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Original poster

Taking a Day Off but not mentioning it

104 replies

Lettitbee · 22/11/2020 22:41

I'm a SAHP and DH works full time, usually in an office but since March from home.

When doing the shopping online this evening, he mentioned that he would pick it up in the morning. I queried this, and he said he wanted to do some baking (he has never baked in the 15 years that we've been together). This confused me, and it eventually transpired that last week, he'd decided to take Monday off work.

I asked him why he hadn't discussed this with me or even mentioned it. No response at all. He's just sitting refusing to talk to me. Is this odd? I feel like it would be usual to at least mention to your partner that you were taking a random day off, but particularly currently when he knows I'm bored and stuck at home. I wouldn't have made arrangements with a friend for tomorrow, for example, if I'd known. What do you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lettitbee · 22/11/2020 23:12

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Why does he have to discuss it with you first, and why were you getting angry? I get days off every now and then and don't always mention it to dp, similarly he can get a day off and not mention it to me until it comes up in conversation later on.

I was surprised that he wasn't going to be working tomorrow and that he hadn't told me. Given that I am incredibly fed up with my own company, and limited in how much I can see people other than him, I found it odd that he'd not thought to mention it.

I got annoyed when he just sat there looking sorry for himself when I asked him what seemed like a normal question, e.g. why he hadn't mentioned that he was going to be off tomorrow. I don't know about you guys, but I'm married to someone because I like to spend time with him. I certainly don't think he has to spend all his non working time with me, and usually we both are out and about separately and together. But given lockdown, it would have been nice to be able to make some plans to do something together.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lettitbee · 22/11/2020 23:16

@Mrsmummy90

I'm a SAHM as well and my husband doesn't tell me when he has days off as they're very rare and he likes to surprise me so that part isn't what I find odd, it's the fact that he's not speaking to you. That's really strange and I'd be questioning it as well.

I would absolutely love if he'd planned it as a nice surprise for me. If he'd arranged to bake something that I liked and for us to go for a picnic somewhere (for example) that would be lovely. It's the fact that he'd planned a solitary activity and is acting like it doesn't affect me either way that I'm feeling a bit hurt by TBH.

Equally, if he wanted a day off by himself, then I'd understand, and would be more than happy to talk to the kids and ask them to be quiet in the morning as he was having a lie in, for example.

OP posts:

CaledoniaCatalan · 22/11/2020 23:21

The not replying to you would royally piss me off. He could have just booked a day off and forgot to mention it. Does he have lots of days left to take? I know at our work, we've all worked during lockdown but not many took holidays so everyone is using days here and there that they wouldn't normally have.
But the first thing that crossed my mind is that there maybe an issue at work, redundancy, suspension etc that he didn't tell you about but this is only down to his reaction to you questioning him

AintPageantMaterial · 22/11/2020 23:22

No response at all. He’s just sitting there refusing to talk to me”

This isn’t a normal way to behave towards your partner, no. You say that you like to spend time with him and would have like to do something together. It doesn’t seem to have occurred to him that it would be nice to spend the day together. Instead, he has explained that he is going to bake something he knows you don’t enjoy eating.

The whole thing seems really odd to me but you said that you don’t communicate well with each other at only you know whether this is normal for him. I find it hard to reconcile your statements that you like spending time with him and that he doesn’t talk to you much. I wouldn’t enjoy the company of a partner who didn’t seem to relish being with me. Do you think he’s happy?

Original poster

Lettitbee · 22/11/2020 23:28

I think when we are doing things together, we chat about what we are doing and other things fairly naturally. I'm generally more talkative than him, not always but usually. He just seems unable to talk about anything where there is even a hint of disagreement, which I know is not normal. I know that he can, as he must have to at work, so it feels like he is refusing to make the effort.

I think we're all a bit fed up currently, it's not a good time for any of us really. We are in Greater Manchester so have been in lockdown pretty much since March, with only a few weeks where we were able to meet up with people in any social context.

OP posts:

katy1213 · 22/11/2020 23:36

He has mentioned it though, hasn't he? Isn't he allowed any time to himself?

Original poster

Lettitbee · 22/11/2020 23:42

@katy1213

He has mentioned it though, hasn't he? Isn't he allowed any time to himself?

That will be it, I'm a bossy haranguing wife who won't allow my poor brow beaten husband a moment to himself. The poor man!

I know some women love to come on here and make themselves feel superior to the other women who post their issues, but despite that thought I would dare to post, as I wanted opinions from people other than the automatic criticisers. Thanks for not disappointing though.

OP posts:

NoProblem123 · 22/11/2020 23:49

Bit weird I agree- how’s his mental health ?
Maybe he’s not feeling that great and he just fancies some downtime and everyone seems to be baking this year so he thought he’d have a go !
I also book sneaky days off so no one can ask me to do anything.

Glitterandunicorns · 22/11/2020 23:55

I don't get it, OP. He has mentioned it to you as he said he'd get the shopping. I am an introvert who needs time by myself to recharge. I suspect he just wanted time alone too.m, especially given your mention of having kids.

If you live together, I'm struggling to see why he can't just do that. You surely spend all day every day together (work excepting).

FFS, let the man bake his own choice of cake!

If genders in this were reversed, you'd be accused of being controlling.

Keep your plans with your friend. You said it's only for an hour anyway. You get to spend the rest of the day together regardless.

WhenPushComesToShove · 23/11/2020 00:22

It is odd that he won't communicate with you. Is everything ok with his job?

