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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why does she say this

101 replies

Lithium2020 · 27/11/2020 16:12

I'm in the kitchen, I'm standing by the counter looking for something to eat and I am stood next to the kettle. DW comes in, been wfh and comes down from study.

DW - do you want a coffee?
Me - ummm yea
short pause
Me - actually can I have a tea
DW - "Well make it yourself, you're stood next to the kettle so do it yourself. And I will have a coffee"
Me ... silence.. and then make the drinks

We've had counselling - she was told that she needs to work on her "delivery". I just don't understand why she talks to me like that... I feel so small.

I'm I in the wrong for being too sensitive? Will she ever change. For years I just let it pass me by, then a while back I started being a bit more assertive but its caused friction

OP posts:

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 27/11/2020 18:05

Honestly? Some people are just rude, grumpy assholes that are impossible to be around. She sounds like a passive agressive bitch.

Honestly? Better be happy alone than miserable with someone else.

ravenmum · 27/11/2020 18:06

When you're having to search through paperwork to support you in your arguments it's not a great sign OP.

Get yourself some more therapy on your own - not just about being assertive; about how to make yourself feel happier. And have some serious thoughts about whether breaking up would make you feel happier.

JustSay · 27/11/2020 18:13

It sounds like she is fed up of your indecisiveness and last minute change of plans. Maybe she feels like you mess her about or always want to do things your way.
Any fool can see it's not about the drink.

Melaniaswig · 27/11/2020 18:15

She sounds awful and it doesn’t sound like a relationship worth saving. Life doesn’t have to be like this. You deserve better.

Original poster

Lithium2020 · 27/11/2020 18:15

Yes its me

I don't have the mental state to leave. She asked me to move into a different room because I was disrupting her sleep, and when I did she then got upset. She has said that she has some questions to ask me, and depending on how I answer them, that will determine what she wants. I agreed to sit and wait.

The reason for the post was to try and understand why someone would talk to me like that. Is it the "delivery" and do I need a thicker skin.

OP posts:

Geppili · 27/11/2020 18:15

She was coming to make herself a coffee. She felt obliged to ask you. U said yes at first because deep down you thought that was the right answer. But you realised a cup of coffee I was not what you wanted. You said you'd prefer tea. She says u can make it yourself. She is only bothered about her wants and needs. She can't be arsed to make you tea. She doesn't see you as a real person.

Eckhart · 27/11/2020 18:18

I'm scared of leaving. I have been for a while. I've had suicidal thoughts and I'm worried that loneliness will make this worse. I don't really have any friends. I've neglected a lot of my friendships and she doesn't like my work friends because they are a bad influence on me

So this woman is completely in charge of your life and wellbeing, is what you're saying?

Do you think she's improving your mental health on a day to day basis?

Beautiful3 · 27/11/2020 18:19

I'm sorry but what shes saying isnt nice and she knows it. When I offer hubby a tea/coffee, I dont say "make it yourself!" I offered so I make it. Think next time she "offers" ask her, if shes offering to make it!

JustSay · 27/11/2020 18:21

In what way do you disturb her sleep?

Ohalrightthen · 27/11/2020 18:25

Get a therapist, get some antidepressants, get a spine and leave. Or accept that you'll always be miserable and she'll always insist it's your fault.

Eckhart · 27/11/2020 18:32

The reason for the post was to try and understand why someone would talk to me like that. Is it the "delivery" and do I need a thicker skin

She speaks to you that way because she's abusive and wants to destroy your self esteem, and she can see it's working. It's working really well, and she's got it fine-tuned if she's even doing it right down to even making a hot drink being traumatic.

Do you think you deserve to be treated this way? If so, why? If not, how do you think a person in your position could change the situation to start to improve things?

butterpuffed · 27/11/2020 18:37

@Lithium2020 She has said that she has some questions to ask me, and depending on how I answer them, that will determine what she wants. I agreed to sit and wait.

Good God it sounds like she's setting you an exam and then going to mark it !

You do need to stick up for yourself if you want to stay with her but it doesn't really seem like things will improve.

Colourmeclear · 27/11/2020 18:44

She does it because she can. Your mental health will improve greatly if you don't have to spend all this time questioning her intentions, what you did or didn't do and how you can change things. Being alone and knowing 100% of your energy is on you, can be liberating.

