2 year old step daughter hates me

[MadK4]

Evening, I’ve come to the end of my tether and honestly cannot think of what else to do with my current situation other than end it.
Been with my partner almost over a year now and we have his daughter every weekend. I have a 5 year old son on my own and his daughter is 3.
She doesn’t speak a word so can’t communicate what she is feeling but when she is over, I always try and do fun things with both kids or just the two of us if my son goes to his dads.
I’m the one that gets up with the kids when we’ve got both of them. I get them dressed, give them breakfast and as I said, do something fun with them. The problem is that as soon as shes back home and around her dad and me, she will literally do anything to keep away from me. Hides behind him. Cries if he even leaves the room yet when I’ve taken her out she’s fine.
I’m at a point now where I don’t even want to be in my own house when she is over because anything I do just isn’t good enough. She honestly looks at me like she’s terrified and we both have no clue why. Or what to do about the situation anymore.
I’m getting close to just ending the relationship because I would rather be alone with my son than have a 3 year old act disrespectful towards me in my own home!
Any advice welcome!! Thanks

That sounds hard. It must be upsetting and difficult.

But honesty. "Disrespectful"? That's ridiculous.

The poor poppet has additional needs. Has two homes. A mother figure has recently entered her life. A 5yo boy who is sometimes around, sometimes not. It must be very difficult for her too.

I appreciate it must feel personal that she only does this to you. But please try to be patient.

Or end it if that seems too hard.

No advice as such but she is still very young. You sound as though you are trying your best and doing everything right but it's still early days, just over a year isn't really a long time in the grand scheme of things.
Does she see much of her dad during her contact time with him?

Does she see you as someone who gets between her and her dad..? In mad-kid-logic world, the fact that you get up and look after her and your son may get turned around into you supplanting daddy, so when daddy does appear, she is desperate to hang onto him and fearful of you ‘taking over’? (Im not suggesting that you are, just that kids interpret things in weird and wonderful ways..).
Could daddy take the lead, with you very much in the backseat, concentrating only on your ds?

2 or 3 year old child dooesn't understand the concept of disrespect - you are projecting here. From your description it looks like she is scared and probable she is. Does she speak outside of your house? Of she cannot speak at all?

Is she 2 or 3?

If she is non verbal and her dad is basically ignoring her and leaving it up to you to deal with her then she is behaving in this way to get his attention.

She is still very young and is clearly struggling. Try not to take it to heart. Her behaviour is about him not you.

Op, she’s 3 years old and acting terrified. She’s hardly being ‘disrespectful’. I’m wondering why it’s you that’s doing all these things for her when she’s meant to be spending time with her dad? It’s nice you’re making an effort with her, but maybe this is her way of saying that she needs more time with her dad, when it’s just you there then she has no choice in who cares for her, but if her dads there then she’s obviously going to favour him. Does she get any 1 on 1 time with him?

1. Why in the hell are you doing everything childcare-wise? Lazy bastard should get up with his daughter and do his share of care.

1. She's not disrespectful, she's tiny, she's just doing a very normal toddler-thing, which is demonstrating favourites. It's common and it's to show daddy he's best and she really wants him. And if she's getting the sense you're frustrated with her, she'll react like it more. She's so little, disrespectful is a ridiculous choice of word.

Maybe her df needs to be doing the things you do for her.. She may be resentful /upset it's you being there when it should be her df..
Which he should be..

I’d rethink your choice of partner.

Honestly, I would ignore her. Not in a nasty way just stop trying so hard and just go about your day.

I’m getting close to just ending the relationship because I would rather be alone with my son than have a 3 year old act disrespectful towards me in my own home!

Oh, I must have skimmed over this! Yeah, wrong choice of words OP. I tried to sugar coat my last post but tbh, it does all sound very intense. Moved in together already after a year and it sounds as though your boyfriend has you doing most of the childcare. I think you are underestimating the impact it has had on your boyfriend's daughter and just want her to fit into this new family when she is obviously having trouble with it.

It’s nothing to do with respect - what concept can she have of respect if she can’t say any words? Sounds like she finds it really hard switching between two houses, and of course she does. Loads of kids are happy at nursery (and when starting school) but will cry and hang on to their parents at drop off. If she’s clinging on to her dad I assume she doesn’t want him to leave, which makes sense if she doesn’t see him every day - that transition will be hard, even if she has two wonderful homes.

My partner worked away for a long period and would just come home for weekend visits. There was no relationship breakdown, or new partners and children to get used to, but both children (3 and 1) found it really hard, and would even cry when I left the room because they started to be afraid I would leave for ages, too.

