Taking a Day Off but not mentioning it

[Lettitbee]

I'm a SAHP and DH works full time, usually in an office but since March from home.

When doing the shopping online this evening, he mentioned that he would pick it up in the morning. I queried this, and he said he wanted to do some baking (he has never baked in the 15 years that we've been together). This confused me, and it eventually transpired that last week, he'd decided to take Monday off work.

I asked him why he hadn't discussed this with me or even mentioned it. No response at all. He's just sitting refusing to talk to me. Is this odd? I feel like it would be usual to at least mention to your partner that you were taking a random day off, but particularly currently when he knows I'm bored and stuck at home. I wouldn't have made arrangements with a friend for tomorrow, for example, if I'd known. What do you think?

It sounds like you have turned this into what you want and are disappointed he isn't prioritising you on his day off. It also sounds like he wanted a day off to himself to recharge for his wellbeing. Neither is wrong, you just need to communicate better.

It sounds like he has something on his mind. Could it be a stressful time at work? If he's suddenly decided to take a long weekend he may be feeling a bit burned out.

He was probably at work one day and thought 'I'm going to take the day off and I'm going to make that coffee cake that nobody likes'.

He knew you would discourage it. That's just what he wants to do. If it was cycling and you hated that nobody would think it was an unusual way to spend a morning.

My dh actively dislikes chips. So we don't have chips. But every so often I will think 'I really want fish and chips' and I wouldn't want somebody telling me that they didn't like them so I shouldn't have them. Or not going out to meddle in my chip eating.

I get what pp are saying about needing me time, but why wouldn't he just say that? That's the thing I find odd. Just saying a comment about shopping then sulking is strange. I'd be 'I'm booking X day off, I really fancy a day to myself. I'm going to bake X thing and put my feet up.' My H would probably be more like OP's because he is shit at communicating, so I get your frustration at the sulking and silence OP. Why is that a big drama or issue when your partner then asks, 'oh how come you didn't tell me?' Why can't he just say he didn't want the day filling up, didn't want to help with childcare, etc? He's picking up shopping so clearly he's ok using some of his day to do household stuff. And posters saying 'get a job' like that's so easy, if OP is a SAHM that is a job and I'm betting doesn't come with many random days off.

I’m also a SAHP and I find it incredibly odd that he didn’t mention it.

My DH also is WFH FT and has leave to take. He’s spacing it out so he can pick the DC up from school a couple of times - something he never normally gets to do. We also went for a walk together to a NT property that is local but we’ve never been to before. Despite being sick of the sight of each other, we both really enjoyed the day. Change of scene. A chance to talk about things other then the drudge of life. It was refreshing.

I can understand why you’d be a bit hurt.

I get what pp are saying about needing me time, but why wouldn't he just say that?

Because the OP has already said she would havent him to bake stuff they both liked and go on a picnic or would have cancelled her plans to spend the day with him.

I suspect he felt it would be a case of not being able to do right for doing wrong and he knew that. He did tell her - she didnt discover it as a secret after the fact. He just didnt tell her in time for her to usurp his plans.

I have a day booked off work next week but haven't yet told DH as I'll be doing stuff on my own.

He's wfh too but I specifically want to do things on my own so not inviting company for the day.

If he hasnt done it before I'd let it go and think he needs a mental health day.

As for baking something you dont like I really cant see a problem with that

I love cooking and baking. I have two meals which I love which dh hates, I love it when he has a rare night out and I can have one of those dinners. I also bake for us all and sometimes something that only I like, he wouldnt complain as if he wanted something he could get on and bake it

So you made plans with a friend and didn’t discuss with him.
He made plans for himself and didn’t discuss with you.

What’s the difference?
Perhaps he didn’t tell you because he knew how high maintenance you were?
He doesn’t want to spend his day off with you?

You sound hard work OP, he should have mentioned it in passing but probably didn't because he knew you would want a 'discussion' about it.

I'd assume he needs a day of to himself to make and rest something he enjoys. It also sounds like he struggles to talk about his emotions. I think you should def continue with your plans to go out, and leave him to his day.

Sure GardenSwing I can see that may be why. But it also sounds like he didn't know about the friend plan. So he was just going to be around the house and thought OP was there too. It seems a bit of a weird dynamic. Like housemates who share a space but don't necessarily interact.

I've been the SAHP of young kids locked down since March and if H had a day off I'd have jumped at the chance to spend time together with another grown up. Its mind numbing and endlessly monotonous. You kind of go crazy wanting some interaction beyond the shopping, school run and phonics homework. But even if he had his own plans and no intention of sharing the day with me or the kids, it's something I'd just naturally expect H to mention just because of the logistics of being in the same house together.

The problem isn't his day off or his plans. They are all reasonable. The problem is he didn't mention it when you think he should (and I agree with you). There are plenty of people on here that it wouldn't be a problem for but for you (and me) it is.

An ex fiance of mine did this. I called his work to find he had the week off (we lived together at the time and I had no idea). To me it was a symptom of the bad relationship. If there is no honesty what do you have? I found out he lied by omission on lots of things. He thought that was acceptable. I didn't.

