Stood up and humiliated by three year long male friend

[Bitboredactually]

I’ve wanted a space to post about this for a while. I am not sure what to think about it or how I should react.

I am 40, divorced and a single mother. Through work I met a man (53) (will call him Y) while I was travelling 3 years ago who was also divorced. Nothing happened or even hinted at happening, but we got on very well, had a lot of things in common re: our line of business and kept in touch. He is based in The Hague.

Over the last three years we were talking most days. It was all “how’s your day been” type of chat. Never sexting or talking about anything sexual. But sharing experiences going on dates post divorce and laughing about it. I told him all about my abusive ex and complex childcare arrangements which he empathised with. Lots of work related stuff, what we’d heard on the grapevine. Over this time his father killed himself (I know this to be true as he is quite well known in our area of work and through the network I heard about it from others.) he relied on me a lot during this time over phone calls and whatsapp, almost every day.

After three years of talking and sharing the big stuff and the small stuff he asked me to run some errands for him in London as he had decided to move here. That included helping him find a flat, booking him a hotel, introducing him to people who might be helpful for work in our industry and generally preparing things for him as he got ready to come over.

I did everything he needed, including setting up intros, booking his hotel and two days of flat viewings with me pulling in favours from people I knew. He was in touch almost constantly for the month before he arrived, asking me to give him an itinerary of his stay, where will we go, what will we do? He said he wanted to know what my life was like in London, to go to all the places I go to.

In the last week before he arrived he said he would be also meeting someone else but that “she shouldn’t affect plans, just someone I am dating casually” I said okay - I had prepared myself that he would possibly disappoint me romantically and so was just looking forward to seeing someone I had felt so close to for three years and was happy for his girlfriend to tag along.

He arrived and texted me from the airport. Where are you? I was at work (like he knew I was as I had made clear when I was free and also arranged his itinerary. At the time, my ex was at my house having brought back DC4 from school. Unbeknownst to me, Y arrived at my house with his girlfriend (who it turned out was 23.) My ex was there and, before I knew it (I was at work remember) the three of them went out to lunch together. So my ex, Y and his 23 year old girlfriend, all out at lunch. I was still at work.

When I got back from work, I came in to find them all drunk at my house with my kids and nanny. It was a big deal for me as it was the first time I had seen Y for three years and also the second time I had met him in my life. It was very bizarre. Once I returned, they stayed for five mins and left.

About 2 mins after they left I got a text from Y saying “your ex isn’t THAT bad you know.” It felt awful as I had told Y so much about all the domestic violence and abuse and for him to say that really hit me hard.

The next evening, Y had asked me to organise a dinner out which included people he would like to be introduced to from our industry. I invited people I knew and who were important to me for work. I double and triple checked with Y that he would be there at 8pm. He confirmed several times, insisted he would be there on the dot, was going to bring his girlfriend but no problem. And guess what? He didn’t show. I felt humiliated and embarrassed.

Y sent a text the next morning saying he had seen everything he wanted to se and decided to go back to The Hague. I was gobsmacked and didn’t reply. We had a whole week planned and I had set things up.

He has now rented one of the flats I set up for him to see. He is still trying to be in frequent, daily contact with me. I am ignoring him.

I don’t know how to feel or what to say to him?

[RedDiamond]

No way would I have any further contact with him. He is a misogynist. He is trying to humiliate something chronic. STEP AWAY FROM THIS MAN.

[Anordinarymum]

What a horrible man and what a horrible way to treat you. Block him. he is no friend

[user1481840227]

What an oddball he is. How surreal that must have been when he went out for dinner with your ex.

When people behave in such an odd, weird way that confuses you so much that you don't know what to feel then treat them as a dangerous person. Their behaviour makes no sense, that's why it takes so long for your brain to work out how to feel.....but I bet you anything that he knew exactly what he was doing and what emotions he was trying to provoke.

[BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze]

I don’t know how to feel or what to say to him?

I’d be feeling very used and disappointed in him. Don’t say anything to him as he doesn’t deserve any more of your time. Total cunt.
You may miss the friend you thought you had. But he wasn’t who you thought he was and you are better without him in your life.

[Crustmasiscoming]

Total arsehole.

Sorry this happened OP. You have been given the run around. We've all been there at some point. It's horrible.

Take it as a learning experience and make sure you have no contact with this user ever again.

[Anordinarymum]

When people help others and go over and beyond what is deemed as help, and do what someone who is being paid to do would do, it can be taken as a sign of weakness and contempt for that person, and I think this man has seen OP as someone to be used, knowing how vulnerable she is.

