How long would you wait?

[EvelynSalt]

Wise hive mind of Mumsnet, I'm crap at life management and I need your advice.

At 34, how long would you stay with someone (that you adore, makes you laugh, is supportive etc) before you make the call to leave if they don't propose?

I'm getting ever more conscious of my age. I want to have children; I have endometriosis so no idea how easy / possible it will be anyway. I've taken on board lots of advice from Mumsnet and friends' experiences and recognise that it's sensible to get married before children, where possible, for many reasons (no judgment at all of those who have made alternative choices, I recognise it's not right for everyone).

We have discussed life plans and both want children (although he is more of the "at some point" school of thought). He wasn't too bothered about marriage, but isn't against it, so to speak. It's just not something he's thought about much as he's never got to a point with someone where it has become a talking point.

We have been together 1.5 years and live together. I know this isn't long at all, in the grand scheme of things, but in the context of age, how much longer would you wait before you decided he just doesn't want to propose?

I'm really struggling to clear my thoughts on this...stay with someone I love and risk it ending further down the line, if he decides he doesn't want to marry me? Or leave him, in the hope that I meet someone I love as deeply who wants to marry and have children, all within the next 6 years?

I have brought it up recently and he, quite rightly, says it's a serious decision and he's not there yet. I would never want to push someone into such a big life choice so I've respected his position and left it there. But where I'm struggling is, at what point do I raise it in a more finite way? As in, I need to know when or if this is going to happen.

Rambling post, sorry - thanks for reading if you made it this far!

Hmm... So what if you give it 6 months and he's still not sure? You leave to find a man that might be 'sure'?... How long could that take?

My friend left her Ex because she wanted kids and he didn't, she's still single 4 years later with no kids...

Grass isn't always greener. Same for marriage. I really don't see how a ring on your finger is more a commitment? I know loads of divorced people.

If you genuinely love this guy and want to be with him just live life together and see what happens

@Nandakanda

Why don't you just tell him the truth? Just explain your situation to him.

Suggestions that he's stringing you along are way off the mark. Most men just don't grasp the pressure that women are under to conceive within a certain time frame. No need to threaten him, just lay the facts out - you love him and would love to spend your life with him, but you really need to get moving on the baby front.

Men are scared of marriage. They see it as a huge risk where they stand to loose everything and end up with no kids, so you will probably need to allay such doubts.

It's not the OP's, or any woman's, responsibility to allay such doubts or fears. In any case it's easier for women to block access to kids if he's unmarried. And he doesn't stand to "lose everything". That statement has a sexist implication that whatever the woman brought to the marriage e.g. caring for the couple's joint children, curtailing her career to support the man's career/the children's needs is of lesser value than whatever the man brought to the table. That quote is straight from the bitter divorced man's complaint book about having to share a fair split of JOINT marital assets. We women should not be pandering to such male sentiments and need to stand up for our worth, and the value of our contributions to relationships/family life, whether they're financial or otherwise.

Many men feel women and their children should get less than what they actually need and deserve so spout on about "losing everything". Why do you think so many men shirk CMS payments which are already woefully inadequate contributions towards the true cost of raising children?? In reality divorce settlements are mediated/court decided splits that determined on the basis of what is fair for all parties, including the children's needs. And incidentally is EXACTLY one of the reasons she should be looking to marry. If he's hesitant about marriage because he's fearful of a fair split of marital assets for his children and wife in the event of a split, then that's all the more reason for her to leave and find another man!

A proposal after 1.5 years is quite soon. I’d say after about 2.5-3 I’d be concerned if he hadn’t.

Thanks all. I'll update once I've raised it - setting myself a deadline for early Jan has helped so thanks to whoever suggested that!

I think the idea that he is stringing you along is unfair with no other evidence.

DH and I were friends before we got together and I knew he was uncertain about whether he wanted children at all. When we got together, I was only 27 but I told him that I needed him to have made a decision on children by 30. It wasn't that I wanted to get married or start trying then (and he is a few years older) it was more that if we had a nasty breakup over that I'd need time to get over it, find someone else, etc etc.

At 30, he actually started counselling. He was open that he loved me, wanted to spend his life with me, couldn't get his head around what a commitment children were or whether he was able to make that commitment. Thankfully there was never any suggestion from either of us of just having children and seeing what it was like. That deadline slid a bit because he really was working on it, but I think we got engaged at 31, started ttc shortly after we were married. He was really, really aware and conscious of the impact of it all on me though: the fact that I had a much harder biological deadline and it was important to respect that.

There is no way he would have been ready to make decisions about our future like that within 18 months of being together: we moved in after 2 years and I think it was a year later I set my 'deadline'. But, I had more time to play with.

I saw someone on another post - I think it was about independent women getting married - posted a list of questions to discuss before getting married to see if you share an outlook with someone. I think doing something like that together, maybe in the new year, could be a good way to spark some discussions and thought. My DH simply hadn't given it a lot of thought, thought he had lots of time, and it was me pointing out timelines that made him realise. I think as others have said you need to calmly point out the logical reasons why you need a timeline, what that might look like, and let him have time for that to sink in. I first got pregnant at 33, took 4 months trying (standard) had a miscarriage (not unusual) tried again for a bit longer, ultimately had my child at 35. That kind of 'delay' is standard and that was with no fertility issues. I think having discussions around that together in the new year, what a timeline might look like, how much time you have to play with might help you both solidify your thinking.

I don’t believe he’s stringing you along but I think you need to be careful that he may not want to get married. If you want children so badly can you hell not try and have the children talk first rather then marriage. Honestly most of the guys I know would run a mile with marriage talk after a year and half.

Your fertility is more important then marriage right now.