How long would you wait?

[EvelynSalt]

Wise hive mind of Mumsnet, I'm crap at life management and I need your advice.

At 34, how long would you stay with someone (that you adore, makes you laugh, is supportive etc) before you make the call to leave if they don't propose?

I'm getting ever more conscious of my age. I want to have children; I have endometriosis so no idea how easy / possible it will be anyway. I've taken on board lots of advice from Mumsnet and friends' experiences and recognise that it's sensible to get married before children, where possible, for many reasons (no judgment at all of those who have made alternative choices, I recognise it's not right for everyone).

We have discussed life plans and both want children (although he is more of the "at some point" school of thought). He wasn't too bothered about marriage, but isn't against it, so to speak. It's just not something he's thought about much as he's never got to a point with someone where it has become a talking point.

We have been together 1.5 years and live together. I know this isn't long at all, in the grand scheme of things, but in the context of age, how much longer would you wait before you decided he just doesn't want to propose?

I'm really struggling to clear my thoughts on this...stay with someone I love and risk it ending further down the line, if he decides he doesn't want to marry me? Or leave him, in the hope that I meet someone I love as deeply who wants to marry and have children, all within the next 6 years?

I have brought it up recently and he, quite rightly, says it's a serious decision and he's not there yet. I would never want to push someone into such a big life choice so I've respected his position and left it there. But where I'm struggling is, at what point do I raise it in a more finite way? As in, I need to know when or if this is going to happen.

Rambling post, sorry - thanks for reading if you made it this far!

It's a difficult one but I would of only moved in with someone if they could of given me some sort of timeframe to look forward to marriage and children, I'd say at your age within 2 years from now if you want marriage first but decide what you want the most, marriage and waiting longer for children or start trying sooner and if it happens it happens and get married before the birth?
Be sure he's definitely the one you want to settle with though, any doubt end it.

I'd probably expect a proposal around the 3 year mark. If I hadn't heard anything by then I'd propose to him. Take the bull by the horns.

I think he's already answered your question. He is not interested in getting married.

"We have discussed life plans and both want children (although he is more of the "at some point" school of thought). He wasn't too bothered about marriage, but isn't against it, so to speak"

Did you ask him when he will be there in terms of marriage; probably not perhaps also because you were afraid of that on some level.

Sounds like he is really non committal about both marriage and children even now. I would think long and hard now about what he is telling you. It may well be that he wants marriage but not now and not even necessarily to you. If he wanted to marry you and have children by you he would do so and not mess you about like he is doing.

You are now 34 and with you having endometriosis both your age and endo could go against you in terms of readily conceiving. I would actually seriously consider moving back out now and living separately from him. Take some power back here because currently he has the vast amount of it.

Have your friends started getting married / having babies? That's usually the trigger. If seeing his mates becoming fathers still leaves him cold, I'd say move on.

At your age and with endo complications then I would probably need to know sooner rather than later. it might only be 1.5 years but you are already living together so he should know what his intentions are.
Think about this, in 3 years you could be really struggling to conceive and regret waiting around..while he could literally walk away and have a baby easily. I think a good, honest conversation is in order.

How old is he compared to you?

I think getting married should be a discussion between equals. If you want all the big decisions in your life to be taken by a man then keep hanging around, otherwise just bring the subject up like any other.

1.5 years is really not long at all to be asking for that

@Aquamarine1029

I think he's already answered your question. He is not interested in getting married.

I think he has too.

OP, make up YOUR mind what YOU want.
Tell him what you want clearly.

Leave if what he wants doesn't tally.
Don't hang around for someone who isn't sure of you and wants another couple of years to see how it goes.

It's his right not to want to marry but don't hang around hoping for the best.

Get out and move on.
Good luck.

I wouldn't wait for a proposal because it's not 1955.

You want to get married, propose to him. Problem solved in actual seconds.

And pls don't reply saying you're 'traditional' unless you don't live together and genuinely intend to wash his socks when married as that is what traditional actually means.

Everyone's timeline is different.

Personally, I wouldn't move in with someone without the clear understanding that this is a step in the direction of marriage etc. By any measure only 18 months in, it's not unreasonable that he isn't ready to go to the nex step. But... at your age and with your medical history it's not unreasonable for you to be thinking about this stuff quite seriously.

I think you can and should have a point at which you need to know you can agree a final timeline and tell him. It's true that you can't force him. But, his inaction is, in effect, forcing you to live by his decisions. Which isn't fair either.

Thanks for all of your replies, some really thoughtful points.

When he expressed that it wasn't something he had thought much about, it was much earlier in the relationship and we hadn't moved in together at that point. Since then, he has said that it's something that's been on his mind but he's just not there yet.

I suppose what I'm struggling with is just what @SpaceOp says - 1.5 years isn't long really, how do I find the right balance between being on a physiological timeline and giving him the time he needs to feel ready for a lifelong commitment.

I'm not against proposing at all, although some of the posts make me feel a little defensive of women who may feel otherwise! There's just not much point when he's recently told me that's he's not at that point yet.

I wasted my 20s married to a violent tosser and get so upset with myself for this. I'm so happy to have met DP but frustrated that it's at a time where biological clock comes into it.

I think perhaps I'll leave it until the two year mark and then have a more serious conversation with a bit of a deadline / review point

Tricky because I don't think 1.5 years is that long to be sure about this relationship. I wouldn't have moved in until it became clear that it was a long term relationship, but you're past that.

On the other hand, I can see why you are anxious to move on and conceive, given your age. (I was around 34 when it dawned on me that I had problems conceiving.)

If you push it with him, he might feel pressured and come to a decision you don't like. On the other hand, I would recommend being open and up-front with him.

