Stood up and humiliated by three year long male friend

[Bitboredactually]

I’ve wanted a space to post about this for a while. I am not sure what to think about it or how I should react.

I am 40, divorced and a single mother. Through work I met a man (53) (will call him Y) while I was travelling 3 years ago who was also divorced. Nothing happened or even hinted at happening, but we got on very well, had a lot of things in common re: our line of business and kept in touch. He is based in The Hague.

Over the last three years we were talking most days. It was all “how’s your day been” type of chat. Never sexting or talking about anything sexual. But sharing experiences going on dates post divorce and laughing about it. I told him all about my abusive ex and complex childcare arrangements which he empathised with. Lots of work related stuff, what we’d heard on the grapevine. Over this time his father killed himself (I know this to be true as he is quite well known in our area of work and through the network I heard about it from others.) he relied on me a lot during this time over phone calls and whatsapp, almost every day.

After three years of talking and sharing the big stuff and the small stuff he asked me to run some errands for him in London as he had decided to move here. That included helping him find a flat, booking him a hotel, introducing him to people who might be helpful for work in our industry and generally preparing things for him as he got ready to come over.

I did everything he needed, including setting up intros, booking his hotel and two days of flat viewings with me pulling in favours from people I knew. He was in touch almost constantly for the month before he arrived, asking me to give him an itinerary of his stay, where will we go, what will we do? He said he wanted to know what my life was like in London, to go to all the places I go to.

In the last week before he arrived he said he would be also meeting someone else but that “she shouldn’t affect plans, just someone I am dating casually” I said okay - I had prepared myself that he would possibly disappoint me romantically and so was just looking forward to seeing someone I had felt so close to for three years and was happy for his girlfriend to tag along.

He arrived and texted me from the airport. Where are you? I was at work (like he knew I was as I had made clear when I was free and also arranged his itinerary. At the time, my ex was at my house having brought back DC4 from school. Unbeknownst to me, Y arrived at my house with his girlfriend (who it turned out was 23.) My ex was there and, before I knew it (I was at work remember) the three of them went out to lunch together. So my ex, Y and his 23 year old girlfriend, all out at lunch. I was still at work.

When I got back from work, I came in to find them all drunk at my house with my kids and nanny. It was a big deal for me as it was the first time I had seen Y for three years and also the second time I had met him in my life. It was very bizarre. Once I returned, they stayed for five mins and left.

About 2 mins after they left I got a text from Y saying “your ex isn’t THAT bad you know.” It felt awful as I had told Y so much about all the domestic violence and abuse and for him to say that really hit me hard.

The next evening, Y had asked me to organise a dinner out which included people he would like to be introduced to from our industry. I invited people I knew and who were important to me for work. I double and triple checked with Y that he would be there at 8pm. He confirmed several times, insisted he would be there on the dot, was going to bring his girlfriend but no problem. And guess what? He didn’t show. I felt humiliated and embarrassed.

Y sent a text the next morning saying he had seen everything he wanted to se and decided to go back to The Hague. I was gobsmacked and didn’t reply. We had a whole week planned and I had set things up.

He has now rented one of the flats I set up for him to see. He is still trying to be in frequent, daily contact with me. I am ignoring him.

I don’t know how to feel or what to say to him?

[tenredthings]

He sounds manipulative and abusive. He encouraged you to open up your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. He made lots of demands around his move to London thereby controlling you. He then did a no show and humiliated you. Now he's friends with the ex he knows hurt you !
This man is not your friend ! His actions are controlling, manipulative and abusive. He does sound like he has sociopathic tendencies.

[Eckhart]

@IDontMindMarmite

Thanks for that crushingly obvious answer to a question that was a) rhetorical, and b) not directed at you.

If OP wants to answer the question, I'm sure she can speak for herself.

Question for you, though: Why did you answer on OP's behalf?

[pinkyredrose]

What a horrible man he is. Be glad that you've seen his true colours.

[IDontMindMarmite]

Why do you ask questions then get annoyed that it gets answered? Isn't that the point of questions? Someone's woken up on the wrong side of bed today

[Bitsandthebobs]

I’d be fuming .. you’re a good person & he’s taken advantage of you . Be kind to you though

[ainsisoisje]

He’s a twat, you’ve tried to be a good friend. Some men just need emotional support from women and will use and use and use until they are called out. Can’t believe he went out drinking with your ex!!!! I read the whole thing gob smacked. At least you don’t need to bother with him anymore, his behaviour should have saved you any guilt on that front.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

Block and move on.

He has shown you what he is - believe him.

He has treated you like muck, and now wants to be in close contact - ask yourself wy. Because he wants to continue to make use of your some way, shape or form.

As you say, he has used and humiliated you - how DARE the three of them make themselves comfortable in YOUR home? How DARE he not turn up for a dinner HE has initiated and not even contact you with an apology? How DARE he, knowing what a difficult marriage and break-up you had, say your ex "isn't so bad".