What’s his and your relationship like with ex?is she annoyed about your relationship and you being round her child. I ask because A friend of mine had something similar years ago her stepson was around 3 at the time then one day when he was about 4 and talking clearer he said something along the lines of remember when you used to be a witch? My friend asked what do you mean, he said when you were a witch and would eat children if you felt hungry. His mum had told him this... She wanted him to hate her, obviously that’s an extreme case but I just wondered if she acts genuinely petrified of you could it be something like that. Your partner needs to do more when she’s there too or she’s going to see you as the one who makes her eat and bath and makes her go to bed etc (normal stuff but stuff some kids resent). Speak to parter and say he needs to help improve the situation xx

Or I could be a normal suggestion like
Other posters have said I’m aware having an ex that batshit crazy and willing to scare their own children is rare (but happens)

Sorry op but you're being ridiculous. I can understand it's frustrating and annoying and hurtful. But we're talking about a little girl who is barely more than a baby who has some level of development delay and you're having a tantrum because she's disrespecting you on YOUR home. It's where her father lives, it's her home too. And at 2/3 she's not disrespecting you, she's trying to communicate that she's not ok.

Back off doing it all. Kick DP out of bed to sort her out, let him lead on dressing and entertaining her, or if DS is there agree what to do as a foursome. Give them time alone. If she's hiding behind her Dad he needs to pick her up and reassure her.

Is anyone dealing with her delays?

I’m getting close to just ending the relationship because I would rather be alone with my son than have a 3 year old act disrespectful towards me in my own home!

She is three. Three. Years. Old.

What she does understand probably very well by now is her dad doesn't give her much if any attention, if you're the one getting her up and doing everything with her on the weekends. So she just wants him when he is there.

I think you do need to be taking a step back. But her dad needs to be taking a step up and giving her his full attention.

2 or 3?

Either way stop being ridiculous.

Also are you married? You’ve been together a year, did you introduce the children right away? Has she known you a year?

So did your DP have his DD every weekend before you lived together, or has that happened since he found someone who will do all his childcare for him every weekend. He's got it easy with you, no way should you be getting DD up and taking her out anywhere on your own. It's his child, it's his job to do everything for her, not yours. All go out as a family unit by all means, but you should not be acting as his childcare provider.
I have a notion that if he was doing it all every weekend, as he should be, he'd be making it EOW which is the norm.
Also, it's your house, so you've actually enabled him to get out of parenting - you'll be saying he goes out with his mates at the weekends while you babysit for him next

’m the one that gets up with the kids when we’ve got both of them. I get them dressed, give them breakfast and as I said, do something fun with them. The problem is that as soon as shes back home and around her dad and me, she will literally do anything to keep away from me. Hides behind him. Cries if he even leaves the room

She's not hateful or disrespectful- she wants her Dad. Whatever you do, her Dad will be number one to her because he's her Dad.
She's non-verbal - change must be doubly scary for her when she can't tell you the little things that will help make things better.

Regardless of any of this, do you really want to be with somebody who has their 3 year old every single weekend? Why is he even dating?!? This makes no sense to me. You’re getting up with her while he lays in bed? You’re basically a cheap childcare service and shag! What on earth are you doing? Why wouldn’t you date somebody with no baggage who wants to take you out at the weekend!!!! Come on ladies. Up your standards!!!

She’s a toddler.

Dd does this all the time to DH. She is very jealous and possessive of me. She’s an only child and likes to have my full attention. She is particularly annoyed with the cat for sitting on my lap 😂.

To some extent this is a normal phase for toddler. He is her person. All little kids have someone they are more attached to.

If you don’t push it then she’ll get over it. But don’t attribute malice to something that is just a developmental stage.

I am stunned that you're getting up, dressing and doing activities with his child whilst he is in bed!
What on earth are you doing?!

Poor little soul. She is so little and has communication difficulties. She probably is terrified. She is probably traumatised too, her world has been turned upside down
Her father should be caring for her. It is his contact time.

And others are right. He needs to do more with her. She clings to him because she can tell that she is being foisted off onto you.

Your boyfriend has no excuse for his failure to parent this child, even if he works, it’s his sole responsibility to source and fund childcare when the girl is meant to be having contact time with him. He’s palmed childcare off onto you, and you’ve allowed it. I can’t understand why so many women choose to fall for this scammish behaviour, why not just enjoy dating him and keep the kids out of it? Win/win.