[Happycamper1978]

Feel lucky! Things could be worse; you could operate like him and that would never be a road to a fulfilling life. Even if it appears that things have worked out for him, imagine what it must be like to be such an arsehole.
Even if you only wanted him as a friend you don’t need a friend like him.

[PhilCornwall1]

Jesus, you happily set all this up for him? As soon as he started with all the demands, I'd have told him to do one.

In fact, tell him to do one anyway.

[sofato5miles]

What a cunt! Disgusting behaviour on his part.

Do not say anything. Just BLOCK

I am raging on your behalf. Seriously, what an asshole.

[TwylaSands]

I have no idea why your ex would go off and have lunch with two strangers who turned up at your house. So odd
Her ex was abusive. I think going out for sinner with these people was ex saying she can’t have anything for herself. Even a friend.

Op, im sure ive read some of this before. Did you write about it at the time?

He treated you like his PA and has a 23 year old girlfriend. He was also unprofessional. Block him.

[Rainbowqueeen]

You’ll never get any answers from him OP and certainly not an apology
Just block him. Then start working on your boundaries. Texting can easily build up a false sense of intimacy and of knowing a person. It’s not real.
Maybe look at doing the freedom programme. You had an abusive relationship with your ex and that leaves you vulnerable to other predators like this guy. You can avoid that in future by working on yourself. That way you’ll learn to spot the bullshitters and to walk away.
to you. Have a wallow day where you treat yourself and then move on

[Hailtomyteeth]

You acted in good faith. He didn't. You're a decent sort - he's not. Block him and forget him. If you have to have contact through work, keep it impersonal.

[Inarightpickleandpreserve]

People show you who they are.

He is showing you he is a complete arsehole and would be a very dangerous person to waste any more time on.

[AlternativePerspective]

It’s very easy to develop what you perceive to be a close friendship online. You talk to someone often enough and from the conversations you’ve had you are certain you know each other so well.

And that can work, just because it’s online doesn’t mean the person on the other end isn’t what you think they are. But it does mean that that it’s possible they’re not who you think they are and that’s where the disappointment comes in.

People saying you were wrong for doing his running around, but if that’s the kind of person you are you would likely have done it for any friend, and you didn’t see this as any different. Even on here there are people who would go above and beyond for a stranger on the internet, and while other people are often bewildered by it the intentions are well-meaning if perhaps misguided sometimes.

Thing is, it turned out he wasn’t any of the things you thought he was. It’s not your fault for not knowing, you didn’t have reason to believe he was a user, especially as you’d met him once so likely thought you did know him better than if he’d just been an online acquaintance.

Thing is, if you say he’s still in daily contact, why are you still talking to him after this? I wouldn’t actually block him, I would say that after he came to London you realised he wasn’t the person you thought he was, and then wish him luck. Then I just wouldn’t bother replying to messages. I would do the gentle approach purely because you work together in the industry so would be mindful of that. But stop contacting him back. Not least because you also had romantic feelings for him and these were never going to go anywhere.

[HotelliFinlandia]

You've had a LUCKY ESCAPE!

But I've had a situation with a female friend (who I thought I knew well, we were at uni together) who used me in a very similar way. That was 20 years ago and it's still so painful it's hard to discuss. What I will say is the only thing I really regret is emailing her afterwards, in the deepest throws of pain, to try and understand what happened.

Block.
A dignified silence will make you feel better in the long run.

And I'd definitely let others know what he's like. Although presumably some at the dinner have figured it out.

[LockdownLil]

He sounds like an actual proper sociopath. But then you also sound like someone whose boundaries are rather shaky - perhaps you don't know what to feel because he has reeled you in and is now cutting you off? And you've been in abusive relationships before.

I would send a final message in a cold professional way about the dinner (as it sounds like you are in the same industry) saying what poor behaviour it was to arrange to see all those people and not show. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of talking about the thing with your ex.

The only other explanation is that you've gone way over the line and assumed too much about what he wanted you to do - but your OP doesn't read like that. I think he's a weird and slightly dangerous individual. Block.

[Bigpaintinglittlepainting]

Yes I agree with the above poster, he has been unbelievable! I wouldn’t do anything other than turn off alerts for his messages and ignore him.

He has behaved appallingly and all the posters telling you to examine your boundaries are victim blaming. How on earth were you supposed to predict he would behave like that ?

I’m sorry op

[Caeruleanblue]

I would't introduce him to work contacts - even though you've texted etc.
I would want to know someone's background, finances etc
He could be a spy/ nutter/ conman.......

[Bitboredactually]

As other people have said, his behaviour is inexplicable to me. He led the intimacy and the contact and the requests. He drove all of it, and encouraged me to open up about my own situation.

