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Original poster

Taking a Day Off but not mentioning it

104 replies

Lettitbee · 22/11/2020 22:41

I'm a SAHP and DH works full time, usually in an office but since March from home.

When doing the shopping online this evening, he mentioned that he would pick it up in the morning. I queried this, and he said he wanted to do some baking (he has never baked in the 15 years that we've been together). This confused me, and it eventually transpired that last week, he'd decided to take Monday off work.

I asked him why he hadn't discussed this with me or even mentioned it. No response at all. He's just sitting refusing to talk to me. Is this odd? I feel like it would be usual to at least mention to your partner that you were taking a random day off, but particularly currently when he knows I'm bored and stuck at home. I wouldn't have made arrangements with a friend for tomorrow, for example, if I'd known. What do you think?

OP posts:

BlueSkies2020 · 23/11/2020 10:34

@SleepingStandingUp we have a very healthy relationship thanks, we’re great at communicating, it’s just when you know someone is around not working it’s easy to keep adding stuff and I will often say yes.

“Oh could you just stay in for my delivery”
“Oh could you just pick DC up”
“Could you get some milk and beer when you pop out”
Etc etc

Then the long chats (we chat all the time but my DH kerbs it when he knows it’s a non working day). He has an easy fun job like I said. He controls his own hours and can stop to chat. I like chatting, like his company.

But I just need time alone .... and some people like my DH and the OP don’t seem to realise that and end up commandeering your day off bit by bit. Not because you have a bad relationship, but because the other half lacks a bit of emotional intelligence

BlueSkies2020 · 23/11/2020 10:35

That should be my DH kerbs the chats when he knows it’s a WORKING day

nosswith · 23/11/2020 11:21

The lack of communication in general seems to me to be the more important thing than it being not saying about the day off. I get that some people are not natural communicators, but this is unreasonable not to mention something such as a day off from work.

ChristmasFluff · 23/11/2020 12:13

He probably didn't mention it because he's intending to be home all day and so nothing is different to 'normal' being home all day working. If he's planning on baking (which you would have seen him doing), it's not like he was deliberately being being secretive.

GardenSwing · 23/11/2020 12:26

But he did mention it or the OP wouldn't know

He just didnt tell her first for ask her what she wanted to do on his day off. That's what she's annoyed about.

Blahblahface · 23/11/2020 12:32

The poor man just wants a bloody day off the slob around in his underpants watching netflix/playing xbox without everyone else in the house. Leave him alone. It's only one bloody day.

If it was all the the time and there was other suspicious behaviour, I'd question his motives. But this just sounds like he wants peace and quiet.

Thebakingman12 · 23/11/2020 12:45

He just wants a day off to himself. Everyone's entitled to that. He not talking to you about it because he probably thinks youd react as you have so doesn't want to upset you/have an argument

Gilda152 · 23/11/2020 12:59

Thoughts and prayers for this man!!

SleepingStandingUp · 23/11/2020 13:02

@Blahblahface

The poor man just wants a bloody day off the slob around in his underpants watching netflix/playing xbox without everyone else in the house. Leave him alone. It's only one bloody day.

If it was all the the time and there was other suspicious behaviour, I'd question his motives. But this just sounds like he wants peace and quiet.

But op is a sahp in lockdown, he booked it off before she knew she was going out and may not be out all day. Or does she have to make sure she keeps the children out to facilitate his right to time alone?

Myturntobringthemilk · 23/11/2020 13:50

Can't believe people are saying he just wants a day to himself/why should he tell you. Are you people mad!?

For starters when you are in a relationship and especially when you are parents its called communication, it wasn't a last minute decision and he should have mentioned it.
My DP tells me when he has taken days off, i'd be highly annoyed and suspicious if he didn't.
Secondly there are children involved and OP is a sahp (I'm not making assumptions here so feel free to correct me OP) but usually a sahp does the bulk of parenting and so if their partner has got a day off they might appreciate the parent who usually works to relieve some of the parenting load for the day and get up with the DC or take them out for a few hours depending on ages etc. Which cannot be planned if the partner didn't know they were taking the day off.

