Stood up and humiliated by three year long male friend

[Bitboredactually]

I’ve wanted a space to post about this for a while. I am not sure what to think about it or how I should react.

I am 40, divorced and a single mother. Through work I met a man (53) (will call him Y) while I was travelling 3 years ago who was also divorced. Nothing happened or even hinted at happening, but we got on very well, had a lot of things in common re: our line of business and kept in touch. He is based in The Hague.

Over the last three years we were talking most days. It was all “how’s your day been” type of chat. Never sexting or talking about anything sexual. But sharing experiences going on dates post divorce and laughing about it. I told him all about my abusive ex and complex childcare arrangements which he empathised with. Lots of work related stuff, what we’d heard on the grapevine. Over this time his father killed himself (I know this to be true as he is quite well known in our area of work and through the network I heard about it from others.) he relied on me a lot during this time over phone calls and whatsapp, almost every day.

After three years of talking and sharing the big stuff and the small stuff he asked me to run some errands for him in London as he had decided to move here. That included helping him find a flat, booking him a hotel, introducing him to people who might be helpful for work in our industry and generally preparing things for him as he got ready to come over.

I did everything he needed, including setting up intros, booking his hotel and two days of flat viewings with me pulling in favours from people I knew. He was in touch almost constantly for the month before he arrived, asking me to give him an itinerary of his stay, where will we go, what will we do? He said he wanted to know what my life was like in London, to go to all the places I go to.

In the last week before he arrived he said he would be also meeting someone else but that “she shouldn’t affect plans, just someone I am dating casually” I said okay - I had prepared myself that he would possibly disappoint me romantically and so was just looking forward to seeing someone I had felt so close to for three years and was happy for his girlfriend to tag along.

He arrived and texted me from the airport. Where are you? I was at work (like he knew I was as I had made clear when I was free and also arranged his itinerary. At the time, my ex was at my house having brought back DC4 from school. Unbeknownst to me, Y arrived at my house with his girlfriend (who it turned out was 23.) My ex was there and, before I knew it (I was at work remember) the three of them went out to lunch together. So my ex, Y and his 23 year old girlfriend, all out at lunch. I was still at work.

When I got back from work, I came in to find them all drunk at my house with my kids and nanny. It was a big deal for me as it was the first time I had seen Y for three years and also the second time I had met him in my life. It was very bizarre. Once I returned, they stayed for five mins and left.

About 2 mins after they left I got a text from Y saying “your ex isn’t THAT bad you know.” It felt awful as I had told Y so much about all the domestic violence and abuse and for him to say that really hit me hard.

The next evening, Y had asked me to organise a dinner out which included people he would like to be introduced to from our industry. I invited people I knew and who were important to me for work. I double and triple checked with Y that he would be there at 8pm. He confirmed several times, insisted he would be there on the dot, was going to bring his girlfriend but no problem. And guess what? He didn’t show. I felt humiliated and embarrassed.

Y sent a text the next morning saying he had seen everything he wanted to se and decided to go back to The Hague. I was gobsmacked and didn’t reply. We had a whole week planned and I had set things up.

He has now rented one of the flats I set up for him to see. He is still trying to be in frequent, daily contact with me. I am ignoring him.

I don’t know how to feel or what to say to him?

[Eddielzzard]

You bent over backwards to help him, like a good friend would, except he treated you like an unpaid PA and humiliated you by not showing and invalidating your feelings for your ex. He's a total and utter prick. The only thing you can do is block him really.

[mathanxiety]

I urge you to chalk this up to experience, and get yourself a good therapist. Find someone who specialises in relationships and in helping people identify why they might be predisposed to getting involved with abusive partners.

YY to this ^^

[Iwillneverbesatisfied]

You did all this for someone you've only met once? Are you mad?

[kursaalflyer]

So he was looking forward to meeting you right up until you got home and he left a few minutes later. Sounds like your ex really put the boot in. Maybe told him you fancied him etc? Seems odd they got on so well. And yes, no reason for him to have your address. Should have gone straight to the hotel. (Why didn't he book this himself?) Are you replying to his texts? I wouldn't seeing as how your ex seems to be involved as well.

[SimplyRadishing]

Presumably this was before lockdown?
Is he still just texting with no response after weeks, surely he has got the message?

Ultimately even if he apologies its immaterial. He's shown you who is and he's a user and a pervy arsehole.

[CodenameVillanelle]

@Bigpaintinglittlepainting

Yes I agree with the above poster, he has been unbelievable! I wouldn’t do anything other than turn off alerts for his messages and ignore him.

He has behaved appallingly and all the posters telling you to examine your boundaries are victim blaming. How on earth were you supposed to predict he would behave like that ?

I’m sorry op

She met him once and spent 3 years providing emotional support and friendship to him, then bent over backwards organising his life. These are not good boundaries. You ask how she was to know he would behave like that - that's the point. People with healthy boundaries don't give away so much to people they barely know. And she did barely know him.

[greenspacesoverthere]

My advice is to stop making excuses. What you did for this man was way over the top. Be honest with yourself about why you are such a doormat, and please don't ever see or contact/reply to him again.