It maybe sounds like I did so much for him and went beyond the call of duty but honestly if you had been speaking to someone on the phone for three years and they had been asking your “advice” about London for that period of time, you would probably end up saying “oh I know someone who could help you with that..” or “yes I’ll book you in there if you want to go.” Also right up until he arrived on the plane he was saying what’s the plan? Just tell me where to be. He was counting down the days! “5 more days and we get to meet again.”

Previous posters felt that I was holding out for a romantic connection. Honestly I felt the connection was very strong emotionally, so hearing about his girlfriend did not change things much for me at all. I don’t think I was expecting a relationship, I think I was expecting the friendship we already had, in person. And was delighted we could potentially live closer together.

The worst part was arranging a dinner at his request with the people he wanted to meet and watching the time slip by as he didn’t show up and having them ask where he is and then trying to make me feel better as he became a no show.

Well, that and his burgeoning friendship with my ex who he is still texting with apparently (my ex tells me.)

I feel like he possibly is psychopathic like a pp said (I know you can’t diagnose people.) it was a set of behaviours I haven’t encountered before. Obviously I’ve met men who are only after sex, or people who will not or can’t make an emotional connection, but it was the time and effort investing in getting the connection with no reaping of the benefits of it, which baffles me. Much of the stuff I organised that he wanted, he did not take up. You would think that a “user” would do so?

[Bluntness100]

He has behaved appallingly and all the posters telling you to examine your boundaries are victim blaming. How on earth were you supposed to predict he would behave like that

I don’t think that’s fair to those posters. Peoole need to take personal responsibility. I agree that the op wasn’t to know, although she’d only met this man once, and went over and above, I guess in the hope they’d get together Romantically, the boundaries she needs to put in place are now, now that she knows he’s not interested or invested. And quite frankly an arsehole.

As the saying goes, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

[Gregariousfox]

He has behaved appallingly and all the posters telling you to examine your boundaries are victim blaming. How on earth were you supposed to predict he would behave like that ?

I don't agree with this. You might not be able to predict that he'd behave like that, but you also couldn't predict that he wouldn't based on such a limited acquaintance. I think people are just saying that they wouldn't go to so much trouble for someone they barely knew, and even then pretty much exclusively online.

Also I must admit before I got to the end of the OP, I was thinking why is he asking her to do so much. And it read like an expectation, and even like he was giving her instructions, rather than someone being terribly grateful for all her help. This would be a red flag for me and yet it wasn't for the OP. It's not a criticism of her or blaming her to say that past abusive relationships may have affected her boundaries with others. That's not her fault but it may help her in the future to recognise and avoid those people to work on them.

[Chocaholic9]

I think it was a lot for him to ask of you, especially as it was an online relationship. My alarm bells would have been ringing when he was asking me to book hotels and find flats for him. That's the sort of thing you pay an assistant to do.

He used you, and totally abused your good nature. You have a right to be angry but you sound too trusting and kind. I think you should ignore this man, block him and never speak to him again.

[Gregariousfox]

but it was the time and effort investing in getting the connection with no reaping of the benefits of it, which baffles me. Much of the stuff I organised that he wanted, he did not take up. You would think that a “user” would do so?

I'm not sure that everyone sees that texting someone is an effort, though. If you're not emotionally invested and you're used to manipulating others, he might find it easy to play a role without it feeling effortful. If I was messaging someone about personal stuff, it would feel different but that's because I would have empathy and care for them.

He might have liked to have all those things to fall back on and also enjoy seeing you running round after him. He sounds a narcissistic arse. If he is, he'll never acknowledge wrongdoing OP.

[freelancedolly]

As someone who divorced an abusive man, and then recently ended up getting involved with someone (first person in years) despite lots of red flags - I urge you to chalk this up to experience, and get yourself a good therapist. Find someone who specialises in relationships and in helping people identify why they might be predisposed to getting involved with abusive partners.

You are a kind woman who has gone out of her way to help someone who took advantage of you. You can find happiness with someone who appreciates you but I think you should take this as evidence that you still need to work on your boundaries and need some help with how to form healthy relationships.

Try not to waste too much time thinking about this utter wanker, though - what a dick.

[mathanxiety]

I agree with those saying your boundaries need attending to.

It's a really bad idea to talk about your children and give your address to people you have met only once and have conducted a 'friendship' with online.

Also a really bad idea to introduce him to your business associates. You have now lost face.

You allowed yourself to be used as an unpaid PA and relocation service.

And you have kept in contact with an abusive exH for what appears to be general chat.

You need to ask yourself why.