Does your fella do stuff for you?

[WTF99]

So I've been seeing someone for 3 years now. We are mature and independent...each with own home, financially independent, own friends and family with some overlap but not living in each others pockets. We see each other 4 nights a week and stay over, either at mine or his. It's easy as no dependent children and we live 10 minute drive from each other.
Generally it works well but there's an ongoing bugbear that he seems to think that I'm intent on taking advantage of him, specifically around things I need help with in the house. So...moving heavy stuff that I can't do on my own for example, or more recently some flat pack furniture I've recently bought that takes 2 to assemble. Tonight he's had a massive hissy fit about that....I'm taking advantage of him in asking for his help and no amount of ironing or cooking I might do in return will be enough to make up the balance.
I'm at a loss really. I've had lots of work done in my house this last year and have paid for it all, not expecting or asking anything from him. Hes used to living alone and being independent but ive gradually made progress in getting him to accept my input and help with things in his home.
But there's always this feeling that if I ask him for anything then I'm taking advantage....and taking the piss basically.
I just feel that this is the kind thing people help each other out with when they're in a relationship. I do have other friends I could ask to help me build a flat pack....but he'd probably be in a strop if I did.....and I'm pretty sure they'd be wondering why he wasnt helping me.
So what should I do? Just stop asking him? It all feels so petty and ridiculous. I'd help him with anything but I'm made to feel like a user when I ask for his help with anything

if your partner helped you with things round the house you would find that intrusive?

No.

But i wouldn't consider a live in partner to be 'helping me' at all. I'd consider them to be taking responsibility for their home. But I assumed the poster who talked about her 'current boyfriend' who was just doing things at hers that he saw needed doing wasn't living there.

I'd find that intrusive!

He seems selfish
Actions speak louder than words sometimes, if he doesn't want to help you then that should tell you something about how he feels about you

How odd. It's not so much the 'helping you' - but relationships are supposed to be fun, and doing things together is fun - if you actually like being together!

What you have sounds joyless.

H would certainly help build a flat pack or move heavy furniture, but I'd far rather do flat packs on my own, less agro. He gets really frustrated and cross and takes it out on everyone.

@midnightstar66

I also find it a very weird trait in a man, mostly because the men I've known LOVE helping their woman with "manly" tasks like DIY etc. I think it makes them feel useful.

Maybe he's really shit at it and it's giving him a complex feeling less of a man!

This is probably the only scenario where I would find his reluctance to help acceptable. Could be the case.

OP, does he throw a strop when he has to contribute or give anything in other areas of your relationship?/Is he miserly in other ways?

He's not a suitable partner. It's as simple as that.

In a good healthy relationship you do stuff for each other as the norm. Like a team.

He sounds horrid. My dp doesnt live with me but he's,d be straight round with his tool box and packet of biscuits. I can and do do most stuff by myself but hes always pleased when I ask for help.
Chuck this man back in the sea OP

He sounds bloody awful, won't help you, but gets a cob on if you ask one of your friends to help. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't. I'd help my neighbour if she asked for it, it would be a given I'd help my partner. What a selfish prick.

I hope that whenever you go to his he doesn't ask for help with the cooking or washing up. Tell him he does that himself, roll your eyes and tell him, no flat pack, no washing up.

Hi OP Hope that things are better this morning. We have had our ups and downs over trivial matters over the years and we have always vowed never to go to bed with an argument in the air so to speak. Remedy also has been to make up in the bedroom romantically speaking.

All the best hope everything turns out OK

He sounds very selfish and has jumped on the defensive about it quite angrily! Has he had someone take advantage of him in this way before? Are you bearing the brunt of last hurts?

My Dh helped me from day 1, helped me move out, clean rental house from top to toe, and now would do anything to help me, and me him. I couldn't tolerate being treated like you are

Hi all,
Thanks for all the comments. They make for interesting reading and overwhelmingly in support of my thinking which is a comfort as it's easy to start doubting yourself in this situation and to start to think badly of yourself.
We do have some good times together. He shops for nice food every weekend and we have fun cooking a special meal together. He does his share of the tidying up afterwards. So if its something that we'll both benefit from then hes fully engaged, but if it's just for me, then not so much so.
I do the absolute minimum amount of ironing for myself as I've always seen it as a pretty pointless activity. Every few weeks I'll do his for him so that I have something to redress the balance when he complains about how much he does for me. It's as if he keeps a scoresheet so I guess I feel I have to as well now!
Its not as if he's renovating the house for me or anything This week for instance I've asked him to help me bring a table down from upstairs into the garage as I was selling it and didnt want people traipsing into the house. There's no way I could have got it down the stairs on my own. He didnt complain about that, but it'll probably come up at some point in the context of 'I'm always doing things for you'.
It just makes me sad that hes the person I should be able to rely on and yet I dont really feel like I can.
I suppose it does say a lot about how he sees our relationship and what he wants from it.