He used you - but more importantly, you empowered him to use you

Work on the 'why' of all this - the real why, not the why filled with excuses

[Kittykat93]

I can't even believe you did everything as if you were his PA.. For someone you have met once and don't really know at all! People can be whoever they want to be online. Just learn from this op.

[whatever1980]

Id forget and walk away.

It's not clear how this friendship benefits you at all it appears the opposite

[IDontMindMarmite]

OP, I really feel for you. He has been an awful user and you'd be better off learning from this (about red flags and your boundaries i'm afraid) and and being without him completely. What an arsehole and now he's mates with your abusive ex?? Hell no. That's no friend.

[Caeruleanblue]

Reading hour last post I can see it had all the appearances of a slowly forming supportive friendship.
But the fact he hasn't come back now with any apology/ explanation means he is a freaky user - good luck to your ex!!! Put it behind you.

[justanotherneighinparadise]

Wow, what a cunt.

[Gooseybby]

Wow, this guy is an entitled tone deaf DICK. I suspect he has you pegged as a doormat because you've been at his beck and call.

It would be NC for me now, but if you need him careerwise, just carefully cool it all right down.

[MarthasGinYard]

What did you say to him when he stood you and your friends up?

[Lamppostcat]

Entitled dickhead . The way he treats you , uses you up for all he can and tosses you aside . The fact he is dating a 23 yr old at his age says it all really

[KatherineJaneway]

Sorry this happened to you

He is a user. Block on all forms of social media immediately.

[Leflic]

@Iwillneverbesatisfied

You did all this for someone you've only met once? Are you mad?

They had been speaking most days for three years though.

Although I find that a bit odd myself. I don’t phone or message anyone that regularly.I don’t really agree about the boundaries thing. I would assume someone who bothered to keep touch with me, was actually interested in being friends.

Op when you do talk to him (and blocking is probably the way forward) keep it about what he did, not about your feelings. Something like “ you know what my relationship with my ex was like but you chose to go out for drinks with him, you didn’t turn up to dinner and let me and our business colleagues down and you changed your plans after expecting me to organise things”. And tell him not to get in touch again.

[slipperywhensparticus]

If your ex mentions him again say clearly your more use to him now and laugh it off

Your work colleagues now know he is flaky as hell I personally would not recommend him for any type of work or work related reccomendations if someone asks you about him point out he is a user and a flake

[FippertyGibbett]

Block, move on and don’t make this mistake again.
And forgive yourself for being sucked in.

[Eckhart]

Why do you feel humiliated? He was a friend who was in regular contact (that's what friends do) who asked you to do him some favours (sometimes friends do that) which you willingly did (which is what friends do unless their boundaries are being crossed)

I can understand that you're upset with him for fraternising with your abusive ex (that's a deal breaker for me, friendship-wise, even before the 'not that bad' text), and for not showing up to dinner/going back to The Hague (also grounds for immediate dismissal without notice).

But why do you feel humiliated? He's proven himself to be unpleasant and thoughtless. You've proven yourself to be kind.

What strikes me is that you've done so much for him that perhaps you were expecting something in return (common decency?), and that's created an imbalance. Just learn not to bend over backwards for people in future. Anybody can turn out to be an arsehole any time. Even people you know well. It's nce to be a kind person, and you don't want to lose that, but don't do so much for somebody that it'll ruin your self esteem if they fail to respond within social norms.

This is one for a roll of the eyes, a muttering of 'Prat!', and walking away with your head held high, never uttering a word to him again. He failed to live up to your standards, which are perfectly reasonable standards. Drop him and move on. It would be humiliating if you had a tantrum or started asking him 'But whyyyyyyy did you do it?'

Your silence is a reflection of your self esteem here.

[IDontMindMarmite]

And and I hope that all these business colleagues are well aware of his name and unprofessional behaviour so they can think twice before welcoming him into their businesses.

[IDontMindMarmite]

@Eckhart probably because she was hoping for romance, put herself out there, went above and beyond, was treated disrespectfully and is feeling crushed now.

[Benjispruce2]

He used you. Block him.

[AlfieIsReallySensitive]

He sounds like a sociopath. He found a nice easy target in you (you sound lovely).
Getting you to book his hotel was ridiculous - with the internet, there’s no reason he couldn’t do that.
The text about your ex is appalling. My friend went through a brutal divorce where a lot came out about her ex. I would struggle to be civil to him, I certainly wouldn’t be getting pissed with him and then becoming friends.

Honestly he sounds like a self-centred loser. Could not agree more with everyone on this thread who says just block him and move on. Don’t even bother to offer an explanation. See if he can work it out himself (although if he is a sociopath he probably won’t be able to).

Also agree with the idea of seeing a therapist about setting boundaries. He has used you, you must not let anyone else do that to you, you deserve better and you can definitely find someone WAY better. Take care and block, block, block!

[fitzbilly]

He used you as a free pa.

Block and move on.

And learn from this. You did far far too much for this man. Don't do that again! Why were you acting like his pa?!?