2 year old step daughter hates me

[MadK4]

Evening, I’ve come to the end of my tether and honestly cannot think of what else to do with my current situation other than end it.
Been with my partner almost over a year now and we have his daughter every weekend. I have a 5 year old son on my own and his daughter is 3.
She doesn’t speak a word so can’t communicate what she is feeling but when she is over, I always try and do fun things with both kids or just the two of us if my son goes to his dads.
I’m the one that gets up with the kids when we’ve got both of them. I get them dressed, give them breakfast and as I said, do something fun with them. The problem is that as soon as shes back home and around her dad and me, she will literally do anything to keep away from me. Hides behind him. Cries if he even leaves the room yet when I’ve taken her out she’s fine.
I’m at a point now where I don’t even want to be in my own house when she is over because anything I do just isn’t good enough. She honestly looks at me like she’s terrified and we both have no clue why. Or what to do about the situation anymore.
I’m getting close to just ending the relationship because I would rather be alone with my son than have a 3 year old act disrespectful towards me in my own home!
Any advice welcome!! Thanks

@Sundance2741

Sounds wrong on many counts to me. Why has no one sought help for the child's needs? Why doesn't her father take care of her when she is with you? Why do you have so little understanding of a toddler when you have your own child?

Good questions.

Too lazy to get up in the morning and too lazy to get added to the birth certificate. What a catch 🤔

Why on earth would you move in with someone when their child doesn't like you? That has to be one of the cruellest things anyone can do to a step child.

And that father of hers sounds a right lazy arse.

You do realise your boyfriend has moved you in so you can provide free childcare for him?

Of course she rejects you. She is there to see her dad and he can't even be bothered to do the absolute basics for her. You stepping in highlights it. How can you like a man who treats his child so badly? Doesn't it put you off him?

Yes please break up with him.

He can't be arsed to look after his own child.
He can't be arsed to help his child and find out why she is not talking,why she's scared,why she self harms.
He can't be arsed to get added to his BC.

That poor poor baby.
And despite your attitude and your wording,you deserve better too.

Possibly ASD? Is that being looked into? Could be wrong, but somebody autistic would find it difficult to communicate, struge with change and can have huge separation anxiety from parents/trsuted caregivers.

struggle

Any thoughts on why she would scratch her own forehead and then point at me like I had done it? That’s how bad things are getting now! I honestly feel like the older she gets she’s gonna purposely try and get me into trouble

This poor, poor child sounds so confused and traumatised. Her father sounds completely useless, and you speak awfully about her as well.

Your entire relationship sounds like it’s too much too soon, with none of the adults involved prioritising this little girl.

None of the "adults" in this set up sound very grown up.

I’ve been told that one minute she’s none of my business when I offer help with recommendations on her talking and the next minute just treat her as my own. Which I do. For example - when I gave my opinion on the fact that her mum said she was starting to potty train her - even when she cannot communicate when she needs to go....
I don’t see how I have no understanding of a toddler. Maybe because when my own child was a toddler he was not acting this way at all.

Thank you all for your advice and comments.
Some I agree with. Some I don’t. Some are harsher than others. But either way. Cheers 👍🏻

So is there a reason you are accepting the fact that when his daughter is with you both, you are the one waking her up, feeding her, dressing her... basically taking on the parenting load? Can you see how that makes him a poor excuse for a father? You're showing your own child that it's a woman's job to parent, not a man's even when he is the child's father. For both your own sake and your child's I think it's worth you thinking about that.

Some people potty train tiny babies, no harm in her mum trying.
I’ve been told that one minute she’s none of my business when I offer help with recommendations on her talking and the next minute just treat her as my own. Which I do.
This poor little girl has a shitty dad and you are ignoring that repeatedly. Have you said to him he is going to spend some quality time with his dd this weekend wihtout you?
She’s 2, or 3 I don’t care. She isn’t disrespecting you, she’s struggling. My 2yo rejects me all the time for his dad but it’s just how they behave. Please stop focussing on her as the problem. She’s the only completely innocent victim here.

She wants to be with her Dad and she sees you as a threat or competition for his attention. It sounds like her Dad is pretty useless and happy to let you do the childcare so maybe this behaviour is the best way the little girl has found to get her Dad's attention. If she's non verbal at 3 that's concerning, hasn't this been picked up at her 2 year or preschool check? Not for you to do, but someone ought to be getting the help this child needs.

You don't understand why a toddler with additional needs is behaving differently to how your developmentally average child did?

@MadK4 because she is developmentally delayed; that is why she isn’t acting the same as your toddler! Your comment has infuriated me OP! It is clear this poor child is struggling and you clearly don’t give a flying fuck! Disrespecting you? Seriously? Grow the fuck up!!! She is struggling and is crying out to be understand, to be loved, to be cared for, to be cherished!
My 3 year old son has autism and global developmental delay. Should I not bother doing anything with him as he doesn’t understand? Shall I not bother potty training him as he can’t tell me when he needs to open his bowels? Shall I not bother speaking to him as he can’t reply?
This poor girl deserves so much better than all the adults involved by the sounds of things.
And this, this reply probably does seem extremely harsh and no doubt I’ll be called out for it; But having my own son with developmental delay and some similar behaviours to those you have described, this post has broken my heart!

She wants her dad to pay her some attention. It's no reflection on you at all. You sound lovely and kind. He needs to spend 1 on 1 time with her. Not with you, not with your kids, just take her out on his own.

Why can't men see this - he just needs to spend some time alone with her, even for an hour to take her to breakfast.

I see this all the time at work, poor kids just want some special time, dad passes responsibility to new wife/girlfriend. New girlfriend wouldn't be happy with with the dad spending alone time as they have other kids (not saying you would mind OP, just in my experience of working with families).

The curse of blended families I suppose x

@ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble

Yes please break up with him.

He can't be arsed to look after his own child.
He can't be arsed to help his child and find out why she is not talking,why she's scared,why she self harms.
He can't be arsed to get added to his BC.

That poor poor baby.
And despite your attitude and your wording,you deserve better too.

Yes, you need to leave him. I want to reach into your story and give that baby girl a big cuddle, make a fuss of her, tell her is is beautiful and special. Her dad is an arsehole. Leave.

And why have you moved a man in who you have been dating a year?? When you yourself have children? Babies too.

Why would you do that?

From her perspective, you probably 'make Dad disappear' into your room. In the morning you are there but he isn't. You have him disappeared where she can't see him. If she tries to go to find him she is told by you no, come and get breakfast because I own your Daddy while he is in that room he needs to sleep and you aren't allowed be near him.

She’s 2, she’s still trying to make sense of the world. What’s her dad doing in the morning when you are getting up and organising the D.C.? Kick him out of bed and get him to be involved with his DD. If he cared he’d get himself in the BC and be trying to sort out any communication issues she has

You are expecting way too much from this 2/3 year child and way too little from your adult partner.

Children, especially toddlers, are not known for being logical, consistent and appreciative. Why are you expecting a young child to exhibit these traits when the adults in her life are so completely incapable of modelling them?

You have a bf problem.
What kind of guy walks out on a newborn and immediately gets involved with someone else?

The chances that he is just using you for free childcare and to make his life easier is pretty high.

You’ve only been with this bloke a year! You’re already dealing with potty training somebody else’s child!! Are you a paid childminder! Do you realise you probably shouldn’t have even met this child yet, let alone be living with her and definitely not be so involved you are practically raising her!

How long after you started dating did you move in with her father? How long did you actually date without living together?