2020]

I'm in the kitchen, I'm standing by the counter looking for something to eat and I am stood next to the kettle. DW comes in, been wfh and comes down from study.

DW - do you want a coffee?
Me - ummm yea
short pause
Me - actually can I have a tea
DW - "Well make it yourself, you're stood next to the kettle so do it yourself. And I will have a coffee"
Me ... silence.. and then make the drinks

We've had counselling - she was told that she needs to work on her "delivery". I just don't understand why she talks to me like that... I feel so small.

I'm I in the wrong for being too sensitive? Will she ever change. For years I just let it pass me by, then a while back I started being a bit more assertive but its caused friction

What lead to the counselling? Did anything change afterwards? Does she always treat you like this?

You need to start being more assertive and stick to it. Change takes time and there will be friction at first because you have allowed her behaviour without confrontation. Nows the time to remind her of what the counsellor said and put your foot down!

She sounds as rude as hell and controlling as well. Who does she think she's talking to like that. So you standing up and being assertive causes an issue for her? I wouldn't want to live with someone who treats me this way.

Sounds like she’s just done with you, and too afraid to end it for whatever reason.

I had a breakdown, eventually hauled myself to the GP and got referred to therapy. Trying to improve my assertiveness came from counselling. But it caused so much friction. Counsellor said couples counselling was way forward. I've tried but said I don't want to carry on. I felt my voice wasn't being heard.

Gosh I wish I had reminded her about what was said at therapy. I'm just not emotionally intelligent enough. I mean just making the drinks was the easiest option.

@YouShouldLeave Yes, perhaps. I admitted to her that at the moment I wasn't attracted to her because of how I felt and in part how I felt she would criticise me, and no matter what I did or how much I did for her it wasnt enough. She admitted being controlling in the sessions but the focus was on me - ie Ive become more distant because of the overwhelming feeling of constantly being told what to do etc. So I just need to stop being so distant and it will be ok

Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship actually for the reason you've stated i.e you are not heard. Apart from that you are not emotionally safe to be doing any such joint sessions. Abusive people can and do manipulate counsellors into taking their side and that looks like this has happened here too. People like your wife too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions; its always someone else's fault.

BTW do you know anything at all about your wife's childhood?. Did she see abuse within the home?.

Men can be abused too in relationships and it does sound like your wife is abusive towards you. What is she like towards people in the outside world; quite plausible I would assume.

I would suggest you contact ManKind and their link is here:-

www.mankind.org.uk/

What's stopping you from leaving?

Oh, op, you sound so sad.

You are allowed to leave an unhappy relationship and no one has to approve of your choice except you.

I don't know much about her upbringing. She just said her parents were vocal and would sometimes sleep in the car or hotel etc. My dad is very submissive and doesn't do emotions or stick up for himself. After a lot of soul searching I think I've settled into a relationship like my parents perhaps.

Its interesting about the responsibility - she says that its just that she is a perfectionist. She doesn't apologise she just gets grumpy if I upset her after a few days its goes away until I mess up again.

I'm scared of leaving. I have been for a while. I've had suicidal thoughts and I'm worried that loneliness will make this worse. I don't really have any friends. I've neglected a lot of my friendships and she doesn't like my work friends because they are a bad influence on me.

Ok the original post...I dont get the issue. You changed your mind and decided you wanted tea, she was only making coffee. What's the big deal if she decides you're being indecisive, so tells you to make it yourself? Maybe she only took the coffee out of the cupboard.

Unless it was her tone whilst saying it...?

As for the other stuff though...if you are making each other miserable...surely that feels more lonely than it would just being alone. What's that saying 'it's better to have loved and lost...than lived with the crazy nutter forever'. Stop flogging the dead horse and start taking some practical steps to free yourself.

Maybe she is controlling because she feels you cant do jack shit for yourself. It's the question if did the chicken or the egg come first?

Either way, sounds like yous both be happier if you separated. Be brave.

She didn’t even make the coffee in the end though, Bunny

Maybe she is controlling because she feels you cant do jack shit for yourself.
If she thinks her spouse isn't assertive enough for her taste, then she should think about finding a new partner, not push her spouse around. There's no "reason" for doing that.

OP, did you suffer from low self-esteem this badly before you got in a relationship with your DW?

She's not exactly a nice woman, is she?

What's the financial situation? Are there children? Rent or mortgage? Whose name is on the home? Are you working?

"DW - "Well make it yourself, you're stood next to the kettle so do it yourself. And I will have a coffee"
"You didn't say 'please'."
or alternatively
"Oh, that was you telling ME to make the drinks? In that case I don't think I'll bother with one".

Why offer to make me a drink, to then just say do it yourself is the point. That conversation happened in like 10 seconds, it wasnt protracted out. And it wasnt like when you are in the office when someone says "do you fancy a tea.. and then you say yea, and the person says .. ooo well make me one"

I think people are right.. there is resentment or borderline hate and its her passive way of showing me.

Honestly I don't really see anything that wrong with the scenario in the OP. I don't think it sounds abusive.
What was the counselling for?
It can be difficult being with someone you have to constantly tread on eggshells around, incase you upset them because of your tone, or the way you deliver what you say.
Obviously there is a lot more to this though. Sounds like everyone would be happier if you just separated.

But why does she resent you or hate you?

So she made it sound as if you were right by the kettle, but too lazy to make a tea yourself, when in fact it was her who offered, is that it?

Whatever, it all sounds weird, perhaps an excuse for an argument?

So the original scenario isn't particularly red flag to me. I've often had that conversation with my husband where one of us has offered a drink, the other wants something different so it's just easier if he/I makes it.
However from the updates it seems as though you just aren't compatible with each other. Did you try couples therapy for very long?

The saying
"It's not so much what she said but the way she says it " springs to mind.
If it made you feel low then it's not good.
Ask yourself why though. It might not sound like a big deal to outsiders but it clearly is to you. You need to feel happy in your home.

The only way that conversation would have been ok is if it's something you regularly do as a joke to each other.

Other than that it's a power play.

It sounds like your relationship is pretty dead in the water

Whether you add boiling water to coffee or tea is neither here nor there. I think it was the fact that I felt why make a gesture and say "would you like x"... only to then say "actually, you make x and when youre at it make me y as well"

Counselling was for three months - 9 sessions. When I said I didn't want to carry on she said that I was a quitter because how would I expect things to improve after just three sessions. I pointed out that there had been more than that but she said I had it was just in my head. Luckily because I organised it and paid for it I could work back and see each session and I was correct.

I don't know why she resents me. I've become more vocal on that I feel that I do more of the housework and organising etc. But then I've started to notice she does what she said about counselling.. she said that how can I complain that I do the shopping each week when Ive only done it 10 times over the past few years. We haven't had sex for years, in our mid 30s and I've said its an issue. She said that my expectations of sex are too high and that not everyone is shagging like they do in films. She said that I don't make her feel attractive

I feel a failure...

Op, are you the same person who posted a few weeks ago about how unhappy you are, and how you've been miserable for a very long time? If so, everyone pleaded with you to end your marriage. You do not have to live like this.

OP, it is better to be lonely alone than lonely with someone.

She doesn't like your work friends... so you have work friends, and if you leave your relationship she won't be able to tell you not to see them. You've neglected other friendships? If someone I was friends with years ago got in touch I would be glad to hear from them, so might yours. That you have had friendships in the past suggests you can build new ones now.