Maybe a conversation where you make your priorities clear, but be prepared to allow time for him to think it over and decide for sure. Set a deadline? 6 months, a year from now?

I'd bring it up again in a couple of months and if he says the same, I'd say, "Oh OK, just that I'm working to a different timetable to you because of endo, so I think it's time we moved on separately" and see what his reaction to that is.

Do you think you already know the answer deep down? And that's why you are posting?

You should just know I think if it's the kind of love that leads to marriage. There's been more than enough time for that, those kind of relationships move quickly and you can't get enough of each other.

Ask him to marry you, and tell him you need to know because the clock is ticking and you want kids. Tell him you need to know his answer within 6 months.

I think getting married should be a discussion between equals. If you want all the big decisions in your life to be taken by a man then keep hanging around, otherwise just bring the subject up like any other.

I agree. You can't make your life decisions based on guesswork, mind reading and waiting for somebody else to decide the direction of your life for you.

There is no justification for not bringing it up yourself.

Once married, would you then sit around helplessly waiting for him to propose having children? Or would you bring it up yourself to discuss?

It's your life, you're allowed to raise things that are important to you and to have a role in the decision-making.

I'm of the opinion, that in your 30s, provided you're both settled in career, property, and not doing long distance - 1.5 years is enough time to know whether you want to get married soon or not.

I personally would ask him again at 6 months, and if he's still not on the same page, something is clearly not working. At 2 years if a man isn't sure he wants to marry you, he isn't going to magically change his mind in 3 or 4. That happens when you're younger, and still trying to figure out life, get ahead in your career, save for a home etc - but if everything is comfortable for both of you - he knows how he feels.

If you do want marriage and kids, just staying because he's lovely, kind and supportive isn't enough. You need someone to be on your timeline. And while you do have time - 34 isn't too old by a long stretch, the worry is more that he doesn't seem to be on the same page as you.

@user17425642134531

I think getting married should be a discussion between equals. If you want all the big decisions in your life to be taken by a man then keep hanging around, otherwise just bring the subject up like any other.

I agree. You can't make your life decisions based on guesswork, mind reading and waiting for somebody else to decide the direction of your life for you.

There is no justification for not bringing it up yourself.

Once married, would you then sit around helplessly waiting for him to propose having children? Or would you bring it up yourself to discuss?

It's your life, you're allowed to raise things that are important to you and to have a role in the decision-making.

I'm not helpless (in fact I'd argue I'm fairly far from it) and I have raised it, as I explained in my posts. The issue is not a lack of discussion. It's trying to feel a level of clarity in my own mind around how long it's reasonable to wait for someone to decide whether they are ready to make a (hopefully) lifelong commitment.

@JurassicParkAha

I'm of the opinion, that in your 30s, provided you're both settled in career, property, and not doing long distance - 1.5 years is enough time to know whether you want to get married soon or not.

I personally would ask him again at 6 months, and if he's still not on the same page, something is clearly not working. At 2 years if a man isn't sure he wants to marry you, he isn't going to magically change his mind in 3 or 4. That happens when you're younger, and still trying to figure out life, get ahead in your career, save for a home etc - but if everything is comfortable for both of you - he knows how he feels.

If you do want marriage and kids, just staying because he's lovely, kind and supportive isn't enough. You need someone to be on your timeline. And while you do have time - 34 isn't too old by a long stretch, the worry is more that he doesn't seem to be on the same page as you.

Thank you, that's a really helpful post. I agree - I think another six months and then a more decision-driven conversation seems fair.

I suppose the risk is that I walk away and never meet someone else / feel the same way about someone else. But in this situation I suppose every avenue has its risks!

I'm 33 and by the time me and dp had been together two years, I was pregnant. When we first started talking about it it seemed soon, but I also have health reasons that made me concerned about conceiving and having kids was important to us both. It took us 6 months to get pregnant.
Over the course of a few months we discussed timelines and whether getting married was important (we decided not in our case) but basically when I explained how important it was to me and potential complications, he understood and because he was committed to the relationship, we started trying at a time that was a reasonable compromise for both of us (altho this makes it sound more seamless than it was!).

My point is, if he's committed and serious and truly understands the biology of being a woman TTC and these things are important to him...you shouldn't be waiting around for him to decide he's ready. I wouldn't let someone else hold the power in making those decisions over something that's really important. It's hard when it otherwise seems like a great relationship, but when my dp talked about putting things on hold for a month, and then another month, that made me question how 'right' and good a fit we were. You don't get time back.

Don't know how much sense that makes!

@MarvEll

I'm 33 and by the time me and dp had been together two years, I was pregnant. When we first started talking about it it seemed soon, but I also have health reasons that made me concerned about conceiving and having kids was important to us both. It took us 6 months to get pregnant. Over the course of a few months we discussed timelines and whether getting married was important (we decided not in our case) but basically when I explained how important it was to me and potential complications, he understood and because he was committed to the relationship, we started trying at a time that was a reasonable compromise for both of us (altho this makes it sound more seamless than it was!).

My point is, if he's committed and serious and truly understands the biology of being a woman TTC and these things are important to him...you shouldn't be waiting around for him to decide he's ready. I wouldn't let someone else hold the power in making those decisions over something that's really important. It's hard when it otherwise seems like a great relationship, but when my dp talked about putting things on hold for a month, and then another month, that made me question how 'right' and good a fit we were. You don't get time back.

Don't know how much sense that makes!

It makes perfect sense! Six more months then, and then I'll have a make or break discussion. Ugh

1.5 years is quite early to ask someone to commit. But it's not early to tell someone that your biological clock is ticking and you are going to be making some big decisions next year which may or may not involve him.

That is, I'd start priming him now for the serious discussion.