Original poster

Lettitbee · 23/11/2020 00:40

I did eventually manage to get him to talk to me. I don't think there is anything wrong with his job, he just decided to have a day off as he's got lots left and thought he would try something different for a change.

I still think I'm justified in finding it odd that he didn't mention that he'd booked a day off, and no he didn't mention it, I had to say how are you going to pick up the shopping have you got a day off? Thanks for people's thoughts.

OP posts:

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 23/11/2020 00:41

I think it would be weird if anyone I lived with didn't think it was appropriate to let me know they were having a day off, let alone my DH. It seems a strange thing to do...

OldWomanSaysThis · 23/11/2020 00:45

Maybe he didn't want is day off filled with other people's plans?

SleepingStandingUp · 23/11/2020 00:49

I'm with you op

You have kids. Of he's having a day off from work then I'd expect a contribution to the childcare. If he booked of off and had plans (more pre lockdown) I'd expect him to say or if he was having a day off to stay at home again I'd expect him to mention it. Not a half slide when mentioning something else and then clammy sulking.

Of course the fair thing op is for you to pick a random weekend day and tell him you're booking it off and go off / leave all the childcare to him for the day

Trickyboy · 23/11/2020 01:04

Op I often don't tell anyone when I'm taking a day off. Usually because I don't want my day filled up by others. I know if I announced it prior to the day - DH /Kids (older) / parents /Friends would want 'a piece of my day' and I would feel bad about saying no.
Sometimes I just want to have a lie in, go for a bike ride, have a long bath, maybe call a friend to go for coffee or a walk - or maybe just binge watch a box set .. basically set my own agenda.. which would never happen if I announced my 'availability' ahead of time .. sounds like your DH wants to do the same and have a ' please myself day' ... I would go see your friend and let him do his thing..

RantyAnty · 23/11/2020 01:13

Maybe he didn't mention it as he didn't want to be asked a bunch of questions about it and feel he had to justify why he took a day off.

If you're bored, maybe it's time for you to see about getting a job of your own.

Opentooffers · 23/11/2020 01:19

I think he does just want a day to do his own thing. You have already said that if you'd known, you would not have arranged to meet your friend and would of wanted him to spend the time with you. I think on this occasion, and in these strange times, it's understandable that he may nee some 'me time'. However, it would also be reasonable and healthy for your relationship, if he could take the odd day off, during term time, to spend with just each other. Perhaps a chat where you let him know it's fine to have odd days to himself, as long as he has odd days with you too.

Thespottytortoise · 23/11/2020 05:04

Imagine if you were at work, and you booked teh day off to chill out, do some baking and do what YOU wanted, and then your husband found out, booked the day off too, muscled in on your day of chilling out, and even brought the children along on it?

Because as soon as he's mentioned booking the day off, you mention how you want to do something with him, cancelling on your friend etc, rather than just letting him have the day planned. Perhaps if you were to be less controlling about this, he wouldn't need to be so coy about it.

I do think that if you books time off work, some of this should be shared so you can have a break too, but I also don't see anything wrong with him taking an occasional day to himself, without everyone else getting a piece of it, providing he fully pulls his weight evenings and weekends etc.

Chamberlai · 23/11/2020 05:14

I imagine he needs a 'mental health day'...

I'm with @RantyAnty: sounds like you need a job of your own.

Harmarsuperstar · 23/11/2020 05:23

What is he baking?

GardenSwing · 23/11/2020 05:31

I agree that he probably just wants some time to himself.

He's going to bake something that only he likes and that I actively dislike, which is thoughful too.

I would absolutely love if he'd planned it as a nice surprise for me. If he'd arranged to bake something that I liked and for us to go for a picnic somewhere (for example) that would be lovely.

I think this is your answer really.

Work, for most people, is somewhere between really stressful and just a bit crap at the moment.

He wanted to take some time for himself, to do something for himself and without having to consider anyone or anything else.

You are feeling equally frustrated at the moment but doing something nice for you wouldnt have the same mental health impact for him that doing something for himself would.

How would he respond if you asked him to take a day to have the children so you could do something nice for yourself and another so you could do something nice together?

As someone else said, no one has much else to spend their annual leave on at the moment and maybe he didnt mention it because he knew you'd want to do something together and he just needed some frivolous 'me time'?

I know I do sometimes!

GardenSwing · 23/11/2020 05:34

So you wanted to just bitch about him then?

Because my experience is that MN is pretty brutal when it comes to pointing out the shortcomings of men. Perhaps take something from the fact people arent doing that here.

Limpshade · 23/11/2020 06:43

I'm reading that there's more going on here than not telling you about a day off.

You don't seem to have a very high opinion of him at all, and meanwhile he won't speak to you - I can work out whether he's giving you the silent treatment unnecessarily or keeping schtum because he senses you're about to start an argument.

What he's baking is surely a nonissue - if you don't like it, then presumably you don't bake it either - and maybe he wants to learn how to do it himself?

You both sound pretty miserable, to be honest. Is this a case of the straw breaking the camel's back?

NeverTwerkNaked · 23/11/2020 06:51

Maybe he is just burnt out?
He's not expecting you to bake the thing you don't like, he's baking it for himself. And why not? Surely he should be allowed to make things he enjoys ? Presumably it would be worse if he expected you to make it for him!

KatherineJaneway · 23/11/2020 07:00

Sorry but it sounds like he wanted a day off and didn't want to spend it with you in any way I.e. baking something you actively dislike.

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