Why does she say this

[Lithium2020]

I'm in the kitchen, I'm standing by the counter looking for something to eat and I am stood next to the kettle. DW comes in, been wfh and comes down from study.

DW - do you want a coffee?
Me - ummm yea
short pause
Me - actually can I have a tea
DW - "Well make it yourself, you're stood next to the kettle so do it yourself. And I will have a coffee"
Me ... silence.. and then make the drinks

We've had counselling - she was told that she needs to work on her "delivery". I just don't understand why she talks to me like that... I feel so small.

I'm I in the wrong for being too sensitive? Will she ever change. For years I just let it pass me by, then a while back I started being a bit more assertive but its caused friction

@Lithium2020 a different angle and more of a direct answer as to maybe why she was like this...

You were in the kitchen she was working are you working? Do you offer to make her a drink often or ever?

On the flip side and taking this as a stand alone event she might have had a stressful morning with work and just thought ‘god would it kill my partner to offer me a drink once in a while!?’ Her communication and poor delivery might depend on the answers to the questions above. There may be some built up resentment there (on her behalf)

However if she talks to you like this regularly then there are bigger issues but you say you have been to counseling so I wonder if she has communicated with you on this? It’s a tough one without knowing more info.

To the poster who asked about why do I disturb her. So I admit that things have got on top of me and I've been physically unwell - dizziness, exhaustion, diarrhoea, constant headaches. GP gave me the all clear. It affects my sleep and I'm waking up maybe 5x a night. Resteless, or I read and she doesnt like it. I understand why!

I would understand why she treats me like this if I was lazy. I'm definitely not. That's my issue. What can I do more to stop her being so what some might say rude.

Its got worse in lockdown and now things are bad it's got even worse. I cooked dinner last night, and we just at in front of the tv. After I got up and had my plate in one hand and my wine glass in the other and took it to the kitchen. When I walked back in she just said "why didnt you take mine"...

I then have to justify myself. So I explained I had my hands full already. It's just symptomatic of the whole thing. I cant feel normal or natural ever. I'm constantly second guessing so she doesnt have any room to make these comments

What can I do more to stop her being so what some might say rude

Nothing.

I cant feel normal or natural ever. I'm constantly second guessing so she doesnt have any room to make these comments

A very direct question for you: What makes you think this is a relationship that's good for you?

Op Phone mankind as previous poster suggested.

Also whilst originally designed for women the freedom program might be worth looking at as well as believe it can be useful for men too.

Sounds like constant low level bullying- I wonder what she was like at school - what are her friendships like?

Op. Can’t you just end this? She’s rude and bullying you. It’s not ok.

' why didn't you take mine?' - I have been known to ask this sort of thing on occasion. Maybe she thought it was a passive aggressive act on your part. I mean as a grown woman she can take her own plate and shouldn't expect you to, but as a grown man you can surely carry two at once. It shouldn't be a big deal. Anyway on the same theme as previous posters... Work on what you can control and that's your own reaction and behaviour. She hasn't exactly been nice and yes of course it comes over as rude because it seems she's got issues with you (and probably with herself too) but that's on her to figure out. Duck her for the time being and sort yourself out as best you can - try reading the book 'the fear bubble' maybe. One exception imo is the sleeping thing because no-one works well on disrupted sleep so have a look at an arrangement that'll help you both be more clear headed to deal with things better.

Just out of interest were all your previous relationships the same? You left feeling "spineless".

To me it just sounds like you need to be more assertive (there is a difference between assertive and aggressive mind!) Whether she will take to that is another matter entirely.

Also if she's used to "being the boss at work" then it may be she can't or doesn't know how to separate work her from home her.

Then again I may be talking out my ass.

I don't have anything to compare it against really.

This is hard for me to write, but maybe I've always been in a controlling relationship. I've changed a lot as I've grown older, and maybe I was happy. But being in a relationship where someone doesn't want to have sex with you is hard, especially when you are dying for a family. She says that i would be selfish if I leave because she wont ever have children. I asked her why she didnt question it years ago and she said that she just hoped I would fix it and sort it out.