I often found the smallest things like making the drinks were the most exhausting with my ex, I could write an essay but I'll spare you the pain. Because these events are small, it clouds your judgement. You're being used, she's testing to see if you are still willing to jump when she says jump. I'm in a healthy relationship now and these kind of power struggles are non-existant. It doesn't need to be this hard.

ktp100 · 27/11/2020 18:49

Apologies if this sounds harsh but I think you need to change too.

If my DH did that to me, the only reply he'd get is FUCK OFF and he certainly wouldn't get a coffee!!

It's her problem that she speaks to you disrespectfully. It's your problem that you go along with things that upset you to keep the peace.

Bluetrews25 · 27/11/2020 19:01

Why does she think your work friends are a bad influence?
Do they make you steal cars?
I feel sad for you, Lithium. You will feel better away from her.

Lollee · 27/11/2020 19:26

Just bloody leave! You will not feel worse, you will feel like a great weight has been lifted from you. Can you honestly say you are not lonely with her?

You will soon make friends and enjoy some of the bad influence of your work colleagues, which I guess is them telling you to get rid and be more assertive.
People in their 30s are generally at it like rabbits if they love and respect each other and no medical reason for abstinence.
The one you need to be assertive with is yourself by giving yourself a chance of a decent life without a bully who obviously doesn't love you......why would you even want to stay?????????

peboh · 27/11/2020 19:34

I'm sorry op. You're not a failure, this relationship just isn't working out. You sound miserable, and you both deserve better than being miserable together.

OldWomanSaysThis · 27/11/2020 19:36

Be a quitter! Just own it, "I quit." bye-bye.

As long as you are in her vicinity she will treat you like crap. Getting far far away from her is the only answer. She's abusive and won't change.

PamDemic · 27/11/2020 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thisisyourfightsong · 27/11/2020 19:59

If leaving is too big a thing at the moment there are lots of things you can do now which over time will help you leave. Go on an assertiveness course. Go on a Freedom course which teaches you about different kinds of abuse. Have a browse of self help books and read a few which sound interesting. Sit down and write a list of qualities which your perfect woman would have and think about how your average perfect day with her would go. Take a trip somewhere on your own and see where your feet take you.

80sColourfulChristmas · 28/11/2020 00:34

If I asked my husband if he wanted a drink and he responded with "Umm yea" with no "please" (regularly I mean, not just once!) then I'd respond exactly like she did!

Scbchl · 28/11/2020 00:45

Just leave this is a terrible relationship and it's likely her who is making you feel so down and like a failure. Shes gaslighting you also about things. She basically manipulated you into making the drinks cause she couldn't be fucked. Talks to you like a child. Wont have sex with you. Life is too short for this. You are only mid 30s there is a happier future waiting for you out there if you can get a bit of confidence to leave and realise you deserve much better than this..

Scratchyback · 28/11/2020 06:54

You sound so low and defeated op. I think she thinks she wants you to be more assertive and authoritative but you seem to be a gentle character who takes the path of least resistance. I really get that as that’s me too. As I see it, you have two choices for your own sanity and happiness. Either you decide to start biting back and standing your ground in the hope you can reset the relationship or, and there’s nothing wrong with this, begin making your plans for a new life.
I got mad at being downtrodden and really bit back. Had enough. It did redress the balance and we’re happier all round for it. I stopped being afraid of my partner (afraid of their disapproval, not anything else). It worked for me but I had to get to the stage where I had had enough and was ready to leave. I had sat my partner down and said I was done. I actually was and I would’ve left - I think you need to get that pissed off, maybe you are already.
It might be worth a try before you end the relationship.

Scratchyback · 28/11/2020 07:02

Just to reiterate something on my post above ... I got really really mad. Flipped. Just to be clear, it wasn’t a gentle conversation. Scared seven shades out of them it took that to get my point across. No one should tread all over you op.

TasslesandFringes · 28/11/2020 07:15

Do you think it’s a healthy relationship?

Would you speak to her the way she speaks to you?

You might feel in the pit of despair right now - but the only way is UP! We get one life OP don’t squander it in someone who is so negative.

You’ve got this.

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