Maybe the OP should decide they need a day off from being a sahp and book it off in their heads, then get up one morning tell their partner of the plan and do what they want for the day? Would that be so reasonable if it was the other way around?

Gilda152 · 23/11/2020 13:54

myturn

Yes, that would be totally reasonable.

LolaSmiles · 23/11/2020 14:02

I can see both sides.

On one hand it would be typical to mention a day off to your partner, especially if you just want to chill.

But on the other hand if you know your partner will ignore the fact you want to chill, cancel their plans, turn your alone time into couples time, be unhappy you're baking for enjoyment and not baking to take them out on a picnic etc then I have some sympathy with them wanting to keep it quiet until the last minute.

User74575762 · 23/11/2020 14:04

I think you need to buy a box of chocolates and say, "every time you man up and talk to your wife, who loves you, about something awkward, you get a chocolate and a kiss". If he's a decent man he'll laugh and try to communicate a bit better. If not, well, I guess at least you'll know :/

Myturntobringthemilk · 23/11/2020 14:11

@Gilda152 it would be unreasonable not to inform them until the very last minute though.

It's perfectly reasonable to want time to relax and be alone for both sahp and parents who work but when you have DC you have to communicate in order to make sure it is fair.

Gilda152 · 23/11/2020 14:25

myturn maybe he had his reasons that OP doesn't want to disclose/just doesn't get.

Everyone is entitled to a bit of privacy/alone time/autonomy over their own actions.

All inclusive of all adults including SAHM and working dads on an equal indiscriminate footing. In my opinion. Yours is different, that's ok.

Myturntobringthemilk · 23/11/2020 14:46

@Gilda152 yes of course we are all entitled to our opinions.

I don't see how he expected to have alone time anyway, if he is wfh he wouldn't be leaving the house and the OP is going to notice that he isn't working?
The OP hasn't planned to be out all day and presumably the DC will be at home if they are pre-school age too?

He'd get more of a break if he'd communicated to his partner that he needed some alone time and they could have worked something out that didn't need to be secretive.

Myturntobringthemilk · 23/11/2020 14:48

Unless we have all misread this and he is infact arranging some secret surprise for the OP that she has now rumbled and that's why he doesn't want to dicuss it!???

Clementine183 · 23/11/2020 14:54

I don't understand why some people are saying it seems suspicious - presumably if he's planning to be at home and so are you, then it was never intended to be a secret, as clearly you'll see that he's there. He just didn't mention it, which is a bit thoughtless perhaps but not exactly sinister.

Myturntobringthemilk · 23/11/2020 15:09

I'm not assuming you are talking to me but just to clarify in my post i was saying if my DP did the same i would be suspicious as he goes out to work so if he took the day off then pretended to go to work i'd be massively suspicious!

I agree in this case it may not be suspicious in that sense but he was in the wrong not to have spoken to the OP about it.

bigbluebus · 23/11/2020 15:18

I feel your frustration OP. My DH has dropped a day at work due to Covid but he can take whatever day off he wants - it's not fixed. I told him at the start I wanted to know in advance which day he would be off the following week so I can plan around it. Week 1-3 fine, I was told the week before. By Wk 4 the novelty of keeping me informed has obviously worn off already. My question of "which day are you off next week?" last Friday was given a "haven't decided yet" response.

Akanamalii · 23/11/2020 17:57

I can definitely see why he didn't tell you. You seem very high maintaince. He didn't need to inform you for the same reason you didn't you didn't inform him of your plans with your friends.

Akanamalii · 23/11/2020 17:58

You didn't inform him*

triceratops12 · 23/11/2020 18:00

Me and my partner always take separate holidays and I wouldn't think to tell him I was. We are in a very happy relationship, I don't see what the problem is

Supereager · 23/11/2020 20:22

He wants space from you. That’s why he didn’t tell you

Onthedunes · 23/11/2020 21:24

How did the baking go today?

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