I've changed and I'm just sitting here thinking why should I change more. Right maybe I do need to grow a spine..

This isn’t a healthy relationship, and it’s clearly what’s causing you to be restless at night.

The anxiety, the second guessing... who needs this in their life? You’d be so much better off on your own OP (and I suspect she’d be a bit more fulfilled too). You can’t “counsel” your way out of such an obvious mismatch.

but maybe I've always been in a controlling relationship

Were your parents controlling/abusive? To you, or to each other?

OP your wife sounds horrible and intent on undermining you at every step. You would be better off out of this situation. Previous posters have provided some useful links, follow them. The advice to avoid couples counselling is also correct. Best of luck and I hope you find someone nicer and kinder in the future who will help you to become stronger in yourself - you’re still young enough.

People will treat exactly how you let them.

I don't know why or how posters are saying she is abusive and why nobody picked up on the wife's comment in the therapy session that op wants sex like in the films, i assume like porn?

I don't know how or in what world asking why didnt you take my plates with you as abusive. A nice person would stack the plates and if the glasses are empty you can easily carry 2 in each hand. It is passive aggressive to just take yours. If you thought she was petty with the tea incident then this is petty, too.

If you were waking up 5 times a night, turning on lights to read in bed at night, I'd want us to sleep separately. I'd find it very irritating how you keep changing your mind tea, no coffee, no tea and is probably a sign of how you make decisions in life generally.

Are you drinking heavily? Because that disturbs sleep.

I just wish we had her version of events.

You said you organised counselling, so you chose the therapist/counsellor. But then you say you don't feel heard. Counsellors are neutral. They dont take sides.

Don't have children together fgs.

My sympathies to the poor wife who is having a character assassination based on edited snippets. Has no one ever seen a film or show where first its filmed from person A's point of view and then person B's? The truth is somewhere in the middle.

I think you need to own up to your part of this. It's not all her or your doing.

So much of your story resonates with me... but from the women’s side. You could swap the roles around, and the results would be the same.

I wanted out of the marriage. Experienced gaslighting, coercive behaviour, eggshells, financial control. We went for counselling in which I plainly wasn’t heard either. I think I managed about 9 weeks too. It was excruciating.

‘D’H promised to change. I gave him a year, and then with no apparent change of heart from him, I moved out. I knew another 20 years would literally kill me. I realised I had to look after no.1

My sleep is sooooo much better. Ditto my IBS, allergies and stress related illnesses. I have filed for a divorce, and he’s not contested it, and we are being surprisingly collaborative over finances.

I now have a rented place of my own. I can lock the door at the end of the day. I can chose if I want to speak to him. Or not.

Things that have helped me is a) getting out and b) doing the Freedom Programme.

The FP does certainly have sessions for men, and during lockdown the sessions are very accessible as they’re all done via Zoom.

Please PLEASE don’t have children with this woman.

Good luck.

Totally expecting the 'well if op was a woman' brigade - i'd still have said the same.

@ClintonMoments
Nobody picked up on the OPs comment about sex/movies because of the way it was phrased:

“ We haven't had sex for years, in our mid 30s and I've said its an issue. She said that my expectations of sex are too high and that not everyone is shagging like they do in films.”

There is no suggestion in those words that the OP wants porno-style sex - he says they haven’t had any for years. It really is rather a leap of you to cast this man as yet another porn-obsessed sex pest.

You need to get out. Don't have children with this woman as she'll always control you regardless of whether you're still together. It's a slippery slope and you'll just feel more and more miserable.

What can I do more to stop her being so what some might say rude

You can't control how other people think and speak, only your response to them. You need to accept that and decide what you can plausibly do to make your situation better. You don't need her permission or approval to leave, she doesn't have to agree with your point of view for you to know that the relationship isn't right.

