2 year old step daughter hates me

[MadK4]

Evening, I’ve come to the end of my tether and honestly cannot think of what else to do with my current situation other than end it.
Been with my partner almost over a year now and we have his daughter every weekend. I have a 5 year old son on my own and his daughter is 3.
She doesn’t speak a word so can’t communicate what she is feeling but when she is over, I always try and do fun things with both kids or just the two of us if my son goes to his dads.
I’m the one that gets up with the kids when we’ve got both of them. I get them dressed, give them breakfast and as I said, do something fun with them. The problem is that as soon as shes back home and around her dad and me, she will literally do anything to keep away from me. Hides behind him. Cries if he even leaves the room yet when I’ve taken her out she’s fine.
I’m at a point now where I don’t even want to be in my own house when she is over because anything I do just isn’t good enough. She honestly looks at me like she’s terrified and we both have no clue why. Or what to do about the situation anymore.
I’m getting close to just ending the relationship because I would rather be alone with my son than have a 3 year old act disrespectful towards me in my own home!
Any advice welcome!! Thanks

If she is 3 and not potty trained and mute then really, omg, why is this poor little girl not getting some proper assessment and help? Sorry to say but I think it sounds like the three adults around her aren't doing their job,

You are in her life by choice, being with her dad. I'm sorry to say it but you sound properly hostile towards her. Your son didn't behave like this, but she does. She probably senses your anger towards her, as well.

You need a total attitude change to be in her life, I think. Not least not doing all the getting up and care.

Disrespectful?

I feel genuinely worried about this child. You should certainly not be around her. If you feel like this now, it will never change It sounds like she has enough complexes already.

Oh yes and of course probably her mum has told her you stole her dad etc too?

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

Stop being the nanny, and read a book about early childhood development, those two things alone will help you and her immensely. You need basic education on how children and relationships work.

Why should OP have to read a bloody book on child development? It's not her child! Her dad needs to pull his bloody finger out here.

OP I'd leave them to it, all sounds like ball ache to be honest.

I know it must be stressful for you but she certainly isn't being disrespectful. It sounds like she just wants some attention from her father.

So a 3 year old child with additional needs being shuffled between two homes has absolutely nobody advocating for her in any way? And you want to 'ignore' her when she's with you, but are quite happy to continue the relationship with some lazy arse you met 5 minutes ago.
Well done.

It sounds like attention seeking behaviour, if you are doing most of the childcare during the weekend, such as getting up with both children and spending time with them, where is your dp? In bed? If so she probably wants to spend time with him (and he's choosing not to) so acting this way to get his attention. Especially if she's fine when it's just you two.

Your dp needs to step up to the plate in a big way and take a much more active role in her life when she m's with you. You need to step back and ignore.

She needs her Dad. Behaviour is communication for little kids, even more so where their are developmental delays. What she's telling you is she needs her Dad. She's not capable of being disrespectful, she's little and she's struggling, she needs her Dad. And she needs one of her parents to step up and get her the help she needs.

Not being on her birth certificate is an excuse. He's her Dad he should be applying for joint parental responsibility and seeking the support she needs.

I've lost a lot of respect for my DH after his willingness to ignore our boys struggles and their struggles are a lot less obvious than your BFs little girl's. She could be Autistic or have developmental delays. She needs help now, early intervention can be critical and there are other ways of communicating that a speech pathologist can teach her parents and her so that she can communicate. Not saying you should be doing any of that. Her parents should. I wouldn't be able to respect my OH if they weren't trying to get their child the support she needs.

Another woman dating a bloke with a young DC, moving in together quickly. Upsetting both DC in the process. I feel for your DS. He quickly has a new man moving into his safe place and a young girl staying every other weekend who is mother now parents . Give yourself a shake. This bloke must have been delighted having another woman to step in and do the work with his DD. I also wonder if he moved in with you too? Was he flat sharing? As for his DD she clearly isn’t happy, her father should be looking after his DD and spending time with her. Not leaving it to you. Contact is for him to see her

I'm a step mum and a 'birth' mum.

You're not being disrespected in your own home, she's little. She's a three year old who in non verbal, which needs addressing.

You say you've been together a year and are already living together, that's quick when there are children involved. She's only been alive 3 years and so far her parents have split, her dad has a new partner and they now live together. That's a lot.

You need to stop doing all the mum things for her and let her dad do them for a while. You parent your son, he parents his daughter, when you've established a good dynamic and way of that working then combine the two. You can't just plop two adults and two small children together and expect everything to go smoothly, especially in quite a short space of time.

My ds potty trained before his first word. He could lower his trousers and there were non verbal cues that he was ready eg he used to crouch in the corner of the room to poo then come and find me so I'd change him. He was trained very quickly

Could you have a relationship with him without living with him. Then he can look after his dd.

I think it's more to do with that when her dad is around that's who she wants. And she's afraid it will be you and not him so clings to him. Not that you are bad. Just that she craves time with her dad.

^^ This
It's a shame her Dad can't see this.
The 2yo would probably be like this with any of her Dad's partners and needs her Dad to be getting up with her, dressing her etc
It's not personal OP but I understand why you'd feel disappointed that your hard work isn't translating to a better attachment with his dd.