Yes I would say it's normal to help, and he's being a twat

How much do you do for him, do you really cook and iron ? Does he refuse for you to do it stating he doesn't want to take advantage ? I bet he doesn't

Cancel one of your nights with him and say you have arranged x to come and help you with flat pack ( or book a handy person). I bet you bottom dollar he wouldn't like that either

Sorry hadn't seen your latest post, but he's still a twat

Keeping score is not on. I think I would from now on not ask his help in anything ditch the Twat

Jesus. What a twat. I'd definitely throw him back in the sea!!

I know things are difficult now, but in more normal times, think of all the people you could enjoy spending your Saturday nights with!

Can you imagine him being there for you if you caught Covid or were in an accident? I can't! There seems to be very little point in him - no 'love or care'.

You deserve someone MUCH better!!

Stop doing his ironing.
Regardless of anything else, stop doing that. Surely that's something you do as a cohabiting couple (if at all)

Mention a mate is coming round to help you with the flat pack. Don't keep asking him or expecting it. Get on with things and see how he reacts.

He seems to like this set up and you don't so change it.

Sounds like a bit of lazy arse to me. He should want to do things for you. My problem is perhaps I do to much. Ive been a builder all my life and do enjoy DIY. Givings more my thing but then in my previous relationship my ex really took the piss. Constantly finding stuff to, landscaping the garden, assembling cuboards, building woodsheds etc. Even my daughters would say "Dad ffs not again. There has to be give and take, a bit of flatpacks a breeze whats wrong with him.

@WhiteVixen

I do have other friends I could ask to help me build a flat pack....but he'd probably be in a strop if I did

So he doesn’t want to help you but wouldn’t want anyone else to help either?

Nah, sorry. Back in the sea with this one. What a selfish misery.

This.

It’s normal to help a friend or family member with this type of thing. My kids of 13 and 15 built an IKEA wardrobe for our elderly neighbour.

That’s what people do. It’s no big deal.

Do you want to spend the rest of your one, precious life with someone who begrudges helping you with (very normal, run of the mill, not asking for the earth) type stuff even though you've made it clear you would happily help them too?

Seriously - do you want that forever?

This is who he is. And it sounds exhaustingly marytr complex-y and annoying. I would be off.

Stop cooking when you are at his. Ask someone else to help you with the flat packs. If he moans tell him you won't be troubling him again. Don't do his ironing.
Yes it is incredibly odd to moan about helping your partner lift a table.

I'd be tempted to just ask friends for help in future and do absolutely nothing for him. Seems that's the way he wants it. Good to know he has your back when in need . It will be why he's single, too selfish to share a life, unless he's got Asperger's or a bit autistic, which would explain it.

Aerial I've asked him once about the flat pack and I definitely won't ask him again. I'm going to leave it for a while now and if he doesn't offer with a good heart sometime in the next week or two then I'll get someone else to do it. I'd do it myself but the instructions say it needs 2. I'm sure we could have fun doing it together but he has to be all weird about it.

Raid you sound like a gem but I guess it's easy for blokes like you to be taken advantage of. I think my fella has had similar experience in the past and I guess I'm getting the fall out. I'm pretty sure I'm not like your ex though......I really hope not anyway!

My next door neighbour would help me build a flat pack if I asked him to! It's just what you do as a decent human.

@WTF99 I know it says it needs 2 but unless it's a massive wardrobe or a king size bed then you can probably do it on your own. I built all the flat pack furniture in my house with the exception of the king size bed, which DP helped with. Not the point I know but it would annoy me something being sat there in the box!

Your "partner" is selfish and unkind. What exactly is it he does for you that warrants you doing his ironing? Cooking a meal "together"... would he not have eaten if you'd not have helped? Same with the clearing up after, would he not have done it if he'd have cooked for himself alone?

He is moulding you into someone who thinks they owe him for every tiny thing he does and to fall over yourself trying to repay this debt. Get the fuck rid.

Thanks for comments all. I've been on this square before, as you can imagine, and have resolved in the past not to ask him for anything, but that seems such a bleak and lonely prospect, not a loving and open relationship, so I backtrack and then we get into this unhelpful circle again. It's a bit rubbish really.
I guess its about weighing up the pros and cons and deciding what I want....
Open I have wondered whether he has autistic traits

amillion yes, it is taunting me a bit just lying there in the box I think I'll get it out and have a look. I've got the day to myself today. He'll be back later for dinner.

You can do it @WTF99 💪🏼💪🏼