I for one do think if OP was female he would get a different response on here, and a lot more sympathy rather than "grow a spine" etc.
The little things in a relationship are actually the big things, and walking on constant eggshells and questioning your own thoughts and reality to the point where you had to check how many counselling sessions you paid for (interesting that it was you that paid) to make sure you were right because she was telling you something else says a lot. The fact that you are isolated from friends cause she doesn't like them is another classic sign.
You don't have to live like this OP. You only have one precious life, don't waste it on someone who acts like they hate you.
Your health symptoms sound very much like they are stress related. Have you got anyone you could get support from to leave? I suspect she wouldn't make it easy so you will need emotional and practical support if you choose to leave.
Its baffling that she says if you leave her she won't have children, yet refuses to have sex with you. Whatever happens she will make it 'your fault'. Can you imagine a life free from this? Where you are allowed friends, can relax at home without constant digs? Maybe in the future being with someone who would be happy to make you a hot drink as an act of affection, to laugh and cuddle with someone who has your back, no walking on eggshells, no suicidal feelings, healthy human connection?
You don't deserve what you're going through at the moment. Please consider taking steps to get support to leave. It's not you, it's her. If it hasn't changed by now and after counselling, its not going to get any better. No one deserves to feel like this. Can you access individual counselling for yourself to talk it through with someone who can help you make sense of it?

Most women detest weak men who they regard as beneath contempt, and you very much sound like the weak party in this relationship.

You could leave today if you wanted to as long as you've got somewhere to go and don't endanger your stake in any shared property. She would probably be astonished. It sounds like this relationship was over years ago. Waste no more time on it. LTB as they say on MN.

You very much need to find some boundaries/assertiveness training - take your dad along too - he's been an atrocious example for you (apologies if he's not around any more). Otherwise you'll probably just end up repeating the same pattern in future.

I personally feel that far more relationships have a similar dynamic than people are prepared to admit.

It sounds like you need to leave, she sounds awful to you but you do sound very passive/ passive aggressive and I can see how that is irritating also. For instance explaining your hands are full - in my family whoever gets up first takes the plates, my 10 year old can carry 2 plates in one hand and 2 cups in another so in your wife's frame of mind in see how that could be seen as deliberately awkward. Once this dynamic is in place I can't see it being changed and although she is being deeply unpleasant I think your behaviour isn't helping. I'd cut your losses and agree that some assertiveness help would be good for you.

Yes she does think I'm a coward. She now says that I force her to be aggressive and controlling and that it's not her fault as she has got no other option. I tried to explain that i felt that there were other options. So she said I play the victim role and that I bring it on myself. And that I'm play the victim role in the whole of my life. I've always been bullied even at work a few years back so maybe she is right.

There have been times where I have tried to be more assertive, I've tried to develop that side of me and grow as a person. But it just creates more arguments and a toxic environment. I didnt admit to her that I dont feel I have the strength to end it because I'm worried that being alone will push me further into darkness

That's a classic abuser line. "You made me do it". "You bring it on yourself". And abdicating responsibility for her actions "Its not my fault, it's your fault, you give me no other options".
I hope you find the strength to leave the relationship because I wonder if rather than pushing you further into darkness it may feel like letting some light and freedom in. Please seek help from a counsellor, I think it would really benefit you to have someone objective to talk to. It's hard to know which way is up when you are in the middle of something like this.

But it just creates more arguments and a toxic environment

You being assertive wouldn't create a toxic environment if you were with someone who respected your views, would it? The toxic environment is being created by her response to your assertiveness, not your assertiveness itself.

Your goal (and everybody's goal) in life, primarily, should be the freedom to be who they are. All other goals stack on top of this one. To do this, you have to go to the places and be surrounded by people who allow you to be yourself. And you have to distance yourself from the places and people who try to get you to change who you are.

At the very worst, you'll be by yourself. This is not a tragedy. It's something that everybody needs to know how to do, before they can have a healthy relationship.

Thanks everyone. I will seek help from professionals in order to navigate out.

I've been very naive. I've had a slow start to my career with lots of setbacks. But I've dusted myself off and kept on pushing. I'm now earning over 100k and love my job. It was a lightbulb moment when she said had you ever thought that all of your failures have affected your confidence and if you were more confident then the marriage would have been successful.