My husband doesn't lie. He takes days off when he chooses. Sometimes I query why he's choosing to take a day off the week after a school holiday for example and not during the holiday but if he says he needs a quiet day then I respect his choice. It's not what I would do....but we all have different needs.

I've not told my other half I have booked a half day off next week. He may not even notice as I'd still be in our bedroom just studying not working.
These days, days off are just days in sane house just with more tv (or games in my case)

He probably just wants some time on his own that isn't managed or planned out for in anyway. Presumably he was off all weekend with you? I relish time on my own as rarely get it as DH works shifts.

Before covid I quite often used to book a day off work and not tell DH, as normally of I say I'm going to be off its can you stay in so I can have something delivered (normally I would book it off for a facial or something). Now we WFH so there's no chance of doing it

Has he been watching bake off? Feeling inspired perhaps? He may just want some time alone and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Which is why he clams up. He thinks he can't tell the truth (and hurt your feelings) so he says nothing. Is he an introvert? If so he's probably half out of his mind right now being at home all the time.

@Trickyboy

Op I often don't tell anyone when I'm taking a day off. Usually because I don't want my day filled up by others. I know if I announced it prior to the day - DH /Kids (older) / parents /Friends would want 'a piece of my day' and I would feel bad about saying no. Sometimes I just want to have a lie in, go for a bike ride, have a long bath, maybe call a friend to go for coffee or a walk - or maybe just binge watch a box set .. basically set my own agenda.. which would never happen if I announced my 'availability' ahead of time .. sounds like your DH wants to do the same and have a ' please myself day' ... I would go see your friend and let him do his thing..

But does op then get 25 of those days too a year where she can randomly announce on a Friday she's not "working" all Saturday and will be off pleasing herself? We love in a pretty chilled house re this kind of stuff bit I think booking yourself a d do what you want day when you have kids at home as in not on school is a different matter

I think there are two separate issues. Him not talking to you us ridiculous as an adult if he is just sitting there not speaking.

Having said that he may have just wanted a day off to do something by himself. It is odd he couldn't mention it but is it possible if he had you would then have insisted on spending the day with him etc. If DP and I need time alone we just say that and the other knows not to coopt it. For example there are loads of things I enjoy eating but he doesn't I would find it odd that he would be snitty about me cooking something for myself because he didn't like it.

I fully admit though we both are quite independent so not everyone lives like that but it sort of sounds like he maybe wants some time alone to do his thing. It's hard during lockdown, we are all in each others pockets ,it isn't unreasonable to want time to do your own thing and I would be really annoyed if someone tried to muscle in on that.

It sounds like he just wants some time out.

Covid, Brexit, run-up-to-Christmas - the workplace hasn't been 'normal' since February. Days off aren't what they would usually be, can't be kept indefinitely, can't be used for travel, etc.

This baking that he likes but you don't. Is it something that as a consequence he doesn't normally get to have because you don't like it? Something that he might regard as comfort food.

My DH would tell me if he’d booked a day off. Not because he ‘has to’ but because we tend to chat about everything. In the past he’s taken a day off to chill out at home and that’s fine too - but he would still mention it. I’d do the same thing. So OP I do see what you mean about it being odd for him not to mention it and strange when he won’t elaborate. It’s not a control thing, it’s just the fact that people who get on and live their lives together would normally chat about it.

You’re being oppressively controlling OP.

I rarely tell DH when I book time off. We don’t go on holidays, so I can use my leave as I like. I’ll book two weeks off without telling him.

He’s really done nothing wrong and is probably looking forward to a day of doing what he likes, and is too scared to tell you that. Why?

Got to admit that I have hidden the odd day off from my DH during this pandemic.

Otherwise he’d have me doing all the child pick ups/drop offs (2 venues). Housework that day.

He’s not a SAHD but works part time in a fun and stress free job. I work full time in a very stressful job. I earn a lot more. A lot of my annual leave goes to cover school holiday childcare. I need some rest so don’t want to spend the odd days I have to myself doing more childcare and housework ... as much as I love them all I need a break! I want time on my own.

Hiding the odd day of leave is just an easier way to achieve that (we work in different parts of the house so he wouldn’t notice)

@RantyAnty

Maybe he didn't mention it as he didn't want to be asked a bunch of questions about it and feel he had to justify why he took a day off.

If you're bored, maybe it's time for you to see about getting a job of your own.

What a ridiculous thing to say.

Got to admit that I have hidden the odd day off from my DH during this pandemic. Otherwise he’d have me doing all the child pick ups/drop offs (2 venues). Housework that day.
I think this is why the DH omitting to tell op doesn't feel healthy. If you can't talk to your partner and say I'm having this day off but I'll be out / unavailable as I need it, if you think that if you had any free time your OH would immediately take control and make you do X, Y and Z, that's not a massively healthy relationship imo.

And for all those saying oh o often have a day off and don't tell anyone, does your oh get the opportunity to do the same? If they work, probably. But if they're SAHP I bet most couldn't just decide they're not doing any parenting for 8 hours one Saturday because they need a test