HOW BLOODY DARE HE?!

Block, ignore - just do not respond to ANYTHING from him - even if you come home to find a he bunch of flowers and an apology (unlikely) it is too little, too late. Most of us have been taken advantage of at least once in our lives - all we can do is learn from the experience.

He's a tw*t.

[GreenlandTheMovie]

How he didn't turn up to the networking dinner you arranged, his comments about counting off the days, etc really inducatevthat he is a fraud of some kind.

Is there any real evidence to show he is who he claims to be in business? A serious businessman wouldn't avoid a useful networking dinner to go to someone's house and hang out with people they've never met. They also wouldn't take 3 years to make a business trip from Holland to the UK. Obviously, the reason for avoiding the dinner is that all those other business people would know he is a fake.

It sounds he conducts a lot of his life online (probably met the 23 year old online and she probably doesnt kniw much about him either). And he certainly doesn't need someone else to book him hotels or advise on London. London isn't some great mystery to someone who lives in The Hague.

How did he pay for these bookings? You say he is now living in one if the rentals. I'd lay a bet that he isn't going to pay the rent himself in the long term. Someone else will have provide the deposit, or its gone on a credit card. Where is he actually now? And if he knows your address in London, do you know his in The Hague? Has he given up life there? Was he ever there in the first place? Has he got any money out of you?

Sorry for all these questions, but I suspect he's a conman and isn't what he claims to be.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

And hopefully he will have shot himself in the foot regarding the people from your industry he wanted to be introduced to. With luck they will remember his appalling manners.

(Who paid for the dinner, BTW ? If it was you, send him the bill. You won't get the money back but it will let him know you definitely regard your time as his dogsbody as being over.

[LittleEsme]

Hope you're ok OP

[Farewelltoqualms]

Have you got his address in the Hague and/or London?

Time to deliver a large pile of horse manure.

Happy to arrange for you

[timeisnotaline]

IF it would hurt his reputation Send everyone at the dinner a follow up apology,sorry again about that dinner guys, I had no idea x was a total flake, I’m warned now! it was great to see you though.
Plan a trip to The Hague. Ask him to organise stuff. String out the requests. Obviously don’t go, just block him.

[Farewelltoqualms]

But why do you feel humiliated? He's proven himself to be unpleasant and thoughtless. You've proven yourself to be kind.

^^ This op! Don't spare the hideous wanker another thought.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

I like timeline's ideas of telling everyone he wasn't who he made himself out to be. (But perhaps only if people ask - don't raise it yourself unless his name is mentioned in some capacity.)

[UniversalAunt]

Block him.
Do not bother to understand him, but put that effort into understanding yourself.
Take care to protect yourself - how long was he in your home? Are your financial documents & details safely put away? He may well be a conman &/or an unscrupulous bastard, & whilst he was in your home you don’t know what he saw. Sounds a bit over the top I know, but just check your accounts to be assured.

If this man is genuine about wanting to professionally network, them he has blown his chances by not showing up. He’s a lost cause.

Contacting your Ex? Another reason to block.

[Pluckedpencil]

Ok, this is an anonymous, online forum where we support each other (preferably without judgement please mumsnettters!). Tell us how you feel and be honest. It will help and we can all talk you through it. He is a user I think.

[Eckhart]

@IDontMindMarmite

Give it a rest.

[IDontMindMarmite]

This is bizarre, you started it. Strange.

[rattlemehearties]

OP - this was presumably a while ago, pre lockdown? Have you blocked him? don't reply to his daily contact!

[GreenlandTheMovie]

Oh, and how did he already have a UK based girlfriend if he took 3 years to get a visit to the UK arranged? Do you think she might have been a hired Escort?

To be honest OP, the lack of detail you've provided is quite evasive too. Who paid for stuff like the dinner? If you're out of pocket, consider going to the police, as he could be a serial conman.

His "benefit* is in manipulating people like you. He got to know you well enough to find out your weaknesses then use them against you. Sex is sometimes irrelevant to psychopaths if they can get it elsewhere.

[oakleaffy]

As I was reading your post, I felt more and more unnerved by it.

Please don't have anything more to do with this man emotionally.../he sounds a real game player and very abusive himself.

Horrid.

[Beautiful3]

He treated you badly, but you allowed it. You should block him and never speak to him again, because he blatantly used you. He was virtually a stranger to you op, you should never have allowed this to happen. How dare he say to you that your abusive ex, "isnt that bad". How awful. I'm sorry op, but please protect yourself better by blocking him and setting boundaries with everyone you meet.

[MarthasGinYard]

Greenland,, all very good points.

[rattlemehearties]

I agree with the idea of invoicing him too. For the dinner at least but perhaps the rest too. Obviously he won't pay but to make clear that you're not being walked on.

[spongedog]

Is your ex in the same business - just wondering if they had mutual connections, so were able to "connect" fairly quickly?

But please make sure that you are not financially liable for any of his activities in London - eg did you book using your credit card?